S1 · E290October 21 · 26 min
If you were to watch a movie based on Tracy’s story, you would say it’s too far-fetched to be realistic. Tracy is an author, who published a work of fiction that was loosely based on her own life called “So Not Me”. She once drove to Madrid on a whim and started teaching English. She’s feisty and opinionated, but she’s had to be that way, to advocate for her own needs.
Tracy didn’t have an ordinary childhood as such, even though she was greatly loved and supported by her siblings, she was made an orphan tragically young. “My father died when I was three and a half, and then my mother when I was fifteen. I kind of went into survival mode. I thought about all the things I had to do, the leaving cert, college etc, and just tried to get on with it, not really processing that grief at all.”
When the leaving cert rolled around and Tracy was just a week away from her 18th birthday, herself and her boyfriend were in a terrible car crash. Her boyfriend died and Tracy was left paralysed from the chest down. She spent the following 9 months in hospital. Not only was she grieving the loss of her boyfriend, but she also lost the baby she was carrying.
“I really clung to the idea of the baby, because I thought, ‘oh, that's why this happened’, you know? I was trying to rationalise what happened. Even though I was paralysed, at least there’d be a baby to come from it all. I went without the pain medication for weeks because of the pregnancy, but then, after a scan, I was told that there was something there, probably at one stage, but nothing there now. I was devastated.”
Tracy is now in her 50s, and fears the worst is yet to come in her life. She feels her body deteriorating rapidly as the weeks pass. She’s living rather independently at the moment. When we called to her beautifully adapted home in Monaghan, she unlocked the front door with a touch of a button. She’s glamorous, her hair is perfect and her outfit is styled beautifully. You can tell she’s a woman who cares about herself.
Up until 2 years ago, Tracy was using a manual wheelchair, now, she relies on a powerchair. She feels her body struggle more and more. Her constant pain is intensifying. She worries that if her body deteriorates even further, she won’t have access to the support she needs to stay in her home and will be forced to move into a retirement home.
“You see parts of you slipping away and it’s scary. I'm fifty five now, but the problem is that my mind is still so sharp. I find it really hard to sleep not just because of the pain but because my mind is constantly busy. I've been advocating for myself for so long, but you get to the point where you don't have the energy to do it anymore.”
It seems so unfair that this is the reality Tracy is facing. She’s young, vibrant, hilariously quick witted. Is our disability sector so impoverished that we can’t provide assistance to this level? Tracy is a woman who is calling out for help.
“I don't want to be that old bitter hag that's kind of always giving out because, at the end of it all, my life is what it is. I can look back and go, well, if I'd done that differently, if I'd made that choice, if I'd handled that differently, probably things could have turned out a lot better. I know I’ve done the best I can with the resources I have, and there's no more I can do with that.”
Rx
Sin Scéal Eile is a Poddle Audio production.
Host & Creator: Ruth Medjber
Executive Producer, Editor & Sound Designer: Dee Reddy
On-Field Audio Recording: Ronan Lally
Original Theme & Score: Elaine Mai
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