Sex, Here & Now

sexhereandnow

Sex, Here & Now is a podcast rooted in sex positivity, inclusivity, and honest conversations about the realities of sex and modern relationships. The goal is simple: to inform, to educate, and to clear up the misconceptions that continue to dominate our culture about intimacy and relationships. We live in a world that is still wildly sex negative, shaped by shame, purity culture, misinformation, and outdated scripts about what intimacy “should” look like. This podcast exists to challenge that. I want to create a space where we can talk openly about desire, communication, consent, kink, monogamy, non-monogamy, pleasure, dysfunction, body image, and everything in between without judgment. By highlighting diverse voices, challenging myths, and nurturing open dialogue, my hope is to show that sex does not have to be scary and we can, in fact, have a more sex positive culture.

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#67
Thursday · 9 min
I Hate Receiving Oral Sex!
Do you hate receiving oral sex? Maybe you feel self-conscious, struggle to stay present, feel pressure to orgasm, or simply cannot understand why everyone else seems to think it is so amazing. You are definitely not alone. In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt explores some of the reasons people struggle to enjoy receiving oral sex, including anxiety, body image, performance pressure, sexual shame, past experiences, and simply not receiving the type of stimulation their body enjoys. More importantly, we look at the difference between “I don't like oral sex” and “I want to enjoy oral sex, but something keeps getting in the way.” We also talk about practical ways to explore receiving oral sex without making orgasm the goal, including communicating what actually feels good, practicing mindfulness, reducing performance pressure, and challenging some of the negative messages many of us have learned about our bodies and genitals. And remember, you are also allowed to simply not like it. Healthy sexuality is not about checking every sexual activity off a list. It is about discovering what feels authentic, consensual, pleasurable, and right for you. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#66
September 17 · 13 min
The Power of Responsive Desire
Responsive desire might completely change the way you understand your sexuality. If you rarely feel “in the mood,” do not initiate sex often, or have wondered whether your lower desire means something is wrong, this episode is for you. In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt breaks down the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire and challenges the idea that we should already be horny before intimacy begins. He explores why desire often develops through touch, connection, pleasure, and context, especially in long-term relationships. We also dive into the Dual Control Model, sexual accelerators and brakes, and why reducing stress and pressure may be more helpful than simply trying harder to “increase your sex drive.” Oh, and while we are at it, you officially have permission to stop calling it a sex drive. Responsive desire is not broken desire. For many of us, desire is less like a lightning bolt and more like a campfire. Sometimes we just need to create the right conditions for it to grow. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#65
September 10 · 5 min
The 20-Minute No Genitals Challenge
What if one of the best ways to improve your sex life was to stop focusing so much on genitals? In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, introduces one of his favorite exercises for couples: The 20-Minute No Genitals Challenge. The rules are simple. Set a timer for twenty minutes. No touching genitals. No touching breasts. No intercourse. Instead, you and your partner explore everything else. Matt breaks down why so many of us fall into predictable sexual routines where kissing quickly leads to genital touch and orgasm becomes the ultimate goal. While there is nothing wrong with that kind of sex, constantly following the same sexual script can cause us to overlook just how much pleasure the rest of the body has to offer. This challenge is about slowing down, building anticipation, communicating about pleasure, and rediscovering erotic curiosity. You might be surprised by what happens when you take orgasm off the table and give yourselves permission to simply explore. Set the timer. Put the phones away. Stay curious. And for twenty minutes, keep your hands away from the obvious places. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#64
September 3 · 10 min
Matt’s Musings: Stop Fearing Being Single
Being single is not a character flaw, a failure, or some sad waiting room you sit in until your “real life” finally begins. In this Matt’s Musing, I am diving into the enormous amount of pressure we put on people to find a relationship, settle down, and follow a timeline that was largely handed to us by family, religion, movies, social media, and now an endless supply of influencers promising that “your person is coming.” Listen, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. Wanting companionship, intimacy, affection, sex, and someone to build a life with is incredibly human. But wanting a relationship is very different from believing you need one to prove that you are worthy, attractive, successful, or lovable. In this episode, I talk about why loneliness can sometimes push us toward people who are available rather than compatible, why relationships should not automatically be treated as achievements, and why being partnered does not protect anyone from loneliness, disconnection, bad sex, or unhappiness. I also challenge the passive idea that you should simply wait for the universe to drop the right person into your life. If you want a relationship, go pursue connection. Date. Flirt. Join things. Meet people. Risk rejection. Work on your communication. Figure out your boundaries. Explore who you are sexually without a partner. Most importantly, build a life you actually enjoy living while you do it. Because being single is a circumstance. It is not an identity, and it certainly does not determine your worth. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#63
August 25 · 6 min
Gonorrhea and Syphilis Hit Record Levels in Europe. Here's Why!
