This Is Why We Can't Have A Podcast!

Things That Piss Us Off: Drive-Thrus, Scratch-Offs & TSA! (sometimes...)

What do lottery tickets, Starbucks drive-thrus, Cleveland airport security, and Halloween costumes have in common? THEY'RE ALL TESTING OUR PATIENCE! 😂 This week on This Is Why We Can't Have a Podcast, Jen and Ashten are back with another episode of completely unfiltered conversations, questionable decisions, and the everyday situations that make us lose our minds! Ashten has officially entered her "Things That Piss Me Off" era, and it all starts with a woman buying what seems like an endless supply of scratch-off lottery tickets. Meanwhile, Jen has a full-blown Starbucks drive-thru crisis that ends with her literally praying for patience on the way home. 🙏☕ And that's just the beginning! Here's what we're getting into this week: 🎃 Halloween Costume Chaos: Disney heroes versus villains, a $75 toddler Gaston costume, and why Jen might end up dressed as a horse! 🎰 Lottery Ticket Meltdowns: Ashten questions the financial decisions of strangers while admitting we've all got our own vices. ☕ Drive-Thru Rage: Jen's Starbucks adventure proves that sometimes even Jesus needs to take the wheel. 🦫 Our New Career at Buc-ee's: Why we might actually make the perfect beaver mascots! 📖 Childhood Nostalgia & Storytelling: From Sally Jessy Raphael and childhood prank calls to true crime podcasts and Bible stories told like juicy gossip. ✈️ Cleveland Adventures: Jen reviews her surprisingly fabulous downtown hotel, explores Cleveland, and experiences another anxiety-filled trip through TSA security. 🎬 Movies That Hit Different as Adults: Rocky, Casper, While You Were Sleeping, and why some of our favorite childhood movies don't feel quite the same anymore. ❤️ The Beauty of Being Eight Again: A surprisingly heartfelt conversation about childhood, simpler times, family, and why sometimes staying home is the greatest luxury of all. 🍔 The Simpsons Halloween Mystery: Did The Simpsons really predict the future, and why didn't Jen get her collectible Halloween cup?! From hilarious rants to unexpectedly sweet memories, this episode is everything you've come to expect from a Gen X and Millennial friendship where absolutely NOTHING stays on topic. NOW WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! 👇 💬 What's your biggest drive-thru pet peeve? 💬 If you could go back to any age, what age would you choose? 💬 And most importantly — are you brave enough to go through TSA with Jen?! If you love funny podcasts, girlfriend conversations, Gen X vs. Millennial humor, childhood nostalgia, and two best friends who have absolutely no filter, you're in the right place! 👍 LIKE, COMMENT & SUBSCRIBE for more laughs, real-life stories, and completely unpredictable conversations! Welcome to This Is Why We Can't Have a Podcast! #ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveAPodcast #FunnyPodcast #GenXVsMillennial #DriveThruRage #Halloween2026 #GirlTalk #FunnyStories #ChildhoodNostalgia #Starbucks #PodcastComedy

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Why You Should NEVER FaceTime From The Shower (And Other Dating Advice)

