June 5 · 4 minHello friends, welcome back to another episode of Sex Here and Now. As always, I am your host, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT certified sex therapist, and today we are getting into something that shows up way more than people like to admit, comparing yourself to your partner’s ex.
You know the feeling. You hear a story, you see an old photo, or your brain just decides to spiral out of nowhere. Suddenly you are asking yourself questions you never needed to ask. Were they hotter, better in bed, more exciting, more successful. Did they have something you don’t. That comparison spiral can feel automatic, and honestly, it is very human.
In this episode, I break down why that comparison pulls you out of your relationship and into a one sided competition that does not actually exist. When you are trying to “win” against an ex, you are no longer present with your partner. You are in your head, chasing a version of someone who is not even in the room anymore. That energy does not build intimacy. It builds anxiety, pressure, and disconnection.
We also talk about something that often gets missed. You are not comparing yourself to your partner’s ex, you are comparing yourself to a story about them. A highlight reel that your brain filled in with your own insecurities. You do not see the full relationship. You do not see what did not work, why it ended, or what your partner learned from it. You are competing with a distorted version of reality, and that will always leave you feeling like you are falling short.
From there, we shift into a different way of approaching this. Instead of asking if you are better than someone else, we focus on what actually matters, are you showing up as yourself in the relationship you are in. Your partner did not choose you because you outperformed their past. They chose you because of your energy, your personality, your body, your way of connecting. When you lose that trying to compete, you lose the very thing that made you desirable.
We also get into self worth, not the performative kind where you try to prove something, but a grounded belief that you are enough without needing to compare. And when insecurity does show up, because it will, we talk about how to handle it in a way that actually builds connection. Naming it, asking for reassurance, and having real conversations instead of silently competing.
This episode is your reminder that your partner’s past is not your competition. Your job is not to win. Your job is to be present, curious, and authentic in the relationship you are actually in. Because at the end of the day, you are the one they are choosing right now.
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