Gonorrhea and Syphilis Hit Record Levels in Europe. Here's Why! The headlines make it sound like people are having too much sex. The research tells a very different story. In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, breaks down the recent BBC article on record-high rates of gonorrhea and syphilis across Europe and explains why these rising numbers have far more to do with public health than they do with morality. Matt explores how reduced access to STI testing, treatment, comprehensive sex education, and sexual health services contributes to higher infection rates, and why decades of research continue to show that shame and abstinence-only messaging don't stop people from having sex. They simply make people less likely to seek healthcare. This episode is a reminder that healthy societies don't reduce STI rates by making people afraid of sex. They reduce them by making healthcare accessible, normalizing routine testing, and giving people the tools they need to make informed decisions. If you've ever seen a scary STI headline and wondered what it actually means, this episode is for you. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#62
August 18 · 6 min
Matt's Musings: Masturbation Is Healthy. Period.
What if one of the healthiest things you could do for your sexual well-being is also one of the things you've been taught to fear? In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, takes on one of the biggest myths surrounding sexuality: that masturbation is somehow shameful, dirty, or unhealthy. Matt breaks down the research behind masturbation, including its effects on stress, sleep, pleasure, and sexual satisfaction, while debunking common myths about erectile dysfunction, infertility, blindness, hair loss, and more. He also explores why so many people carry guilt around self-pleasure and how messages from family, religion, culture, and society can shape our relationship with our own bodies. Whether masturbation has always felt normal to you or you've struggled with shame around it, this episode invites you to become curious rather than judgmental. Matt also offers a simple challenge to help listeners deepen their connection with their own bodies by approaching masturbation with mindfulness instead of making orgasm the only goal. This conversation isn't about convincing anyone that they have to masturbate. It's about recognizing that for most people, masturbation is a healthy, safe, and normal part of human sexuality, and asking whether the beliefs we've inherited are actually serving us today. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#61
August 11 · 8 min
I Know You Are a Kinky S.O.B.
Are you kinkier than you think? In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, Matt Lachman dives into one of the biggest misconceptions about human sexuality: that kink is rare, extreme, or only for "certain kinds of people." The truth is, many of us engage in or fantasize about forms of kink without ever calling them that. From dirty talk and blindfolds to power dynamics, role-play, sensation play, and BDSM, Matt explores why kink is far more common than most people realize. He also breaks down what the research actually says about kink, BDSM, consent, communication, and psychological well-being. Most importantly, this episode is about permission. Permission to question shame, explore curiosity, and build a sex life based on what genuinely brings you pleasure instead of what society told you was "normal." Whether you're simply curious or already waving your kinky flag, this episode is an invitation to embrace your sexuality with intention, communication, and consent. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#60
August 4 · 5 min
Matt's Musings: Your Sexuality is a Garden
What if your sexuality was a garden? In this week's Matt's Musing, I revisit one of my favorite metaphors from Emily Nagoski to explore how our beliefs about sex are planted long before we ever have a say. Family, religion, culture, media, and past relationships all leave their mark. Some of those messages help us grow, while others become weeds that create shame, pressure, and disconnection. In this short episode, I talk about why we don't have to keep every belief we inherited, how to identify the "weeds" that no longer serve us, and what it looks like to intentionally cultivate a healthier, more authentic relationship with sexuality. At the end, I leave you with one simple question that might change the way you think about your own sexual story. If you've ever struggled with shame, performance pressure, or feeling like your sexuality should look different than it does, this episode is for you. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#59
July 28 · 9 min
Let's Talk Lube
Whether you're brand new to lubricant or you've been using it for years, there's a good chance you've been taught some myths about what it means. In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I break down why lubricant isn't a sign that something is "wrong." In fact, it's one of the simplest ways to make sex more comfortable, pleasurable, and enjoyable. We'll explore the differences between water based, silicone based, oil based, and hybrid lubricants, discuss the pros and cons of each, and talk about how to choose the best option for your body and the kind of sex you're having. I also cover specialty lubricants, common ingredient concerns, and why there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to finding your favorite lube. Thank you to Uberlube for sponsoring today's episode. Check out the link in the show notes to learn more and support the podcast. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#58
July 21 · 7 min
I Am Married!
