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Master Your Marriage

Sharla and Robert Snow

The average couple waits 6 years to get help in their marriage. That's 6 years of pain, hurt, frustration and lost opportunity.

This podcast is designed to help you NOT become a part of that statistic.

Hosted by Dr. Robert and Sharla Snow — themselves married for 31 years — The Master Your Marriage show is here with straight-talking guidance on how to fill your marriage with fun, friendship and love, without it ever feeling like "hard work."

No matter how long you've been struggling with your marriage, or how long it's been since you've felt that "spark," we promise you, there is hope!

Your MASTERFUL marriage starts here.

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S1 · E184
Wednesday · 27 min
The Marriage Conversation Most Couples Never Have
Links from this episode: Join us for The At-Home Marriage Retreat, Sat Dec 5 (early-bird $19 per couple through Nov 30): https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/the-athome-marriage-retreat Help us out with a 30-minute listener interview (confidential, no sales): https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Do the two of you only really talk about your marriage when something's going wrong? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Most couples try to figure out their marriage while they're buried in the day-to-day of it. You sit down to talk about the two of you, and five minutes later you're talking about who's taking the dog to the vet. This week Robert tells the story of a plane ride home from a business conference that turned his whole company around, not because anything changed about his job, but because for a few hours he was finally out of the daily grind. Then we share what we do every January: a marriage retreat, just the two of us, that's about 30% business and 70% play. And because Robert flies small planes, we walk you through three phases you can use to plan your own version, even if you can't leave the house. In this episode: Why Robert's best business decision happened on a plane ride home, not in his office Where the real conversations happen in our house (hint: a comfy chair with an ottoman) "Does arguing about the budget count?" and why most couples only talk about the marriage in crisis mode Why you can't steer your marriage while you're putting out fires Inside our yearly retreat: snowed-in cabins, a hot springs crater, and a six-foot dry-erase calendar The family mission statement we never meant to write, and the line that carried Sharla through a hard year Three phases for your own retreat: takeoff, in-flight, and the before-landing checklist What to leave on the ground, and the questions worth asking once you're up there How we started with three or four hours and a calendar, long before it was a weekend away A place to start this week: Put one block of time on the calendar this month, even just an afternoon, and decide together what you're leaving on the ground. Want to do the whole process with us? The At-Home Marriage Retreat is a live online day on Saturday, December 5, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Mountain Time. Early-bird tickets are $19 for the two of you through November 30, and include the workbook and the 30-day replay: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/the-athome-marriage-retreat Related episodes: Ep 100: How to Create a Family Vision Statement for 2025 https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/how-to-create-a-family-vision-statement-for-2025 Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E183
October 28 · 29 min
Stop Coaching Your Spouse When They're Upset
Has your spouse ever come to you hurt, and instead of hearing them out, you corrected how they said it? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Once you start learning relationship tools, you start noticing every time your spouse isn't using them. And then it's so tempting to point it out. "That's a complaint, not a request." "You're being defensive." "Can you just give me one example?" You might even be right. But to someone who's already hurting, it sounds like you're grading their delivery, and that starts a whole new fight. This week we share a Sunday morning that started with a surprise breakfast from our daughter and ended with Sharla coaching Robert from the shower, bubbles still in her hair. It involves a cat, three upholstered dining chairs, and a good rule used at exactly the wrong moment. Then we walk through three simple steps for when your spouse is upset and it's coming out messy. In this episode: How one cat and three upholstered chairs started the whole thing Why "just use a different chair" landed as a brush-off What happened when Sharla coached Robert from the shower Right rule, wrong role: when good communication advice becomes a correction Why learning the tools can make you see every mistake your spouse makes The customer service window from episode 180, and the "toaster" Sharla almost handed back Gottman's research on repair attempts, and why the same words can repair or correct Three steps: take off your coaching hat, own your part, ask them to help you understand When (and how) to talk about their delivery later, as a page from your operating manual A place to start this week: The next time your spouse comes to you upset and it's coming out sideways, skip the coaching and try Robert's line: "I can tell you're upset. Can you help me understand?" We're building a new program for couples and we'd love to hear from you before we finish it. If you can handle almost anything life throws at you but home is the place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation with us (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Ep 182: How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-what-you-want-without-starting-a-fight Ep 132: The Science of Repair in Relationships https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-science-of-repair-in-relationships Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com The Gottman Institute on repair attempts: https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage Email: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E182
