ADHD Mums

28. ADHD and Friendship: Why You Can't Send the Text (Even to People You Like)

There's a mum at pickup you really like. Ninety seconds every afternoon, one of those chats where you both go 'yeah, exactly' — and then the kids spill out, someone's swinging a backpack like a helicopter, someone's demanding the petrol station, and you're pulled away before you can even say goodbye. And every day you get back to the car thinking: I should have her over. We should do a barbecue. I'd love to actually talk to her for more than ninety seconds. You got her number in January. It's the end of July. And you've made no progress at all. You've probably already filed that as proof you're flaky, cold, a bad friend. This episode is Jane taking that story apart — because the silence between you and someone you genuinely like usually isn't 'I don't want this.' It's 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with.' CHAPTERS 00:00 — Nat, the 90-second pickup chat, and the barbecue that never happens 02:29 — Got her number in January. It's July. No progress. 03:57 — 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' — the personality we build around it 05:33 — The executive-function tax on turning a pickup mum into a real friend 06:36 — It's not that you need to try harder. It might be the fuel tank. 07:13 — The mum with the same life who still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue 08:36 — Good girl conditioning: when friendship becomes your job to carry 10:45 — When you can't stand the silence — and what your brain files it as 12:09 — Why a late-diagnosed brain has had decades to build 'I ruin friendships' 14:31 — The flicker of energy, and the threat analysis that kills the text 15:54 — The heart-react as a hostage 'proof of life' photo 17:35 — Moving to acreage, and quietly deleting myself 18:43 — 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with' 20:16 — Why 'just put yourself out there' aims you straight at burnout 22:11 — What actually works: the low-fuel, no-apology text 23:42 — Drop the bar. Plug a friend into the worst 40 minutes of your week. 26:28 — Maybe the skill isn't the barbecue. It's letting friendship be uneven. WHAT WE COVER The pickup mum you really like, the barbecue you keep meaning to have, and the seven months that have quietly gone by Why 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' becomes a personality — and what it's actually covering for The hidden executive-function tax on turning a mum you like into a mum who's actually your friend: remembering, initiating, holding the plan, pushing through the 'what if it's awkward' Why the friend with the same number of kids and the same Saturday sport still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue — and why it's not that she's better at friendship Good girl conditioning, and what happens when you learned early that friendship is your job to carry, keep alive, and never drop The other version — when you can't stand the silence, and your brain files 'haven't heard from them in ages' as danger The flicker of energy to send the text, and the threat analysis your brain runs to talk you out of it The heart-react on her story as a 'hostage proof of life' photo — I'm here, I'm fine, please don't give up on me Why 'put yourself out there, just make more effort, have them over' is telling you to spend the exact thing you've run out of What actually works with an empty tank: the low-fuel, no-apology text, dropping the bar, and letting the friendship be uneven and survive anyway FREE RESOURCES Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — budget your energy for your real capacity, not what you think you should be doing — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Household Family Meeting Template — for the load underneath 'there are no leftovers' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ PAID RESOURCES ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ RELATED EPISODES School Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy — S2 EP65, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-65-school-pick-up-can-be-draining-how-to-stop-overthinking-save-your-social-energy/ QUICK RESET: I Cancel Plans Because I Don't Have the Energy to Fake My Personality — S3 EP14, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/ You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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27. ADHD and Survival Mode: How to Stop Trying Harder and Actually Thrive (with Rachel Few)

From the outside, she's on top of it. Then something small happens — a cold, a bad night, one extra thing — and the whole thing collapses. And she decides the collapse is the problem. She needs to be better. More disciplined. Try harder. But the collapse isn't the problem. The collapse is information. The problem is that she's been running her whole life on a system that was never built for her brain — and every time it falls over, she reads it as proof that she's the thing that's broken. Rachel Few is back, and this one is about the loop underneath all of it: if I could just try harder. Why effort was rewarded your whole life, why it stopped working the moment you had kids, and what it actually takes to stop surviving and start thriving — not the influencer version with the one massage and the full cup, the real one. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The collapse isn't the problem. The collapse is information. 02:07 — Why 'just try harder' worked for years — until it didn't 03:12 — Jane's two years out of school, and the effort trap hiding inside a success story 04:36 — Add kids, and the sprint you can't run as a marathon 05:42 — Fight or flight: why you can't get the drone view of your own life 06:41 — Why every mum deserves a coach, and nobody questions it for a marathon 06:56 — The homework trap — leaving every appointment with more to do 09:02 — Why women keep landing back on 'I'm the problem' 10:25 — Effort that's purposeful vs effort that's just doing, doing, doing 11:26 — 'I've done years of therapy but I still can't get the shopping done' 13:22 — When to go back and unpack, and when to stay in the here and now 15:27 — The Friday meltdown that actually started on Monday 16:48 — The map: why women stop feeling like they're winging it 17:45 — The wine-and-big-plans trap, and Jane's real conversation with her husband 20:15 — The rugby coaching question — is it the thing you want, or one of four? 23:38 — Doing the mapping for our kids but never for ourselves 26:35 — Her one takeaway: cancel half a day RESOURCES & REFERENCES For more on Rachel Few — https://rachelfew.com/ Free Resources ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the burnout and the body-keeps-score part — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/ Paid Resources ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — the closest thing to the 'what fills my cup, what goes, where are my spoons' mapping Rachel walks through — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/ ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes Overstimulated Before 7am — And No One Sees the Work — with Rachel Few — her first episode, one of the most-consumed on the show — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/rachel-few/ What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/ Burnout, Pain & Weird Symptoms? The ADHD Link No One Told Us About — S2 EP62, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-62-burnout-pain-weird-symptoms-the-adhd-link-no-one-told-us-about/ Preventing Burnout: The Power of Setting Boundaries — S2 EP37, with Kara Lynch — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-adhd-autism-or-both-karas-story-of-burnout-and-sensory-overload/ About the Guest Rachel Few runs Neurodivergent Counselling and Mentoring on the Sunshine Coast — telehealth, available Australia-wide. As a social worker, former school counsellor, and neurodivergent mother herself, her approach is holistic and body-centred: working with the nervous system as much as the brain. Website: https://rachelfew.com — free 15-minute connection calls available via her site. 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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26. Why You Can't Accept Kindness: Masking, Surface Acting and the Wall That Blocks Love In

