Decoding Attachment Styles

Why Avoidants Come Back After Breakup

Your avoidant ex is back. But do they actually want you back, or are they just checking whether you’re still available? Not every avoidant ex returns for the same reason. Some genuinely regret losing the relationship, while others may be feeling lonely, curious, guilty, or looking for reassurance that you still care. In this episode, we explore the differences between dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment, which patterns may lead someone to circle back, and why some avoidant exes never reach out at all. We also look at those low-effort messages like “Hey stranger" or "Just checking on you," what they may actually mean, and how to distinguish someone seeking validation from someone who genuinely wants to rebuild the relationship. Most importantly, we discuss what to look for before giving an avoidant ex another chance, including accountability, consistency, emotional availability, and the ability to handle difficult conversations. Because an ex reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean they're ready to offer you a different relationship. Whether you're hoping they'll return or wondering what to do now that they have, this episode will help you recognize what matters before deciding whether to let them back into your life. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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Why Avoidants Fight For Relationship After Anxious Leaves

An avoidant person may finally be ready to fight for the relationship, only to discover their anxious partner no longer wants them back. By the time an anxious partner finally walks away, they may have already spent months processing their disappointment, losing hope, and learning to accept what they cannot change. So when their avoidant ex suddenly starts pursuing them, making promises, and offering everything they once asked for, it may no longer be enough. In this episode, we explore why avoidant partners sometimes recognize what they've lost only after the relationship ends, why their sudden efforts can be difficult to trust, and what happens when the anxious person discovers they can be happy without them. We also discuss what an avoidantly attached person can do to rebuild trust, how to recognize meaningful change rather than temporary panic, and what both partners should consider before trying again. Because missing someone, regretting losing them, and having the ability to sustain a healthy relationship are three different things. Whether you're hoping to win someone back or deciding whether to give them another chance, this conversation will help you understand what matters before making that decision. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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How to Get Over a Breakup?

In this episode, I’m joined by attachment coaches Marta and Duncan for an open conversation about breakups, attachment, and why knowing you should move on doesn’t necessarily make it easier to do. We talk about what keeps us emotionally attached, why some breakups are harder to recover from than others, and what may actually be happening underneath the urge to hold on, reach out, or hope they’ll come back. This isn’t an interview. It’s three attachment coaches having an honest conversation about the psychology of letting go and what it takes to finally begin moving forward. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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Why Your Partner Can't Be the Adult You Need

We spend a lot of time asking why our partners behave the way they do. But how often do we ask ourselves what our own childhood taught us about being an adult? In this episode, we explore how the lessons we learned growing up shape our relationships today - from anxious and avoidant patterns to what secure attachment actually looks like in everyday life. We'll talk about responsibility, boundaries, compassion, and why understanding someone's past doesn't mean you have to build your future around it. If you've ever wondered why the same relationship patterns keep showing up, this conversation is for you. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What To Do When Partner Can't Give You What You Need

It is frustrating when a partner can't give you what you need especially after they promised or implied they could. We try to change them - or their mind. We hope they can change and become the person we thought they were when we first met. We struggle with the fear of the relationship ending, lashing out with hurtful words, doing things that causes more damage - and then regretting them all when we are calm. This episodes walks you through what you can do before the damage is done. Breathing tips as promised in this episode - Practice 5 minutes a day and build from there Focus on your breathing and learn its natural rhythm before you do anything. Intentionally breathe deeply - in and out. Ask your doctor about box breathing exercises and if it's right for you. This is great for calming the nervous system and helping us respond with clear intentions instead of reacting. Please leave a review... I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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Why Avoidants Tell You What You Want to Hear

Are the manipulating you by telling you what you want to hear? It's a lot deeper than this and this episode breaks it down. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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How to tell the Difference Between Anxiety and Anxious Attachment

Today I'm answering three questions I get asked constantly. And I picked these three on purpose, because they build on each other. The first one is the controversial one: can a fearful-avoidant actually have a successful relationship WITHOUT going to therapy? People want me to say no. I'm not going to say no. But I'm also not going to give you the comfortable answer. The second question is one almost everyone struggles with: how do I know if what I'm feeling is anxiety, or if it's a real need I should actually honor? Because those two things feel identical in your body, and most of the internet can't tell you the difference. And the third one is personal, and a lot of you have felt it: "I feel abandoned every single time my partner goes off to a team dinner or out with friends. How do I get over this?" We're going to take that one apart together, because the real answer isn't what you think it is. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What to Expect When Anxious and Fearful Avoidant Start to Heal

If you ever thought healing your attachment was impossible - here are two other people who were able to do it. Today I did something I never did before - I had a discussion with who I have witnessed working on healing their attachment styles. This episode gives you three certified coaches walking you through what healing looks like, our experiences in our past and current relationships, how attachment styles shows up and how we all react differently to triggers from a secure space. We are excited to teach you everything we know. Leave a review and let us know what you think. Share this with your friends and don't forget to subscribe. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What to Do When Avoidant Pull Away

It’s crushing when your avoidant partner disappears. But why are they doing it...and what can you do. On of the most disruptive things happening in avoidant- anxious relationships is when the avoidant partner suddenly disappears without an explanation. We want to understand their motives, explain how this hurts us, try harder but perhaps if we understand why they tend to do this we can rest at ease - or make some hard decisions that will benefit us. This podcast is meant to guide you if you're going through this or if you've gone through this. For my book - From Anxious to Secure - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/from-anxious-to-secure For my mini online program - Boundary Bootcamp - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/boundary-bootcamp To book a session with me - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/book-a-session-with-me-ui52g6pv To Subscribe to School of Attachment - https://stan.store/DecodingAttachmentStyles/p/weekly-coaching-tools--strategies Disclaimer: I am a certified coach with a psychology background, not a licensed therapist. The content I share is for educational and informational purposes and is based on Attachment Theory principles. I am currently funding and researching a personal project on attachment behaviors and feelings with 175 individuals. This page is not a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. Please use discernment and consult a qualified mental health professional for personal advice. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What To Look For When Dating An Anxious Attached