October 21 · 30 min
How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight)
Do you know exactly what bugs you about your spouse, but freeze up when it comes to saying what you actually want instead? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. Last week we talked about why so many of us don't ask for what we want. This week is the how. Most of us were taught to wait for our spouse to figure it out, then complain when they don't. It doesn't work, and it turns little irritants into little fights. We own up to a movie night in our basement that went sideways over woodworking videos, and share the little throat clear Robert uses in the bedroom doorway when he needs some love. Then we walk you through a simple four-part way to ask that's warm, quick and much easier for your spouse to say yes to. In this episode: Why waiting for your spouse to "just know," then complaining, almost never works How "Are you seriously on your phone right now?" turned a cozy movie night into a little fight The request hiding inside every complaint, and how to find it Why you're the expert on you, but not on your spouse Handing over your "operating instructions" (and why most spouses never get a manual) What a throat clear in the bedroom doorway has to do with feeling loved The full ask: appreciation, a specific ask, "as a favor to me," and "how can I help?" Movie night, take two: what changed when Sharla asked instead of complained When the full ask fits, and when a bigger hurt needs a different conversation A place to start this week: Think of the complaint you've made a hundred times. Flip it into a request, then try the full ask, just once. We're building a new program for couples, and we'd love to hear from you first. If home is the one place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 181: But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/but-he-should-already-know-failing-the-test-you-didnt-know-you-were-taking Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E181
October 14 · 28 min
But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking
Do you wait for your spouse to figure out what you need, and then feel hurt when they don't? Or do you tell yourself it's not worth asking anyway? We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. This week we start a new thread we're calling Loving Power: how to be strong and loving at the same time. Last week was about hearing a complaint without getting defensive. This one is the other side. Why is it so hard to just ask for what you want? We both tell on ourselves. Sharla gave Robert a secret test for two days after a 15-hour travel day home from the Caribbean. Robert spent almost a week feeling rejected and went out to the shop instead of saying "I miss you." We walk through the beliefs underneath that kept us quiet, and a simple tool for talking back to them. In this episode: Why being "low maintenance" can slowly drain the passion out of a marriage What BYU research says disconnection does to your body (it's a lot) Belief #1: "It's selfish to ask," and why asking is actually taking care of your marriage Belief #2: "I shouldn't have to tell him," and the 48-hour secret test Sharla gave Robert Belief #3: "I don't want to rock the boat," and why keeping the peace isn't as safe as it feels The bonus one for the guys: Superman, and Robert's own "nobody cares" story Why a busy week can feel like rejection, and which part of you is really talking A four-step tool: notice it, name it, answer it, ask A place to start this week: Catch yourself giving one secret test. That moment when you're waiting for your spouse to figure it out, or telling yourself "never mind, it's not worth it." Notice it, name it, talk back to it, and ask anyway. Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes: Ep 180: Relational Maturity: How to Hear a Complaint Without Getting Defensive https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive Ep 155: The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-hidden-cost-of-keeping-the-peace-in-marriage Resources mentioned: Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com Julianne Holt-Lunstad's research on social connection (BYU): https://news.byu.edu/byu-expert-on-social-isolation-tapped-to-lead-u-s-surgeon-general-advisory-advise-world-health-organization U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on loneliness and isolation (2023): https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E180
October 9 · 36 min
Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset
Do you get defensive the second your spouse says they're upset with you? Most of us do. We start correcting the facts, or we go straight to "poor me," and five minutes later nobody's talking about the original problem anymore. We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves. In this episode we talk about what Terry Real calls relational maturity, and his surprisingly simple test for it: “what do you do when your spouse is unhappy with you?” We tell on ourselves with the story of a porch swing Robert built, a creak that scared Sharla, and a lecture on snow loads that cost us the swing. Then we walk through four moves you can make the next time a complaint comes your way, and why owning more than you're asked to own is what calms your spouse down. In this episode Why the first five seconds after "that bothered me" tell you so much The adaptive child, the wise adult, and where we each learned to handle complaints Pia Mellody's three ways we dodge responsibility (Sharla admits to using all of them in one sentence) Why defensiveness is really a way of keeping shame out The porch swing story, and the snow loads lecture Why a complaint is a one-way street, and Terry Real's customer service window The four moves: listen and reflect, acknowledge, own the pattern, give and let go Why saying "it's not the first time I've done this" can calm a fight down A place to start this week The next time your spouse is unhappy with you, ask yourself which part of you is about to answer. Then try one move: "Here's what I heard. Did I get that right?" Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us Related episodes Ep 169: Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem, and How to Fix It https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/defensiveness-is-a-self-esteem-problem-and-how-to-fix-it Ep 98: Repair, Part 4 (we process a regrettable incident live) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/real-repair-what-happens-after-a-big-fight Ep 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/when-is-it-okay-not-to-forgive-and-when-its-not Resources mentioned Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy Terry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence The Gottman Institute (processing a regrettable incident): https://www.gottman.com Find us https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E179
October 1 · 37 min
How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently
How Lifelong Lovers Cherish Each Other Differently - It is easy to look at someone else’s business, family, house, or marriage and decide ours is not enough. The longer we stay in that comparison, the blinder we get to the good that is already ours. In this episode we talk about cherishing as the practice that brings us back. We look at what cherishing actually means, why it is harder to name seven things we value than seven things we want changed, and the habits that work against us: entitlement, comparison, and the hedonic treadmill. We also walk through the Gottman fondness and admiration questions, and we talk about why cherishing asks for vulnerability, humility, and a different relationship to the differences that once drew us together. Cherishing will not fix contempt or a destructive pattern. It can help a long-term relationship feel like a place that gives life, instead of a life we are only managing. In this episode Why comparison takes our attention away from our own life What it actually takes to have a cherishing relationship, and why capable is not the same as willing Why most of us can list grievances faster than we can list what we cherish Entitlement as a survival habit that costs us in marriage The hedonic treadmill, and what it does not mean A story about what becomes visible only after a loss The Gottman fondness and admiration self-check, and how to read the score Vulnerability, resentment, and humility Why you do not have to wait for your spouse to go first A place to start this week Name one specific good thing before the day gets away from you, and say it out loud. Find us masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com
S1 · E178
September 24 · 28 min
Why the Spark Fades in Marriage, and How to Wake It Back Up
How Lifelong Lovers Keep Wanting Each Other Last week we kept talking about the work of stopping damage. That work matters. If contempt, unbridled expression, or defensiveness are running the house, you do not need a new date-night idea first. You need to stop the bleeding. This episode is about what comes after that. Couples can get better at conflict. They can learn to repair. They can stop doing so much damage. And they can still look at each other and feel quiet. Not hateful. Just flat. “We finally learned how to fight better. Why doesn’t it feel more alive?” John Gottman has been saying a version of this for decades. Even the best therapy in the world will never work if it only focuses on conflict. Stopping the damage is the first step. It is not the same thing as building a friendship or a cherishing marriage. Once the negativity has a little less room, there is a space where it used to live. You have to decide what you want to fill that space with. Friendship. Fondness. Play. Shared meaning. Touch. Adventure. One of the things that can fill it is novelty. Not novelty as a gimmick. Novelty as a way of keeping the wanting system awake in a long-term committed relationship. In this conversation we talk about: Why the first year or two can feel electric, and why that intensity often cools around year two, moving in, or kids Helen Fisher’s three systems: lust, attraction (dopamine), and attachment Why early love can feel almost obsessive, and why the brain cannot stay in that state forever Habituation: the brain spends less dopamine on what it already knows well What that does not mean (you did not necessarily marry the wrong person, and passion is not required to die) Arthur Aron’s research on self-expansion and doing new things together Why a familiar person in an unfamiliar place can wake wanting back up Three practices: shared novelty, intentional space that includes a return, and keep becoming / stay curious The honest catch: novelty takes energy, and exhausted couples often misread the quiet as “we grew apart” This week’s experiment Sit down together, even for ten minutes. Where has our life become so efficient that we stopped being interesting to each other? What is one unfamiliar thing we could do together before this season turns? Write it down. Put it on the calendar. Do not turn it into another exhausting project. Go be slightly bad at something new, together. Love, the cherishing kind, is not the absence of familiarity. It is familiarity that still surprises you, again and again. Mentioned Helen Fisher, research on romantic love and the brain Donatella Marazziti, research on serotonin patterns in early love Arthur Aron, Stony Brook University, self-expansion and shared novel activities John Gottman, friendship and conflict James Clear, Atomic Habits (the stonecutter) Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we would love to hear about it. Send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help putting practices like this into your actual life, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E177
