Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had!

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Yesterday · 52 min
E278: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan
Your conversations have turned into a running list of who's handling what, and your quality time is two people on one couch looking at two different screens. 44% of the couples we polled said they're in a rut right now too. So we built you a four-week plan, five minutes a day, plus the exact words to use if you're the one who has to bring it up. In this episode, you'll hear: The difference between a rut and a red flag The exact words to use when you're the one raising this, and how to keep it from landing like a complaint Why "we're just busy" is the most common reason couples end up here, and the part nobody questions The five-minute daily habit that starts week one, and why your brain needs the reps The weekend activity that only counts if it has zero practical value The hug-and-kiss math that resets both your nervous systems in under a minute Why week four is the one couples skip, and why skipping it is how you end up right back here A rut doesn't mean you picked the wrong person or that something's broken between you. It means life got loud, so press play with your partner and let this be the thing that starts the conversation. LINKS & RESOURCES 📝4-Week Relationship Reset PDF: your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 278:How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan - https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset 👋The Art of Initiation: your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation ✅Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide: a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide Want the month after this one handled too? The Spark is our $9 a month membership for couples whose lives are full and whose relationship keeps sliding to the bottom of the list. Every month we deliver a fresh drop of ideas straight to you. The planning is done for you. The ideas show up, and the two of you pick whatever sounds fun. Small sparks, on a schedule. Enough momentum to keep you out of the rut you just climbed out of. Nine dollars a month. Less than a fancy coffee. Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
September 10 · 52 min
E277: How to Take Your Orgasm to the Next Level with the Four Orgasm Amplifiers
Every once in a while an orgasm hits you like a freight train, and you lie there afterward wondering what on earth that was and why you can't do it again. What if that wasn't luck? In this episode, you'll hear: Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets The four things about your orgasm you can actually change What your body does automatically the second an orgasm starts that's probably cutting it short Why the window for a second orgasm stays open longer than you think, and the one moment that closes it The truth about G-spot, cervical, and nipple orgasms, and why none of them outrank the clitoris What Vanessa found after twenty years of thinking she already knew everything about her own body What if your orgasm was only the beginning? Advanced Orgasm is our course for the woman who already orgasms reliably, on her own and with a partner, and is curious what else her body can do. It doesn't teach you how to orgasm. It teaches you how to shape what happens when you do. The four Amplifiers we walk through in this episode. Intensity, Duration, Frequency, and Pathway. Four levers you can pull, with the step-by-step for each one. You get to decide what kind of orgasm you have. Slow and drawn out tonight, enormous on Friday, two of them if that's the mood. A 30-day actually-try-it guarantee. Give it a fair shot, and if you haven't learned something that expands how you explore your own pleasure, we'll refund you. Lifetime access, including every upgrade we ever make to it. Check out Advanced Orgasm here: https://vmtherapy.com/advanced Not sure if it’s for you? If your orgasm only shows up under very particular conditions, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner, that's not a flaw. You're just at a different starting line. Start with Finishing School: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
September 3 · 49 min
E276: How Do You Turn Your Partner On? (When You've Been Together For Years)
At the start of a relationship, turning your partner on felt like it took basically no effort. So what do you do a decade in, when you've watched each other fart and floss, and nothing seems to happen on its own anymore? In this episode, you'll hear: Why nothing sexy happens spontaneously after about six months, and what has to replace it The thing you have to clear out of the way before you can build desire at all Which of the four desire types you and your partner each are, and why it changes how you initiate How to flirt with someone you've been with for years without feeling ridiculous The compliment swap that makes it actually land, and what to say instead of "you're hot" Why initiating in the moment is already too late, and when to start instead What our community said gets them in the mood, from grey sweatpants to a longer than usual kiss in the kitchen Mentioned in this episode: Discover your initiation style here: https://vmtherapy.com/style Listen to Episode 251: What's Your Desire Type?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode251 Want to make sure the sex is worth craving? It's time to give and receive "I didn't know it could be that good" pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason. Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs. Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Think you've tried every position? Think again. Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies. 47 fully illustrated positions with step-by-step guidance for getting into, out of, and moving in each one. 17 pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything. Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
August 27 · 50 min
E275: Reasonable or Ridiculous? Sex Quotas, Oral Every Time, and Dirty Talk Dealbreakers