Would you pay $350 to bring a FAKE BOYFRIEND to Thanksgiving dinner? 😂 Because apparently that's an actual business idea, and Jen and Ashten have QUESTIONS! This week on **This Is Why We Can't Have a Podcast**, we're diving headfirst into the ridiculous world of modern romance, questionable dating decisions, and the things that give us the absolute ICK. Ashten takes us on a people-watching adventure at a country bar, where she's left wondering if anyone actually expects to find true love between the two-stepping and tequila. Meanwhile, Jen discovers that you can apparently RENT a boyfriend for Thanksgiving, complete with matching outfits, a fake love story, and a platinum package that includes kissing your mother on the cheek! And just when you think things couldn't get weirder, we're discussing a bizarre viral White House appearance that has the internet making comparisons to animatronics and lizard people. 🦎 **In this episode:** - 🤠 Finding love in all the wrong places — the Urban Cowboy edition - 💰 Rent-a-boyfriend Thanksgiving packages from $75 to $350 - 🚩 Dating icks, cringey TikTok men, and couples who sit on the same side of the booth - 🎄 Why Hallmark movies make absolutely no sense - ❤️ The little things that actually matter in a relationship - 🛁 The great bath-versus-shower debate - 🦎 A viral White House appearance and the internet's wildest reactions - 📱 Why Jen probably shouldn't FaceTime from the shower! There's also a surprisingly heartfelt conversation about love, loss, and appreciating the little things your partner does for you. It's friendship, Gen X versus Millennial opinions, unsolicited relationship advice, and enough rabbit holes to keep us talking all night. **JOIN THE CONVERSATION!** 👇 Would YOU rent a boyfriend for Thanksgiving? What's your biggest dating ICK? And are you Team Hallmark or Team Absolutely Not? Tell us in the comments because, as usual, the comment section might be the best part! 👍 LIKE, SUBSCRIBE & SHARE if you enjoy two best friends saying the things everyone else is thinking! #ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveAPodcast #FunnyPodcast #RentABoyfriend #DatingIcks #GenXVsMillennial #GirlTalk #DatingHumor #Thanksgiving #RelationshipHumor #PodcastComedy

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The Crybaby Pastor, a Botched Execution & 763 Dives for Love | True Crime + Chaos

A murder trial involving a former American Idol contestant turned pastor, a reported execution attempt that left everyone asking WHAT HAPPENS NOW?!, AI scams, TikTok investigators…and one husband whose love story nearly broke us. 😳😭 Welcome back to This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast, where Jen and Ashten somehow manage to go from true crime to Kiefer Sutherland, quilting, dating, catfishing, the lost art of romance, and becoming YouTube famous in approximately 30 minutes. This week, we’re talking about: 🔪 The “Crybaby Pastor” murder case — a former American Idol contestant and pastor accused of killing his wife, an alleged affair, thousands upon thousands of text messages, a suspicious 911 call, and the details that immediately had investigators asking questions. ⚖️ The execution story taking over social media — after reported attempts to carry out an execution failed, the internet has ALL the theories. What happens when an execution doesn’t go according to plan? And how much of what we’re seeing online can we even trust anymore? 📱 AI, catfishing & TikTok detectives — between fake accounts, bots sliding into DMs, social media investigators, Ring cameras and everybody documenting everything, HOW does anyone think they're getting away with anything in 2026? 💔 763 dives for the love of his life — a Japanese man has continued searching for his wife, who disappeared during the 2011 tsunami, returning to the water again and again for years. And yes…this one absolutely destroyed us. Which leads us to an important question: Have we completely lost the art of falling in love? We’re talking romance, relationships, flirting before “sliding into the DMs” existed, why people need to start WOOING each other again, and whether the younger generations might actually bring some of it back. PLUS: 😂 Jen's rapidly growing quilting YouTube channel 🧵 Grandma hobbies are officially COOL again 🎬 The Lost Boys vs. The Goonies 🤖 Why we don't know what on the internet is real anymore ❤️ The kind of love that lasts a lifetime ✈️ And why Jen is apparently abandoning Ashten for Ohio and Connecticut Basically: true crime, relationships, nostalgia, internet insanity, friendship, quilting and complete chaos. Which is exactly why…we can’t have a podcast. 👇 TELL US IN THE COMMENTS: Do you think romance and “wooing” need to make a comeback? Could you tell if an AI account was catfishing you? And what true crime case has you completely obsessed right now? 👍 LIKE the episode 💬 COMMENT and join the conversation 🔔 SUBSCRIBE for more This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast #TrueCrime #TrueCrimePodcast #AmericanIdol #MurderTrial #TrueCrimeCommunity #Dating #Relationships #Catfishing #AI #TikTok #GenX #Millennial #ComedyPodcast #Podcast

Sleepover Witchcraft, the Black Dog & Why We’re Never Leaving the House

Would you tell your best friend her outfit isn’t working? Jen and Ashten start with that dangerous question, then somehow end up revisiting “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board,” Ouija boards, cemetery scares, and the mysterious “black dog” stories truckers keep telling. Jen also brings a stack of stories involving a shopping scam, a roller coaster, and true crime. Add in a little AI panic and a proposed best-friend compound, and staying home starts to sound pretty good. Tell us in the comments: Would you want a friend to warn you about an outfit? And did “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” actually work at your sleepovers? Subscribe for more conversations with Jen and Ashten on This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast.