September 16 · 25 min
Why Your Marriage Collapses Under Pressure
Get the workbook that accompanies this series Last week we talked about borrowing a self. How many of us build a pseudo-self out of attention and approval — reassurance from a partner, praise from a boss, a degree, a title. Those boosters attach our worth to things we do not control. When the attention is stripped away, we don’t really know who we are. That is a recipe for more anxiety and more reactivity. A solid self is built on beliefs, values, and principles you have defined for yourself. Not the ones you inherited and never questioned. That is this episode. Principles. The handful of things you would still conduct yourself by if nobody clapped, if your partner didn’t agree, and if the tension in the room got really thick. That’s when we find out who we are and what we will stand for. In this conversation we talk about: The pile of “shoulds” we bring into marriage, and how the pseudo-self absorbs them to keep the peace Why true belief is not rebelling and not conforming — it is your own reasoning The difference between a value and a principle Why feelings are information, but they don’t get to drive How a family code becomes “personality,” and then collides with someone else’s code What an I-position sounds like — sentences about your functioning, not a diagnosis of them Why the system may spike in anxiety when you stop borrowing, and why that is not proof you chose wrong A value can live in your head. A principle has to show up in how you treat the person across from you. You do not have a principle until you can argue for it — to yourself. If you cannot hold it unless someone is nodding, it is still a booster. Fulfillment and comfort are not the same thing. Living a borrowed life can look successful and still feel empty. Living a principled life can feel tense at first. It is a life you respect. This week’s assignment One value. Your own thinking. Pick one value that really matters in this marriage. Write two or three principles under it. Sentences that start with I. Argue for them. Why this? What does it protect? What does it cost? When would you still keep it? Do the borrowed test. Whose voice is this? Live one sentence for seven days. Stay in contact. When anxiety comes, stop, breathe, ask what the real story is. If you want the longer version, we made a downloadable workbook that walks the three-episode stack and gives you space to write your relationship principles. $5 on our Stan Store. Don’t wait on it to start. This episode is enough to begin. When an anxious person starts to think for herself or himself, the entire relationship system becomes a lot less reactive. Mentioned Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down Murray Bowen, family systems theory Workbook [LINK]: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/when-disagreement-feels-like-a-threat Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E176
September 10 · 25 min
Why You Manage Their Mood Instead of Your Own
Last week we talked about anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. How we make our partner the threat. How reactivity is the anxiety. This week is the question underneath that: why does their disagreement knock the floor out from under you? A lot of us don’t actually know who we are unless someone is reflecting it back. Praise. A title. Being busy. A spouse who validates us. A room that doesn’t push back. Those things feel like a self. They’re boosters. They work for a minute. Then they wear off, and we need the next one. That’s borrowing a self. And a borrowed self experiences “I don’t see it that way” as a threat. So of course we manage their mood. Of course we please, campaign, or reach for distance. We’re trying to get the floor back. In this episode we talk about: Why you can look so capable at work and come undone at home How boosters and borrowed selves make difference feel dangerous What differentiation actually means in a marriage Why cutting people out soothes anxiety, until you run out of people Small ways to start using your own mind again You can see a hard thing differently than your partner sees it and still stay in the room. Not because you agree. Because you each have enough self to let the other person have a self too. This week’s practice Notice: When do I use my achievements to prop up my sense of self, or even just my mood? When have I focused more on getting love or praise than on developing my own beliefs, principles, or interests? How might I take a little more responsibility for my sense of self this week? And in the moment: stop. Breathe. Ask how the best version of you would want to respond. Try your own thinking before you ask someone to tell you, fix it, or approve it. Mentioned Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E175
September 3 · 29 min
When Your Partner Feels Like a Threat - Relationship Anxiety Explained
