Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Rewind: How to Build Secure Polyamorous Relationships | Jessica Fern & David Cooley

Some conversations are just too good to stay buried in the archives. This week I'm bringing back one of my absolute favorite episodes with Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, and David Cooley, co-author of Polywise. Even three years later, this conversation feels just as relevant, thoughtful, and practical as it did the first time we recorded it. If you've ever struggled with jealousy, conflict, emotional triggers, or wondered how to build relationships that actually grow stronger through hard conversations, you're going to want to listen to this one. What I love most about this conversation is that Jessica and David don't just teach relationship theory. They share the messy, beautiful reality of living it. They talk openly about opening their relationship, divorce, becoming life partners again, raising a child together, repairing after conflict, and the emotional work it took to get there. We explore what emotional intelligence actually looks like in everyday relationships, why slowing down often creates more freedom than rushing ahead, and how conflict can become one of the greatest pathways to intimacy instead of something to avoid. One of my favorite moments comes near the end of the episode, when Jessica and David turn the tables and interview me about my own journey through jealousy. Looking back now, it's fascinating to hear that conversation knowing how much my work has continued to evolve around helping people move through jealousy with compassion instead of shame. If you're newer to non-monogamy, this episode will give you practical tools for navigating the inevitable challenges that come with growth. If you've been practicing for years, I think you'll still find yourself nodding along and maybe hearing something in a completely new way. In this episode, we talk about: Why relationships don't have to fit an all-or-nothing model What emotional intelligence actually looks like in healthy relationships How to recognize when repair is needed before resentment builds The role conflict plays in creating deeper intimacy Working with nervous system regulation during difficult conversations Why curiosity is one of the greatest relationship skills you can develop The power of slowing down while opening a relationship Healing attachment wounds and building lasting security Whether polyamory is an identity, an orientation, or a relationship choice My personal journey from overwhelming jealousy to emotional freedom Whether you're just opening your relationship or you've been practicing non-monogamy for years, this conversation is full of the kind of wisdom that only comes from people who've done the work themselves. I'd love to hear what stands out to you after listening. Come find me on Instagram and let me know what resonated most. If this episode supports you, please share it with someone who could use a little more compassion, clarity, and hope on their own relationship journey. Thanks for being here, and enjoy this Rewind episode. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Growing Up in a Polyamorous Family | A Conversation with Koe Creation

What is it actually like to grow up in a polyamorous family? There are plenty of opinions about how non-monogamy affects children, but very few of those opinions come from people who actually lived it. In this re-released episode of Nope, We're Not Monogamous, I sit down with educator, author, and activist Koe Creation, who grew up in a polyamorous family and now helps people navigate conversations around relationships, gender, sexuality, and chosen family. Together we explore what childhood was really like, how parents can create emotionally safe homes, and why honesty, trust, and communication matter so much more than whether your relationships fit traditional expectations. We also talk about navigating judgment from the outside world, introducing partners to children, "meta parents," and the importance of giving kids age-appropriate information without making relationships feel secret or shameful. Whether you're already raising children in a non-monogamous family, considering opening your relationship, or simply curious about what healthy alternative family structures can look like, this conversation offers a thoughtful perspective that challenges many of the assumptions our culture still holds. In this episode we discuss: What it was like growing up in a polyamorous family How children experience non-monogamy differently than adults often assume Talking with kids about relationships in age-appropriate ways Creating emotional safety through honesty instead of secrecy Navigating schools, extended family, and social stigma The role of chosen family and "meta parents" Why communication matters more than family structure The Platinum Rule: treating people the way they want to be treated What today's media still gets wrong about polyamory Timestamps 00:00 Why people misunderstand polyamorous families 01:25 Meet Koe Creation 06:00 Choosing non-monogamy for yourself 12:30 Growing up outside traditional family structures 21:50 Privacy, secrecy, and navigating the outside world 28:50 Talking to children about non-monogamy 40:00 The Platinum Rule and healthier relationships 51:00 Representation, media, and the future of polyamorous families Connect with Koe Creation Website: https://www.koecreation.com X/Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/koecreation Books Mentioned This Heart Holds Many: My Life as the Non-Binary Millennial of a Polyamorous Family by Koe Creation Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá ❤️ If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who could use a little reassurance that there are many ways to build a loving family. If you're navigating jealousy, opening a relationship, or trying to create healthier, more secure connections, you can book a free Clarity Chat with me at elleciapaine.com/chat. About the Podcast Nope, We're Not Monogamous explores the real lives of people creating love outside traditional relationship structures. Every week we have honest conversations about ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, attachment, communication, sexuality, and building relationships that feel authentic instead of automatic. Hosted by relationship coach Ellecia Paine. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Rewind: Wilder on Closed Triads, Poly Families & Living Authentically, EP. 161

