Health & FitnessMental HealthEducationSelf-ImprovementKids & FamilyParenting

This Complex Life

Marie Vakakis

Got questions about parenting, teenagers, or relationships? Ever wonder why your teen won’t talk to you, or why your relationship feels like hard work lately? Hi, I’m Marie Vakakis—a therapist, mental health educator, and someone who’s been behind the scenes with countless families and couples navigating the ups and downs of real life.
This Complex Life is your go-to for relatable insights, practical advice, and real talk about parenting, raising teenagers, and navigating relationships. I’ll share what I’ve learned from years of sitting in the therapist’s chair—helping parents understand their teens, supporting couples through tough times, and figuring out what actually works when life feels overwhelming.
Whether it’s understanding your teen’s moods, handling family drama, or reconnecting in your relationship, I’m here to give you practical advice, relatable insights and a little humour to keep it real. Parenting and relationships aren’t easy, but they don’t have to feel impossible.
Subscribe to This Complex Life for honest advice and actionable tips to make life’s messiness more manageable.

Play

Open in

21 episodes
weekly
Avg 24 min
English

Episodes 21

Newest Oldest Longest

All20 Unplayed20 In progress0 Played0

Counted on this page — what you have heard stays on this device, so it is not something the list can be paged by.

#117
Monday · 30 min
Sex Therapy vs Couples Therapy: What's the Difference?
Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud. Things Discussed The difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you need What actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxiety Sexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually chose Why one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejection The vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflict How to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fight Why nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us Timestamps 0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy 2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby 5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers 8:00 What actually brings people through the door 13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need 14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for 17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection 23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her Resources and Links Tania Wellby https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania Free sex and intimacy guide https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest Info Tania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.
#116
August 31 · 24 min
Love Without Desire: Navigating Spark Loss
You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them? As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out. In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever. I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you. Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ 0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them 6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out 12:00 Resentment and the mental load 15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth 20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulness ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#115
August 17 · 18 min
My Partner Wants Sex More Than I Do
The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no. This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it. Things Discussed The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to want Why differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some point What shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changes Why a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatible The meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itself Sexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to go Why there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to them The golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequence How affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding hands Being lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the night Responsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long time Why planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romance Why the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connection Emily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivities Taking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relax How to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draft The sex education most of us got, and what it left out Timestamps 0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows 1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often 2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships 3:00 What changes desire over time 4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no 4:50 There is no normal frequency 6:30 How affection slides off the agenda 8:00 Lonely in the same house 9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire 11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts 12:50 Why the weekend away backfires 13:40 Accelerators and brakes 14:40 Taking sex off the table 16:10 How to start the conversation 17:40 You are not failing at anything Resources and Links Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/ Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/ Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg Books mentioned Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Come Together by Emily Nagoski Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#114
August 11 · 31 min
Why Mental Health Advice Doesn't Change What You Do a Conversation with All in the Mind Host Sana Qadar
Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week. Things we discussed How a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcast Why being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviour The anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnight Turning the school morning into a game instead of a fight The difference between willpower and building a system around yourself What has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five years Trauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they are How Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listeners Working out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualified Why almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationship What makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective Timestamps 0:00 Intro 1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience 2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work 4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week 6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show 9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings 10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health 11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels 12:40 The story that stayed with her 16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed 21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice 24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story 27:20 What makes you hard to live with About Sana Sana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email allinthemind@abc.net.au. Resources and links All in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts Keep the conversation going Got a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
#113
August 3 · 15 min
The 5 Love Languages: What the Research Actually Says
The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction. Things Discussed The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many people Why the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not research What the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claims Why having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfaction The ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosis Why love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kids Responsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction Love maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costs Practical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right 2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence 3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages 4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test 6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection 8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world 10:30 What to do instead 13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support Resources and Links The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#112
July 9 · 25 min
Why does my partner get so defensive?
Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing. What this episode covers What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup Leading with curiosity instead of accusation How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us 4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything 6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation 10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves 13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses 17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive 20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase Resources and Links Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/ ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#111
June 29 · 28 min
Grief: How to Cope and Support Someone Grieving
Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is. Things Discussed The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helps Anticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementia The things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harder Why two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangers Grief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years later How to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they need What to do when grief comes out as anger Why comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely Timestamps 0:00 Why we don't talk about grief 0:30 The many types of grief 2:20 My first experiences of grief 5:30 Grief and love arrive together 9:30 What not to say to someone grieving 13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers 17:40 How to actually show up for someone 22:30 Anticipatory grief Resources and Links Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals Work with a therapist Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#110
June 23 · 26 min
How to fall back in love with your partner
You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room. What this episode covers Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually means The plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tended Five signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connecting Why this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attention The emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraft Bids for connection and the three ways we respond to them Why weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works instead How to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviour Why tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's delivered How to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to fail The marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversation Small deposits to start today Timestamps 0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question 2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love 5:30 Five signs you've drifted 15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship 20:00 What actually works 23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank 27:00 How to start the conversation 32:00 Picking the right time 35:00 The marathon session story Resources and Links Relationship Reset course Open-ended questions for couples Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub Keep the Conversation Going Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#109
June 1 · 27 min
7 signs your partner is emotionally checked out
You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside. What this episode covers Sign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-up Sign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreign Sign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturity Sign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time together Sign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things up Sign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over time Sign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radar Why this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved things How to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensive When to get outside support and what that might look like Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine 5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops 8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking 9:30 Sign 4: The phone 13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them 16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments 19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk 20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversation Resources and Links Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au Free Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.au Connected Teens parenting course Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.au Connected Teen: marievakakis.com.au Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#108
May 21 · 29 min
Feeling lonely in your relationship? Ask Marie
Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name. You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it. What this episode covers What it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loud The difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painful How loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic event The Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over time How conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharing Why this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotion The headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attention How to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fight What to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut down Why loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdict Timestamps 4:00 What relational loneliness actually is 12:30 Conflict style and disconnection 22:00 How to start the conversation 28:00 When to get outside support 30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdict Resources and Links Relationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated. Free Conflict Workbook Related episode: Drifting Apart in a Relationship Related episode: Bids for connection Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
#107
May 4 · 32 min
Bad marriage advice with Monica Tanner
You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead. What this episode covers Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about 2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means 5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed 7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking 9:00 The thought download exercise 12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is 15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now 17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical 18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement 19:30 Being curious without being condescending 20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help 21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring 24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means 27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't 30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic Resources and Links Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com. website: https://monicatanner.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter
#106
April 27 · 38 min
The Fawn Response: What It Is and how to change it
If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time. What this episode covers What the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system pattern The research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understanding How fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationships Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for women Where the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhood What fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferences The difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doing Whether fawning is always a trauma response What to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everything Whether the fawn response goes away once you recognise it Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from 3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained 4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life 10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person 12:00 Where the fawn response comes from 16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight 19:00 What it's actually costing you 22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness 23:00 What to actually do about it 26:00 Low-stakes practice 30:00 When to seek support 31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing? 32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response? 33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice? 35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood? 36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it? Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
#105
April 19 · 26 min
Help, We Keep Fighting About Money
Most couples have had the same money argument dozens of times without ever having the real conversation underneath it. Research shows that 58% of Australian couples report finances as a major source of conflict, and a study of over 5,500 couples found the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation. This episode covers: Why money fights are almost never about the money The money stories we carry from childhood and how they shape every conversation about finances How money becomes about power, identity and influence in a relationship The gendered lens we bring to money conversations and why it matters Questions to ask your partner to open the conversation rather than shut it down Why curiosity before problem solving is the thing that actually changes things ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#104
April 8 · 30 min
Sex and Disability: Pleasure Is for Everyone
Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed. Things Discussed Why disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them together Redefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changed The orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration alone How carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselves Practical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditions How to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expect Chapter Timestamps [00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters [03:00] Redefining what sex actually is [06:30] Body image and who sex is for [09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools [13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality [18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk [22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability [26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex [28:00] What sex education should look like [29:30] How to find a sexologist in Australia Resources and Links The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbook The Orgasm Gap by Karen Gurney Sex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommended Society of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.au Pleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.au Free resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex Keep the Conversation Going Download the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sex Got a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode. If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need it. A rating on Apple Podcasts helps more people find the show. Guest Information Casey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au. About the Show https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/marievakakis/ https://www.youtube.com/@marievakakis facebook.com/marievakakisconsulting
#103
March 30 · 19 min
The Psychology of the Ick — and What It Says About You
The ick in dating, it’s that moment where someone does something completely normal, and your whole body just shuts down. A 2025 study found that 64% of people have felt it, and about a quarter ended the relationship because of it. It is a real psychological phenomenon, and it might be telling you more about yourself than the person across the table. This episode covers: What the ick actually is and why it happens Red flags versus superficial triggers How shame, projection and avoidant attachment show up as the ick Whether we are being too picky in the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right ones What to do when the ick shows up in your relationship Resources: If you want to move from reacting to reflecting, download my Conflict & Connection Guide to help you navigate those moments of disconnect. https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-things-women-do-ick_l_65fdc42fe4b087dad305664b
#102
February 18 · 11 min
Is Your Wounded Child Ruining Your Relationship?
Have you ever had a reaction to your partner that felt huge? Like a ten out of ten response to something small? You are crying over coffee. They are confused. You are both thinking, what just happened? It makes sense that this feels confusing. Most couples are not fighting about the present moment. They are reacting from something older. In this episode, I explore how your wounded child shows up in adult relationships, why conflict can feel bigger than the situation and how attachment patterns keep couples stuck in the same loop. This is not about blame. It is about understanding the pattern. In this episode I cover: • Why small arguments turn into big emotional reactions • How childhood needs for safety, soothing and validation shape adult conflict • What anxious and avoidant attachment can look like in a fight • Why you get louder and they shut down • What secure conflict actually feels like • Practical steps to pause, name your needs and respond rather than react You are not broken for reacting strongly. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that. Often, if it feels hysterical, it is historical. The goal is not to erase your wounds. The goal is to make sure they are not driving your adult intimacy. Resources: If you want more support, download the Conflict Guide and start noticing your patterns with compassion and clarity. https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#101
February 9 · 11 min
Attachment Styles in Conflict: Breaking the Cycle
If you keep having the same argument with your partner, it might not be about the topic at all. Often, it is not about the dishes, the plans for the weekend, or who forgot to call back. How you fight, well, that could be based on your attachment style. In this episode, I’ll explore how anxious and avoidant attachment styles show up during conflict and why they can create painful cycles that feel impossible to escape.I’ll share what I see as a couples therapist and what you can do about it. Conflict with a partner activates something deep in our nervous system. Suddenly, we are not calm, rational adults. We are reacting to old attachment wounds. One person escalates, the other withdraws, and before long, the original issue is forgotten while the emotional storm takes over. In this episode I’ll explain how these patterns form, why they make sense from an attachment perspective, and most importantly, how couples can begin to break the cycle. In this episode you will learn: • Why couples repeat the same arguments over and over • How anxious and avoidant attachment styles trigger each other • What happens in the nervous system during relationship conflict • Why silence can feel dangerous for one partner and safe for the other • The difference between taking a break and stonewalling • How to communicate needs clearly during heated moments • Practical scripts to help repair after conflict • Why repair is more important than getting it right Resources mentioned: Working with conflict course: https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/ Download guide: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Couples therapy sessions at The Therapy Hub If this episode resonates, share it with your partner or a friend and start the conversation. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#100
February 2 · 18 min
5 Conversations Couples Should Have Before It’s Too Late
So many couples say the same thing when they come to therapy. We probably should have talked about this earlier. Not because of one big issue, but because of all the small conversations that got pushed aside. In this episode, I’m sharing five relationship topics that come up again and again in my therapy sessions. Things like how to talk about personal goals, navigating money and shared responsibilities, defining sex and intimacy, managing expectations as life changes, and naming the fears that quietly shape how we show up with each other. What we cover The conversations couples often avoid that lead to disconnection What to talk about before starting study or changing routines Why money triggers old patterns, and how to talk about them together How to define sex and intimacy in a way that works for both of you Expectations around parenting, roles and who does what How fear shows up in silence, frustration or resentment Mentioned in this episode Relationship Refresh Workshop (on demand) Sex and Intimacy Conversation Starter Guide Therapy sessions at The Therapy Hub ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
#99
January 20 · 20 min
I Got a Promotion and My Partner Isn’t Happy for Me
Sharing good news with your partner should feel connecting. Yet for many people, moments of success can quickly turn into hurt or tension when the response feels flat, awkward, or dismissive. In this episode, I respond to a listener question about getting a promotion and feeling unsupported by their partner. I unpack three common reasons this happens and what is often going on underneath the surface. This is not about someone being uncaring or selfish. It is about different emotional languages, family histories, and unspoken fears colliding in the same moment. What this episode explores Why celebrations matter differently to different people How family culture shapes responses to success Why promotions can trigger shame, fear, or disconnection How money and identity influence reactions What to say when a moment goes wrong and how to slow the conversation down When good news turns into conflict, it is rarely about the achievement itself. It is about meaning, expectations, and what has not yet been said. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode: Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
#98
January 6 · 20 min
Why Won’t My Partner Communicate With Me
Why won’t my partner communicate with me It’s one of the most common questions I hear in the therapy room and it’s usually coming from someone who feels shut out, unheard or like they’re carrying the emotional load on their own. In this episode of This Complex Life, I’ll share what’s often really going on when communication feels blocked, when you keep fighting or arguing. Because most of the time, it’s not about a lack of words. It’s about emotional safety, overwhelm and patterns that quietly shut conversations down. I talk about emotional flooding, the communication patterns that make things worse instead of better, and how the way conversations start can set them up to fail before they even begin. I also explore how what we learned about conflict growing up still shapes how we show up in our relationships today. You’ll also hear practical questions you can ask that invite reflection instead of defensiveness, and small shifts that can help you feel more connected without escalating into another fight. In this episode, we explore Why communication problems are rarely just about talking Emotional flooding and shutdown and why it feels impossible to stay present The Gottman Four Horsemen and how they show up in everyday conversations How criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling block connection Why timing and tone matter more than being right How family of origin shapes your comfort with conflict Questions that help you understand each other instead of escalating If you’ve ever thought we just don’t communicate anymore, this episode is for you. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode: Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Showing 1–20 of 21 episodes