# 🦛 Congo Anxiety, Sister Wives & The Idaho Four Rabbit Hole

Ashten has discovered that she may not be an empath…but she is definitely an anxiety empath, and TikTok has handed her the ultimate nightmare: explorer Ash Dykes preparing to take an inflatable kayak through the Congo surrounded by hippos, crocodiles, disease, and approximately 47 other ways to die. Then they bring us back to the important things in life: Sister Wives drama. Janelle is dating, Meri is moving on, Kody and Robyn may finally be exiting stage left, and naturally we have thoughts. But things take a much darker turn when we dive back into the Idaho Four murders and the Amber Vance YouTube series that has Jen completely sucked into the rabbit hole. The roommates, the timeline, disturbing audio recordings, the dog, the demolished house…there are a LOT of questions. Also: Jen declares war on McDonald’s over an absolutely unacceptable Hello Kitty/Godzilla Happy Meal toy, we discuss why she’ll watch true crime for hours but refuses to read subtitles, and somehow the podcast ends with vines taking over the ceiling. Basically: TikTok gave us anxiety, TLC gave us gossip, YouTube gave us a conspiracy spiral…and McDonald’s gave us trash. This is why we can’t have a podcast.

Remembering 9/11, Widowhood & Duct Tape at 30,000 Feet ✈️

We start this episode on a more serious note as we remember September 11th, talk about what it was like to actually live through that day, and wonder whether younger generations can ever really understand how much it changed everything. Then Ashten gets very real about grief, widowhood, and the comment that sent her over the edge this week: “You shouldn’t waste your life.” We talk about why being single does NOT mean your life is wasted, why there is no timeline for finding love after loss, and why society is so uncomfortable with women simply being okay on their own. And because this is This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast, things quickly derail. 😂 We’ve got a belligerent airline passenger getting DUCT TAPED TO HIS SEAT, strangers becoming best friends on a plane, influencers apparently ruining the US Open, Emma discovering she is definitely not a Pilates princess, the terrifying modern dating pool, and one very important question: Do chat rooms still exist?! Somehow we go from national tragedy to widowhood to Richard Simmons and gluteus maximus complaints in under an hour. Honestly… this is exactly why we can’t have a podcast. 🎙️ This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast

Ignored Texts, JP Miller is the devil (allegedly) & the Thirst Trap Grotto Girls 😬📱🔥

Jen is officially on probation for taking more than 24 hours to answer Ashten’s text, and apparently being busy building an empire is NOT an acceptable excuse when you’re on someone’s emergency contact list. 😂 After the friendship intervention, we get into the disturbing Mica Miller story and The Death of a Pastor’s Wife—the red flags, the allegations surrounding JP Miller, stalking, manipulation, and why this case is even more unsettling the deeper you go. Then things take a HARD left into the COVID-era TikTok thirst trap known as William White. What started with lip-syncing, good hair, and women throwing money at their screens somehow turned into the Grotto Girls, hundreds of thousands of dollars, Disney Mama, fan-club warfare, leaked photos, catfishing, and grown women basically reenacting Lord of the Flies on social media. Also: apparently someone is currently pretending to be a 49ers player and allegedly swindling women out of money, which naturally leaves us wondering… What should WE pretend to be so we can finally get rich? Welcome to another episode of This Is Why We Can’t Have a Podcast—where friendship comes with a 24-hour response policy and TikTok continues to prove that absolutely nothing good happens when the internet gets hot, bothered and organized.