It's time for another round of Reasonable or Ridiculous, where we take real life couple disagreements our community members just can't settle and play referee. In this episode, you'll hear: Can you ask your partner to start initiating again after you spent years shutting them down? A monthly quota for sex: reasonable or red flag? Oral every single time: too much to ask or not a big deal? The blowjob stereotype most women believe, and what men actually told us in our foreplay survey Asking your partner to stop saying a word that gives you the ick, without shutting down the dirty talk entirely How to admit you've hated something in bed for years without making your partner feel terrible Is waking your partner up because you can't sleep crossing a line? Want to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique? It’s time to give and receive “I didn’t know it could be that good” pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason. Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs. Animated GIFs with tasteful illustrations that will help you become an expert at our hottest foreplay techniques. Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more. Exactly what to do before, during, and after orgasm to ensure a “my soul just left my body” experience. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
August 20 · 1 hr 6 min
E274: Is it Normal to Not Orgasm During Sex? We Got Attacked for Talking About This
We recently shared a reel answering a question from a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The comments section turned into something we've never experienced in over ten years of doing this, including one accusation we still can't believe we had to respond to. In this episode, you'll hear: The one line in that reel that set the whole thing off The accusation that hurt more than anything we've ever been called online The ball of clay explanation that changes how you understand your own anatomy The percentage of women who actually orgasm from penetration alone (it's not what you've been told) The rule we have in our own sex life As promised in the episode, our Survivor's Guide is a free resource for survivors of sexual assault who want to reclaim their sex life. Grab it here: https://vmtherapy.com/survivors-guide-opt-in Finishing School is our orgasm course for women, and it starts exactly where this episode does, with understanding that you're not broken. Learn how your anatomy actually works Do the mindset work first, because that's what makes every technique after it land Get step by step practices for orgasming on your own and with a partner Learn how to create more sensation during intercourse instead of less Check out Finishing School here: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
August 13 · 1 hr
E273: How to Try New Sex Positions Without Killing the Mood
This week we're answering all your questions about trying new positions, from how to introduce something new when you've been together forever, to why switching things up can kill the mood, to the pillow trick that changes everything, plus how many positions you actually need for great sex. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: 🛏️ How to introduce new positions when you've been together forever ⭐ The most underrated position, and no, it's not missionary 🎬 Why switching out of missionary sometimes kills the mood 🍆 What to do when he goes soft during a transition 🛋️ The best pillow and furniture for better positions ⏱️ How long to give a position before deciding "nah, this isn't it" 🔢 How many positions you actually need in one session Use this episode to talk with your partner about what you'd actually love to try next. 💦 Think you've tried every position? Think again. Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies. 47 fully illustrated positions (5 new!) with step-by-step guidance 17 brand-new pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything Recommendations for what each position is best for, plus troubleshooting and aftercare Right now, get the whole guide and every bonus for just $49, half off the regular $97 The sale ends Monday, August 17, so don't wait. 👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
August 6 · 57 min
E272: What Do Men Really Think About….? (Part 5) Rough Sex, Vibrators, and What Turns Them Off
It’s time for another episode of What Do Men Really Think About… and Xander’s back in the hot seat to answer your burning questions about preferences, fantasies, the death grip, and how to give better feedback in bed. Plus, we’re giving you questions to share with your partner to help you get on the same page and build your goals for your sex life! 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: 🔥 Do men actually prefer rough sex? 💬 The most misunderstood thing about men and sex 🕯️ How to use the 5 to 10 minutes right after sex for more connection 🗣️ Do men really want feedback in bed? 🍑 Reverse cowgirl, the view, and the butthole anxiety 💧 How men really feel about discharge and everything else your body does during sex 🔌 Do men get upset when you need a vibrator to orgasm? ❓ A round of quick fire preference questions to take home and ask your partner tonight 🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep intimacy alive without having to figure it all out on their own. Fresh, doable ways to connect delivered every month, so you never run out of ideas Real guidance from a sex therapist and her very own regular dude Low pressure prompts and conversations that actually fit your real life Built for couples in any season, whether things feel stuck or you just want more of a good thing 💛 Stay Connected 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
July 30 · 50 min
E271: The Real Reason You Can't "Let Go" in Bed