Your best friend leaves a box of tampons on your doorstep on the worst day of your fortnight — no fuss, no waiting around, just quietly handling the piece of the nightmare nobody else saw. And you well up. Real tears. And then you wait ten minutes to make sure she's gone before you'll even open the door, delete the thank-you you started typing, and walk off. Because you could not have said it to her face if someone paid you. If you're the woman who leaves a gift on a doorstep and runs, who dodges goodbyes with people she loves, who can't stand inside a thank you — you've probably filed that away as proof you're cold. Broken in the part where you're meant to feel things. This episode is Jane pulling that file back out and finding the opposite: it's not that the love is missing. It might be flooding. Masking, surface acting, and the wall that goes up right where other people let love in — and why every piece of advice you've been given points you the wrong way. CHAPTERS 00:00 — Twenty-one, on an Emirates training flight, and my face is the problem 01:34 — Learning the Barbie-princess smile in the mirror 02:32 — The box of tampons, and the door I couldn't open 04:45 — Ten minutes, a deleted text, and walking off in tears 05:31 — The filing cabinet: 'there's something wrong with me,' opened at 2am 06:22 — The goodbyes I swerve, the thank-yous I can't stand in 07:43 — 'I'm not cold. I cried over a box of tampons.' 08:33 — The real problem: a feeling with no volume control 08:56 — What was actually happening on those flights 13:46 — Surface acting: the sociologist who studied this in 1983 16:05 — Two settings — perform the okay face, or leave 18:49 — Why every piece of 'just be present' advice fails someone like me 20:55 — The therapy this is secretly built on — ACT, and acting on what you value 23:00 — The moment was never the love. The tampons mattering that much was. 25:04 — What I'd do differently: feel it, then send something real by text 26:50 — You get to love people in your own way WHAT WE COVER The Emirates training flight where Jane was told, over and over, that her technically-perfect service didn't matter — her face did Learning to perform the 'Barbie princess' smile in the mirror, and what years of that installs in a nervous system The box of tampons on the doorstep — one of the kindest things anyone's ever done for her — and why she waited for her friend to leave before she'd open the door The 2am filing cabinet labelled 'there's something wrong with me,' and the subtheme she found inside it The goodbyes she actively swerves, the gifts she leaves 'like a robber,' and the years of reading all of it as proof she's cold The reframe: it was never a missing feeling — it's a feeling that arrives with no volume control, like a flood, with nowhere safe to show it What was really happening on those flights — the workers, the conditions, the smiling over something that was not fine — and how surface acting burns you out Why every piece of standard advice — slow down, be present, make eye contact, receive it properly — aims you straight at the exact thing your body evacuates for a reason The evidence-based therapy this is secretly built on, and the one shift inside it that changes everything What Jane would do differently now — and the real, texted, kitchen-bench version of 'thank you' that works for a nervous system like hers FREE RESOURCES ADHD Physical Health & Emotional Wellbeing Kit — for the emotional-regulation and burnout side of years of masking — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-physical-health-emotional-wellbeing-kit/ Energy Accounting Guide — for the cost of surface acting, day after day — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ PAID RESOURCES ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ RELATED EPISODES Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ An RSD Story. Taking My Own Advice — S1 EP9, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/an-rsd-story-taking-my-own-advice-s1-ep9/ You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ Masking & ADHD — S1 EP11, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/masking-adhd-s1-ep11/ REFERENCES & FURTHER READING On 'surface acting' — the 1983 flight-attendant research: Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press. On Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): an evidence-based therapy built on acting in line with your values rather than waiting to feel the 'right' feeling first. The most widely used plain-language ACT resource in Australia is Dr Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap. 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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25. When You Say Too Much: ADHD, Oversharing and the Room Going Quiet

Have you ever answered a simple question with the whole real answer — and watched the room go a particular kind of quiet? Have you ever lain awake at 2am running back one thing you said in a group chat three years ago, certain everyone clocked it the way you did? Have you ever walked out of a room having already decided you were the too-much one before anyone said a word? There's a reason your brain gave the director's cut when everyone else gave three sentences. It's not the reason you've been telling yourself. CHAPTERS 00:16 — The plastic chair, the room going quiet, and knowing before you know why 00:46 — Six weeks postpartum, new town, no family, no one to talk to but her husband 01:11 — The things about babies nobody says out loud because they're 'obvious' 02:33 — Why she joined a mother's group, and the morning it all went sideways 03:27 — Twenty minutes late, sweaty, in her husband's vomit-swapped T-shirt 04:13 — Bows, baptism outfits and homemade plates: the prep she didn't know about 05:29 — Three questions. Name, baby's name, the birth. Easy. 06:07 — What recent trauma does when someone kindly asks you to tell it 08:00 — The Wi-Fi freeze: watching the room drop out in real time 09:00 — Morning tea, the decaf, and 'where the f*ck are we?' 10:01 — Kate's three sentences, and the instruction Jane never heard 11:30 — The most embarrassing moment, and the one heading she filed it under for years 12:44 — Going back into the room with the lens she has now 12:55 — The two filters: the words she heard vs the contract underneath them 14:00 — The freeze wasn't a verdict — it was sorting happening in front of her 14:49 — Why it was actually the most efficient thing she's ever done 15:10 — The next week: the biscuits, the permanent marker, the friend for life 16:43 — The pram that rolled past the window on its own 17:24 — Watching the room split again — who moves away, who leans in 18:11 — Told to be less your whole life — and why she won't join that group 19:14 — Being an adult: let people move towards you or away, but let them choose 20:11 — Telling everyone who you are up front, and the door it leaves open RESOURCES & REFERENCES Free Resources After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the 'oh, that's why I've always done that' realisation — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/ Paid Resources Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — the guide Jane names in this episode: how ADHD and autistic mums read social situations, how neurotypical people do, and how to bridge the gap — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/ ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — for the days the too-much shame has flattened you — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-reset-workbook-values-energy-planning-for-adhd-mums/ ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism — S3, with Amanda Moses — the 'said too much, read the room wrong' feeling — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/ Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & Emotional Intensity — Jane solo — the after-sting of 'too much' — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ The Untold Struggles of Motherhood (Part 1) — Jane solo — new-baby isolation, no support — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-45-the-untold-struggles-of-motherhood-part-1/ Is It ADHD or Motherhood? — Jane solo — the invisible rulebook nobody hands you — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-22-is-it-adhd-or-motherhood-solo-episode/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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24. The 3 Types of ADHD in Women (And Why So Many of Us Go Undiagnosed)

For thirty years, ADHD has had one wanted poster. Loud, can't sit still, disrupting the class, talking back — a boy. And you weren't him. So you walked past every checkpoint in your life — the GP, the teachers, the report cards, the parent-teacher nights — and nobody stopped you. Maybe someone said you were bright, you just needed to apply yourself. Maybe you got 'conscientious' on every report card. And conscientious doesn't go with ADHD, does it? Three different women can all have ADHD. All three can walk straight past that same poster on the wall, and not one of them gets stopped — because not one of them looks like the sketch. This episode is Jane putting three new posters up: the inattentive mum told to try harder, the 'too much' mum who apologises for her personality before she's said a word, and the 'fine' mum everyone leans on who's hanging off a cliff on the inside. See if you find your own face on the wall. Take the self-test: https://preview.mailerlite.io/forms/768431/173992641938064622/share Chapters 00:00 — The one wanted poster ADHD has had for thirty years 01:25 — Three women, one poster, and why none of them get stopped 02:17 — Who drew the poster — and why the quiet ones were never in the sketch 03:54 — One Monday morning, one clock, four different mothers 04:32 — The neurotypical mum, and where the difference actually shows up 05:54 — Profile 1: the inattentive mum, told her whole life to try harder 07:36 — The planner graveyard — six apps, four planners, three years of fresh starts 08:17 — Profile 2: the mum who's always been 'too much' 09:12 — Apologising for your personality before the conversation starts 09:39 — The drive home, and the tape that runs every single time 11:00 — Profile 3: the mum everyone says is 'fine' 11:50 — 'I don't know how you do it' — and why it doesn't land as a compliment 12:54 — Why she only rests when her body reaches up and stops her 13:35 — The real reason so many of us slipped through — it didn't cost anyone else 15:07 — If you've just been diagnosed: the relief, the grief, and what you can put down 15:56 — How we actually redraw the poster What We Cover The single wanted poster ADHD has been diagnosed against for thirty years — and why your face was never on it Why 'conscientious' on every report card was a signal everyone read backwards One ordinary Monday school run, four mothers, one clock — and the four completely different mornings happening behind the same front doors Profile 1, the inattentive mum: the permission slip she looked at on four separate nights, and why no planner, app or alarm has ever held The difference between a neurotypical mum forgetting the form and an ADHD mum forgetting it — it's not the forgetting, it's what happens next Profile 2, the 'too much' mum: the verbal hyperactivity nobody put on a poster, and the tape that runs on every drive home Why apologising for your own personality before you've started talking should be a diagnostic tick in its own right Profile 3, the mum everyone calls 'fine': the one who looks the most together and is the closest to the edge, and why 'I don't know how you do it' makes her feel more alone The uncomfortable answer to why so many of us went undiagnosed — not because our ADHD was lighter, but because it only ever cost us What there is to feel if you've been diagnosed late — the relief, the grief for what might have been — and the part of it you're allowed to put down How the poster actually gets redrawn, and the one small thing that starts it Free Resources Preparing for Diagnosis — for the 'oh, that's me' moment, and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/ After Your Diagnosis Kit — for the relief-and-grief part, if you've already been diagnosed — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mum-after-diagnosis-kit/ Paid Resources Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper 'get clear before you spend money on an assessment' version — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ Assessment & Diagnosis Bundle — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/bundle-adhd-diagnosis-assessment-guides/ Related Episodes Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — the deep dive on the 'too much' profile — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/ ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/ ADHD Mum: What You Need to Know After Your Diagnosis — S2 EP55, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-55-adhd-mum-what-you-need-to-know-after-your-diagnosis-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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23. ADHD and Marriage: We Separated for 18 Months. Then He Got Diagnosed. (with Emily Jade O'Keeffe)