If you don’t think you have anxiety, this episode is probably for you. A lot of us hear “anxiety” and picture someone who worries all day and imagines every disaster. That is not how it usually shows up in marriage. In close relationships, anxiety often looks like defensiveness, shutting down, fixing, blaming, or making your partner the problem. In this episode, we reframe anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. That threat system is useful. It is supposed to help you stay alive. The trouble is that humans don’t just react to actual danger. We can invent it. We can turn disagreement, feedback, or feeling misunderstood into a bear. Drawing on ideas from Dr. Kathleen Smith’s book Everything Isn’t Terrible, we talk about: Why reactivity is an anxiety response How we make our partner the threat Why focusing on the other person usually increases anxiety How curiosity helps you override autopilot What it means to respond instead of react You are never going to become a robot who never gets triggered. That is not the goal. The goal is to slow down long enough to ask, “What’s the real story here?” Not every alarm is a fire. Sometimes it is just feedback. This week’s practice Observe: When does my anxiety perceive danger where there is none? When do I focus on or blame my partner, and how does that increase my anxiety? Then get more curious: How does focusing on the other person conflict with who I want to be? How does responding to imagined danger affect my relationship? Where can I practice focusing on my side of the street this week? Mentioned Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E174
August 26 · 22 min
Why “AND” Changes Hard Conversations
One of the smallest words in English can quietly change the emotional climate of a marriage. In this episode, we talk about the difference between “but” and “and.” “But” often cancels whatever came before it. “And” lets two truths stand side by side. This is not a dramatic new technique. It is a simple linguistic shift that helps couples stay on the same side of the problem — in hard conversations, in parenting, and in the first conversation that happens inside your own head. We also look at how a childhood diet of hard “No” can shape rigid “No adults,” how shame thinks in either/or, and how the Wise Adult posture sounds in real time. In This Episode Why “but” undercuts ownership and makes the second half of the sentence the only point How “and” holds two realities at once without forcing one to erase the other Either/or thinking vs both/and (dialectical) thinking Adaptive Child vs Wise Adult — rigidity vs flexibility Paul Zohav’s idea of “No adults” and the relational cost of growing up without enough “and” How to bridge a “No” with an “And” without abandoning your needs The most important place to practice “and”: the conversation in your own head The shame mantra: “I’m enough and I matter despite…” Everyday sentence swaps for plans, mental load, repair, and money Key Takeaways You can own your part and name the impact. You can hold a boundary and honor the other person’s experience. You can regret something and still be enough. Marriage is full of moments where two true things are happening at the same time. “And” is one of the simplest ways to practice that kind of maturity. Practice This Week Notice. For three days, just catch how often you use “but” when feelings, responsibility, or need are involved. Write a few down. Practice the internal version. When shame or harsh self-talk shows up, insert an “and.” Try: “I’m enough and I matter despite…” Use it once out loud. Choose one lower-stakes conversation and deliberately hold two truths with “and.” Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/ If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note through masteryourmarriage.us. If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E173
August 19 · 33 min
Empathy: The Antidote to Contempt
We just spent two episodes looking at contempt—the number one predictor of divorce. One of the clearest takeaways is this: empathy and contempt cannot live in the same room. When contempt is operating, we elevate ourselves. Disgust and superiority crowd out our capacity to stay present with the person we claim to love the most. And when we lose that presence, we start wounding each other without fully seeing it. In this episode, Sharla unpacks empathy as the skill that stands opposite to contempt. Drawing from Nonviolent Communication, she offers a clear definition, clears up common confusions about what empathy is (and isn’t), walks through the three essentials of how to actually do it, and names the three situations where empathy is hardest. The episode ends with a practical exercise you can use this week to start rebuilding the muscle. In this episode you’ll learn: Why empathy and contempt cannot coexist A clean definition of empathy: giving full presence and sensing what is alive in the other person What empathy is not (sympathy, advice, “I understand,” correcting, and agreeing) The three essentials: Being Present, Focusing on the Now, and Sensing Feelings & Needs How to stay present with harsh words, a closed-off partner, and hearing “No” A simple written exercise (the Emotion Shifting Exercise) to practice shifting from judgment toward compassion Free Resource Download the Emotion Shifting Exercise worksheet here This week’s challenge Pick one recent moment where you felt judgment, superiority, or flat toward your partner. Do the Emotion Shifting Exercise with it. Notice what shifts in your body and perspective. Empathy will not fix everything. But without it, almost nothing else we try will last. It is the soil that repair, intimacy, and lasting closeness grow in. If this episode was useful, would you leave a five-star review and share one thing that landed for you? And if someone in your life needs this conversation, please share it with them. For coaching or to practice these skills live with your partner, reach out at masteryourmarriage.us.
