Asking For A Friend - Timely Issues. Timeless Torah.

Kehillas Federation

Asking For A Friend is a podcast where real life dilemmas meet clear, thoughtful Torah perspective.

Hosted by Mena Reisner, each episode features conversations with Rabbi Zimmerman, Dayan Hool, or Dayan Posen, Rabbonim with decades of experience in mediation, dinei Torah, shidduchim, family dynamics, business disputes, and the complex situations people face every day.

It’s not personal psak and it’s not a shiur.
Just honest, grounded discussion on the issues people grapple with behind closed doors, and how timeless Torah principles guide us through them.

New episodes every two weeks.
Questions or suggestions: podcast@federation.org.uk.

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19 episodes
Updated July 12

Episodes19

Newest first

July 12 · 1 hr 19 min
#18: Why Don't I Feel the Churban? - with Rabbi Zimmerman
As the Three Weeks give way to the Nine Days and Tisha B'Av, Jewish life changes dramatically. The music stops, celebrations become more restrained, and we begin mourning the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. But what are we actually meant to be feeling? Why should we mourn something that happened nearly 2,000 years ago? What was truly lost, and what is the avodah of these weeks? In this episode, Rabbi Zimmerman explores the meaning behind the Three Weeks, the real definition of sinas chinam, what it means to believe in the Geulah, how to approach Tisha B'Av, and how each of us can play a part in bringing the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash closer. A timely and practical conversation to help transform the Three Weeks from a period we simply observe into one we genuinely understand. Timestamps: [0:01:46]–[0:06:31] – Three Weeks as opportunity, not just restriction [0:04:40]–[0:06:31] – Halacha as a “license” to mourn and yearn for Yerushalayim [0:06:31]–[0:09:11] – Avodah when you don’t “feel” the Churban [0:09:20]–[0:11:18] – Halachic framework of aveilus enabling everyone to mourn [0:11:28]–[0:14:27] – Churban as current reality, not only history [0:14:27]–[0:20:54] – What sinas chinam really is and how to work on it [0:23:18]–[0:28:05] – Torah: beyond “how-to” — valuing Torah itself [0:28:05]–[0:35:42] – Growing necessity and role of tefillah today [0:35:42]–[0:43:43] – Belief in and daily anticipation of Geulah/Moshiach [0:43:43]–[0:50:35] – How our broken generation can still bring Geulah [0:51:00]–[0:53:46] – Purpose of the Tisha B’Av fast: teshuvah like Yom Kippur [0:53:54]–[1:00:47] – Using kinnot and modern tragedies to understand and repair [1:00:47]–[1:02:13] – Personal bakashos and their root in geulah consciousness [1:02:33]–[1:07:24] – How to approach Tisha B’Av day; the Kaddish mashal [1:08:00]–[1:11:45] – Building ahavas Yisrael by expanding the self [1:11:45]–[1:16:12] – Shabbos Nachamu and the nature of nechama [1:16:50]–[1:18:39] – Final message: mourning as immediate kirvas Hashem
July 5 · 1 hr 13 min
#17: "You Can Win in Business and Still Lose in Halacha" - with Dayan Posen
Can you leave your job and take your clients with you? If you transform your father's business, who really owns that success? When does healthy competition cross the line, and can schools or businesses actively poach staff? In this episode of Asking for a Friend, Dayan Posen explores some of the most practical and misunderstood areas of Choshen Mishpat. From employees and employers to family businesses, partnerships and competition, we examine where halacha draws the line between legitimate business practice and unfair conduct. Whether you're an employee, employer, business owner or simply interested in Torah's approach to business ethics, this episode offers practical guidance on navigating the workplace with integrity, fairness and emunah. Timestamps: **00:00–02:10** – Intro to the podcast, new Cheish Mishpat series, and definitions of *oni ha‑mehapech* & *hasagas gevul*. **02:38–03:47** – Core scenario: Reuven the long‑term employee vs Shimon the employer; ultimatum of partnership or leaving with clients. **05:58–08:10** – Employee’s mindset: “I built this; I want to own something for my family.” **08:10–10:46** – “Partner in profits” explained as **commission, not real ownership**; crop‑share analogy. **10:46–13:22** – Pros and cons of profit‑share: good incentive but no true security or equity. **13:22–16:54** – Leaving and taking clients: contracts, non‑compete/non‑solicit; whose clients are they? **16:54–22:22** – Source and nature of *oni ha‑mehapech* in Chazal; being called a *rasha*; public “naming and shaming” in theory. **23:47–29:08** – Practical application: approaching former employer’s clients, direct vs indirect; general advertising vs targeted contact. **29:08–32:36** – WhatsApp status, circulars, email farewell messages – what’s allowed, what’s too direct. **32:36–35:12** – Employers’ fear of training someone who later “takes the business”; possibility of halachic contracts. **35:12–42:08** – Poaching rabbeim/teachers; *metziah* concept; Ashkenazi vs Sefardi angles; *ba’al nefesh yachmir*. **42:08–48:02** – Fisherman/net story; when competition crosses into destroying someone’s parnassa. **48:02–56:22** – *Hasagas gevul* today: normal competition vs wiping out a niche business; monopolies and community benefit. **57:25–01:04:52** – Family business case: child grows parents’ business, ownership, siblings, and inheritance tensions. **01:04:52–01:09:07** – Children asking parents about expectations; importance of written clarity in family businesses. **01:09:07–01:13:19** – Closing hashkafa: *nasata v’nasata be’emunah*, link to learning the halachos, business as a daily arena for emunah.