In the Facebook group there's a pattern that comes up again and again: the mum grows. She gets the kids assessed, she starts to recognise herself, she does the reading and the therapy and the work — and the husband lags behind. He won't consider that he's neurodivergent, or the problem is always someone else. The kids. The school. Her. And underneath it all is the question so many women are actually asking: how do I get him to see it, and is it even worth staying? Emily Jade O'Keeffe's story runs the whole thing backwards. Her husband got diagnosed first — but only after they'd separated for 18 months, after the mudslinging and the lawyers, after she'd rebuilt herself from the floor up. This is the rare positive one: what happened when the diagnosis finally came, why she chose to help him when almost nobody would have, and the single question a marriage counsellor gave her that changed everything — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' CHAPTERS 00:00 — Meet Emily Jade O'Keeffe — 30 years in radio, and why she drove up from the Gold Coast 02:46 — The order most families discover it in — and why Emily's ran backwards 03:46 — 18 months apart: 'I was devastated, and he said can you just get over it' 06:07 — Rock bottom, and the call that started with 'you were right' 08:17 — 'I removed myself from the marriage and the problem was still there' 09:17 — The groceries, the tone, and the pressure that was never actually there 10:15 — PDA — a name for the thing Emily had been living without knowing 13:00 — The first six months: lawyers, mudslinging, and the awakening that stopped it 16:50 — 'I'll dance with my daughter's dad at her wedding' — the line that set the path 20:00 — 'I can't be the problem again' — why she wouldn't just take him back 23:30 — 'Is it arsehole or ADHD?' — the counsellor question that changed how they fight 26:00 — Woo back or woo up — how they actually communicate now 28:00 — The one thing she'd tell you to do first — and it isn't about him What We Cover The pattern Jane sees constantly in the group — the mum who grows while the partner stays certain the problem is everyone else — and how Emily's story ran the opposite way What 18 months of separation actually looked like: the lawyers, the grief, and the slow realisation that leaving didn't fix the thing that was wrong The moment her husband hit rock bottom and came back to the person he'd hurt most — and why she said yes How undiagnosed ADHD and autism had been quietly rewiring every conversation — the groceries, the 'I miss you,' the pressure that was only ever in his own head PDA — the framework Jane raises that gave a name to years of Emily's confusion (see the note below on the terminology) Why Emily refused to simply reunite — 'I can't be the problem again' — and what she required instead The Jennifer Garner line that reset her whole approach to co-parenting The marriage counsellor's question that changed how they argue — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' — and why a reason isn't the same as an excuse What Emily says actually has to happen before a resistant partner will change — and the honest, uncomfortable truth about waiting for rock bottom The one thing she'd tell any woman to do first, and it has nothing to do with him RELATED EPISODES: Struggling to Understand ADHD? Here's What Your Partner Needs You to Know — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-58-struggling-to-understand-adhd-heres-what-your-partner-needs-you-to-know/ Is PDA Real and What Can We Do About It? (with Michelle Garnett) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-30-could-it-be-pda-exploring-the-signs-and-why-its-different-from-odd/ Co-Parenting Amidst Diagnosis Disagreements (with Alana Manix) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-1-co-parenting-amidst-diagnosis-disagreements/ FREE RESOURCES Preparing for Diagnosis — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/ Emily Jade O’Keeffe is a much-loved Gold Coast media personality, and co-host of the number one breakfast show, Galey & Emily Jade, on 102.9 Hot Tomato. With more than 30 years in radio, television and media, Emily is also the co-creator and co-host of the Move Over Mama podcast alongside her teenage daughter, Millie. A wife and mother of two, Emily brings warmth, humour and honesty to all her audiences. Move Over Mama and Emily Jade's IG here 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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22. Mental Load: 'I'm Just Tired of Being the Only Adult.' When the Kids Start Paying For It.

The mental load starts as the thing you can laugh about — the admin, the medal for mowing the lawn. And then, somewhere underneath it, it stops being funny. It's the sentence that comes out of your mouth before you can stop it: 'would you mind having the kids on Saturday so I can get a haircut' — asking the other parent for their own children like you're lodging annual leave with HR. It's 'they were so good while you were gone,' and knowing 'good' meant nobody got fed. It's being so tired of being the only adult in the building that you stop being angry and just go quiet. This is Part 3, the last in the series, and it's the heavy one. It begins with a laugh and then it lets that laugh go. This one is for you, on your own, with your headphones in — and if you're right on the edge of exasperation today, Jane's honest recommendation is that you save this one for another day. Built entirely from what you wrote in. Support links are in the notes below. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The last one. It starts funny, then it doesn't. 00:44 — 'I shouldn't have to book my own kids in like it's annual leave' 01:37 — Watch where the school emails go — and the 11-day anaphylaxis email 03:37 — 'It was so easy while you were gone.' Was it though? 05:41 — The 7am text from Cassie, and what Jane wrote back without thinking 07:32 — 'I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just so tired of being the only adult.' 07:46 — The nine-year-old asked to regulate himself while the 39-year-old isn't 11:33 — The question underneath all of it: are these women still with them? 12:37 — 'Supportive of what?' — when the pat on the back keeps you carrying it 14:39 — The economy of gratitude — his effort is a gift, yours is the weather 15:03 — 'He's cheaper than hiring someone' — the accounting that holds women in place 16:58 — Why this lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the load that has no gender, and the one that does 20:52 — Why leaving isn't the easy answer, and the thing nobody says about single-mother poverty 22:38 — This series was never mine. It was yours. What We Cover The sentence so many women said comes out of their mouths and they don't know how they got there — asking the other parent to mind their own kids Where the pattern hides in plain sight — whose inbox the school actually emails, and the 11-day reply to an anaphylaxis email that says everything 'It was so easy while you were gone' — what 'good' actually meant, and where the bar for care got left The 7am text from a friend that Jane laughed at before she worried, and the moment it turned from a joke into something real The messages about children being asked to manage their emotions while a grown adult in the same house isn't — and what it costs the kid who gives up on a parent The question that started sitting under every message — are these women still with their partners, and if it's this hard, why do we stay? 'Supportive of what?' — the uncomfortable idea that the comfort itself might be the thing keeping you carrying all of it A sociologist's phrase you can't unhear — why his effort gets thanked and yours becomes the weather Why this exact load lands twice as hard on an ADHD mum — the part that has no gender, and the part that absolutely does The honest, un-tidy truth about why leaving isn't a clean answer — and the structural thing nobody wants to name 🆘 Support If anything in this episode landed close to home, you don't have to sit with it alone. 1800RESPECT — national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling — 1800 737 732, or 1800respect.org.au (24/7, free, confidential). Lifeline — 13 11 14, or lifeline.org.au (24/7 crisis support). If you're not sure whether what you're experiencing 'counts,' you can still call. They will talk it through with you. Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for the 'hand over a whole job, not a favour' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Related Episodes The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 — https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mental-load-do-we-have-parmesan-cheese-he-was-standing/id1686843092?i=1000777917338 The Gold Medal Husband: 'Did You See the Lawn?' — Part 2 https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mental-load-he-mowed-the-lawn-once-and-wanted-to-know-if-you-saw-it/ I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) — S2 EP84 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/ References & Further Reading Hochschild, A. R. (1989). The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home. Viking. (The 'economy of gratitude' Jane cites — whose effort reads as a gift to be thanked, and whose reads as the background running of the house.) Also relevant — the cognitive/mental load framework underpinning the whole series: Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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21. ADHD Assessment: What Actually Happens in a Psychiatrist's Appointment (with Dr Brendan Daugherty)

