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Middle Men

Brendan O'Hara

Middle Men is a podcast for men who don't fit neatly into society's straight or gay boxes.

Maybe you live a publicly straight life, but privately you're not entirely straight. Maybe you're bi or only into guys, but don't fit neatly into the spaces designed for you. Maybe you don't have a label and don't want one.

Middle Men was built for you — the guy in the middle. No labels required. No judgment. Just other guys who get it.

I'm the host, Brendan O'Hara — I grew up straight, came out as gay, then landed in the middle. There was no podcast or community for guys like us, so I built it.

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  • 6 episodes
  • weekly
  • Avg 10 min
  • English

Episodes 6

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  • S1 · E5
    Wednesday · 17 min

    Why Dating Apps Don’t Always Fix Loneliness | What We’re Really Searching For

    Dating apps can give us more access to other people than ever before — so why do so many men still feel lonely Research on men who use dating and hookup apps suggests that spending more time searching doesn’t necessarily lead to more partners or more fulfillment. And among the men finding Middle Men, the same deeper need keeps showing up: not simply sex, but connection, understanding, and a place where they can be fully known. In this episode, I explore the dating-app loop — why Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies, Tinder, and other apps can keep us searching long after we’ve gotten what we originally opened them for. I also look at research on problematic dating-app use, loneliness, anxiety, self-disclosure, and internalized shame — including a Cornell study of Grindr users that found something surprising: the potentially beneficial part wasn’t sexting. It was telling another person something real about yourself. Then I compare that research with responses from hundreds of men in the anonymous Middle Men Survey. 82% of 395 respondents said they’ve experienced feeling like the “lonely only.” Nearly three-quarters said they’ve felt like they don’t belong in either the straight or gay worlds. And among 93 bisexual and pansexual men surveyed, not one said he felt connected to a bisexual community. For many men, dating apps may be one of the easiest available doors to other men. But what happens when what we’re actually searching for is something the app can’t reliably provide? This episode isn’t about deleting Grindr or condemning hookups. It’s about asking: What am I actually looking for when I open the app? Sex? Attention? Validation? Someone to talk to? A relationship? Or am I lonely? Because different needs may require different doors. ⏱️ CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro — The Dating App Loop 01:40 Swiss Dating App Study 02:48 Why I Kept Going Back 04:57 The “Maybe” Loop 07:19 Surprising Findings in the Cornell Grindr Study 08:34 What the Middle Men Survey Reveals 11:25 And That’s Where the Apps Come In 12:33 What Men Say They Actually Want 13:27 Truth-First & Effort-First Connection 15:42 Before You Open the App Again 16:29 Another Door 🤔 TAKE THE MIDDLE MEN SURVEY https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/survey 🔗 JOIN THE MIDDLE MEN COMMUNITY https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/community 📝 READ THE FULL ARTICLE https://middlemenwcfc.substack.com/p/the-loop-why-we-keep-searching-even 📩 NEWSLETTER https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/#newsletter 📱 FOLLOW MIDDLE MEN Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/middlemenwcfc TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@middlemenwcfc X: https://www.x.com/MiddleMenWCFC Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/middlemenwcfc 💸 SUPPORT MIDDLE MEN https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/donate 🏃 STRAVA CLUB https://www.strava.com/clubs/middlemen 📊 ABOUT THE SURVEY The Middle Men Survey is anonymous and self-selected and is not nationally representative. Results discussed in this episode include responses from 395 men to broader loneliness and belonging questions, 172 gay/queer respondents, 93 bisexual/pansexual respondents, and 272 respondents to the optional dating-app question. 📚 RESEARCH Winter BL, et al. “Problematic online dating app use and its association with mental and sexual health outcomes in a sample of Men-having-Sex-with-Men.” Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.2024.00079 Taylor SH, Hutson J, Alicea TR. “Social Consequences of Grindr Use: Extending the Internet-Enhanced Self-Disclosure Hypothesis.” CHI, 2017. https://doi.org/10.1145/3025453.3025775 Anna Lembke, Dopamine Nation (2021), used as a conceptual framework for reward-seeking behavior. If you saw yourself in this episode, follow Middle Men — and share it with a man who may be searching for something he doesn’t yet have words for.