June 23 · 11 min
#16: Electric Scooters: "In My Opinion, It's Absolutely Ossur" - with Rabbi Zimmerman
Electric scooters have become a familiar sight in many communities. For some, they're a convenient way to get to school, shiurim, friends' houses and local activities. For others, they're a growing source of concern. In this special mini episode, Rabbi S F Zimmerman addresses one of the most discussed topics affecting children, teenagers and parents today. Are electric scooters simply a modern convenience, or is there a deeper issue at stake? How should parents respond when "everyone in the class has one"? Who bears responsibility – parents, schools, rabbonim, or the wider community? And what should a family do if a child has already spent hundreds of pounds of Bar Mitzvah money on a scooter? A concise but important discussion offering Daas Torah and practical guidance on a topic generating debate across the UK, the USA and beyond. Sponsored anonymously by someone who believes this episode could save lives.
June 21 · 1 hr 5 min
#15: The King's Visit: A Torah Perspective - With Dayan Hool
When King Charles III recently visited Golders Green, hundreds of members of the local Jewish community lined the streets to catch a glimpse of the monarch. The visit sparked widespread discussion: why does Yiddishkeit place such importance on kings and royalty, and what is the Torah perspective on monarchy in the modern world? In this special episode, Dayan Hool explores the halachic and hashkafic questions raised by the King's visit. Can one make a brachah upon seeing King Charles? Should a person make a special effort to see a king? What is the concept of כבוד מלכות? Can one shake the King's hand? And why is Hashem so often described throughout our tefillos as a King? Drawing on sources from Chazal, Halachah and Jewish history, this fascinating discussion sheds light on a topic that captured the attention of so many in the community and reveals what earthly kingship can teach us about מלכות שמים. Timestamps: 00:00 – Intro: King Charles visits Golders Green 01:09 – Why frum Jews are excited to see a king 03:17 – The brocha on seeing Jewish and non‑Jewish monarchs 06:03 – Does the brocha apply to King Charles III and presidents? 09:50 – Can a monarchy be abolished? Acceptance by the people 16:14 – Seeing the king from afar: entourage, cars, and the brocha 22:31 – How often can you say the brocha on a king? 23:33 – Must you go out to see a king? Bitul Torah and mitzvah 29:30 – Kavod malchus: honoring even non‑Jewish and wicked kings 36:13 – Shaking hands with royalty: halacha and real‑world strategies 43:28 – Praying for the welfare of the kingdom in golus 50:29 – Queen Wilhelmina and the Munkatcher Rebbe 54:23 – Dutch royalty, Rav Katz, and modern royal brachos 1:00:00 – Why we call Hashem “Melech”: kindness and authority 1:04:06 – Dina de’malchusa dina and UK land law 1:05:20 – Closing: Malchus shel chesed and Malchus Shamayim
June 7 · 1 hr 2 min
#14: Nisyonos (II): When the Nisoyon Never Ends - with Rabbi Zimmerman
In Part 2 of our discussion on nisyonos, Rabbi Zimmerman explores some of the most relevant and challenging questions facing people today. Can pressure from family, school or community become a nisayon in its own right? Is questioning Hashem always a weakness in emunah, or can honest struggle sometimes deepen a person's relationship with Him? We discuss whether wealth and success can be as great a test as poverty and hardship, how to cope with challenges that feel constant and never-ending, and whether shielding children from difficulty truly protects them or leaves them unprepared for life. We also examine whether people should search for reasons behind suffering, and how to navigate uncertainty, responsibility, mental health, and personal growth through a Torah perspective. Timestamps: 0:00:00 – Introduction, recap of Part 1, framing Part 2 (modern struggles) 0:01:05 – Expectations, spiritual burden, joy vs obligation in mitzvos 0:05:04 – Personal enjoyment in avodas Hashem; “cog in the system” and individuality 0:08:19 – Each person’s unique purpose and contribution 0:08:46 – Balancing bitachon with hishtadlus; avoiding denial / toxic positivity 0:12:34 – Questioning Hashem, anger, and honest relationship with Hashem 0:19:10 – Modern nisyonos vs previous generations; changing Yetzer Hara 0:24:38 – Wealth and poverty