**This episode is general information only and is not medical advice. If any of it applies to you, please talk it through with your own GP or psychiatrist** Have you ever walked out of a psychiatrist's office more confused than when you walked in? Not sure what just happened, whether you got a diagnosis, what you were supposed to ask, or whether the thing you were terrified of — coming across like you were just there for the stimulants — is exactly what you did. For a lot of women getting an ADHD assessment at 40, the appointment itself is the black box. Nobody tells you the order to see a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist in, what happens if your school reports are gone and your parents have died, why they start you on one medication and not another, or what a drug holiday actually is. So this week Jane sat a psychiatrist down and asked him to open the box. Dr Brendan Daugherty walks through the whole thing — the pathway, the assessment, how they choose your first medication, and the one thing that makes these appointments go better. Bring the questions you've been too embarrassed to ask. CHAPTERS 00:00 — Walking out more confused than when you walked in 02:36 — GP, psychologist, psychiatrist — the actual order, and when to skip a step 04:38 — Have the waitlists really improved? A straight answer 05:44 — The two kinds of women who book an assessment — which one are you? 09:50 — 'ADHD is a bit like a shield' — and what's underneath when the medication lifts it 13:19 — 'I'm scared I'll look like I'm drug seeking' — the post Jane sees every week 15:26 — How a psychiatrist spots the woman who's masked her whole life and looks fine 16:56 — No school reports, parents gone — how do you even get diagnosed? (evidence before 12) 19:15 — The squat-rack phone call that diagnosed Jane's ADHD in real time 23:23 — How they actually choose your first medication — first-line vs second-line 25:28 — Long-acting or short-acting, and why it's not one-size-fits-all 26:18 — Drug holidays: why they're prescribed, and why the evidence is weaker than you think 29:34 — What's changing in psychiatry for women — hormones, the cycle, and menopause What We Cover Why so many women walk out of the appointment with no idea what just happened — and the questions nobody tells you to bring The actual order to see a GP, psychologist and psychiatrist in, when you can skip a step, and when doubling up is a waste of your money The two completely different reasons women book an assessment — and why knowing which one you are changes where you should book What Brendan means when he says attention problems aren't always ADHD — the medical and hormonal things a rushed assessment misses 'ADHD is a bit like a shield' — the conversation about what surfaces when the medication lifts it, and why Jane went back to short-acting The post Jane sees in the Facebook group every single week — 'I'm terrified I'll look like I'm drug seeking' — and exactly how a psychiatrist actually hears that How a psychiatrist recognises the woman who's held it all together on the outside and is burnt out underneath What happens when you don't have school reports and your parents have died — how the 'evidence before 12' rule actually works in practice How they choose which medication to start you on, first-line versus second-line, long-acting versus short — in plain English Drug holidays — why they get prescribed, why the evidence is weaker than it sounds, and what that means for your Saturday sport chaos What's genuinely changing for women in ADHD care — the hormonal picture, the menstrual cycle, and menopause Free Resources Preparing for Diagnosis — for the mum wondering if it's ADHD and what to do next — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/ Paid Resources Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — the deeper version of 'get clear before you spend the money on an assessment' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ Related Episodes How to Get a Diagnosis in Australia (Part 1) — S1 EP7, with Dr Jacinta Thomson — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/s1-ep7-how-to-get-a-diagnosis-in-australia-part-1/ ADHD Medication: Stimulants vs Non-Stimulants — S2 EP40, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-40-adhd-medication-stimulants-vs-non-stimulants-solo-episode-with-jane-mcfadden/ About the Guest Dr Brendan Daugherty is a child, adolescent, adult and forensic psychiatrist and a Fellow of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists. He's the co-founder of Pandion Health, an Australian telehealth platform providing specialist-led ADHD assessment and ongoing care for adults and children. You can find Brendan here: Website: https://www.pandionhealth.com.au Instagram: @itsdrbrendan (and the clinic, @pandionhealth) LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/brendandaugherty/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox References & Further Reading On dexamphetamine vs methylphenidate (Brendan's 'a little bit better' point, ~24:24): Cortese, S. et al. (2018). Comparative efficacy and tolerability of medications for ADHD in children, adolescents, and adults: a systematic review and network meta-analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 5(9), 727–738. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(18)30269-4 On stimulant 'drug holidays' and growth (~26:18): Drug holidays and the ~2cm growth question are genuinely contested in the literature. The most-cited long-term data is the MTA follow-up (Swanson et al., 2017, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry), which found a small average height reduction associated with consistent stimulant use. Brendan's framing — that it's 'a bit overblown' and the adult evidence for weekend breaks is weak — matches the current consensus. On combined medication + non-medication treatment (~23:23): The MTA Cooperative Group studies remain the reference point for Brendan's 'they work best in combination' statement.

• Transcript

20. Mental Load: He Mowed the Lawn Once and Wanted to Know If You Saw It.

The mental load is not the doing. Everyone thinks it's the doing. It's the buy now, pay later maths you run when your partner tells you to rest — the hour you lie down and spend the whole hour calculating what this hour is costing you tomorrow. It's being the default parent, the one whose invisible labour only gets noticed the second it stops. And then, into that, walks the one who did the single most visible job in the house and needs you to see it. He mowed the lawn. He unpacked the dishwasher. Once. And he's standing in the middle of the kitchen, glowing, waiting for the medal. CHAPTERS 00:00 — 'You rest, take a load off' — and why every woman's shoulders just went up 01:35 — Buy now, pay later: what an hour of rest actually costs you 02:39 — Dani, patron saint of this episode, and her four voice memos 03:19 — Kat's dishwasher, the border collie, and the dead bird at your feet 04:06 — 'Did you see the lawn?' The line that named the whole episode 06:37 — The barbecue vasectomy story (you'll want to sit down) 08:31 — The 3am texts, where it stops being funny — the wet bed, his one turn 09:42 — 'I'm stressed about the mess. What are you going to do about it?' 11:04 — The head lice question that broke everyone: 'or did you just decide that?' 12:15 — Why is it always her? Susan Walzer, 1996, and thinking vs doing 12:38 — He doesn't just do less. He's reading a different ledger. 13:33 — Why this isn't gaslighting — and why that makes it harder to fix 15:31 — What doesn't work: the chart, the PowerPoint, the tagging him in articles 15:50 — What actually works: handing over whole domains, not tasks 17:20 — How same-sex couples split it, and why they had to do it out loud 19:55 — 'You're a bit of a perfectionist' — what he actually means when he says it What We Cover Why 'you rest, I've got it' makes every woman's shoulders climb up around her ears — and the brutal maths hiding inside that hour of 'rest' The border collie, the dead bird, and the exact face a partner makes when he's unpacked the dishwasher once and needs you to notice The listener line that named this whole episode — and what she really wanted to say back The barbecue vasectomy story, which has to be heard to be believed, and what six women two metres away were actually doing while he told it The 3am texts, where the funny runs out — the wet bed and the one night it was his turn, and what he suggested instead of changing the sheets The head lice question that undid everyone — three little words that turned a job she'd been doing for three months into something she'd apparently invented Why it's her doing the tracking, the meds, the mattress — a piece of 1996 research, and a newer one that's sharper and more unsettling Why he isn't lying and isn't gaslighting when he says the house is fine — he's genuinely reading a different ledger, and that's the bit that's hard to fix The three things that don't work (you've tried all three), and the one thing that does — and it isn't a better chore chart What a man actually means when he calls you a perfectionist — this one's going on a tea towel Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — the closest thing to the 'hand over whole domains' conversation this episode is really about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resources Pre-Diagnosis Workbook — for the mum who's listening to this and starting to wonder about herself — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/prediagnosisworkbook/ ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes The Admin Husband: 'Do We Have Parmesan?' — Part 1 of this series — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/adhd-invisible-load/ What We Wish Our Partners Knew About the Mental Load — And How to Truly Support Us — S2 EP75 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-75-what-we-wish-our-partners-knew-about-the-mental-load-and-how-to-truly-support-us/ Making the Invisible Mental Load Visible: How to Share the Load Without the Stress (Part 3) — S2 EP73 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-73-making-the-invisible-mental-load-visible-how-to-share-the-load-without-the-stress-part-3/ The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/ References & Further Reading Walzer, S. (1996). Thinking About the Baby: Gender and Divisions of Infant Care. Social Problems, 43(2), 219–234. https://doi.org/10.2307/3096999 (The 1996 study Jane cites — women do the thinking, men do the doing.) Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 (The four stages: anticipate, identify, decide, monitor — decision-making is shared, everything else falls on women.) On same-sex couples splitting cognitive labour more evenly: Pinho, M. & Gaunt, R. (2023). The management of cognitive labour in same-gender couples. PLoS ONE. (Same-gender couples negotiate the division explicitly rather than defaulting.) On the newer 'different perceptions of the same household' research: Weeks, A. C. & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents' mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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19. Is Daycare Causing ADHD? Debunking the Diary of a CEO Episode. (with Amanda Moses)