S1 · E172
August 12 · 29 min
How to Build a Contempt-Free Marriage -- Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce!
Last week we named the problem: contempt is addictive, corrosive, and the #1 predictor of divorce. This week we take up the harder question—how do we actually walk away from it? We open with an honest look at whether it’s possible to keep a largely contempt-free marriage while still participating in a culture that runs on contempt. The short answer: not in any deep or sustainable way. Contempt is a habit of mind, and habits don’t stay neatly contained. What we practice outside the home eventually shapes the atmosphere inside it. From there we get practical. Drawing from Arthur Brooks’ Love Your Enemies, John Gottman’s research, and real marriage experience, we walk through six concrete steps for starving the contempt habit and practicing warm-heartedness—especially at home. In this episode we discuss: Why you can’t fully separate “contempt out there” from “contempt at home” The quiet fears that grow in a spouse when contempt is part of the atmosphere Treating your marriage as the laboratory for change The 5-to-1 rule and why it matters Making a personal rule that contempt is never justified Real moral courage: standing up for people who believe differently than you Staying curious instead of assuming the worst Reducing exposure to outrage culture Using moments of contempt as practice opportunities This episode is about direction, not perfection. The goal is to begin walking away from contempt—on purpose, over time—starting with the person who knows you best. Book mentioned: Love Your Enemies by Arthur Brooks Related episode: The Addiction of Contempt Get in Touch Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage
S1 · E171
July 29 · 31 min
The Addiction of Contempt
In this episode, we unpack one of the most destructive forces in modern relationships: contempt. Drawing from Arthur Brooks’ book Love Your Enemies, we explore why contempt is not just a communication problem—but an addictive pattern that is quietly eroding marriages, families, and our sense of belonging. We look at the difference between anger and contempt, the brain chemistry that makes contempt feel rewarding in the short term, and the research showing how costly it becomes over time. We also examine the loneliness epidemic, particularly among younger generations, and how a culture of contempt may be one of the hidden drivers behind our growing disconnection. This episode focuses on awareness. Next week, we’ll get practical and ask a harder question: Is it possible to build a marriage and home largely free of contempt while still living in a culture that constantly invites us into it? In this episode, we discuss: Why contempt may be one of the most addictive relational patterns in our culture The Vietnam War heroin study and what it reveals about our need for real connection The difference between anger and contempt John Gottman’s research on contempt as the strongest predictor of divorce The physical and emotional costs of living with chronic contempt Motive attribution asymmetry and why political division feels so personal Why so many of us hate the division… yet keep participating in it Book mentioned: Love Your Enemies by Arthur Brooks Next episode: We’ll explore whether it’s possible to keep contempt out of our closest relationships while still engaging with a culture that runs on it—and what that practice actually looks like. Get in Touch Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
S1 · E170
July 22 · 24 min
Breaking the Silent Treatment: How to End the Silence and Reconnect in Your Marriage
We’ve all heard (or said) those loaded words: “We need to talk.” For most of us, they immediately trigger defensiveness and dread. But what happens when conversations stop altogether? In this replay episode, we explore the difference between healthy silence and the damaging silent treatment, why it’s so harmful to your marriage, and practical ways to break the silence and start reconnecting. Whether you’re currently experiencing emotional distance, stonewalling, or a full-blown demand-withdrawal pattern, this conversation offers hope and actionable steps. We discuss real client situations, common pitfalls, and how to approach hard topics without triggering another fight. Key Topics Covered: The critical difference between a productive “adult time-out” and the silent treatment How the silent treatment functions as a form of emotional control or abuse Why research shows the silent treatment activates the same brain areas as physical pain Practical scripts and strategies to name the silence and turn toward each other again The power of “I” statements and acknowledging fear to rebuild connection If silence has been growing in your relationship, this episode will help you take that first brave step back toward one another. Key Takeaways Silence can be golden when it’s a mutual agreement to revisit the conversation later. The silent treatment is a refusal to engage at all. The silent treatment leaves the other person feeling rejected, unimportant, and unloved — and over time it erodes trust and intimacy. Avoiding conflict doesn’t work. Unspoken issues build until there’s no emotional energy left to fight for the marriage. The best way to break the silence is to name it out loud, using vulnerable “I” statements and acknowledging your fears. Small, consistent efforts to turn toward each other are what keep couples from drifting apart. Resources & Further Reading Meta-analysis on the demand/withdraw pattern: Schrodt, P., Witt, P., & Shimkowski, J. (2014). Communication Monographs Additional research: NCBI article on the silent treatment and its effects Connect With Us Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: @masteryourmarriage Facebook: Master Your Marriage Looking for personalized support? Schedule a free 30-minute discovery call at masteryourmarriage.us — we work with couples ready to do the real work of repair.
