Skip to content
Sign inOpen the app
Artwork for Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet
Comedy

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

PodcastOne

A comedy podcast featuring dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by real people with not-so-real problems. Hosted by siblings Xandy and Christine Schiefer.

SubscribePlay latestOpen in podnodRSS feedShow website
  • 20 episodes
  • Updated Wednesday
  • Explicit

Episodes20

Newest first
  • Wednesday · 54 min

    401: Reviews of Fitness Trackers

    Two people wanted to vomit and no one did. For a limited time get 40% off your first Hungryroot order PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com/beachtoosandy and use code BEACHTOOSANDY. Go to zenni.com/podcast15 and use code PODCAST15 for fifteen percent off your first order, plus free shipping on all US orders over $65. Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that’s actually covered by insurance. Visit rula.com/beachtoosandy to get started. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beach. See if you could save when you switch to Progressive. You’ll feel good about making a savvy choice. Visit Progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back. Shop now at fabletics.com/beach to get 70- 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • July 29 · 1 hr

    400: Reviews of Summer Camps

    If they don't care about ducks, they don't care about you either. All you need is the idea. Shopify handles the rest. Start your free trial at shopify.com/toosandy. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/beachtoosandy. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • July 22 · 51 min

    399: Reviews of Running Shoes

    How do you think shoes feel about being entered by feet? Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beach. Upgrade your sleep with Boll & Branch. Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at bollandbranch.com/toosandy with code TOOSANDY Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • July 15 · 59 min

    398: Reviews of Diners with  Jessie "Jetski" Johnson

    A cucumber is not an avocado. Watch Jet Fuel Podcast at https://www.youtube.com/@jetskijohnson and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts! Go to quince.com/beachtoosandy for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY. For a limited time our listeners are getting a FREE full sized Mascara on their first purchase with Jones Road Beauty when they go to jonesroadbeauty.com and use code BEACHTOOSANDY at checkout. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy. For a limited time, new Cash App customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code FAMILY10 to earn $10. Download Cash App, enter the referral code in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you will receive $10. Terms apply. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • July 8 · 56 min

    397: Reviews of Lululemon

    Statistically speaking you're probably no longer a listener. If your glasses are overdue for a refresh, now is the time. Go to zenni.com/podcast and use code PODCAST15 for 15% off your first order. Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that’s actually covered by insurance. Visit Rula.com/beachtoosandy to get started. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beach. Go to shopremi.com/beach and use code BEACH at checkout for 50% off with Remi Club Subscribe & Save. For a limited time get 40% off your first Hungryroot order PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com/beachtoosandy and use code BEACHTOOSANDY. Shop now at fabletics.com/beach to get 70- 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • July 1 · 1 hr 1 min

    396: Reviews of Energy Drinks

    This stuff literally tastes like blue cheese and smells like cat piss. Donate to Smoking Werewolf Productions - Fright Film 2026! https://gofund.me/5766bf50d Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • June 24 · 58 min

    395: Reviews of Bath & Body Works

    Nothing about carrots makes me think bougie See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • June 17 · 50 min

    394: Reviews of Raising Cane's

    Soggy White Bread was my nickname in high school. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • June 10 · 49 min

    393: Reviews of Costco

    If they remove the froyo it'll make my life a living hell. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • June 3 · 55 min

    392: Reviews of Shakespeare or Smut

    Shakespeare coined that term hangy downy bits. Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy for 50% OFF your first box and free dessert for life! Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to myskylight.com/beach. Visit progressive.com and give the Name Your Price® tool a try. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beach See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • May 27 · 1 hr 20 min

    391: Reviews of Smut

    Hyperspermia, which was new to me Visit Progressive.com and give the Name Your Price® tool a try. For a limited time, Honeylove is offering up to 50% off sitewide during their Memorial Day sale. Use our exclusive link to shop at honeylove.com/beachtoosandy. Go to shopremi.com/beach and use code BEACH at checkout for 50% off with Remi Club Subscribe & Save. Start your business today with the industry’s best business partner, Shopify. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at shopify.com/toosandy. Go to zenni.com/podcast and use code PODCAST15 for fifteen percent off your first order. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • May 20 · 47 min

    390: Reviews of Shakespeare

    Get thee to a gnomery! Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter code BEACHTOOSANDY. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy. Head to quince.com/beachtoosandy for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • May 13 · 41 min

    389: Reviews of YMCAs

    Look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • April 29 · 34 min

    387: Reviews of 7-Eleven

    Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • April 22 · 42 min

    386: Reviews of Umbrellas

    Rumors have gotten started that I have irritable bowel syndrome. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • April 8 · 44 min

    384: Reviews of Airport Shops

    Sarah what the fuck is your problem? See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • April 1 · 54 min

    383: Reviews of Easter Egg Hunts

    She could probably beat up some seven year olds and she could definitely beat up some zero year olds See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

  • March 25 · 46 min

    382: Reviews of Allergy Meds

    Aries are going through it right now See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.