You're finally in bed together, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow's to-do list. We've all heard the advice to “just let go”. Stop thinking, stop controlling, lose yourself. But 80% of you tell us that you struggle to actually do that. So we're saying something a little controversial this week: "just let go" might be the worst sex advice out there. Listen in to learn what actually helps you feel present and connected to your partner during sex. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why "just let go" tends to backfire and pull you further into your head The real reasons your brain won't quiet down Why you'll never be perfectly present the whole time, and why that's actually OK The questions to ask yourself mid-distraction to spot what's really in the way A better goal to chase than "letting go” How your nervous system decides whether pleasure feels safe, and how to help it settle If you've ever laid there convinced something's wrong with you for not being able to switch off, nothing is. Your brain is doing exactly what brains do, and there's a kinder, more useful way in. The Spark is our $9/month membership for keeping playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive when real life keeps getting in the way. If this episode hit home, it's the easiest place to start putting it into practice: Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered every month Built for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase Small, doable ways to stay connected and get out of your head together 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark Stay connected Follow us on Instagram at https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander. Get our weekly email at https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe. Loving the show? Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen, and leave a review to help more people find us. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
July 23 · 56 min
E270: The 5 Silent Relationship Killers That Turn Partners Into Roommates
We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners. This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: The full D.R.I.F.T. Framework and why that 67% roommate stat lands so hard for so many couples 📱 How the average person's 144 daily phone checks can turn date night into two people scrolling side by side 🔁 When "who's grabbing the kids?" takes over and the deeper conversations start to disappear 😐 Why the absence of conflict isn't the same as closeness 🙏 The gratitude gap that lets resentment move in, and why appreciation is one of the biggest predictors of a happy marriage 🤝 How the "bristle reaction" kills everyday affection, and the 10-second reset that brings it back These might feel like small things, but over time they add up to real distance. The good news: once you can name them, you can start to shift them, together. 🕯️ Ready to swap the drift for a little more spark every month? The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep choosing each other on purpose, with low-pressure ways to stay close long after the credits roll on date night. Fresh ways to reconnect that you don't have to dream up yourself, so "fine" never gets the chance to settle in Simple, doable ideas that bring real conversation and everyday, non-sexual affection back into your week A monthly nudge to keep intimacy intentional, because connection takes intention, not mind-reading 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
July 16 · 1 hr 1 min
E269: Tie-Breakers: We Referee Your Realest Relationship Standoffs
Every couple has that one thing they’ll argue about until the end of time. TV in the bedroom. How to load the dishwasher. Can men and women just be friends? 👀 We asked our community to send us the disagreements they just can’t seem to settle with their partner, and today we’re weighing in as your official referees. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: 💋 Is oral foreplay or the main event? 🐾 If the pet falls asleep on your lap, are you officially off chore duty? 👀 Can men and women really be just friends? Our take. ✂️ Who gets the final say when it comes to grooming and body hair? 🕯️ Want more fun, flirting, and connection with your partner every single month? The Spark is our monthly membership full of playful, low-pressure ways to keep things exciting, no matter how different the two of you are. Fresh sweet & spicy date ideas, conversation starters, and intimacy prompts every month Simple ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks Something you can actually look forward to doing together without having to plan a thing 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
July 9 · 1 hr 6 min
E268: Ask Us Anything: Only Fans, The Ick, & Creeps In The Comments
It’s Xander’s birthday! And this week for our Ask Us Anything episode, we decided to answer some of your personal questions! This one really pulls back the curtain on us as a couple. Ready for honest reactions, beyond real talk, and more than a little oversharing? 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Whether we've ever set foot in a swingers or sex club If we’re starting an Only Fans Is it weird that our parents know intimate details about our sex lives because of what we do Our honest answers about giving each other the Ick Who really initiates more between the two of us Our favorite time of day for sex, and the reasoning behind it How we handle the creeps who show up in our comments The single position we'd choose if we had to pick just one forever At the end of the day, we're two people figuring out long-term love, running a business, and life together… while keeping intimacy our priority. Thanks for being on the ride with us. 🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 🔥 Ultimate Sex Positions: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 🔥 The Art of Initiation: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?utm_term=podcast 🔗 Links & Resources 🛏️ Get the TABU Pillow — Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference 🔥. We’re obsessed. → https://vmtherapy.com/pillow 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Cure. So Cure Hydration is officially in Target now, which I'm way too excited about. I stocked up last week and I'm not ashamed to say I've already restocked. Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
July 2 · 55 min
E267: The Hygiene Episode