Someone sent you the clip. Or your friend messaged about it. Or your mother-in-law forwarded it without comment and you sat there for a minute knowing exactly what she meant by that. The Diary of a CEO episode with Erica Komisar — the one saying ADHD isn't real, it's a stress response, and if your child has it the inconvenient truth is that you caused it. Two and a half hours long. Fifteen million subscribers. Ranked second on Spotify globally. So it doesn't stay in the episode — it gets clipped and reposted and lands in your DMs. This is the debunk. Senior psychologist and ADHD assessor Amanda Moses is back — the actual person who spends her days doing the assessments. Fourteen years in the field, Australia and the UK. Amanda pulls the clips apart word by word. The genetics. The 'malpractice' claim about medication. The 1950s theory this whole episode is quietly rebuilding under a new name. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The email from a listener that made me pick up the phone to Amanda 01:00 — What Erica Komisar is, and what she isn't 02:30 — Clip 1: 'ADHD isn't a disorder. It's a stress response.' 03:20 — Why the drop-the-D movement isn't about stress — and the heritability she's leaving out 06:03 — Clip 2: 'There is no genetic precursor to ADHD.' 07:30 — One minute there's no gene. The next minute there is. Which is it? 13:37 — Clip 3: 'The way we treat ADHD is malpractice.' 14:35 — Amanda on her own medication, and 'what do you mean people walk around like this for free?' 23:37 — Clip 4: 'When your child gets an ADHD diagnosis, the first thing you should do is see a therapist.' 25:17 — Refrigerator mother. 1950s. Same architecture. New diagnosis. 29:07 — Where Erica raised her children. And what she could afford to sacrifice. 33:17 — The economics that make her advice a fantasy for anyone under fifty 36:31 — Amanda's take-home: you did not cause this What We Cover The email from a listener that made Jane stop what she was doing and pick up the phone to Amanda What Erica Komisar is not — three qualifications she doesn't hold, one of which will surprise you The exact quote from clip one that Amanda says has nothing to do with the actual conversation the field is having The number Steven Bartlett read out to Erica that she then argued didn't exist The 1950s theory about mothers that was dismantled decades ago — and the sentence in this podcast that revives it word for word What Amanda said about her own medication that Jane says she wishes someone had said to her three years earlier The scaffolding Erica had that made her parenting choices possible — and why no woman under fifty has that same scaffolding now The one sentence Jane wanted on the record because she couldn't say it professionally — Amanda's response is why you love her Amanda's one take-home if your stomach dropped listening to that clip and you don't know where to go with the guilt Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for the load this episode is really talking about — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/ Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes ADHD or PTSD? Why So Many Women Are Misdiagnosed — S2 EP82, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-82-adhd-or-ptsd-why-so-many-women-are-misdiagnosed-with-amanda-moses/ Is It Social Anxiety — or Is It Autism? — S3 EP34, with Amanda Moses — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-34-is-it-social-anxiety-or-is-it-autism-with-amanda-moses/ References & Further Reading On ADHD heritability (the 74–80% figure): Faraone, S. V. & Larsson, H. (2019). Genetics of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Molecular Psychiatry, 24(4), 562–575. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41380-018-0070-0 On the polygenic architecture Amanda references (many genes, small individual effect): Demontis, D. et al. (2019). Discovery of the first genome-wide significant risk loci for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Nature Genetics, 51(1), 63–75. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41588-018-0269-7 On the 'refrigerator mother' theory Amanda names: The term originated with Leo Kanner in the 1940s and was popularised through the 1950s and 60s (most notably by Bruno Bettelheim). It was dismantled from the 1960s onward as autism's biological and genetic basis was established. About Amanda Moses Amanda Moses is a senior psychologist, board-approved supervisor, and ADHD and autism assessor with over 14 years of clinical experience across Australia and the UK. She specialises in complex assessments — the ones that don't fit neatly inside the box. Amanda offers clinical training and accessible resources for community members looking to understand autism and ADHD more holistically. Amanda's 'Understanding Neurodivergence Series' combine research, lived experience and practical reflection tools in a way that is clear and easy to follow. In 2026, the series was fully redesigned in collaboration with a professional designer and accessibility expert to improve visual accessibility and overall usability, while maintaining clinical depth. They are written for both therapists and neurodivergent people who want to better understand autistic and ADHD experiences. Each guide includes structured explanations and worksheets that can be used in therapy or independently. The focus is on supporting learning, self-understanding and strengths-based reflection in a way that is respectful and genuinely neurodiversity-affirming. Understanding Neurodivergence Series: https://www.amandamosespsychology.com.au/clinicalresources/?categories[]=understanding-neurodivergence-series#category-tiles Amanda's Instagram 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

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18. Mental Load: 'Do We Have Parmesan Cheese?' He Was Standing at the Fridge. I Was Interstate