You may have been dating and anxious attached and they seem put together. They are not the needy and clingy ones you heard about. They don't remind you of your ex who was needy and clingy. You might even think you're being tricked. Are they manipulating you? Chances are you have bummed into a not so rare gem. There are emotionally mature anxious attached gems that can behave in very secure ways and that is healthy for a long- term relationship. However, you don't want to sabotage these relationships by testing them too much because these are the ones that won't stick around and beg like your emotionally immature ex probably did - and you don't want to risk that. If you're anxiously attached, this may trigger you or help you to grow if you're ready for that. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What To Do When Male Partner Has Many Female Followers

This is an episode recorded for my instagram Wednesday live. These are the questions I answered for my followers there👇👇👇 My avoidant treats me like he’s a bf even we are not longer together for months. We have been on and off but he always treats me like his bf when we are together Does avoidant experiences physical symptoms when their relationships feel too much? What do you think of the opinion that avoidants generally cheat (emotional/phyical/leave doors open, etc) Why do DA cheat? How to deal with silent treatment from a fa partner? Husband is avoidant, he gets extreme stressed about the future and shuts down for months? My boyfriend has mostly female followers on instagram. It triggers my anxiety. What should I do? Are avoidants who don’t do the work usually emotionally immature? Is it okay to tell an ex you know would need therapy/ counselling to let them know? I have been in no contact with someone for 10 weeks. He then asked to meet then went missing again. Checking he sill had access. Can avoidant heal/break patterns without therapy? I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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Client Shares Healing His Anxious Attachment

Healing an anxious attachment isn't easy but it is possible. My client agreed to sit down and share his journey - what he went through as an anxious attached person, what he has learned and how he continues to grow and feel empowered in his relationships. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What It's Like to be A Fearful Avoidant

My client decided to share what it's like for her to be a fearful avoidant attached person. We often think that only men are avoidant attached but what happens when it's a woman. Client S shares how she thinks and feels when she gets overwhelmed and what it looks like to heal. She talks about what she is going through as she manages her emotions during a breakup and what she would do differently if/when she gets back with her partner. Join us for this one plus hour chat . I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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How Secure Attached Breakup with Avoidant

Secure attached people don't beg or chase when an avoidant wants to breakup. They also know when to call it quits...and in this episode - that is what we are discussing. We will discuss... - a secure attached timeline to a deciding a breakup, - how they communicate breaking up - what they heal during breakup - how they respond when avoidant circles back 🚶🏻‍♂️‍➡️Follow me on instagram for more insights into attachment styles. 🔁 Share with someone who needs to hear this. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

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What Avoidant Do During And After Breakups

They act like they are over you the moment you breakup and that is crushing. But is that what they really feel? There are lot of "experts" on what avoidant attached person feel during breakups. I have on average 70 avoidant attached people on speed dial and I am sharing what they all say they go through during breakups. It's astounding how they all have the same breakup story. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on this podcast. Much love, Annalisa I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

What to Look For In The First 90 Days Of Dating

I wish someone had told me this when I first started dating. I made so many mistakes that landed me in some questionable relationships. The tips I share here has helped me choose a partner I enjoy life with. I'm breaking down the red flags to look out for, the green ones to pay attention to, the pace to move at so you don't end up with someone who blindsides you. This would help if you've been dating someone for a while or if you're now getting into the dating work. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

Long Distance Romance With Avoidant Attached

What happens when you've been in a long distance romance with an avoidant attached person and it feels intense even if you've just met a handful of times? You want answers... What is happening here? Can this be anything more? Why do they ghost me and return? As Sarah shares her stories, we try to find her answers that would soothe her troubles heart. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

How To Move On After Being Blindsided - Pre-recorded Session

What happens when you have been friends for what seems like forever - you lose each other and find each other and in your older years decide to date but then to be blindsided by the avoidants pull away??? Sarah shares her journey through friendship to falling in love with her friend and then the heartbreaking pulling away that started a journey into examining her anxious attachment style and healing. This is for you if you've ever been confused about your relationship going great and then suddenly coming to a halt. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

Breaking the Protest-Withdrawal Cycle Between Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

Social media will tell you that anxious-avoidant relationships are doomed. That avoidants are narcissists. That anxious people are just codependent. I'm here to tell you that's oversimplified BS that keeps people stuck. In this episode, I'm breaking down the anxious-avoidant dynamic with the nuance it actually deserves. After healing my own anxious attachment and being in a relationship with someone who's fearful-avoidant and has been actively working in therapy for over three years, I've learned that this isn't about finding a villain - it's about two nervous systems trying to feel safe in completely different ways. We're covering: The protest-withdrawal cycle: what it actually looks like and why it happens 4 damaging myths social media spreads about this dynamic (and why they're wrong) What secure attachment would actually do in these moments - not as theory, but as a real, usable framework How to hold both empathy AND boundaries at the same time The real questions to ask yourself if you're in this cycle right now Why "just stop chasing" and "just communicate better" aren't solutions -they're oversimplifications This episode doesn't tell you to leave or stay. It gives you the tools to make that decision from a grounded, informed place. Because you deserve relationships that feel secure, and you're capable of creating that - but only if you're willing to do your own work. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, or watching this pattern play out in your relationship, this one's for you. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show

What To Do When A Partner Breaks-Up With You

Annalisa answers followers questions. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Support the show