S1 · E169
July 16 · 30 min
Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem - And How to Fix It
Most of us get defensive without even realizing it — and it’s one of the fastest ways connection breaks down in marriage. In this episode, we explore why defensiveness is actually a self-esteem issue at its core. We break down how defensiveness shows up differently depending on whether you’re coming from shame (one-down) or grandiosity (one-up), and why neither position allows for real repair or intimacy. Sharla shares a personal story from her own life and explains how healthy self-esteem gives us the ability to feel proportionate guilt without collapsing into shame. You’ll also get a simple, practical intervention you can use in the moment — including a physical technique and two powerful mantras — to help you move out of defensiveness and back into “same as” with your partner. If you’ve ever felt like you get defensive even when you don’t want to, this episode will help you understand why… and give you tools to actually change it. In This Episode: Why defensiveness is a symptom of distorted self-esteem The difference between one-up (grandiosity) and one-down (shame) defensiveness How grandiosity blinds us to the impact we have on others What healthy self-esteem actually looks like in real moments A simple body-based intervention to get out of defensiveness Two mantras to help you return to “same as” Journaling prompts to help you notice and interrupt defensiveness faster Key Tools & Practices: Physical Centering Technique: Pull yourself up from shame or down from grandiosity until you feel centered and “same as.” Mantra for Shame: “I’m enough and I matter despite…” Mantra for Grandiosity: “Each person has inherent worth. No one more than. No one less than.” This week’s journaling prompts to track your defensiveness patterns Action Step This Week: The next time you feel defensiveness rising, try the physical centering move with one of the mantras. Then journal: What triggered it? Was it more one-up or one-down? Did the intervention help? Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: @masteryourmarriage Facebook: Master Your Marriage If this episode helped you, please leave a comment or review and share it with someone who needs it.
S1 · E168
July 10 · 4 min
Mini Episode: Real Self Esteem, Shame & Grandiosity (Listener Questions)
In this quick mid-week bonus episode, Sharla answers two listener questions from our current series on Real Self Esteem and the distortions of shame and grandiosity. We explore: Why you can feel confident and know your worth, yet still hear harsh critical voices from your parents How to pursue excellence and high performance without falling into grandiosity or one-up-ness The different “parts” of us (healthy adult vs. adaptive child) and why this matters These short bonus episodes are our new way of answering your questions in a more casual format between full episodes. Have a question? Send it to masteryourmarriage@gmail.com — we may feature it next week! Stay tuned for next week’s full episode where we’ll go deeper into practical tools for this work.