Some conversations are simply too good to leave in the archives. This week I'm re-releasing one of my favorite early episodes with my dear friend, Wilder. Even years later, this conversation feels just as relevant. We dive into what it actually looks like to build a life outside of traditional relationship norms, from joining an already-married couple to creating a thriving polyamorous family together. Wilder shares her experience of living in a closed triad, navigating the assumptions people make about triads, unpacking monogamous conditioning, and raising children in a loving, intentional polyamorous household. Whether you're curious about polyamory, already practicing ethical non-monogamy, or simply interested in questioning the relationship scripts we've all inherited, this conversation is full of honesty, vulnerability, and hope. Wilder lives in Olalla with her partners, their children, and an ever-growing collection of chickens, ducks, adventures, and beautiful chaos. In This Episode What a closed triad actually is - and what people often misunderstand about them Why labels can be helpful...and where they can become limiting The emotional journey of transitioning from monogamy to polyamory Authenticity, self-love, and creating relationships that fit who you really are Unlearning monogamous programming Navigating jealousy with curiosity instead of fear Raising children in a polyamorous family Imagining new possibilities for love, family, and partnership The difference between control and trust Choosing authenticity over societal expectations Timestamps 2:19 – What is a closed triad? 4:20 – Labels and identity 8:24 – Transitioning into polyamory 15:03 – Authenticity and self-love 18:59 – Monogamous programming and triad dynamics 33:24 – Jealousy 44:49 – Raising kids in a polyamorous family 52:44 – The possibilities of the future 54:41 – Control versus trust 1:00:08 – Living authentically If you enjoyed this conversation, I'd love for you to share it with someone who's questioning the relationship "rules" they've always been taught. Every time we hear real stories from real people, it becomes a little easier to imagine that there are many ways to build a loving, connected life. ❤️ Thanks for listening to Nope, We're Not Monogamous. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What Nobody Teaches You About Polycule Dynamics with Red DeRooy and Stacey Smith?

Most conversations about non-monogamy focus on opening a relationship, navigating jealousy, or finding new partners. But what happens after that? How do you navigate a polycule where relationships are constantly evolving? How do you manage different expectations, conflicting needs, shifting priorities, and the very human reality that not everyone connects in the same way? In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, I'm joined by Red DeRooy and Stacey Smith?, co-authors of Nonmonogamy and Group Dynamics, to explore what it really takes to build healthy relationship communities. We talk about why polycules function more like communities than relationship structures, how many of the skills you already use in friendships can help you navigate non-monogamy, and why curiosity is often more valuable than certainty. Whether you're part of a large polycule, have close metamour relationships, or are simply trying to build stronger connections with the people you love, this conversation is packed with practical insights. In this episode, we discuss: Why romantic groups function differently than one-on-one relationships How to manage different expectations without unnecessary conflict The difference between fairness and equality in non-monogamy Why communication starts with knowing what to talk about Managing conflict without destabilizing an entire polycule Why every relationship is still built one connection at a time The importance of one-on-one connection, even within group relationships Different approaches to metamour relationships and why there isn't one "right" way Building found family and community through non-monogamy Navigating breakups with compassion and preserving meaningful connections The surprising relationship skills you probably already have One of my favorite moments from this conversation was the reminder that most of us already know more than we think we do. You've probably navigated friendship groups, family conflict, difficult conversations, changing relationships, and competing needs long before practicing non-monogamy. Those same skills are often the foundation for creating thriving polycules. Connect with Stacey and Red - Grab a copy of Nonmonogamy and Group Dynamics wherever books are sold, including audiobook format. 💜 Interested in one-on-one coaching? Book a Clarity Chat: https://elleciapaine.com Enjoying the podcast? If this episode helped you, please: ⭐ Leave a rating and review 🎙 Subscribe so you never miss an episode 📲 Share this episode with a friend or partner who's navigating non-monogamy Your support helps more people discover that there are so many ways to build healthy, loving relationships. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

The Courage to Show Up: Sex Positivity and Finding Your People with Jamie Love, EP. 159