  • S1 · E4
    August 5 · 14 min

    Why I never Felt Gay Enough — And What I Did About It

    You can come out as gay and still feel like you don’t belong in the gay community. I know because I lived openly as a gay man for about 15 years—and still never felt fully at home in the most visible gay spaces available to me. According to the anonymous Middle Men Survey, I’m far from alone. Only 1 out of 24 gay and queer respondents said he felt very at home in the mainstream gay community. More than 45% said they didn’t really feel like they fit within the mainstream gay scene. Coming out of the closet and finding a home are not always the same thing. In this episode, I explore why coming out didn’t automatically give me a true sense of belonging; what the Middle Men Survey reveals about gay loneliness, isolation, and mental health; and why some men still feel like outsiders in the communities they were told would become their home. I also share the deeply personal reason I created Middle Men, the research behind “intraminority gay community stress,” and what I did after years of moving between straight and gay worlds without feeling like my whole self belonged in either one. This is not an attack on gay men, gay culture, or LGBTQ communities. Those communities gave me freedom, friendship, and meaningful experiences during important chapters of my life. They simply don’t feel like home to everyone at all times. Middle Men is an additional room for gay, bi, questioning, closeted, fluid, and unlabeled men who want community built around more than sexuality—with no pressure to perform an identity, adopt a label, or change unrelated parts of themselves to fit in. TAKE THE ANONYMOUS MIDDLE MEN SURVEY https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/survey EPISODE CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro — Coming Out, But Not Coming Home 01:33 Why I Never Felt Fully at Home 03:23 What the Middle Men Survey Revealed 05:15 Why This Is Deeply Personal 07:20 The Emotional Cost of Not Belonging 08:17 Intraminority Gay Community Stress 09:30 What I Did About It 11:20 Building Another Room 12:19 Take the Anonymous Survey JOIN THE MIDDLE MEN COMMUNITY A private space for gay, bi, questioning, closeted, fluid, and unlabeled men to connect without pressure to fit a predetermined identity: https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/community READ THE FULL ARTICLE “Gay, but Not Gay Enough?” — the article that inspired this episode: https://www.middlemenwcfc.substack.com GET THE NEWSLETTER Articles, resources, survey findings, and content from the middle: https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/#newsletter FOLLOW MIDDLE MEN Instagram TikTok X Facebook SUPPORT MIDDLE MEN All of Middle Men is built and run by Brendan himself. Help support the podcast, online community, and future Middle Men resources: https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/donate JOIN THE STRAVA CLUB https://www.strava.com/clubs/middlemen IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING This episode includes a discussion of suicide. Middle Men is a peer community, not a substitute for therapy, crisis counseling, emergency care, or other professional mental-health services. In the United States, call or text 988, or visit: https://988lifeline.org ABOUT THE SURVEY DATA The Middle Men Survey is anonymous and self-selected. It is not a nationally representative sample, and its results should not be generalized to all gay men or all men. - Gay/queer section: 24 respondents - Reasons-for-disconnection question: 22 respondents - Broader Middle Men questions: 85–89 respondents RESEARCH SOURCE Pachankis JE, Clark KA, Burton CL, Hughto JMW, Bränström R, Keene DE. “Sex, Status, Competition, and Exclusion: Intraminority Stress From Within the Gay Community and Gay and Bisexual Men’s Mental Health.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2020. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000282 If you saw yourself in this episode, follow Middle Men so you don’t miss what’s coming next. And if you know someone who could benefit from hearing it, please share this episode with him. He may need it more than you realize.

  • S1 · E3
    July 28 · 9 min

    You Don't Have to Pick a Side | Sexuality Is a Spectrum

    You've been told your whole life that you have to pick a side. Straight or gay. One or the other. You don't. Not anymore. Sexuality runs on a spectrum, and it can evolve and change over time. I know because I've experienced it myself. And there's a place for the millions of guys like us out there who don't fit neatly into "straight" or "gay." In this episode I get into where that pressure to pick a side actually comes from; my personal experience of living a straight life, then a gay life, then landing somewhere in the middle; the challenges that accompany living life in the middle; and how to find a community of like-minded people to help offset those challenges. This one is about the permission to stop changing aspects of who you are in order to fit in with straight and gay groups, and to just be your true self with all the other Middle Men out there — without disrupting your current life. Join the community and newsletter at middlemen-podcast.com ⏱️ CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro 00:50 The Pressure to Pick a Side 01:34 Why You Don't Have to Pick a Side 02:00 My Story Pt.1 — Straight Until 25, then Coming Out 04:05 My Story Pt.2 — The Middle 05:38 The Challenges of Not Picking a Side 07:22 A Community For Those in the Middle 08:27 Who This is For 🔗 JOIN THE MIDDLE MEN COMMUNITY A private, anonymous space to connect with other guys in the middle: middlemen-podcast.com/community 📩 GET THE NEWSLETTER Bi-weekly resources, articles, and content from the middle: middlemen-podcast.com/#newsletter 🤔 "AM I A MIDDLE MAN?" Take the anonymous Middle Men survey to find out — and see the overall results: middlemen-podcast.com/survey 📝 READ MORE ON SUBSTACK middlemenwcfc.substack.com 📱 FOLLOW Instagram: instagram.com/middlemenwcfc TikTok: tiktok.com/@middlemenwcfc X: x.com/MiddleMenWCFC Facebook: facebook.com/middlemenwcfc 🏃 STRAVA CLUB strava.com/clubs/middlemen 💸 SUPPORT MIDDLE MEN Donate to support the podcast, online community, and more. https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/donate 📚 SOURCE Ross LE, et al. "Prevalence of Depression and Anxiety Among Bisexual People Compared to Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis." The Journal of Sex Research, 2018. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755 If you saw yourself in this, follow the show — there's a lot more coming. And if you know someone who could benefit, share it with them. They need it more than you realize.

