On Attachment

Stephanie Rigg

Join relationship coach Stephanie Rigg in On Attachment, where she delves deep into all things attachment theory, love, relationships & intimacy - sharing her wisdom and experience to help you start making real changes in your life & relationships.

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32 episodes
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Avg 17 min
English

Episodes 32

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S1 · E288
Today · 18 min
#288: The Difference Between Healthy Needs and Anxious Demands
Preorder my book, The Secure Self How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode. I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious patterns make needs feel so fraught and risky, and what it really takes to know what we need and stand firmly for our wellbeing in our relationships and beyond. Links Preorder my book, The Secure Self Explore my free resources on attachment healing Follow me on Instagram
S1 · E287
October 27 · 18 min
#287: 5 Hard Truths for Avoidant Attachers
Preorder my book, The Secure Self If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships. I talk about: How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you stuck in your avoidance Why your judgment of your partner's "neediness" is both unhelpful and revealing of your own suppressed emotions How your emotions affect the relationship just as much as your partner's, albeit in different ways The difference between being solely responsible for a partner's feelings and the reality of healthy interdependence The importance of stretching beyond what is comfortable and natural if you want to grow Links Preorder my book, The Secure Self Free resources on attachment healing Follow me on Instagram
S1 · E286
October 21 · 12 min
#286: How to Deal With Lingering Thoughts About an Ex (Ask Steph)
Preorder my book, The Secure Self How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up. We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don't make meaning out of it, and why focusing on what you can control (ie, your actions) is far more useful than trying to fight against your thoughts. Links Preorder my book, The Secure Self Free breakup training
S1 · E285
October 15 · 23 min
#285: How to Respond to Inconsistency and Mixed Messages
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships. In this episode, I talk about why inconsistency feels so familiar, how we typically respond, and what it looks like to instead respond with self-respect and security. Links Preorder my book, The Secure Self Free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment
S1 · E284
October 9 · 21 min
#284: How to Navigate Self-Doubt and Regret After Walking Away (Ask Steph)
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on Amazon In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner were wanting different things. Despite having been the one to end things, she is grappling with the loss and having second thoughts about whether stepping away was the right choice. I touch on a lot in my advice to her, including what's "normal" after a breakup, the courage it takes to walk away when nothing big happened, why the fear of regret can cloud our judgment, and under what circumstances a reconciliation is a good idea. Links Preorder my book, The Secure Self Leave a voice message for a future Ask Steph episode Explore my free resources
S1 · E283
October 2 · 36 min
#283: From Self-Abandonment to Self-Worth (Plus TWO Exciting Announcements!)
Pre-order my book, The Secure Self In today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is grounded in self-worth. We discuss why self-abandonment feels so natural to many of us with anxious attachment patterns, the importance of self-compassion, building nervous system capacity, advocating for our needs from a steady place, and building self-trust. My book, The Secure Self, is now available for pre-order! Head to stephanierigg.com/book to claim your exclusive bonus package for free as a pre-order gift with purchase.
S1 · E282
September 22 · 10 min
#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph)
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on themselves post-break-up. I share some thoughts on why shame and blame can be so tempting, but also how it blocks us from truly learning the lessons of our break-up and changing our patterns going forward. I also offer some honest advice on whether it's a good idea to reach out to your ex to share what you've learned about yourself since the break-up.
S1 · E281
September 17 · 21 min
#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't
So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future. In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicament, as well as tips for breaking through the impasse and how you can find your way back to centre irrespective of whether your partner comes to the table. Links Free resources for anxious attachment Free masterclass on breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle
S1 · E280
September 8 · 15 min
#280: Why You Feel Jealous About Your Partner's Past (& How to Navigate It)
In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perceived relational threats coupled with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment. We'll talk about how retroactive jealousy is often a branch off the "unworthiness" tree, and why starting there — with tending to our low self-worth — is often the fix. Links Free resources for healing anxious attachment Follow me on Instagram Subscribe to my YouTube channel
S1 · E279
September 1 · 13 min