as different tests; emotional equilibrium 0:27:32 – Never-ending struggles (e.g., shemiras einayim); value of the battle itself 0:30:09 – Children and chinuch; sharing struggles with kids appropriately 0:38:11 – Emotional/psychological struggles vs mental health conditions; seeking help 0:41:37 – Destigmatizing mental health; communal responsibility 0:44:26 – How much we’re responsible for others’ suffering; healthy boundaries 0:47:20 – Searching for “reasons” for suffering; middah k’neged middah and introspection 0:52:00 – Uncertainty in major life decisions; advice vs personal responsibility 0:58:15 – Finding meaning in nisyonos; Avraham’s legacy and our spiritual DNA 1:02:12 – Closing remarks and podcast wrap-up
May 24 · 55 min
#13: Nisyonos (I): Why Are Some Lives Harder Than Others? - with Rabbi Zimmerman
In Part One of this two part series on Nisyonos, we explore one of life’s biggest questions: why does Hashem test people? Together they discuss whether all suffering is considered a nisayon, why some people appear to face greater hardships than others, the struggle of unanswered tefillos, and why bitachon can feel strong in some areas of life yet weak in others. A thoughtful and honest conversation on faith, struggle and spiritual growth. Timestamps: - 0:00:00 — Intro and episode topic: Nisyonas (suffering/tests) - 0:01:31 — Three categories of hardship introduced: Aynish, Tafkid, Nisyonas - 0:05:13 — Discussion on how to discern type of hardship; common default = punishment - 0:08:00 — Purposes of Nisyonas: reward, reveal potential, show faith to others (Akedah example) - 0:11:00 — Physical vs. spiritual tests; hardest are choices between two good options - 0:18:05 — Prioritizing long-term mitzvah “investments” (learning with children, shalom bayit) - 0:26:18 — Role of tefilah: praise, gratitude, requests; different views on effects of prayer - 0:29:30 — Emotional processing of seemingly unanswered prayers; “not yet” and stored credit ideas - 0:35:00 — Why some suffer more: gilgulim, tikkun, soul capacities; tailored tests - 0:44:00 — Importance of community/support vs. suffering alone - 0:47:55 — Free will vs. divine foreknowledge: different frameworks and implications - 0:52:48 — Human cruelty within divine orchestration and moral accountability - 0:55:14 — Closing and preview of Part Two
May 10 · 1 hr 37 min
#12: Bikur Cholim: What It Really Means to Show Up - With Dayan Posen
A wide-ranging conversation with Dayan Posen exploring the mitzvah of bikur cholim in today’s world, from the halachic foundations of visiting the sick to mental health, trauma response, community support, and the balance between practical help and genuine human presence. The discussion covers what meaningful care really looks like in an age of constant communication, and how small actions can make a profound difference to patients and their families. Timestamps: - 0:00:00 – Intro, technical note about previous episode; episode focus announced (Bikur Cholim with Daim Posen) - 0:01:47 – Guest (Daim Posen) greeting - 0:01:49–0:06:10 – Core halachic sources and purpose of Bikur Cholim; best times to visit (avoid first/last 3 hours) - 0:06:10–0:11:57 – Scope of the mitzvah, limits, reading the room, and risks of causing distress - 0:11:57–0:16:00 – Contagious illness, enemies visiting, and modern communications (phone/video/text) as partial substitutes - 0:16:00–0:21:57 – Benefits of in-person visits; impact on hospital care and staff perception - 0:21:57–0:31:08 – How to speak with patients, defensive attribution, and aim to uplift/encourage (Gemilas Chesed) - 0:31:08–0:38:54 – Respecting patient/family wishes, privacy, and when to prioritize next-of-kin support - 0:38:54–0:46:58 – Community vs. individual responsibility; kehillah rotas and organized welfare support - 0:46:58–0:50:27 – Gender considerations and modesty when visiting; emotional boundaries - 0:50:27–1:00:30 – Mental health as Bikur Cholim: parity with physical illness, emotional support, stigma reduction - 1:00:30–1:09:01 – Practical guidance for supporting those with mental health struggles (boundaries, presence) - 1:09:01–1:16:42 – Crisis/trauma response overview; SITS crisis teams and trained volunteers (Rabbi Dr. Fox training) - 1:16:42–1:24:09 – Handling children, age‑appropriate explanations, and preparing for hospital visits - 1:24:09–1:31:08 – Role and timing of Tehillim (in-person vs. remote); WhatsApp Tehillim groups’ impact - 1:31:08–1:35:31 – Authenticity in performing the mitzvah (anonymity, intention) and differences from tzedakah - 1:35:31–1:36:40 – Closing thoughts: presence, empathy, Miriam/Moshe story, final blessings and thanks