After taking a week off, I'm back with some personal news that I've been excited to share... I'm married! In this special episode of Sex, Here & Now, I reflect on one of the biggest milestones of my life while challenging a common belief about relationships. Does marriage fundamentally change a relationship, or does it simply celebrate the one you've already built? Drawing from both my own relationship and my work as a sex therapist, I explore why commitment is something we practice rather than something we achieve. We talk about the difference between the symbols of commitment and commitment itself, why healthy relationships aren't defined by marriage, and why trust, vulnerability, communication, and repair matter far more than any legal document ever could. Whether you're married, dating, single, divorced, or in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship, this episode is a reminder that the healthiest relationships are built one ordinary day at a time. Thank you for being part of this journey with me, and thank you for celebrating this new chapter alongside us. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#57
July 7 · 6 min
What is Your Sexual Style?
Who are you when you have sex? Most people spend a lot of time thinking about what they do sexually, but very few stop to consider how they show up. In this episode of Sex Here and Now, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, explores the idea of your sexual style: the roles, patterns, and energies you naturally bring into intimacy. Are you a giver or a receiver? Do you tend to lead or follow? Are you a caretaker, performer, people pleaser, explorer, or protector? Matt discusses how these sexual scripts develop over time, why they often become rigid, and how greater flexibility can lead to more satisfying, authentic sexual experiences. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, exploring your sexuality, or simply curious about yourself, this episode will help you reflect on the unconscious patterns shaping your intimate life and invite you to try something new. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might discover something new about themselves. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#56
June 30 · 9 min
The Power of Flirting
When was the last time you flirted with your partner? Not asked about groceries. Not discussed schedules. Not coordinated who is picking up the kids. Actually flirted. In this episode of Sex, Here & Now, I explore why flirting is one of the first things to disappear in long-term relationships and one of the most important things to bring back. Flirting is not just about seduction. It is about playfulness, curiosity, desire, and reminding each other that you are more than roommates managing a household. We will talk about why flirting feels effortless in the beginning of relationships, why it often fades over time, and how bringing it back can strengthen intimacy, connection, and sexual desire. Whether your flirting style is playful teasing, compliments, physical touch, inside jokes, or suggestive texts throughout the day, there is no one right way to do it. If your relationship has been feeling a little too practical and not nearly playful enough, this episode is for you. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#55
June 23 · 6 min
Matt's Musings: Stop Caring About What Others Do In Their Bedrooms!
Why do people spend so much time worrying about everyone else's sex life? In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I explore something that has been on my mind lately: the tendency people have to judge other people's consensual sexual choices while avoiding deeper questions about their own relationship with sex. Whether the topic is kink, polyamory, queer relationships, casual sex, body confidence, or simply people expressing themselves authentically, judgment often shows up faster than curiosity. Together, we unpack where that judgment comes from. Is it really about the behavior itself? Or is it more about fear, shame, insecurity, confusion, or unresolved beliefs that get activated when we see someone living differently than we do? Often, what we criticize in others has far more to do with our own discomfort than their actual choices. We discuss the concept of "don't yuck someone else's yum" and why consensual sexual experiences between adults are rarely the problem people think they are. We also explore how religion, family systems, social media, culture, and sex negative messaging shape our reactions to sexuality and influence what we perceive as acceptable, normal, or threatening. In this episode, we discuss: • Why people judge other people's sex lives • Fear, shame, and sexual discomfort • Projection and sexual criticism • Kink, polyamory, and queer relationships • The impact of sex negative messaging • Curiosity versus judgment • Exploring your own relationship with sexuality • The role of self-awareness in sexual growth • Why consensual sexuality often triggers strong reactions • The difference between "that's not for me" and "that's wrong" One of the most important takeaways from this conversation is that curiosity often creates more growth than criticism. The next time you find yourself judging someone else's sexuality, it may be worth asking what that reaction is trying to tell you about your own experiences, beliefs, fears, or desires. If this episode resonates with you, consider following the podcast, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may benefit from the conversation. Your support helps spread more sex positive, shame reducing, and research informed conversations into the world. As always, stay curious. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#54
June 16 · 6 min
Your Parents Love Story (or lack there of) is Not Yours To Carry