  • S1 · E2
    July 21 · 7 min

    I Think I Might Be Bi. Now What? | What Nobody Tells You

    If you've ever typed "am I bi" into a search bar at 1am and then deleted your search history afterward, this one's for you. You're not the only one. Not even close. In this episode I get into the actual data on how many men live somewhere between "straight" and "gay" — the numbers that prove you're not rare, broken, or alone — and what the questioning actually feels like from someone who's lived it. Then, where to go from here: no label required, no coming out, no telling anyone anything. Maybe your life looks straight on the outside but isn’t as straight on the inside. Maybe you're bi or gay but don't fit neatly into the spaces designed for you. Maybe you don't have a word for what you are, and maybe you don't want one. Either way, you exist somewhere in the middle, and the world doesn't have a lot of space for that. Middle Men does. No labels. No judgment. No pressure to be anything other than exactly where you are. Join the community and newsletter at middlemen-podcast.com CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro 01:11 What Questioning Feels Like 02:39 The Numbers: You're Not the Only One 03:44 Why Don't They Just Come Out of the Closet? 04:46 Where Do I Go From Here? 05:20 The Middle Men Community 06:44 Half-Price Middle Men Membership SOURCE Bennett BW, et al. "Population Percentage and Population Size of Men Who Have Sex With Men in the United States, 2017–2021: Meta-Analysis of 5 Population-Based Surveys." JMIR Public Health and Surveillance, 2024. https://publichealth.jmir.org/2024/1/e56643 FOLLOW & CONNECT Join the community: middlemen-podcast.com/community Newsletter, Substack, Support the Podcast, and more: middlemen-podcast.com

  • S1 · E1
    July 14 · 13 min

    I Lived Straight, Then Gay. Then I Landed in the Middle.

    I lived a straight life. Then I lived a gay life. Both were real. Then I kept going and landed somewhere in the middle, and that feels right. But it's not without its challenges. This is my story: growing up closeted in the 80s and 90s in Pennsylvania, coming out in Boston at 24, living fifteen years fully immersed in the gay world, then going back into the closet in my 40s and realizing I'm not straight or gay, but somewhere in the middle. And upon realizing this, being confused and anxious about it as I was acclimating to moving out West — I found myself hiding non-straight parts of me in some straight groups, and assimilating while leaving true parts of myself behind in some gay groups. I also learned that ambiguity can sometimes lead to being mis-judged. So, I set out to make a community where guys like us can be ourselves without being mis-judged — while supporting each other. Middle Men is a podcast and private community for men who don't fit cleanly into society's straight or gay boxes. Maybe your life appears straight on the outside, but isn't so straight on the inside. Maybe you're bi or gay, but don't fit neatly into the spaces designed for you. Maybe you don't have a word for what you are — and maybe you don't want one. Either way, you exist somewhere in the middle — and the world doesn't have a lot of space for that. Middle Men does. No labels. No judgment. No pressure to come out and blow up the life you've built. No set of beliefs you need to adhere to or aspects of yourself you need to hide in order to belong. At Middle Men, you are welcome as your true self. If you saw yourself anywhere in this episode, you're not the only one. ⏱️ CHAPTERS 0:00 — Intro 1:01 — Growing Up Hiding It 3:02 — Coming Out in Boston 4:04 — 15 Years In — and Starting to Feel Different 7:39 — The Reset: Covid, 40, and Changing Course 9:12 — The Moment I Didn't See Coming 10:17 — Why I Built Middle Men 🔗 JOIN THE COMMUNITY A private, anonymous space to connect with other guys in the middle: middlemen-podcast.com/community 📩 GET THE NEWSLETTERBi-weekly resources, articles, and content from the middle: middlemen-podcast.com/#newsletter 📝 READ MORE ON SUBSTACKArticles released bi-weekly on Substack, and release privately a week early in the Middle Men Community as a perk to members: middlemenwcfc.substack.com 🏃 JOIN THE STRAVA CLUBFor the runners, riders, endurance, and active-life guys: strava.com/clubs/middlemen 💸 SUPPORT MIDDLE MENDonate to support the podcast, online community, and more. https://www.middlemen-podcast.com/donate

  • July 5 · 1 min

    Middle Men: Season 1 Trailer

    Middle Men is a podcast and community for men who don't fit neatly into society's straight or gay boxes. Maybe your life appears straight on the outside but isn't so straight on the inside. Maybe you're bi or gay, but don't fit neatly into the spaces designed for you. Maybe you don't have a word for what you are—and maybe you don't want one. Either way, you exist somewhere in the middle — and the world doesn't have a lot of space for that. Middle Men does. Honest conversation about identity, masculinity, relationships, social connection, and personal growth. No labels. No judgment. No pressure to be anything other than exactly where you are. middlemen-podcast.com middlemen-podcast.com/#newsletter @middlemenwcfc on YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, X, Facebook

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