S1 · E167
July 8 · 29 min
How Adapting to Trauma Wires Us for Shame
This is part two of our shame series. Be sure to listen to last week's episode for an introduction into shame and how it relates to self-esteem. In this episode, we go deeper into the real reason shame and grandiosity show up in our relationships. We explore how early childhood experiences shape a part of our psyche called the Adaptive Child — the part that learned to survive through fight, flight, or fix strategies. You’ll learn why these once-brilliant survival patterns often become the very thing that keeps us stuck in shame cycles as adults. We break down the three parts of the psyche, how trauma gets stored in the Adaptive Child, and what it actually takes to re-parent that younger part of ourselves with compassion and firmness. If you’ve ever wondered why your reactions feel so automatic and intense in relationships, or why “just loving yourself” hasn’t worked, this episode will give you the missing piece. In this episode, you’ll discover: The three parts of the psyche and why most of us spend our adult lives in the Adaptive Child How fight, flight, or fix becomes your default survival strategy Why the Adaptive Child carries and replays shame and grandiosity How childhood trauma (big or small) wires these patterns into your nervous system The powerful truth that shame and grandiosity are actually the same emotion pointed in two different directions How to begin re-parenting your Adaptive Child so it no longer runs your relationships Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
S1 · E166
July 2 · 25 min
The Shame Cycle That’s Hurting Your Marriage
Most of us are walking around with a relationship to ourselves that is pretty dysfunctional — and we don’t even realize it. We bounce back and forth between shame and grandiosity, sometimes minute by minute, and this constant internal cycle quietly damages our marriages. In this first episode of our new series, we unpack what real self-esteem actually is, how shame and grandiosity act as two sides of the same coin, and why so much of the disconnection in our relationships actually starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. We also introduce the three types of “outside-in” (or pseudo) self-esteem that many of us unknowingly rely on. If you’ve ever felt like you’re not enough one minute and superior the next — or wondered why connection with your partner sometimes feels so hard — this episode will give you language for what’s actually happening. What You’ll Learn in This Episode: Why shame and grandiosity are both distortions of real self-esteem (and how they show up in marriage) The difference between inside-out self-esteem and the “outside-in” versions we often rely on The three types of outside-in (pseudo) self-esteem: performance-based, others-based, and attribute-based Why we bounce between shame and grandiosity — and how this “cycle” affects the safety and closeness in our relationships The very first step to interrupting the pattern: building awareness through a simple noticing practice Your Practice This Week: Keep a simple Noticing Journal for the next 1–2 weeks. Each time you notice your internal state shifting (especially around your spouse), jot down: What just happened? (the trigger) What did you notice in your body first? What emotion was underneath? What thought ran through your mind? No fixing. No judgment. Just noticing. Next Week: In Episode 2, we go much deeper into the shame side of this equation — what it actually looks like in real marriage, how it shows up differently for different people, and what we can do when that one-down feeling takes over. Connect With Us: Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/
S1 · E165
June 24 · 23 min
Why Therapy Often Falls Short - Even When It’s Good Therapy
Many people do deep, sincere work in therapy and gain real insight into their patterns — yet they still find themselves repeating the same painful cycles in their relationships. In this episode, we explore why insight alone often fails to create lasting change and what actually helps us respond differently when we’re triggered. Drawing from the work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy, we unpack the three parts of ourselves that show up in moments of conflict and why building the capacity to shift between them is essential for real transformation. In This Episode Why so many people feel like therapy “didn’t work,” even after doing significant personal work The gap between knowing why we react and actually responding differently in the moment The three parts of you: the Wise Adult, the Wounded Child, and the Adaptive Child Why the Adaptive Child’s survival strategies often override our best intentions The difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches — and why both are often needed A simple, practical practice you can start using today to build “second consciousness” A personal story that illustrates what it looks like when someone finally chooses a different response Key Takeaways Insight is valuable, but it’s often not enough to interrupt deeply wired patterns when we’re activated. Many adults spend a large portion of their life operating from their Adaptive Child rather than their Wise Adult. Real change happens in the present moment — not while talking about the past. Recovery is active, moment-to-moment work that requires noticing when the Adaptive Child has taken over and gently inviting the Wise Adult back online. Both strengthening the Wise Adult and reducing the intensity of old trauma are important for lasting change. Practical Action Steps Try this simple practice the next time you notice yourself getting reactive: Take a slower, intentional breath (try the 4-7-8 breath: inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8). Gently ask yourself: Which part of me is running right now? Am I in my Adaptive Child, or is my Wise Adult available? What would my Wise Adult want to do differently? This week, keep a short journal and note moments when you noticed yourself in your Adaptive Child. Awareness is where choice begins. Resources Mentioned Work of Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy Viktor Frankl’s quote on the space between stimulus and response Thomas Hübl’s teaching: “To observe is to have choice” Get in Touch Website: MasterYourMarriage.us Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MasterYourMarriage/

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