Should I shower first? Is this normal? Why does it smell like that? This week we're going there with zero judgment, answering your real hygiene and sex questions one by one. Nobody taught us how to actually take care of our bodies for sex. Not our parents, not health class, not anyone. And so we've been left to piece it together ourselves, often while carrying a whole lot of shame that doesn't belong to us. That's exactly what this episode is about. We got flooded with questions from our Instagram audience on hygiene and sex, and we're answering all of it, honestly, warmly, and with more poop talk than either of us anticipated. From what to do before and after, to discharge, breath, smells, and the great cleanup debate, we're covering it all. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: What actually matters (and what you can skip) when it comes to staying fresh before and after sex Why the shame we carry about our bodies being "dirty" around sex is making everything harder, and messier What your vulva actually needs to stay clean (spoiler: way less than you've been told) Why semen can have a smell, and when it's actually worth a second thought How to tell your partner their breath or body odor is getting in the way of intimacy, without it turning into a fight The gush: what it is, why it happens, and what you can actually do about it The after-sex cleanup debate: cup-and-shuffle, a towel by the bed, or straight to the shower If you've ever felt self-conscious about your body, your smell, or what counts as "normal," we hope this one leaves you feeling a whole lot more at ease. There's no shame here, just us answering the questions everyone's secretly Googling. 🕯️ Want to keep things exciting long after this episode ends? The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to stay connected, playful, and turned on, without having to figure it all out on your own. Fresh ideas and prompts delivered every month to keep intimacy feeling alive Low-pressure ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks Made for real couples and real bodies, zero shame required A simple monthly nudge to put each other first again 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks The Spark. No planning. No awkward ‘what should we do?’ Just open it and go.And it’s only nine dollars a month, cancel anytime. Because a little spark goes a long way. ➡︎https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
June 25 · 1 hr
E266: Ask a Sex Therapist (Part 3) Sex Pillows, Squirting, and Standing-Up Sex
You send us your most "I can't believe I'm actually asking this" questions, and we live for it. So we're back with the third edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, going rapid-fire through as many of them as we can, with real answers, tips, and stories. No question is too awkward, too niche, or too "is it too late to ask this at my age?" 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: What "tossed salad" actually means, because it's never too late to ask How to tell if you're about to squirt or pee, and whether squirting is even real Is the G-spot orgasm real? We settle it Sex pillows and spit as lube: the honest yes-or-no on both Why standing-up sex never seems to work, and how to fix it Why a partner might go soft when you're on top Strap-ons as a tool for guys facing performance pressure Whether it's worth shaking things up when your sex is already great If you've ever sat on a question because it felt too weird to say out loud, consider this your permission slip. Chances are, someone else is wondering the exact same thing. 🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES Get the TABU Pillow Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference . We’re obsessed. 👉🏻 [INSERT LINK] 💦 Variety is the spice of life (and your sex life) Ultimate Sex Positions is our guide to over forty illustrated positions, with step-by-step help getting into, out of, and moving in each one. Over 40 positions with clear, illustrated, step-by-step guidance The fixes for the ones that never seem to work (standing-up sex, we see you) Toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping experiences built for both of you Plus the secret to actually craving more sex 👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 💪 For the guys: no shame in your game The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure gets into what's happening in your brain and your body, so sex feels good instead of stressful. A holistic approach to performance anxiety and erections Real help for early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and going soft Build genuine confidence in your technique For hotter, more satisfying sex, minus the stress 👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: https://vmtherapy.com/modernman 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
June 18 · 56 min
E265: Is This Cheating? (Part 3) Emotional Affairs, Secret Texts, and Sneaky DMs
Have you and your partner ever actually sat down and defined what counts as cheating? Most of us never do, which is exactly why the gray areas get so complicated. We're back with Part 3 of Is This Cheating?, weighing in on your trickiest, most "wait, is that okay?" scenarios. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why every couple has to define cheating for themselves, and the talks most people skip Real listener dilemmas: late-night drives, a secret sex-shop trip, and disappearing text threads The female-friendship situations that blur the line between platonic and something more Our honest take on the big one: does masturbation count as cheating? A rapid-fire round on nudes, dating apps "for friends," flirty DMs, and drunk Vegas kisses Why this is the perfect episode to play for your partner and talk through together If you've ever felt unsure whether something crossed a line, you're not overreacting and you're not alone. The clearer you get on your own definition, the easier these conversations get. 🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our monthly membership that delivers fresh, low-lift ways to connect, flirt, and keep things exciting. New prompts and ideas delivered to you every single month Designed to spark real conversation and connection, together Low commitment and big payoff, for just a few dollars a month Perfect if tonight's episode has you wanting to reconnect with your person 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