What if the thing you're craving most isn't another dating app, another relationship book, or another set of rules? What if it's community? In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, Ellecia sits down with Jamie Love, Executive Director of Sex Positive World, to talk about the power of finding spaces where you can show up authentically, explore with curiosity, and realize you're not as alone as you thought. They dive into what sex positivity actually means beyond the stereotypes, why community is essential for people navigating non-monogamy, kink, and alternative relationships, and how play can become a pathway to deeper intimacy and self-discovery. Whether you're brand new to this world or you've been practicing non-monogamy for years, this conversation is a reminder that you don't have to have it all figured out before you find your people. In This Episode, We Discuss: What Sex Positive World is and the work they're doing to make sexuality education more accessible Why community matters so much when exploring non-monogamy and kink The courage it takes to attend your first event alone How shame keeps us disconnected and what happens when we let ourselves be seen Why observation is participation and why you never have to do more than feels right for you Boundaries, consent, and learning what your wants, needs, and desires actually are The role of play in intimacy, pleasure, and connection Pet play, primal play, cuddle spaces, and expanding your definition of what intimacy can look like How sex positivity intersects with advocacy, belonging, and creating cultural change Why finding your people matters now more than ever Resources Mentioned Sex Positive World: https://www.sexpositiveworld.org Learn more about Sex Positive World's online classes, community events, and educational offerings Polytopia Conference in Portland, Oregon Jessica Fern and Polysecure Connect with Jamie Love Jamie Love (she/they) is the Executive Director of Sex Positive World and an educator, facilitator, and community builder passionate about creating spaces where people can explore sexuality, relationships, consent, and connection without shame. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

• Transcript

Compersion Isn’t Mandatory, EP. 158

Do you ever feel like everyone else in polyamory got the compersion memo except you? Like you're supposed to be thrilled when your partner is excited about someone else... and if you're not, maybe you're doing non-monogamy wrong? In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we're talking about compersion, what it actually is, what it isn't, and why forcing yourself to feel it often creates more harm than healing. Because here's the truth: You don't have to be ecstatic. You don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not. And neutrality is a huge win. Inside this episode, we explore: → why compersion isn't mandatory → the pressure to be the "cool" polyamorous person → how comparison and scarcity keep us stuck → the social fairy tale training that taught us love equals exclusivity → why your partner's joy doesn't erase your value → how emotional safety creates space for genuine compersion → why forcing compersion is often self-abandonment wearing glitter [laugh] Because real compersion doesn't grow from pressure. It grows from trust. From self-worth. From emotional security. From knowing that somebody else's happiness doesn't automatically threaten your place in their life. If you've ever wondered why compersion feels hard, or felt like you were failing because you weren't happy enough for your partner, this episode is for you. 💜 💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who needs to hear it. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Your emotional journey gets to be uniquely yours. 💜 Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

How to Talk About Jealousy Without Starting a Fight, EP. 157

Have you ever rehearsed a hard conversation in your head… and then the second you try to have it, everything comes out wrong? Maybe you shut down. Maybe you get defensive. Maybe you try so hard not to sound “too much” that you stop saying what you actually mean. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about communication, conflict, and how to navigate hard conversations around jealousy without losing yourself in the process. We get into: → why jealousy conversations feel so emotionally charged → the difference between reacting and responding → how to communicate needs without blame → using “I” statements that aren’t just “I think you’re being a jerk” 😅 → why listening and non-verbal communication matter so much Because underneath so many conflict cycles is usually something much more vulnerable: “I’m scared.” “I need reassurance.” “I don’t want to lose this connection.” And learning how to communicate THAT instead of the panic story? That changes relationships. 💜 💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it. Take what resonates and leave the rest. 💜 Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

• Transcript

How to Stop Spiraling When Jealousy Takes Over, Ep. 156

Have you ever noticed how jealousy can completely hijack your body? Your thoughts race. Your chest tightens, You start looking for signs something is wrong. And suddenly you’re spiraling before your logical brain can even catch up. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about emotional intelligence, nervous system regulation, and what to actually do when jealousy takes over. We get into: → why jealousy feels so physically intense → the difference between valid feelings and accurate conclusions → how to stop treating every fear like a fact → mindfulness without bypassing your emotions → building emotional resilience instead of emotional suppression Because emotional regulation isn’t about becoming emotionless. It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself while you’re feeling something hard. If you’ve ever thought: “Why can’t I calm down?” “Why do I still spiral?” “Why does this feel so intense?” This episode is for you. 💜 💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