Have you ever stopped to wonder how much of your relationship was shaped by the relationships you witnessed growing up? In this episode of Sex Here and Now, we are talking about parents, caregivers, family dynamics, and the relationship scripts many of us unknowingly carry into adulthood. Whether your parents had a seemingly perfect love story, a marriage filled with conflict, or something in between, chances are they influenced how you think about intimacy, communication, affection, conflict, trust, and commitment. I share a little bit about my own parents' relationship, including their surprisingly Hallmark-worthy origin story, and discuss one of the most important realizations many adults eventually face: our parents' relationships belong to them. Their strengths, struggles, communication patterns, emotional blind spots, and beliefs about love are not automatically meant to become our own. Together, we explore how family systems shape our nervous systems, why some people spend their lives recreating the relationships they witnessed growing up, and why others spend years trying to escape them. We also discuss how social media often romanticizes long-term relationships while ignoring a much more important question: were those relationships actually healthy? In this episode, we discuss: • Relationship blueprints learned in childhood • Family systems and attachment patterns • Emotional safety and nervous system responses • Why intimacy can feel difficult as adults • Repeating versus rejecting family relationship patterns • The difference between longevity and relationship quality • Social media and romanticized love stories • Building relationships that align with your values • Healing inherited relationship scripts • Creating healthier forms of intimacy and connection One of the most freeing parts of adulthood is realizing that awareness creates choice. You do not have to recreate your parents' relationship, and you do not have to spend your life running from it either. You get to decide what kind of relationship reflects who you are today. If this episode resonates with you, consider following the podcast, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may benefit from the conversation. Your support helps spread more sex positive, relationship focused, and shame reducing conversations into the world. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#53
June 9 · 6 min
Nothing in Sex is Natural or Organic
We hear it all of the time: "I just want sex to feel natural." It sounds nice in theory, but what if that expectation is actually making sex harder? In this episode of Sex Here and Now, I unpack one of my least favorite phrases in sex and relationship conversations: the idea that sex should be natural or organic. While our sexual orientation and gender identity may be innate, most of what we believe about sex is learned. The way we flirt, communicate, initiate, think about desire, define romance, experience shame, and navigate intimacy has been shaped by culture, family systems, religion, media, peers, and past experiences. Together, we explore why so many people get stuck chasing an unrealistic version of sex that is supposed to happen effortlessly. We discuss how communication, practice, planning, curiosity, and even awkward conversations are not signs that something is wrong. They are often signs of a healthy and evolving sexual relationship. I also dive into the unrealistic expectation that partners should naturally know what we want sexually, why that belief creates unnecessary frustration, and how intentional conversations can strengthen intimacy rather than diminish it. In this episode, we discuss: • Why "natural sex" may be a misleading goal • How sexual beliefs are learned over time • The myth of mind-reading in relationships • Why communication is essential for good sex • Sexual scripts and cultural conditioning • Curiosity versus perfection in intimacy • How desire changes throughout life • Letting go of shame-based messages about sex • Building healthier and more intentional sexual relationships A special thank you to Uberlube for sponsoring today's episode. If you are looking for a high quality lubricant that can help make intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable, check out the link in the show notes and receive a free gift with purchase. If this episode resonated with you, consider subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with someone who may need to hear it. Every listen helps spread more sex positive, shame reducing, and research informed conversations into the world. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#51
June 5 · 4 min
Matt's Musings: Stop Competing Against Your Partner's Exes!
Hello friends, welcome back to another episode of Sex Here and Now. As always, I am your host, Matt Lachman, licensed clinical therapist and AASECT certified sex therapist, and today we are getting into something that shows up way more than people like to admit, comparing yourself to your partner’s ex. You know the feeling. You hear a story, you see an old photo, or your brain just decides to spiral out of nowhere. Suddenly you are asking yourself questions you never needed to ask. Were they hotter, better in bed, more exciting, more successful. Did they have something you don’t. That comparison spiral can feel automatic, and honestly, it is very human. In this episode, I break down why that comparison pulls you out of your relationship and into a one sided competition that does not actually exist. When you are trying to “win” against an ex, you are no longer present with your partner. You are in your head, chasing a version of someone who is not even in the room anymore. That energy does not build intimacy. It builds anxiety, pressure, and disconnection. We also talk about something that often gets missed. You are not comparing yourself to your partner’s ex, you are comparing yourself to a story about them. A highlight reel that your brain filled in with your own insecurities. You do not see the full relationship. You do not see what did not work, why it ended, or what your partner learned from it. You are competing with a distorted version of reality, and that will always leave you feeling like you are falling short. From there, we shift into a different way of approaching this. Instead of asking if you are better than someone else, we focus on what actually matters, are you showing up as yourself in the relationship you are in. Your partner did not choose you because you outperformed their past. They chose you because of your energy, your personality, your body, your way of connecting. When you lose that trying to compete, you lose the very thing that made you desirable. We also get into self worth, not the performative kind where you try to prove something, but a grounded belief that you are enough without needing to compare. And when insecurity does show up, because it will, we talk about how to handle it in a way that actually builds connection. Naming it, asking for reassurance, and having real conversations instead of silently competing. This episode is your reminder that your partner’s past is not your competition. Your job is not to win. Your job is to be present, curious, and authentic in the relationship you are actually in. Because at the end of the day, you are the one they are choosing right now. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#52