April 26 · 56 min
#11: Tzedokah (II): The Way We Give Has Changed - For Better or Worse? With Rabbi Zimmerman
Tzedakah today looks very different to how it once did. But has that change improved the way we give, or complicated it? This episode addresses real-world dilemmas: If your child has a negative experience with an institution, can you redirect your support elsewhere? Do you need to verify every collector, or can you rely on communal trust? Is giving smaller amounts to many causes a practical solution, or does it dilute the impact of the mitzvah? The discussion also tackles prioritisation, how to choose between multiple urgent needs and whether family always comes first. Are fundraising commissions a necessary part of modern charity, or a distortion of its purpose? A clear and nuanced look at how tzedakah is evolving and how to navigate it responsibly. Timestamps: - 0:00 Intro & series overview - 0:27 Difference: tzedokah (reactive) vs Ma'aser (proactive) - 2:08 Affordability & basic needs (poskim discussion) - 3:50 Rambam, Shulchan Aruch, Vilna Gaon on status/limits - 6:00 Hazaka/makirah and long-term support - 9:05 Hakarat hatov (gratitude) and prioritization - 10:00 Spousal decisions & whose money rules - 13:10 School fees vs. charity; tuition as obligation vs donation - 16:04 Education obligations (v’shinan/v’limachem) and tutors - 17:21 Sponsor: AAC mention - 19:44 Vetting collectors; small vs large gifts - 21:38 Small donations (matanah mu’attas) & token amounts - 23:45 Priorities: Talmud Torah, shul/mikvah, poor; communal obligations - 27:37 Recommendation: personal priority spreadsheet - 31:03 Yisachar/Support for Torah learners discussion - 41:03 Fundraising anecdotes & approach to donors - 42:04 Fundraiser commissions and admin-cost norms - 45:00 New charities vs established ones — assess like investments - 46:10 Parents on holiday & unpaid school debts guidance - 47:30 Debtors should prioritize repayment over giving maaser - 48:57 School enrollment pledges: private vs communal difference - 50:00 Closing reflection on communal chesed and lasting value
April 12 · 49 min
#10: Tzedokah (I): So Many Requests - But Who Do You Give To? With Rabbi Zimmerman
In a world of constant appeals, how should a person approach tzedakah with clarity and integrity? This episode explores the practical and ethical tensions behind everyday giving. Is anonymous giving always ideal, or can public donations play an important communal role? Can time, effort, and influence be considered true forms of tzedakah alongside money? Where is the line between legitimate encouragement and uncomfortable pressure? The conversation also examines modern fundraising realities, from luxury dinners to reciprocal giving, and asks whether these practices enhance or undermine the values of tzedakah. Finally, what place, if any, do segulah-based donations have within a Torah framework? A grounded discussion on how to give thoughtfully when the requests never stop. Timestamps: Timestamps: 0:00:00 — Introduction/podcast purpose 0:02:26 — Core purpose of tzedakah (Torah/Gemara/Rambam) 0:10:42 — Misconceptions about tzedakah today 0:11:09–0:13:02 — Action vs. intention in giving 0:13:10–0:15:47 — Anonymous vs. public giving / communal example-setting 0:15:47–0:16:57 — Give many small gifts vs. fewer large gifts 0:16:57–0:21:07 — Time/expertise as tzedakah (including electrician example) 0:21:07–0:24:05 — Cost-saving/bulk-buy example (schools, Pesach supplies) 0:24:05–0:29:55 — Modern campaign pressures, follow-ups, appeals history 0:29:55–0:30:13 — Online campaign mechanics / raffles / “pick a number” comment 0:31:25–0:33:14 — Dinners, luxury fundraising events, and how to apportion personal benefit 0:33:14–0:35:47 — Young families & long-term pledges / cautions about pledging 0:35:47–0:37:00 — Matching campaigns and transparency/norms 0:37:00–0:39:32 — General donor motivations, reciprocity, and not over-scrutinizing 0:39:35–0:41:12 — Using prominent rabbis/roshei yeshiva to increase pressure 0:41:45–0:45:04 — Giving linked to segulot/yeshuah and authenticity of scholars 0:45:04–0:48:39 — Organizations promising yeshuah / transactional tzedakah concerns 0:48:39–0:49:40 — Closing / outro