The mental load is the thing you couldn't name for years — the invisible mental load that means one adult in the house knows when library day is and one adult keeps asking. The one who anticipates, identifies, decides, and monitors, and the one who stands next to the dishwasher and shouts through to the lounge room to ask if it's clean. You've known the pattern for years. You've done the therapy. You've read the book. You've made the 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner. And he still texts you from home, from within arm's reach of the fridge, to ask about the Parmesan. This week the ADHD Mums Facebook group broke open. So many messages, voice notes, and 4am DMs from women hiding in their own ensuites that Jane's had to split it into three episodes. This is Part 1 — the Admin Husband. Part 2 is the Gold Medal Husband next week. Part 3 is coming. CHAPTERS 00:00 — The Facebook post that broke the internet 00:27 — Lisa. 4am. From inside her own ensuite. Husband asleep in the next room. 01:23 — Please stop asking us what time school pickup is 02:03 — Renee: 'I made the calendar. I bought the calendar. I put it up. I synced it to your phone.' 03:32 — Do men use Siri? A serious question. 04:59 — The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner he walks past every single day 06:47 — He texts her the address of the program she set up, booked, paid for and drives to every week 09:26 — Parmesan. He's at the fridge. She's in Adelaide. 10:55 — The T-shirt drawer that hasn't moved in three years 12:20 — The 36-minute toilet holiday, and what he's actually doing in there 14:18 — Alison Daminger's four stages of the mental load — and which one he only turns up for 16:35 — Affordance perception: he isn't ignoring the crumbs. He genuinely can't see them. 19:16 — Same-sex couples don't do this. Which tells you something. 21:53 — 'Accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench.' 22:36 — 'Just ask me if you need help.' Why that sentence is worse than no help. What We Cover The Facebook post that unleashed more DMs and voice notes than anything else on the show — including one from a woman messaging at 4am from inside her own ensuite while her husband slept in the next room What Renee has done to try and stop her husband asking her what's on today for the seventh time before 9am — and why none of it worked The 1.2-metre colour-coded family planner one member has installed on her wall. Her husband walks past it every single day. He hasn't looked at it once. She's been tracking. Why he can find the remote. Why he can conduct a full detective investigation into a missing beer. And why the billboard is invisible. The Parmesan text. From another state. Not a rhetorical device — a real message. A sociologist who broke the mental load into four stages, and the one stage he actually turns up for Two philosophers on why your partner isn't lying when he says he doesn't see the bench. He's not seeing it the way you're seeing it — and this is the bit that stopped Jane in her tracks What the research on same-sex households is actually telling us — and it's not that men's brains are different The 36-minute toilet holiday. The medical event. What he's really doing in there. Why answering him when he shouts through from the kitchen is the exact thing that keeps you Siri The sentence a Facebook group member said out loud that Jane hasn't been able to stop thinking about since — 'I'm accidentally, lovingly raising the next man to look at a bench and just see a bench' Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — for moving off stage-three-only and onto shared stages one and two — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ The ADHD Mums Facebook Group — where this whole episode came from, and where Part 2 and 3 are being built right now — https://facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes (the mental load / invisible labour series) The Invisible Job: Being the One Who Holds Everything Together — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-job-being-the-one-who-holds-everything-together/ The Invisible Coordination Load: Why ADHD Mums Carry the Work Systems Won't — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-invisible-coordination-load-why-adhd-mums-carry-the-work-systems-wont/ The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ References & Further Reading Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007 Affordance perception — a framework from ecological philosophy (originating with James J. Gibson, developed further in gender and household-labour applications). This is a philosophical framework, not a clinical psychology finding. Cited as one lens that fits the pattern, not as a settled explanation. 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group 👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox

• Transcript

17. Good Girl Conditioning: Breaking the Pattern Before It Reaches Our Daughters — with Rachel Seiler

You know good girl conditioning because you've lived it. The self-editing. The 'whatever you want.' The 'I don't mind.' You spent your twenties in the wrong careers and your thirties in therapy, and you're still catching yourself doing it in your forties. And now you're watching your neurodivergent daughter start — the compliant one, the helpful one — and you don't know how to name it, let alone stop it. CHAPTERS 00:00 — What the good girl actually loses (and nobody in the room notices) 02:16 — Interoception: the missing piece for a whole generation of mums 03:52 — Why you picked the worst careers and environments for you 06:35 — The nervous system cost nobody counts — going to the toilet on a bell 09:50 — The moment you edited yourself out before anyone even noticed 10:47 — Rachel's grade one birthday party, and what her mum saw 12:32 — The mum rage that arrived when it was her daughter's turn 15:14 — The four scripts that work better than any book or worksheet 19:17 — What we're actually reinforcing when we praise 'easy' behaviour 19:52 — The girls who look calm in the front row and panic on the inside 22:00 — The pool. The water slide. The moment Jane couldn't watch it anymore 28:03 — 'I don't mind' — the one thing every mum needs to understand about it What We Cover The one thing every good girl loses first, and it's not confidence — it's the ability to feel what's happening inside her own body Why you picked the worst possible jobs, cities and relationships in your twenties, and never once asked yourself the question that would have saved you What Rachel's mum watched her do at her own sixth birthday party — and the template it set for the next thirty years The moment Rachel had to physically walk out of her own daughter's bedroom before she said something she couldn't take back Why the kids who need therapy aren't always the ones throwing chairs — sometimes they're the ones with their hand up in the front row The scene at the pool that Jane couldn't unsee, and what she did about it that nobody in the group was going to like What we're actually rewarding when we praise the easy child, and what it costs her by fourteen The four short scripts Rachel uses with her own kids that work better than any worksheet — and why role play beats reading a book every time 'I don't mind.' The one thing you need to understand about what's happening inside her when she says it Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — the mental load, and getting things off one shoulder — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Explaining ADHD to Kids Guide — for the identity work with your daughter — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/explaining-adhd-to-kids-parents-guide/ Guest Links Rachel Seiler — Play therapist and counsellor, All Kids Counselling (Queensland). Sessions available Australia-wide via Zoom. All Kids Counselling Related Episodes (start here if the good girl language is new to you) You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ The Hidden Cost of Being the Good Girl — How the Mental Load Became Ours — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ Stop People-Pleasing: The ADHD Mum's Guide to Boundaries, Balance, and Breaking Free — S2 EP50 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-50-stop-people-pleasing-the-adhd-mums-guide-to-boundaries-balance-and-breaking-free/ The Emotional Load of Raising Neurodivergent Girls and How to Lighten It — S3, with Katie Koullas — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-25-the-emotional-load-of-raising-neurodivergent-girls-and-how-to-lighten-it/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

• Transcript

16. Anxiety or ADHD? Understanding the Two Types of Racing Thoughts and what to do about them

It's 10:15 on a Sunday night. You've come out to the kitchen to rinse one pot. One. And now you're just standing there, not touching it — because the second you stopped moving, it started. The permission slip. The referral. Was it orange day. The group chat you didn't answer. The dog bowl. And underneath all of it, the thought that always turns up: what's wrong with you, everyone else can do this. So you do the breathing. Four in, hold four, four out. Name it. I'm feeling anxious. And nothing happens. What We Cover The Sunday-night sink — 40 thoughts arriving at once, none of them actually dangerous Why the breathing didn't work, and why that isn't a you-problem — even I've been paid to teach this and still couldn't breathe it down The two kinds of racing thoughts, and how to tell them apart in about four seconds The shelf — why yours is smaller, why it won't file, and why the dog bowl and the electricity bill are screaming at exactly the same volume What the friend who 'just handles everything' actually has that you don't The fire blanket problem — what happens when the whole wellness industry hands you one tool and tells you it works on everything The one question to ask instead: is something actually wrong, or is it everything at once? Why the too-much kind doesn't want calming — it wants emptying What you're really doing when you keep the TV on, scroll till your eyes shut, and say you 'just can't switch your brain off' Free Resources The Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resources ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/ Related Episodes QUICK RESET: No, I Can't Meditate. I'm Too Busy Disassociating. — S3 EP47 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-47-quick-reset-no-i-cant-meditate-im-too-busy-disassociating/ When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — What Your Body Is Doing and Why — S3 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ Anxiety & ADHD — S1 EP37, with Jessica Burgess — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-37-anxiety-and-adhd-with-jessica-burgess/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

15. Should Kids Be Made to Hug Relatives? Give Your Auntie a Kiss. He Said No With His Face.

Have you ever stood at the sink at nine o'clock at night, kids asleep, house finally quiet, and had a friend text you how are you going? — and found nothing there? Not sad. Not fine. Just nothing. You could have told her exactly how the kids were, what's on tomorrow, what your hubby's up to, what's happening with the school term. But you, the actual person underneath running all of it — you went looking for her and she wasn't in. There's a name for that. It's not the exhaustion everyone talks about. It's the other one. What We Cover What I found on my phone when I watched the video back — and why my first thought was who let me out like that Why standing at the edge of the handball court at seven and standing at the edge of the room at thirty-eight are the same thing wearing a different outfit The reason nobody taught you to mask, and nobody had to What it actually costs you — not the tiredness, the other thing, the one that has a researcher's name on it Why 'good girl' was the best deal you were ever offered, and the worst one What's actually happening the moment you say go on, give your auntie a hug — and why you say it even though you'd fight anyone who tried it on you The two things that decide what a mask really costs you — and why most neurotypical mums are paying almost nothing for theirs Why staying in burnout can feel safer than being looked after, and what that has to do with lunchtime at school Where I'm starting, given that taking it off for myself is still too hard Free Resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid Resources Meltdown & Shutdown Guide https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/ Related Episodes You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ What Is Underneath the Mask? Uncovering Who You Are After Diagnosis — S2 EP17, with Tanya Hicks — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-17-underneath-the-mask-uncovering-who-you-are-after-diagnosis/ References & Further Reading Cage, E. & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x Cage, E., Di Monaco, J. & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of Autism Acceptance and Mental Health in Autistic Adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473–484. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3342-7 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