Dolly, Dating Disasters & TikTok’s No-Shower Era

This week, we honor Dolly Parton the only way we know how: with questionable facts, a debate about who she ran to first in heaven, and the horrifying realization that Jen once thought she was married to Porter Wagoner. Then things take a darker turn when a prison nurse falls in love with a convicted murderer, moves him into her home, and gives us yet another reason to stop treating red flags like romantic décor. We also spiral through Boeing documentaries, fake sign-language interpreters, retinol warnings, hypothetical teenage bullies, and TikTok’s latest contribution to society: people refusing to shower. It’s grief, murder, body hair, and bad decisions—all in one episode. And this is why we can’t have a podcast.

Dirty Socks, Sister Wives New Love & Gettin' Petty About Shetty

This week, we’re defending Ashten’s dirty socks from anonymous internet cowards, declaring a code-red financial diet, and celebrating some much-deserved Sister Wives romance news. Ashten adjusts to Emma leaving for college—until a perfectly timed FaceTime call proves she still loves her—and Jen gets extremely petty about Ashten’s love for Jay Shetty. Add trad-wife debates, Hollywood rabbit holes, unexplained hair loss, and the usual wildly unnecessary arguments, and you’ll understand exactly why we can’t have a podcast.

Denver Airport Conspiracies & why Bratty Kids on a Plane are still better than A-hole Adults

We recorded an entire episode—and lost every ducking minute of it—so welcome to Take Two, where we attempt to recreate the magic while becoming increasingly unhinged. Ashten terrorizes two children who won’t stop predicting a plane crash, Jen blames Colorado’s lack of air conditioning for its murder rate, and ChatGPT accidentally kills off the wrong podcast host. Plus: Denver Airport lizard people, Emma leaving for college, Tobin’s newest “bad word,” Gen X party lines, prison romance, UFO sightings, and the deeply emotional question of what our phones would say about us after we’re gone. Somehow, it’s heartfelt, chaotic, and recorded this time.

Incarceration Forms, Top-Sheet Wars & BegTok 📋🛏️📱

Why does enrolling your child in the same school require 16 million questions—and exactly how incarcerated are we talking? This week, Jen and Ashten debate top sheets, freshly made beds, suspicious vines growing through light fixtures, and whether Brian Kohberger acted alone. Then Ashten takes us deep into her wildly specific TikTok algorithm, featuring Pentecostal fashion, true crime, dangerous oversharing, and people livestreaming from home while demanding grocery money. Plus, we announce the winner of our one-year anniversary giveaway and prepare for a brief Wyoming-induced hiatus!

One-Year Anniversary, Marrying a Murderer & The Eyes of a Psychopath

We’re celebrating one full year of podcast chaos with a $100 giveaway, undercover Disney princesses, and plans for the ultimate villain-themed Halloween. Then Ashten introduces Jen to Should I Marry a Murderer?, which naturally leads to questions about how much crime you can overlook for a six-foot-four Scottish Highlander. Plus, we investigate sanpaku eyes, Charles Manson conspiracy theories, haunted morticians, Tobin’s newest attitude, and whether your dating standards can accidentally lead you straight into a cult. Happy anniversary to us!

Daylight Saving Drama, Murderous Pastors & Kennedy Family Secrets

This week, Jen and Ashten debate whether permanent daylight saving time would make everyone happier—or just force us to start work in the dark. Then the conversation takes an emotional turn as Ashten shares how Tobin is beginning to ask questions about his dad, grief, and why some milestones hit harder than others. They also dive into the wild case of a youth pastor accused of pushing his wife off a cliff, swap Netflix recommendations, review the new Little House on the Prairie, and tumble headfirst into the scandals, affairs, and family secrets of the Kennedys. Plus, the podcast is officially approaching its one-year anniversary—and they only need two more YouTube subscribers to reach their original goal! Because apparently nothing says Friday like piña coladas, seasonal depression, true crime, grief, television reviews, and the Kennedys.