March 26 · 44 min
#9: Special Episode: Under Attack - How Should We Respond? With Dayan Hool
In the early hours of Monday morning, four Hatzolah ambulances were deliberately set on fire in Golders Green. B''H no one was injured. But the impact has been profound. An attack on Hatzolah, an organisation built entirely on chesed, responding to emergencies for anyone in need, has left the kehilla shaken. In North West London, across the UK, and around the world, people are asking the same questions: how should we process this, how concerned should we be, and what does the Torah expect from us in a moment like this? In this special episode, Dayan Hool addresses the fear, the confusion, and the wider context of rising antisemitism. He explores how to balance hishtadlus with bitochon, whether we are meant to see a message in events like these, and how to respond without being pulled into panic or paralysis. A timely conversation offering clarity, perspective, and a grounded approach to a deeply unsettling moment. Timestamps: 00:00:00 — Intro & incident overview 00:01:27 — Rambam: communal obligation to alert/respond 00:03:25 — Torah guidance on fear (Gulf War anecdote) 00:10:55 — Emunah vs. bitachon 00:18:54 — Balancing precautions with bitachon 00:21:40 — Talking to children / media guidance 00:27:03 — On antisemitism and causes 00:31:39 — Personal & communal teshuvah; security/government role 00:36:06 — Discussion on aliyah / “we’re in golus” 00:40:38 — Message to Hatzala, chesed, unity; closing remarks
March 22 · 1 hr 24 min
#8: Shidduchim (II): Now What? Dating, Doubts and Knowing It’s the Right One: With Dayan Posen
Once a shidduch is underway, the questions only become more complex: how long should it last, how do you navigate doubts, and how do you know when it’s right? In this episode, Dayan Posen addresses the realities of the dating stage, offering guidance on timing, clarity, and decision-making. From the role of parents and outside influence to recognising genuine compatibility, the discussion tackles the pressures and uncertainties that often arise along the way. Clear, practical, and grounded, this conversation helps bring direction and perspective to the most critical stage of the process. Timestamps: - 0:00:00 — Intro; episode context and stage of shidduch (dating begins) - 0:01:21 — Torah/Gemara basis for seeing prospective spouse; purpose of dating - 0:04:35 — Awkwardness of dating; first/second date expectations - 0:08:01 — Dating coaches: pros/cons and when helpful - 0:13:00 — Misinterpretations on dates; examples (car stereo, phone-checking) - 0:16:07 — Discussing dates with others; confidentiality and who to consult - 0:20:37 — Parental pressure vs. giving space; response etiquette after dates - 0:25:23 — Etiquette: not saying no after one date; stages/types of dates - 0:30:55 — Different date styles (fun vs. serious) and what they reveal - 0:31:32 — Number of dates before decision; 4–6 vs. many more - 0:33:32 — Why people date more now; commitment/fear issues - 0:34:56 — Influence of friends’ opinions and peer pressure - 0:37:13 — “Not my type” / personal dealbreakers vs. societal expectations - 0:40:36 — Opposites vs. similarity in personality and compatibility - 0:42:11 — Pre-marriage independence differences (girls vs. yeshiva boys) - 0:45:34 — Impact of women’s careers/stimulation on marriage dynamics - 0:49:45 — Financial considerations, living in Eretz Yisrael, parental support - 0:52:46 — Expectation to live in Eretz Yisrael after marriage; alternatives - 0:55:47 — Discussing long-term location plans during shidduch - 0:59:17 — Anecdote re: commitments and financial changes - 1:01:15 — Compromising standards as one gets older; seek experienced advice - 1:02:18 — How to know if “the right one”: her geisha ha-leiv (heart’s feeling) - 1:06:39 — Managing anxiety before committing; leap of faith - 1:07:40 — Fear of missing a better match; practical grounding - 1:09:04 — Key qualities checklist: hashkafot, middot, smile; then chemistry - 1:11:36 — Debate on asking for photos before meeting; pros/cons - 1:14:43 — Parents seeing photos vs. children; risks of judging by pictures - 1:16:37 — Stigma of working boys vs. kollel; assessing commitment - 1:20:11 — Overall summary: challenges of the shidduch process; closing prayer