14. Why Are You Always So Stressed Out? My Eight-Year-Old Asked Me That an Hour After I Called Myself Organised

You did the envelope early. You had the cash inside. You booked the babysitter. You had three adults on deck for one soccer game. And by the time you got to the car park, you were at 3% battery, panting, holding someone else's dog, and your son had his shirt over his head pretending to be a turtle. You'd done everything right. And it still looked like you hadn't done anything at all. What We Cover The pride that hits when you do something early — and what happens the second you let yourself relax because of it What your eight-year-old is actually asking when he says 'why are you always so stressed out' — and why the real answer isn't one you can give him in a car park The thing that runs quietly in the background for neurotypical brains that yours is doing by hand, every day, and why no one can see the cost Why 'me too, I lost my keys once' will never land the way they think it does — and what makes theirs a story and yours a Saturday What happens when two ADHD parents are both losing things in the same house on the same morning — and neither of them knows the other one has Why the woman who filled out the form a week early is the same woman who wrote the wrong email address — and which one people remember Free Resources Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid Resources Navigating School Pick-Up & Social Settings — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/surviving-school-pick-up/ Related Episodes S3: I'm Not Lazy — My House Just Doesn't Have a Memory — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory// S2: Executive Function Challenges in ADHD (with Claire Britton) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-31-executive-function-challenges-in-adhd-strategies-for-success-with-claire-britton/ S3: The Advanced ADHD + Neurodivergence Myths Busted — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-4-the-advanced-adhd-neurodivergence-myths-busted/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast

13. At Least Dad Did a Load of Washing... Her 9-Year-Old Said It Mid-Fight. That Was the Bar.

Have you ever made a deal with yourself at the end of a really bad week — that's it, I'm not doing it anymore, I'm only doing what he does — and then washed up three times by Tuesday without noticing? Have you ever bought him something mid-fight when you were supposed to be on strike? Have you ever lost it because your nine-year-old defended his dad by pointing out he did one load of washing, as if that was the bar? I couldn't stop thinking about a listener who did all three in one week. I texted a friend about her. I went for coffee and talked about her. I followed up to find out what happened. What she said next, I genuinely did not see coming. What we cover Have you ever declared you're done, you're not doing it anymore, and then found yourself doing it anyway — and genuinely not noticed until it was done The thing your body does mid-fight that looks like making up but isn't — and why it fires even when you're the one who's angry Why your hands win the war three times before lunch — and the one-second move that interrupts it Why the guilt fires when you stop, not when you're drowning — and what guilt is actually doing in your house What your daughter learns watching a 40-year trained adult put something down — no speech needed The slam tour — passive-aggressive cleaning, the self-cleaning oven moment, and what we're really hoping he'll see Why your body won't sleep even when everything is fine — and the scientific name for it The question to ask yourself the next time your hands move before your brain does: am I doing this because I want to, or am I scared of what'll happen if I don't Free resources Household Family Meeting Template — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid resources ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/ Related episodes EP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2 — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/ S4 EP1 — Who Am I If I Stop Being in Service — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/1-season-4-launch-who-am-i-if-i-stop-being-in-service-to-everyone-in-my-life/ S3 EP35 — You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/ S3 — Can't Sit Down Until Kitchen's Done — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/cant-sit-down-ktichen/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References: Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2007). A new look at habits and the habit–goal interface. Psychological Review, 114(4), 843–863.

12. MUM RAGE #4: 3 Reasons Your ADHD Medication Isn't Touching Mum Rage.

Have you ever been on medication, done all the things, prepped, pre-scheduled, and still lost the plot completely — and then spent the drive home wondering if the medication is even working? Have you ever gone back to your GP and said 'I'm still losing it' and walked out with a higher dose, a different script, or a referral — and none of it touched the actual problem? Have you ever thought maybe I'm just broken in a way that medication can't reach? You're not. But nobody told you there were two layers — and this episode is the one that explains why no dose adjustment has ever closed that gap. What we cover The layer that medication actually works on — and the layer it was never built to touch Why you can be on the right dose of the right stimulant and still slam the car door for forty-five minutes What happens in a 10-minute GP appointment when you say 'I'm still struggling' — and why the answer you keep getting might be solving the wrong problem Why chasing this gap with more medication can mean you end up on too much of the right thing because you're asking it to do the wrong job The question to sit with for a week before you go back to your specialist Who actually benefits from the story that medication is the whole answer — and who doesn't Quick note — I share my own experience here, not medical advice. For anything about your medication or dose, your GP or specialist is the right person to ask Free resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Paid resources ADHD Reset Workbook — Values, Energy & Planning — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-planner-and-values/ Related episodes This is Part 4 of the Mum Rage series. Start at Part 1. Mum Rage EP1 — 3 Reasons ADHD Mum Rage Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/3-reasons-adhd-mum-rage-feels-like-it-came-out-of-nowhere-it-didnt/ Mum Rage EP2 — Why the advice doesn't work — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-2/ Mum Rage EP3 — The delayed version (sunburn/interoception) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-3/ S2 EP84 — Mum Rage Part 1 (Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ S2 EP85 — Mum Rage Part 2: Real Tools for Real Rage — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-85-real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2real-tools-for-real-rage-mum-rage-part-2/ EP23 — ADHD Meds Won't Fix Everything — Now What? — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-23-adhd-meds-wont-fix-everything-now-what/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Rösler, M., Retz, W., Fischer, R., Ose, C., Alm, B., Deckert, J., Philipsen, A., Herpertz, S., & Ammer, R. (2010). Twenty-four-week treatment with extended release methylphenidate improves emotional symptoms in adult ADHD. World Journal of Biological Psychiatry, 11(5), 709–718. https://doi.org/10.3109/15622975.2010.482986 Moukhtarian, T. R., Cooper, R. E., Vassos, E., Moran, P., & Asherson, P. (2017). Effects of stimulants and atomoxetine on emotional lability in adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 44, 198–207. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2017.05.021 Garfinkel, S. N., Seth, A. K., Barrett, A. B., Suzuki, K., & Critchley, H. D. (2015). Knowing your own heart: Distinguishing interoceptive accuracy from interoceptive awareness. Biological Psychology, 104, 65–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2014.11.004

11. I Planned the Day Off to Finally Get Things Done. By 11am I'd Done Nothing and Hated Myself for It

Have you ever told yourself you'll finally do the thing when it's quiet — and then the quiet came and you reorganised a drawer? Have you ever promised yourself the school holidays would be different, stacked up everything you were going to get done, and then spent the first Monday back staring at the wall and doing everyone's admin except your own? Have you ever been the most productive you've been all year on the last week of term, and then wondered why that woman never shows up any other time? What we cover Why your brain flies at the end of term and falls off a cliff the second the kids go back — and what's actually happening underneath it The list in your phone called 'Monday' and the woman you've been promising people is coming — who has never once turned up Why avoidance on a quiet day isn't laziness — and what your brain is actually doing when it picks the wrong task on purpose What happens when high arousal creates a debt — and why the free day might be the worst time to do the hard thing Why 'I just need a quiet day with no interruptions' might be the trap you've been apologising for your whole life The one thing that actually works — and why it involves finding a human and making them mildly expect something from you Free resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Related episodes S3 — Sorry I'm Late, I Have ADHD. My Friend Has ADHD Too. She's Never Late — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/sorry-im-late-i-have-adhd-my-friend-has-adhd-too-shes-never-late/ EP93 — When You Remove the Stress — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-you-remove-the-stress-and-start-wondering-whats-wrong-with-you/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ EP24 — QUICK RESET: The ADHD Myth of 'Just Try Harder'https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-24-quick-reset-the-adhd-myth-of-just-try-harder/ EP49 — QUICK RESET: I'm Not Lazy — My House Doesn't Have a Memory https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-49-quick-reset-im-not-lazy-my-house-just-doesnt-have-a-memory/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65–94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65 Volkow, N. D., Wang, G.-J., Newcorn, J. H., Kollins, S. H., Wigal, T. L., Telang, F., Fowler, J. S., Goldstein, R. Z., Klein, N., Logan, J., Wong, C., & Swanson, J. M. (2011). Motivation deficit in ADHD is associated with dysfunction of the dopamine reward pathway. Molecular Psychiatry, 16(11), 1147–1154. https://doi.org/10.1038/mp.2010.97 Sonuga-Barke, E. J. S. (2003). The dual pathway model of AD/HD: An elaboration of neuro-developmental characteristics. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 27(7), 593–604. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2003.08.005