#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation. In offering my advice, I share some thoughts on why a first relationship after a long marriage can feel so consuming, why avoidant patterns often show up most acutely when someone is going through something difficult, and why the instinct to chase and accommodate someone who's withdrawing usually costs us more than it helps. We talk about the difference between having compassion for someone's fear and abandoning your own needs to manage it, and why getting clear on what you actually want (before you have the conversation with them) matters so much. If you've ever found yourself dropping your own needs to keep someone from leaving, this one's for you. Have a question you'd like to submit for a future Ask Steph episode? Click here to leave a voice note. Links Free resources for healing anxious attachment Visit my website Follow me on Substack
S1 · E278
August 18 · 10 min
#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being moody. Links Free training for healing anxious attachment: http://stephanierigg.com/haa-webinar-opt-in Take my attachment quiz Subscribe to my YouTube channel Follow me on Instagram
S1 · E277
August 13 · 13 min
#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision. And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to making long-term relationships work. Links Free resources Visit my website Follow me on Instagram
S1 · E276
August 4 · 22 min
#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy. Links Free training on healing anxious attachment Attachment styles quiz Follow me on Instagram
S1 · E275
July 30 · 22 min
#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to). I'll share some thoughts on managing expectations around a break-up, the difference between thoughts and actions, and how you can move through a challenging period with self-respect and dignity. Links Register for my free break-up training here Follow me on Instagram Visit my website
S1 · E274
July 21 · 32 min
#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict
Join the Secure Self Challenge here Today's episode is part 3 of my Attachment & Conflict series, and we're talking all about how to transform the way you do conflict. I'll be sharing general tips and mindset shifts for how to approach conflict, as well as specific guidance for both anxious and avoidant partners on what to do (and not to do) to avoid getting pulled into those all-too-familiar negative cycles.
S1 · E273
July 16 · 24 min
#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment
Register for the Secure Self Challenge here In today's episode, we're talking once again about how attachment patterns shape our experience of conflict in relationships, with a particular focus on avoidant attachment. We talk about why avoidant folks instinctively pull back from conflict, as well as often-used conflict strategies including appeasement, defensiveness, dismissal, and disengagement.
S1 · E272
July 9 · 10 min
#272: How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Avoidant Attachment (Ask Steph)
Access the replay for the Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of: "How do I talk to my partner about their avoidant attachment without them feeling labelled?" I share some thoughts on how best to approach this, and what isn't likely to land well.
S1 · E271
July 7 · 23 min
#271: Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Guidance for Partners (Part 4)
Last chance to register for the free Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour workshop Today's episode is the fourth and final instalment of my deep dive series into fearful avoidant attachment, and this episode is one for the partners (with a focus on anxiously attached partners). I share guidance around how to be mindful of your own tendency to overfunction, and how this can lead you into codependent dynamics. I also offer some thoughts on how best to lovingly support your fearful avoidant partner, while also honouring yourself and ensuring there is accountability around any difficult behaviours in the relationship. Links Visit my website: stephanierigg.com Free resources for anxious attachment: stephanierigg.com/free-resources
S1 · E270
July 2 · 12 min
#270: How to Remain Hopeful After Heartbreak & Bad Dating Experiences (Ask Steph)
When you've had a string of heartbreaks, disappointments, and bad dating experiences, remaining hopeful can be a big ask of your system. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why forcing yourself to feel hopeful might not be the thing you need, and why it might be best to give yourself the time to grieve, reflect, and grow before forcing yourself back into the dating arena. Register for my Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviour Workshop
S1 · E269
June 30 · 19 min
#269: Stay or Go: How to Know When It's Time to Walk Away
Subscribe to my Substack For many of us who struggle with letting go (and tend towards relationship-fixing at all costs), walking away can feel like a measure of absolute last resort — like almost nothing would justify the immense and all-consuming pain of having to let go of someone you love. And when you layer in self-doubt and a deep fear of regret, it can feel next to impossible. Sadly, it’s not a decision anyone but you can make. But there are absolutely ways to make the decision a clearer one — one that you trust in the rightness of, and can confidently stand behind — even if it doesn’t make it any easier. Register for the free workshop on Anxious Attachment Protest Behaviours: https://stephanierigg.com/protest-workshop-opt-in

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