March 15 · 1 hr 27 min
#7: Shidduchim (I): Where Do I Begin? With Dayan Posen
Chazal teach that making a shidduch is as difficult as Krias Yam Suf. but what does that mean in practice for families navigating the process today? In this episode, Dayan Posen discusses the early stages of shidduchim: how parents and singles should approach the process, the role of shadchanim, and the importance of entering shidduchim with the right expectations. The conversation explores questions such as what advice parents should hear at the outset, what “realistic expectations” actually mean, whether financial considerations can justify rejecting a suitable match, and the proper guidelines for gathering and sharing information about a prospective shidduch. This is the first part of a two-part discussion on navigating the shidduch process. Timestamps: - 0:00 Intro & episode topic (navigating shidduchim) - 0:02 Dayan Posen; why process feels more complicated - 0:03 Factors: emotions, expectations, waiting; NW London context - 0:07 Choice/market size and cultural dating models - 0:09 Torah metaphors on challenge and gratitude - 0:13 Role/value of shadchanim; success story - 0:21 Emotional toll on shadchanim; halacha/payment issues - 0:32 Parental advice: readiness; open communication - 0:37 Must/important/bonus list; expectations vs. reality - 0:44 Compatibility, age gaps, emotional approach to dating - 1:00 Info gathering: who to ask, confidentiality, trust - 1:26 Urgency differences (boys vs girls); cultural approaches - 1:36 Close & Part 2 announced; pre-dating checklist
March 1 · 1 hr 23 min
#6: A Deep Dive Into Marriage That Every Couple Needs To Hear: With Dayan Hool
In this sixth episode of Asking for a Friend, we continue the marriage series with Dayan Hool, stepping back from day-to-day scenarios to focus on the broader foundations of marriage from a Torah perspective. Building on earlier conversations, this discussion explores what a successful marriage is meant to look like and how couples can work towards it in practice. Drawing on experience, halachic insight, and real-world guidance, the episode frames marriage not as something static, but as an ongoing process of growth and intentional effort. Timestamps: 0:00:00 - Intro / podcast opening 0:00:30 - Topic & episode context (marriage series intro) 0:02:33 - Value of non-Jewish marriage books / Torah perspective 0:05:57 - Can spouses change each other / 0:09:55 - Women's influence vs. men's 0:11:36 - Defining a successful/happy marriage 0:13:43 - Ultimate purpose of marriage / "one flesh" 0:14:44 - Practical differences between men & women 0:19:37 - Emotional harmony vs. duties; goal of marriage 0:24:54 - Duties/needs of each spouse (functional & emotional) 0:34:38 - How husbands demonstrate love / respect leads to love 0:46:12 - Specifics: gifts, clothing, spending for wife 0:49:38 - Involving spouse in life / sharing work worries 0:50:56 - Wife’s obligations to respect husband 1:05:02 - Respect in practice 1:06:44 - Role reversals / breadwinner dynamics and maintaining leadership 1:13:49 - How a wife can change husband (reframing requests vs. instructing) 1:20:58 - Final summary / ongoing Avoda, prayer, closing advice 1:23:07 - Episode closing / call for feedback and Action Items
February 15 · 50 min
#5: Marriage (II): Responsibilities & Outside Influence: With Rabbi Zimmerman
In Part 2 of The Marriage Series, Mena Reisner continues the conversation with Rabbi Zimmerman, focusing on the forces that shape a marriage from the outside as much as from within. The discussion explores how responsibility to a spouse is balanced alongside chesed and communal life, whether men and women have distinct roles within the home, what time apart means for a relationship, how parents should respond when children criticise the other spouse, and how couples navigate tension involving parents and in-laws. A practical Torah conversation about protecting the marriage while managing the many expectations, loyalties, and pressures surrounding it. Timestamps: - 0:00:00 — Intro, episode purpose; marriage as a nisayon (test) - 0:01:55 — Nisayon concept; when to work on marriage vs. leave - 0:03:07 — Balancing chesed (communal work) and family priorities - 0:06:34 — Need for sibuk/fulfillment and balance - 0:08:02 — Who is a “good husband”; middot and helping