Garth Brooks Conspiracies, Friendship Auditions & the Adam Sandler Spiral 🎟️🚩🎬

We’re back in bed and officially switching to Fridays for the summer because weddings, college, cheerleading, Shrek and life in general have taken over. This week, Jen demands a ticket to see Garth Brooks while TikTok tries to turn his tour into a true-crime investigation. Then we break down the five types of friends everyone supposedly needs—and confirm that Ashten is less of a “comfort friend” and more of a “who do I need to fight?” friend. We also get unexpectedly honest about changing seasons, pulling away from people and whether we would rather rewind or pause our lives. Naturally, that emotional conversation somehow becomes a full Adam Sandler movie ranking, a Drew Barrymore debate and another Taylor Swift wedding tangent. Because this is exactly why we can’t have a podcast.

Toy Story Tears, Netflix Binges & Unsolved Mysteries Rabbit Holes 🤠🔎📺

Happy Monday after the 4th! We’re still sipping Kiss on the Lips, still recovering from the weekend, and somehow going from patriotic sewing plans to Netflix recommendations, Yellowstone spin-offs, Little House on the Prairie reboot concerns, and the emotional damage of watching Toy Story across three generations. Then things take a darker turn as we fall into true crime and conspiracy rabbit holes, including the Springfield Three, old-school Unsolved Mysteries, Circleville letters, Charles Morgan, and why some cases still haunt us decades later. There are crackers, brain freezes, serial killer statistics, Ohio questions, and one very awkward reminder that we really do say things out loud and then hope nobody hears them.

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Kiss on the Lips, Deadly TikTok Trend & Empire State Engagements

We’re back, themed-ish, and kicking off July with a Carnival cruise classic: Kiss on the Lips. This Friday episode goes from social media trends we are officially over, to dangerous TikTok art, OOTD exhaustion, gaming rabbit holes, shallow dating pools, “sup beautiful” trauma, and the couple who decided the Empire State Building needed a little illegal romance. We also talk summer playlists, songs that remind you of your friends, hypothetical questions, possum enemies, Walmart survival plans, and why a mad goose may be the final boss of everyday inconvenience. Basically, we missed y’all… and immediately proved why we can’t have a podcast.

Canoe Trauma, Toddler Blowouts & True Crime TikTok

This week, we start with a very normal podcast warm-up: canoe near-death experiences, projectile vomiting in a kayak, and a toddler poop emergency that deserves its own hazard pay. Then we somehow pivot into Netflix’s Maternal Instinct, fake pregnancies, burner phones, narcissists, and why TikTok investigators may actually be scarier than the FBI. It’s messy, unhinged, mildly educational, and exactly why we can’t have a podcast. 💩🚣‍♀️📱

TikTok Stalkers, Roller Coasters & Airport Groping

This Friday episode starts with post-Scotland jet lag, business catch-up chaos, and the discovery that Jen’s “old lady YouTube” may actually be ahead of TikTok. Then we fall straight into the disturbing rabbit hole of Timber Bowman, delusional stalking, spiritual advisors, baby reindeer vibes, and why technology has made being creepy a full-time job. Somehow, we also cover roller coaster rescues, TSA pat-downs, Newark airport energy, and why saving someone’s life should not come with a complaint form. ✈️📱🎢

Scotland Edition: Castles, Kilts, and Questionable American Behavior

We’re back from Scotland, and apparently all it took was castles, kilts, Outlander locations, confusing accents, and one very honest tour guide to nearly take us out. In this Scotland edition, we recap our senior trip adventure through Edinburgh, Inverness, Glasgow, castles, countryside, the stones that absolutely did not buzz, and the magical people who somehow tolerated us. We discuss our deep love for Paul and Cameron, our confusion over tipping, our emotional support pizza, the “hell no to Glasgow” experience, driving on the wrong side of the road, Emma’s dangerous swing moment, the pineapple house, airplane rage, hostel warnings, and the brutal Scottish ranking system that left Ashten “barely passable.” Basically, we went looking for Outlander magic and found friendship, chaos, flat whites, FIFA confusion, and several reasons why we probably should not be allowed abroad unsupervised!

GRADUATION DAY! The episode where I accidentally used the title last week for the wrong episode....

Welp...this is why. If you liked the title last week, you'll LOVE this week's episode! To recap....aliens, weedeaters, cannibalism, Nancy Grace...need we say more? CONGRATULATIONS EMMA AND CLASS OF 2026!!