June 11 · 1 hr 5 min
E264: What Women Really Think About... Part 3
So we're back with Part 3 of What Do Women Really Think About…?, giving you the honest answers women don't always say out loud. From the mental load to mirror selfies, nothing’s off limits. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Whether women actually want a "book boyfriend," or if that fantasy is better left on the page? The real deal on mental load: is it running in the background every single day? Cum on the face: hot, not, or total depends? We give you the honest answer. Dick pics and mirror selfies: what reads as sexy vs what gets an instant delete? Blowjobs before a shower: the candid take you've been too shy to ask about. Why women open up to their friends about their sex lives so freely? Getting finished with hands or fingers: thoughtful move, or last-ditch effort? Here's the thing: the questions that feel embarrassing to ask are usually the ones everyone else is secretly wondering too. You're not weird for being curious. You're just paying attention. 🍆 Ready to be the best they've ever had? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to using your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will blow their mind. Clear, no-guesswork techniques for fingering, oral, handjobs, and blow jobs. Separate guides for vulvas and penises, so you know exactly what to do. Built to take you from unsure to genuinely confident. Perfect if today's questions left you wanting to level up. 👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cure. Not all hydration is created equal. Cure does it right with simple, clead ingredients and flavors worth reaching for all summer long. Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. Find Cure now at target this summer! Real ingredients. Real Hydration. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Remi. Protect your teeth with Remi by using code PILLOW to get 50% off your new night guard with Remi Club Subscribe & Save. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
June 4 · 56 min
E263: How to Have More Fun in Your Relationship
When was the last time you and your partner did something purely for fun? Not productive, not logistical, not about the kids, just fun. If you had to think about it for a beat, you're not alone. Most long-term couples slowly drift from enjoying each other to managing life together, and fun is usually the first thing to quietly disappear. In this episode, we're talking about why couples lose the fun, why it matters way more than most people realize, and 5 surprisingly simple ways to bring it back. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why fun is one of the most underrated forms of intimacy (and how it actually builds resilience, attraction, and friendship) The IG poll results that show just how universal this is. Only 21% of our community said they have a lot of fun in their relationship The most common things that get in the way of fun, from kids and money stress to "we honestly just forget" The reframe that helps you find more time for fun. If you've been feeling more like roommates than romantic partners lately, this episode is a gentle reminder that it’s possible to bring back the fun. 🕯️ Want more fun, connection, and intimacy in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship. Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly Designed for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast 🔗 Links & Resources Sex Talks (our book) → https://sextalksbook.com The Ultimate Foreplay Guides → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Ultimate Sex Positions → https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
May 28 · 1 hr 7 min
E262: The Sex Personality Quiz Every Couple Needs (And What Your Type Says About You)
Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking totally different languages when it comes to sex? One of you wants spontaneity, the other needs to feel emotionally close first. One of you craves novelty, the other finds comfort in what already works. Here's the thing: it's probably not about compatibility. It's about your sex personality types. In this episode, we walk you through all five types, what drives each one, the superpowers they bring to a relationship, the shadows that can quietly cause friction, and how knowing your type (and your partner's) can completely change the way you understand each other. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why understanding your sex personality can shift everything about how you connect with your partner 🔥 The Firestarter — the spontaneity-fueled type who treats passion as proof of connection 💞 The Connector — for whom emotional intimacy is the door to physical intimacy 🌸 The Sensualist — present, embodied, sensory-driven 🪶 The Adventurer — curious, playful, novelty-seeking ⚓ The Anchor — steady, communicative, and grounding How to reframe your partner's "differences" as information, not rejection Why understanding your blend can take you out of the blame cycle and into actual change Whether you've been together six months or sixteen years, this episode gives you a whole new lens for understanding why you want what you want, and why your partner wants what they want. Less guessing. Less misreading. A lot more clarity. ✨ Want to know your sex personality type? Take our free quiz here → https://vmtherapy.com/sex-personality-type 🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship. Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase) Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
May 21 · 58 min
E261: ED, PE & Everything In Between: Your Performance Problems Solved (Part 2)