• Transcript

Why Jealousy Hits So Hard (And What It’s Really Trying to Protect) EP. 154

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, shame-filled, and honestly… kind of brutal. A delayed text, a shift in energy, hearing your partner mention someone else, and suddenly your body is spiraling before your brain can catch up. If you’ve ever felt jealous and then judged yourself for it, this episode is for you. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m breaking down why jealousy feels so intense, especially in non-monogamy, and what’s often really happening underneath it. We talk about: → why jealousy is a normal human emotion → the fear, comparison, and old wounds underneath it → why shame makes jealousy feel even bigger → how to start understanding what jealousy is trying to tell you If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships. 💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy, Boundaries, and the Things You’re Afraid to Ask For, EP. 155

Have you ever felt jealous… but underneath it was resentment? Maybe you said you were fine. Tried to be chill. Tried to be supportive. Tried not to be “too much.” But deep down, something didn’t feel good, and instead of naming it, asking for what you needed, or honoring your discomfort… you pushed it down. Then jealousy showed up carrying all of it. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the connection between jealousy and boundaries, and why jealousy often gets louder when you’ve been ignoring yourself. We get into: → why jealousy is often information, not a verdict → how unmet needs can turn into resentment → the difference between boundaries and control → why speaking up can feel so scary → how to ask what jealousy may be asking you to honor → why honesty creates real security If you’ve ever struggled to ask for what you need, felt guilty having boundaries, or tried to be the “cool” partner while quietly hurting, this episode is for you. If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure, self-trusting, and grounded in love. 💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

If It Feels Hard… You’re Not Doing It Wrong, EP. 153

Jealousy in non-monogamy doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s not a big blow-up or obvious conflict. Sometimes it’s the slow build. A little comparison. A little overthinking. That subtle drop in your stomach when your partner mentions someone else. And before you know it, it’s affecting your mood, your communication, and the way you show up in your relationship. In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the hidden cost of ignoring jealousy, especially in polyamory and open relationships, and why trying to “be chill” or push past your feelings usually creates more distance, not more security. We’re getting into: → why jealousy doesn’t stay contained to one moment → how ignored triggers stack over time and impact your nervous system → the sneaky ways jealousy affects communication in polyamory → why your reactions might feel bigger than the situation → how to stop overthinking and start feeling more grounded → what actually helps you work through jealousy in a healthy way If you’ve been feeling anxious in your relationship, struggling with comparison, or noticing that jealousy is quietly shaping how you show up, this episode will help you feel less alone and give you a place to start. This is for anyone navigating: → jealousy in polyamory → jealousy in open relationships → comparison in non-monogamy → relationship anxiety → fear of not being enough → feeling activated when your partner dates others 💜 If you’re ready for deeper support, check out Beyond Jealousy here: https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondjealousy Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Dating Someone Who’s Already Partnered… and Still Feeling Alone, EP. 152

There’s a very specific kind of loneliness that can happen when you’re dating someone who’s already partnered. The connection can be real. The feelings can be real. And still… something feels off. If you’re navigating non-monogamy as a solo person, especially when you’re dating someone who already has an established partner, this episode is for you. Because this dynamic can be beautiful… and also confusing, activating, and quietly painful if you don’t have language for what’s happening. In this episode, we’re talking about: → Why you can feel deeply connected and still feel lonely → The difference between choosing this dynamic vs. settling for it → How your needs can change as you get more emotionally invested → Why early dating is still early dating (even in polyamory) → The impact of couple’s privilege (and how to recognize it) → How to advocate for your needs without overcompensating → Why you have to date what’s actually available… not potential → What it looks like when this dynamic is actually healthy And most importantly… How to stop centering couplehood as the only way to feel loved, supported, and fully met. This episode is about staying anchored in yourself, even when the connection is strong. Because you don’t have to become the “cool, low-maintenance partner” to make this work. And you don’t have to convince yourself that less is enough. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Communication Triangles in Polyamory: The Subtle Dynamic That Creates Drama EP. 151

Have you ever found yourself holding feelings about a relationship… that technically isn’t even yours? Like your partner shares something about their other partner…and suddenly you f eel protective… or tense… or a little off around someone you didn’t have an issue with before? Yeah… that’s usually a communication triangle. In this episode, I’m breaking down how triangulation actually shows up in non-monogamy, why it’s so easy to fall into, and how it can quietly create tension and distortion in your relationships. We talk about the difference between venting and processing, the “emotional telephone” effect, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to hold. And I share one of my favorite grounding practices for this: ✨ stay in your lane, stay in your truth ✨ Because when communication gets cleaner, your relationships get lighter, clearer, and way more sustainable. 💜 In this episode, we get into: • What communication triangles actually are (and how to spot them) • Why triangulation happens so easily in polyamory • How emotional “telephone” creates misunderstanding and tension • The difference between venting and processing (with real examples) • How we accidentally recruit partners into conflict • A simple practice to clean up your communication: stay in your lane, stay in your truth • How to stop carrying emotional dynamics that aren’t yours Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Showing Up Alone to a Swingers Event Changed Everything - Ep. 150 with Kate Heskett