June 2 · 7 min
Why You Aren't Getting What You Want In The Bedroom
Today we are talking about something that sounds simple but can feel incredibly vulnerable in real life, asking for what you want in the bedroom If you have ever struggled to say what you want sexually, you are not alone. Most people were never taught how to communicate about sex in a clear, direct, and shame free way. Instead, we are taught to avoid it, joke about it, or hope our partner just figures it out. When that does not happen, frustration builds, disconnection grows, and people start questioning themselves or their relationship. In this episode, I break down why asking for what you want feels so hard, from fear of rejection to the belief that good sex should just “happen” without communication. We talk about how that myth keeps people stuck and why real intimacy is built through curiosity, honesty, and collaboration. We also get into the practical side of this. How to start the conversation without it feeling overwhelming, why timing matters, how to express your needs without triggering defensiveness, and what it looks like to stay open to your partner’s response. This is not about delivering a perfect script, it is about creating a space where both people feel safe being honest. We also touch on something that does not get talked about enough, sometimes things feel awkward when you start communicating differently. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means you are growing and building something more intentional. This episode is your reminder that your pleasure matters. You are allowed to have wants, desires, and a voice in your sexual experiences. Your partner cannot meet needs they do not know exist, and when you start speaking up, even in small ways, you create the possibility for deeper connection and better sex. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#48
May 26 · 7 min
Put Away Your Penis & Strap-On!
Today’s episode is for my vulva owners, and honestly, for anyone who wants to rethink how we approach pleasure. We are stepping away from penetration and shifting the focus to something that often gets overlooked, fingers and tongues. Not because penetration is bad or off limits, but because so much of our cultural understanding of sex has been built around it being the “main event.” In this episode, we break that idea down. We talk about why penetration is not the primary pathway to orgasm for many vulva owners, what the research actually says about clitoral stimulation, and how slowing things down can completely change your sexual experience. This is about moving away from performance and into curiosity, connection, and sensation. We also get into how shame, expectations, and relationship dynamics shape how we define “good sex,” and why expanding your definition can lead to more pleasure and intimacy. And yes, there is some practical homework in here too. If you are looking to feel more connected to your body or your partner, this episode will give you a different lens to explore from. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#50
May 22 · 5 min
Matt's Musings: Please, Let Them Reject You!
This episode is for anyone who has ever felt the sting of rejection and wondered what it says about them. I get real about my own experiences, from the subtle brush offs to the more obvious hits, and how those moments can stick with us longer than we would like. Here is the shift I want you to take with you. Rejection is not a verdict on your worth, it is information. It is clarity. It shows you where you do not fit so you can stop trying to force yourself into spaces that were never meant for you. We talk about the trap of chasing validation, the fantasy that if someone just gets to know you they will change their mind, and why that mindset keeps you stuck. Then we move into something more grounded. Confidence that comes from within. The belief that you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. This is about letting people opt out, so the right people can opt in. It may still sting, that part is human, but it does not get to define you. Resources If you’re looking for a high-quality lubricant that actually enhances the experience instead of distracting from it, I’ve got you covered. 👉 Click here to try Überlube When you use that link, you’ll receive a Free Überlube Sachet added to your order (U.S. only). Using the link also helps support the podcast, so it’s a win-win. Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!
#35
May 19 · 35 min
Expert on Expert: Victoria Byler Helping Men Relearn Masculinity
I sat down with Victoria Byler, LPCC, owner of Revive Counseling, for a conversation that feels especially important right now. We dive into men, masculinity, and what it actually means to show up emotionally in a world that often teaches men to shut parts of themselves down. We talk about how shame shapes male identity, why vulnerability can feel so threatening, and what therapy looks like when men are finally given permission to feel instead of perform. This episode explores the pressures men face, the misconceptions around masculinity, and how emotional connection is not a weakness but growth. Whether you are a man trying to understand yourself better, someone who loves a man, or a clinician wanting deeper insight into working with male clients, this conversation opens the door to curiosity, compassion, and honest reflection. You can find Victoria on Instagram @revive_with_v Are you a healthcare professional or mental health therapist and looking for sex therapy continuing education? Get 10% of your first course here by using code podcast10 A list of sex education, sex therapy, and relationship resources here Sign up for my online class here You can now watch the full video podcast on YouTube! Let's get social: Website / Instagram / YouTube Please make sure to subscribe and rate my podcast!

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