9. MUM RAGE #3: 3 Reasons Rage Hits Hours After the Thing That Set It Off.

It's 11:00 PM. You sit up in bed with your chest tight and your heart going. Nothing happened. You went to sleep fine. You lie there trying to work out what's wrong with you, and the answer is nothing — except your body has been running a two-hour delayed reaction to a school email you read, closed, and forgot about at 9:02 PM. What We Cover The 9:02 PM email, the 11:00 PM panic, and why the two never show up in the same room at the same time Why a neurotypical mum who gets the same email feels it right then — and what that looks like when Jane asks one about it directly The five stages your body moves through between the trigger and the moment you finally register it — and how long you can spend in each one without knowing Why the quiet moment you've been waiting for all day is exactly when the queue decides it's your turn The misdiagnosis cost: when a doctor treats the reaction as the whole story, what gets written on your medical file — and what keeps walking through the door every day unmanaged Why both can be true — the SSRI doing real work, and an interoceptive delay nobody's ever named for you Free Resources Energy Accounting Guide — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/ Related Episodes Start with the rest of this series: MUM RAGE #1: 3 Reasons It Feels Like It Came Out of Nowhere. (It Didn't.) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/3-reasons-adhd-mum-rage-feels-like-it-came-out-of-nowhere-it-didnt/ MUM RAGE #2: 3 Reasons 'Just Breathe' Has Never Worked for ADHD Mums. (And What Actually Does.) — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/mum-rage-2/ Also from the archive: S2 EP84 — I Love My Family But I'm So F*cking Angry: Mum Rage Part 1 (with Jacinta Thomson) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-84-i-love-my-family-but-im-so-fking-angry-mum-rage-part-1/ EP71 — When You Can't Relax Even When It's Quiet — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/why-adhd-mums-cant-relax/ EP93 — When You Remove the Stress — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/when-you-remove-the-stress-and-start-wondering-whats-wrong-with-you/ S3 — I'm Gentle With My Daughter for Ten Minutes. Then I Tell Myself to Stop Being Such a F*cking Embarrassment. — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/im-gentle-with-my-daughter-for-ten-minutes-then-i-tell-myself-to-stop-being-such-a-fcking-embarrassment/ EP81 — The Hidden Cost of Being the 'Good Girl' — https://adhdmums.com.au/adhd-podcast-episodes/the-hidden-cost-of-being-the-good-girl-how-the-mental-load-became-ours/ 📬 Listener Questions & Community 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References & Further Reading Seli, P., Risko, E. F., Smilek, D., & Schacter, D. L. (2016). Mind-wandering with and without intention. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 20(8), 605–617. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2016.05.010 Smallwood, J., & Schooler, J. W. (2015). The science of mind wandering: Empirically navigating the stream of consciousness. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 487–518. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010814-015331 Murphy, J., Brewer, R., Catmur, C., & Bird, G. (2017). Interoception and psychopathology: A developmental neuroscience perspective. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 23, 45–56. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dcn.2016.12.006 Taylor, G. J., Bagby, R. M., & Parker, J. D. A. (1997). Disorders of affect regulation: Alexithymia in medical and psychiatric illness. Cambridge University Press. https://doi.org/10.1017/CBO9780511526831

8. Just 'Find a Good Stopping Place on the Ipad' It's 5:45pm on a Wednesday. He's in a Minecraft Cave. The Dog Needs a Bone.

📬 Listener Questions & Community It's 5:45 PM. I'm cooking three separate dinners on not enough burners. My six-year-old is crying about the green spoon. My eight-year-old is in a Minecraft cave with a dog that needs a bone. My ten-year-old has found paint. 'Find a good stopping place' is good advice. It just assumes conditions that don't exist in this house. What We Cover The 5:45 PM scenario in full — three kids, three meals, three headphones, zero spare burners, and what it actually costs to transition one child off a screen while managing the rest Compliance depletion — why your child has run out of yeses by dinner time, and why that's not defiance or addiction Self-determination theory and autonomy — why the iPad might be the only thing your child got to choose all day, and what happens when you take it Why 'find a good stopping place' works on Saturday morning and collapses on Wednesday night — and what's actually different between those two moments The working memory piece — why your child isn't defying the boundary, they just can't hold it without you standing there Task-switching costs for the ADHD brain — what every transition actually costs you at the end of the day Why you're not managing the transitions. You are the transition. The Saturday morning benchmark — why one good morning doesn't set the standard, and why comparing Wednesday night to it is destroying you What the parenting advice doesn't account for: one adult, multiple kids, depleted executive function, and no support Free Resources Surviving the Mental Load of the School Year (Free) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-school-year-mental-load-kit/ Household Family Meeting Template (Free) 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/ Paid Resource Meltdown & Shutdown Guide for Mums & Children 👉 https://adhdmums.com.au/product/navigating-meltdowns-strategies-for-parents/ Related Episodes When a Neuroscientist Says iPads Cause ADHD — And You Wonder if You've Damaged Your Kids | Listen here S3 EP44 — Why Bad Behaviour Is Rarely Bad at All (and How to Respond Instead) | Listen here S3 EP12 — Quick Reset: I Can't Stop Snapping When My Child Does This One Thing | Listen here S2 EP84 — I Love My Family… But I'm So F**king Angry (Mum Rage Part 1) | Listen here S2 EP27 — Quick Tip: I Have an Antagonist in My House | Listen here 🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice) Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead. Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313 Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313 👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group For community, shared language, and conversations with other mums who get it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/adhdmumspodcast References Arnsten, A. F. T., & Li, B.-M. (2005). Neurobiology of executive functions: Catecholamine influences on prefrontal cortical functions. Biological Psychiatry, 57(11), 1377–1384. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2004.08.019 Arnsten, A. F. T. (2011). Catecholamine influences on dorsolateral prefrontal cortical networks. Biological Psychiatry, 69(12), e89–e99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2011.01.027 Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65–94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65 Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the active self a limited resource? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1252–1265. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1252 Hagger, M. S., Chatzisarantis, N. L. D., Alberts, H., Anggono, C. O., Batailler, C., Birt, A. R., Brand, R., Brandt, M. J., Brewer, G., Bruyneel, S., Calvillo, D. P., Campbell, W. K., Cannon, P. R., Carlucci, M., Carruth, N. P., Cheung, T., Crowell, A., De Ridder, D. T. D., Dewitte, S., . . . Zwienenberg, M. (2016). A multilab preregistered replication of the ego-depletion effect. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 11(4), 546–573. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691616652873 Herwig, U., Bräuer, K., Connemann, B., Spitzer, M., & Jakobs, O. (2018). Selective impairment of attentional set shifting in adults with ADHD. BMC Psychiatry, 18, Article 334. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-018-1912-5 Monsell, S. (2003). Task switching. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 7(3), 134–140. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1364-6613(03)00028-7 Rubinstein, J. S., Meyer, D. E., & Evans, J. E. (2001). Executive control of cognitive processes in task switching. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance, 27(4), 763–797. https://doi.org/10.1037/0096-1523.27.4.763 Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

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