What if the thing you thought made you “too much”… was actually the doorway to deeper connection, more honest relationships, and a whole lot more pleasure? In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by writer and poet Kate Heskett, whose story appears in the new anthology Pillow Talk, a collection of real, raw, awkward, and hilarious experiences of sex, intimacy, and desire. Kate shares what it was like to show up alone to their very first swingers hotel takeover, the anxiety, the curiosity, and the unexpected validation of finding people who see the world the way they do. We talk about what happens when monogamy never quite made sense, the messy transition into non-monogamy, and what it actually looks like to build “love-first” relationships without rigid rules. In This Episode, We Cover: → What a swingers hotel takeover is really like (beyond the fantasy) → The anxiety and courage of showing up alone to your first lifestyle event → Kate’s story “Pineapples in the Snow” and what it represents → Growing up feeling “wrong” and trying to fit into monogamy → The transition from monogamy to non-monogamy (and why it can be messy) → What “love-first” non-monogamy looks like in real life → Navigating triad dynamics, distance, and communication → Compersion, voyeurism, and different turn-ons in open relationships → Why real, honest stories about sex and relationships matter About Kate Heskett Kate Heskett (they/them) is an award-winning poet, writer, and canoe guide based in Whistler, BC. Their work has been published in Pique and The Lupine Review, and they are a contributing author in the anthology Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. Their story, Pineapples in the Snow, shares their first experience at a swingers hotel takeover, exploring risk, desire, and the powerful validation of finding community. Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. is an anthology featuring 18 writers sharing frank, funny, and deeply human stories about intimacy, desire, and the moments we don’t usually talk about. From awkward encounters to moments of joy and self-discovery, this book helps normalize the full spectrum of human experience. 👉 Grab the book + leave a review to help these stories reach more people Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Metamours, Friendship, and the Myth of Instant Kitchen Table Polyamory, EP. 149

What are metamour relationships supposed to look like in non-monogamy? Do you have to be instant best friends… or even chosen family… with your partner’s partner? In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine explores the real emotional pacing of metamour connections. From the pressure to create “kitchen table polyamory” right away, to the importance of chemistry, play, and nervous system safety, this conversation offers grounded insight for anyone navigating polyamory, open relationships, or complex love dynamics. You’ll learn why authentic metamour relationships grow through shared experiences over time, not performance or obligation, and how to build connection in ways that feel sustainable for your real life. Whether you’re new to non-monogamy or deep in your journey, this episode will help you release unrealistic expectations and create more compassionate, conscious relationship dynamics. In this episode we explore: • What kitchen table polyamory really means (and common misconceptions) • Why expecting instant closeness with metamours can create pressure • How friendship chemistry and pacing impact polyamorous relationships • The role of play and shared experiences in building trust • How to allow metamour relationships to develop naturally • Emotional safety, authenticity, and sustainable connection in non-monogamy Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

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NRE: Why New Relationship Energy Feels So Good (and Why You Should Slow Down) EP. 148

New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is one of the most talked-about dynamics in non-monogamy, and one of the most misunderstood. In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what NRE actually is, what’s happening in your brain and body during those early stages of attraction, and why the dopamine-fueled excitement of a new connection can make people feel euphoric, obsessive, and sometimes a little reckless. You’ll learn: • The brain chemistry behind NRE • Why the intensity can last up to 18 months • Why people recommend avoiding big life decisions during NRE • How NRE can create anxiety for both partners and the person experiencing it • Why slowing down actually helps relationships grow stronger Ellecia also explores why NRE shouldn’t be villainized, and how to enjoy the spark of a new connection without burning through it or destabilizing your existing relationships. Because NRE isn’t the problem. But awareness, pacing, and communication make all the difference. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Resentment Is a Boundary Problem (And It’s Not What You Think)