at home - 0:10:22 — Role changes, spheres of influence, and women working/men learning - 0:14:36 — Household chores, everyday tensions, helping each other - 0:15:32 — Spouses taking trips alone vs. shared time; healthy independence - 0:18:21 — Vatranus from strength vs. weakness; avoiding resentment - 0:20:53 — When giving in becomes damaging; loss of connection - 0:23:39 — Sponsorship mention / memorial - 0:25:13 — Children complaining about a parent; validating feelings vs. undermining - 0:28:37 — Use of third party for parental disagreements - 0:29:39 — In-law/parents interference; halachic considerations for kibbud - 0:33:28 — Responding when partner speaks negatively about parents; validate feelings - 0:36:28 — Sharing marital struggles with friends; discretion and appropriate advisors - 0:38:13 — Truth vs. shalom bayit — not always full openness - 0:41:12 — Respect issues (earnings, abilities); focus on virtues (malus) - 0:43:40 — “Never sleep angry” advice — depends on personalities - 0:45:36 — Preparing couples for marriage; middot as key predictor; post-marriage mentoring - 0:49:48 — Closing, call for listener questions and contact info
February 1 · 1 hr 17 min
#4: Marriage (I): Sholom Bayis in Our Generation: With Rabbi Zimmerman
In the first part of The Marriage Series, Rabbi Zimmerman discusses marriage, sholom bayis, and what building a Jewish home actually requires in real life. Together they explore questions many couples carry but rarely articulate, what a good marriage truly looks like, why so many homes feel under strain, how comparison and expectations affect relationships, how couples deal with recurring conflict, and how hashkafic differences such as tznius and kashrus should be navigated within a home. Please send in questions to podcast@federation.org.uk Timestamps: - 00:00:00 Intro, podcast overview, listener feedback, series framing, episode topic announced (marriage & shalom bayis) - 00:03:02 Rabbi Zimmerman: purpose of marriage, ahava as giving, definition of shalom bayis (harmony) - 00:08:02 Discussion: effort in marriage vs. natural compatibility; symphony analogy for differences - 00:09:29 What a bad marriage looks like (transactional, taker-focused) - 00:10:11 Role of warmth, respect, and mediums that sustain shalom bayis - 00:13:04 Core trait for longevity: thinking about/giving to the other (two givers) - 00:15:07 Should rabbis be involved? Proactive education vs. case triage; rabbi skill sets - 00:23:11 Triage: distinguishing shalom bayis issues from personal/clinical issues - 00:26:15 Blame, entitlement, and the “kugel” analogy (destructive blame patterns) - 00:28:51 Dangers of too many advisory voices; seeking perspective vs. decisions - 00:33:30 When to seek therapy/professional help; targeted goals; asking for help not weakness - 00:38:34 Divorce vs. unhappy marriages: higher divorce rate but similar levels of unhappiness - 00:45:15 Comparisons and social media: harmful, often false benchmarks - 00:50:07 Divorce as last resort; cases where separation may create shalom - 00:53:43 Staying together for children: weigh true benefit vs. harm to children/parents - 01:03:31 Reducing recurring bickering: acceptance, asking halachic guidance, ongoing work - 01:07:56 Hashkafic/minhag differences: coexistence if not harming the other or the children - 01:15:37 Practical examples and closing remarks
January 18 · 47 min
#3: Sibling Rivalry and Family Dynamics: With Dayan Posen
Dayan Posen examines sibling rivalry through a halachic and human lens. Why do siblings compete so intensely for parental attention? How much damage does perceived favouritism cause, even years later? What should parents be careful about at the Shabbos table, around praise, or when helping children differently? And when old grievances resurface in adulthood, is reconciliation always the goal, or are boundaries sometimes healthier? A fascinating discussion on how family dynamics shape children long after they leave the home. Timestamps: 0:00:00 — Intro / episode overview 0:02:13 — Cause of sibling rivalry explained 0:03:35 — Comparison to peer conflicts 0:03:56 — Home as safe space / jealousy effects 0:04:53 — Parents’ limited bandwidth / favoritism question 0:06:08 — Yaakov–Yosef lesson on visible favoritism 0:09:36 — Will case causing family estrangement 0:10:20 — Halachic note on wills / differentiation 0:11:44 — Emotional vs. financial harm discussion 0:12:04 — Discreet parental help vs. public recognition 0:12:31 — Question: treat children equally day-to-day? 0:13:11 — Tailored parenting 0:13:39 — One-on-one time recommendations 0:15:18 — Practical rotation / monthly outings example 0:15:46 — Anecdote about small moments mattering 0:17:19 — Sponsor acknowledgment / dedication 0:17:40 — Remarks about the dedicatee 0:18:14 — Return to topic / impact of distractions 0:19:42 — Shabbos table as educational opportunity 0:22:30 — Managing Shabbos Q&A / tailored quizzes 0:23:26 — Guests vs. prioritizing family time 0:25:12 — Balancing parents’ needs and relationship-building 0:25:42 — Value of sharing real-life stories with children 0:27:29 — Adult grievances / moving on question 0:30:37 — Mediation: misunderstandings / “filling in the dots” 0:31:15 — When to air grievances / sleep on it advice 0:32:08 — Confrontation timing / calm approach 0:32:56 — Discussing issues with parents 0:33:57 — Children questioning favoritism / letter suggestion 0:34:30 — Writing letters as therapeutic tool 0:37:31 — Letters can facilitate dialogue / validation 0:38:44 — Spouses: can help or inflame rifts 0:41:19 — Depth of sibling wounds / impact on self-worth 0:42:07 — Report-card approach: emphasize effort first 0:44:09 — Potential for healing long-standing rifts 0:44:59 — Reconciliation depends on context / toxicity caveat 0:46:19 — Closing / episode wrap-up and call for feedback
January 5 · 1 hr
#2: Getting Your Child Into School Today : With Dayan Hool
Dayan Hool addresses the realities and dilemmas around school admissions today. What can a school reasonably expect from parents? What responsibility does it have to children left without a place? How should families balance what’s right for their child with communal norms, donor influence or social pressure? And when is opening a new school actually the correct solution? A clear, grounded look at an issue that affects almost every frum family. Timestamps [0:00:00] - Podcast Introduction: "Asking for a Friend" Episode 2 [0:00:30] - Dayan Biography: Dayan Hool [0:01:30] - Topic Overview: School Admissions [0:02:30] - Halachic Framework for School Admission Policies [0:12:39] - Parental Behavior and School Admission Criteria [0:36:54] - Handling Children Without School Places [0:48:21] - Discussion on Opening New Schools [0:55:36] - Parents' Strategies for School Admission
Dec 21, 2025 · 1 hr 15 min
#1: Bringing Up Children in Today’s Generation: With Rabbi Zimmerman
In the first episode of Asking for a Friend, Mena Reisner sits down with Rabbi Zimmerman to explore the questions shaping today’s Jewish childhood. Why are so many more children anxious? Has therapy become too normalised? Should parents be concerned about the sheer amount of instant frum entertainment? What should we make of teenagers constantly travelling abroad? And how does a parent respond when a child says, “But everyone in my class has it”? A wide-ranging and honest conversation that opens the series by giving voice to the dilemmas parents think about all the time but rarely discuss openly. Chapters: [0:00:00] Introduction to Podcast and Purpose [0:02:53] Resilience and Adversity in Modern Childhood [0:07:21] Emotional Understanding vs. Emotional Determination [0:09:06] Therapy - Purpose and Pitfalls [0:10:10] Labels and Diagnoses in Modern Education [0:15:31] Spoiled Generations and Parental Influence [0:19:36] Responding to Religious or Educational Drift [0:24:27] Navigating Teenage Trips and Social Pressures [0:58:41] School Selection and Expectations [1:05:36] Defining Success Beyond Traditional Paths [1:12:54] Closing: Back to Basics [1:14:01] Closing Remarks and Listener Invitation
Dec 4, 2025 · 2 min
Introducing: Asking For A Friend
Asking For A Friend is a new podcast from Kehillas Federation, exploring the real questions that come up in everyday life, in halacha, hashkafa, chinuch, relationships, community, and everything in between. Hosted by Mena Reisner, each episode features one of the Federation’s senior Dayonim, Rabbi S. F. Zimmerman, Dayan Posen, or Dayan Hool, offering grounded Torah perspective drawn from years of guiding families and communities. This trailer offers a first look at the conversations to come. New episodes every two weeks. Please email podcast@federation.org.uk with your questions & feedback...