The response to our first episode on penis performance problems was so big that we knew we had to come back for round two. In this episode, we're getting into the practical stuff: what to do in the moment when things aren't going as planned, how to keep your sex life feeling connected and fun even when performance issues are in the mix, and how both partners can show up for each other without making everything weird. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Whether you need to tell your wife you're taking ED meds How to get out of your head before sex when PE anxiety is already spiraling Practical tricks for lasting longer — specific, usable techniques that actually help How to bring spontaneity back when Viagra has a 30-minute waiting period — because yes, this is fixable How to bring up a performance issue with a partner who doesn't seem to notice it — the conversation you've been avoiding, made easier What to do when he loses his erection mid-sex When it's time to bring in a doctor — because sometimes the answer really is medical If you or your partner have ever felt alone in navigating this stuff, this episode is proof that you're not. 🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES We've put together a guide that goes even deeper into everything we talked about today. The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure is a step-by-step resource built from Vanessa's years of sex therapy practice — real tools, real techniques, zero fluff. Strategies for erectile difficulties, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation Exercises you can use on your own and in the moment with a partner A whole chapter for partners — because this is a team sport Practical and shame-free from start to finish 👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: vmtherapy.com/modernman 💛 STAY CONNECTED 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
May 14 · 1 hr 5 min
E260: How To Orgasm Like A Man: Breaking The Blocks That Keep Women Stuck
For a lot of women, orgasm feels like this mysterious thing that either happens or it doesn't. Nobody taught you how. And somewhere along the way, you picked up the idea that your pleasure is complicated, too demanding, or just... less important. But here's what we want you to hear: that's NOT true. In this episode, we reframe the whole conversation, asking what it would look like if women approached their own pleasure with the same expectation men do. No apology, no overthinking, no putting everyone else first. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: The mental blocks that pull women out of the moment, from body distraction and to-do list thinking to feeling awkward or selfish for focusing on your own pleasure at all. The technique gaps no one ever filled in, including what to do if you've never had an orgasm, if you can only get there through oral, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner. The relational stuff that makes it even harder — worrying about how you smell or taste, not knowing how to redirect a partner without hurting his feelings, and the faking cycle that's been going on so long you don't even know how to stop. How to think like a man during sex and what it would actually mean for a woman to show up to her pleasure with that same sense of entitlement (in the best possible way). What the path forward actually looks like, whether you're starting from zero or expanding what's already working, both solo and with a partner. If you've ever felt like your orgasm is the last priority, this one is for you. 🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES Finishing School is Vanessa's step-by-step system for learning how to orgasm consistently, reliably, and in more ways than you might think possible. It's been completely rebuilt around the three blocks covered in this episode: Mindset, Technique, and Partnership. Work through the mental and emotional blocks keeping you stuck in your head Learn The Finishing Formula and the specific techniques most likely to get you there Built to meet you exactly where you are, with a 30-day money-back guarantee 👉🏻 Check out Finishing School here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm 💛 STAY CONNECTED 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
May 7 · 1 hr 3 min
E259: Sex and Intimacy After Kids: What Actually Works (From Parents Who've Figured It Out)
This one's for the sleep-deprived, the time-starved, the diaper-changing, homework-helping parents who still want to feel like a couple. We see you. And we asked our community to help us show up for you in a big way. In this episode, we're reading real responses from real parents — practical, doable ideas and a little tough love for making intimacy a priority again, even with kids in the house. 💛 In this episode, you'll hear: Why we talk about parenting and intimacy even though we don't have kids ourselves The #1 thing our parent community says completely changed their sex life (hint: it involves your calendar) How to stop resentment before it builds The small acts of emotional intimacy that go a long way The little rituals making a real difference Timing hacks that real parents swear by The privacy solutions couples are using so they can actually relax Mindset shifts that unstick couples from dry spells and all-or-nothing thinking A powerful DM from a parent in our community that will challenge you, encourage you, and maybe make you tear up a little Your relationship isn't something you'll get back to someday. This episode is the reminder you needed to start now. ✨ Want a simple, fun way to keep the spark alive every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription packed with fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters — designed for real couples with real lives. 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark Talking to your kids about sex and relationships doesn't have to be awkward — but it does have to happen. Beyond The Birds & The Bees is our guide to having honest, age-appropriate conversations with your kids about bodies, relationships, and healthy sexuality — so they hear it from you first. Practical scripts and conversation starters for every age Takes the guesswork (and the cringe) out of the talk Helps you raise kids with healthy attitudes about sex and relationships Because the best gift you can give your kids is parents who aren't afraid to go there 👉🏻 Check out Beyond The Birds & The Bees here: http://vmtherapy.com/kids 💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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