If you’ve been feeling resentful in your open relationship, this episode is for you. In Episode 147 of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why resentment in non-monogamy is rarely about jealousy or bad communication. It’s usually about boundaries. Specifically: The boundary you didn’t set The boundary you didn’t enforce Or the agreement your body never truly consented to So many people in ethical non-monogamy confuse boundaries with rules, agreements, or ultimatums. When that happens, resentment builds quietly under the surface. In this episode, we explore the difference between: Personal boundaries and relationship agreements Boundaries and ultimatums Autonomy and self-abandonment If you’ve ever tried to be the “cool partner,” agreed to something you weren’t actually okay with, or said “I’m fine” when you weren’t… this conversation will help you see what resentment is really pointing to. Because resentment isn’t random. It’s information. And it might be telling you it’s time to stop bulldozing yourself in the name of being evolved. 💜 In This Episode We Cover: Why resentment in polyamory often signals self-betrayal How confusing agreements with boundaries creates conflict The difference between boundaries and ultimatums in ENM Why enforcement is about your participation, not control The master question to ask when evaluating compatibility How to rebuild self-trust after boundary collapse Want to Go Deeper? I created a Patreon-only ENM Boundary Reset to help you walk through: Where resentment is showing up in your body What you agreed to that your nervous system didn’t How to identify your real boundary And what protecting yourself actually looks like If you’re ready for implementation and integration, get it at www.patreon.com/notmonogamous Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

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Poly Agony: The Mistakes, Repair, and Reality of Raising Kids While Open with Candace Sogren

Non-monogamy isn’t just more love. It’s more feelings, more conversations, and sometimes… a lot more processing. In this episode, I’m sitting down with Candace Sogren, lawyer, former CEO, emotional intelligence facilitator, mom, and author of Poly Agony. She’s been ethically non-monogamous for over 20 years, raising a child in community, building non-traditional family structures, and living this life fully out loud. And we’re not talking about the cute, Instagram version of polyamory. We’re talking about the mistakes. The broken agreements. The repair conversations. The parenting realities. And what it actually takes to make this sustainable. We get into: → The most common mistakes couples make when opening → Why repair matters more than perfection → Raising kids in open relationships without shame → Transparency vs. disclosure (especially with children) → Introducing partners in healthy, grounded ways → The emotional labor of loving more than one person Candace also shares a powerful story about advocating for non-traditional families after being denied custody of children because of her polyamorous identity. This episode is for you if you’re opening a relationship, parenting while poly, or just trying to build something that actually fits your heart. Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

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Needs vs Wants in Non-Monogamy: There’s No Prize for Needing Less EP.145

Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy? If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it. In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more. There’s no prize for needing less. You’re not needy. You’re human. What You’ll Learn • Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask • How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more • The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance” • How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory • Better questions to ask your nervous system instead • How to stop disappearing in your relationships • Why your desires deserve space too Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

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The Real Glow-Up: Self-Love, Desire, and Ethical Non-Monogamy with Dr. Joy Berkheimer, EP. 144

Opening a relationship can feel empowering… and activating. A lot of people expect ethical non-monogamy or polyamory to feel freeing right away. Instead, it often brings up jealousy, comparison, attachment wounds, and questions about self-worth. If you’ve ever thought: “Why am I confident everywhere else but spiraling in my relationship?” “Why does non-monogamy trigger my insecurities?” “How do I feel secure and desirable while practicing ENM?” This episode is for you. Relationship coach Ellecia Paine talks with clinical sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer about confidence, desire, body image, attachment, and emotional regulation in ethical non-monogamy. Together they explore how ENM can become a path toward deeper self-trust, sexual empowerment, and real self-love. This conversation blends therapy, lived experience, and practical wisdom for women navigating open relationships, polyamory, and personal growth. 🔥 In this episode, you’ll learn: • How Dr. Joy discovered non-monogamy through swinging and polyamory • Why swingers spaces can be surprisingly consent-focused and body-positive • How jealousy and comparison show up in ENM (and what they’re actually pointing to) • The role of attachment styles and early relationship experiences • How to explore desire without shame • Why community and support groups matter in non-monogamy • What triads/throuples teach us about boundaries and emotional needs • How self-love and sexual confidence impact relationship security • What a “glow-up” really means in relationships and personal growth • Practical ways to build confidence while practicing ethical non-monogamy 👤 About Dr. Joy Berkheimer Dr. Joy Berkheimer is a clinical sexologist, licensed therapist, and relationship coach who helps women reconnect with desire, confidence, and embodied self-trust. Instagram: @glowyourgoddess YouTube: Dear Dr. Joy Website: joyberkheimer.com Send us Fan Mail Support the show 📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter ❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 👀 Find Us Online 🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com 📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/ Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein STIM IPI: 572 393 237

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