The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Sex addict - learn to get up, dust off & get back in

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When you do Therapy/Counselling with The Kairos Centre, there are these 3 Stages which summarise the process: Stage one: Explore - that is what we do in the 50 minutes session. We jump into the sand pit together to talk, discuss and explore the issues. Stage two: Reflections in order to gain Insight & Understanding. That is what you do outside of the sessions. It is actually the most important stage, because that is when you make connections based on the Stage one Exploring. Stage three: Action/Change - now that you have Explored and Reflected, you may want to do something with the insights gained; with the issues moved from the unconscious into the conscious. You will do a lot of this Action/Change yourself; but at other times, you will need help from your Therapist. The Pothole Poem is a lovely summary and reminder of the frustrations of repeating the problem and even worse, repeating them even after you can now see and recognise them in the consciousness. "Then why do I keep repeating the patterns"? Because the behaviours have often had decades of presence in your life - on repeat and you expect to change them within days or weeks. Not really feasible, because they will have become neural Pathways/hamster wheel behaviour patterns/habits. It takes time to break down neural pathways and change them to positive welcomed habits/practices. There are no quick fixes with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery. Hence, I do not talk about someone achieving sobriety until one year from their last 'Acting out' behaviour. Read the poem - A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addiction damage to the Couple needs proactive Repair

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex Addiction prevalence in the couple's relationship is likely to create tension, conflict , hurt and damage to trust and therefore undermine to couple's relationship. Repair will be needed and almost certainly third party trained help will be beneficial. When "Mrs Porn" is on her way out and a distance down the road - not necessarily having been gone for a long period - but going is detectible - it's time to work on repairing the couple. Up until then, the couple have different work to do and different journeys, before joint work. What is a Repair Attempt? Consider this - from The Gottman Institute: "A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D., calls repair attempts a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. His ground breaking research shows “the success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.” What do we do when our repair attempts fall flat? The simple act of making repair attempts is not enough. Knowing your partner, by understanding their "Needs"/Love Language/Apology Language/The Five Loves (in my book The Art Of Loving) - will help to devise ways to effectively de-escalate a conflict/argument -often arising from the betrayal. Each has lost their best friend. Conflict is inevitable and is not necessarily bad. It is very hard to remain in conflict with someone you are touching and embracing. The block is letting go of pride and actually making the first move to touch the other person. You should try it! All our deepest fears stem from our desire for connection (to be secure) and significance. Our deepest fears are therefore to lose connection and lack significance. There are 7 A’s of an effective confession - as a first step towards Repair & Rebuilding connection. They are: 1. Address everyone involved: admit to your role which contributed to the conflict - to every person who has been directly affected. 2. Avoid “if”, “but” and “maybe”: do not use words that shift the blame to others or appear to minimise or excuse your guilt. 3. Admit specifically: identify the specific behaviour which you need to change. 4. Acknowledge the hurt: show that you are trying to understand the way someone must havefelt by your behaviour. 5. Accept the consequence: the consequence may have been severe and restitution may benecessary. 6. Alter your behaviour: explain to the person you offended how you plan to alter your behaviour in the future. 7. Ask for forgiveness (and allow the other person time). (Forgiveness is one of the most valuable gifts possible. It is very important to understand true Forgiveness, before giving it. A part of Forgiveness is a promise never to again raise the issue against the person! (That can be very tough to uphold). Sex Addict - this applies to you: "If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction" — DietrichBonhoeffer Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Got to, got to start to like myself; even to Love myself

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Negative thinking is also a form of meditation - meditation on the wrong thing. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural) principles kick in - which tells us - my thinking (whether negative or positive) will always determine and lead to my behaviour. Therefore, a negative schema is being set up, such that negative behaviours are merely following the pre-determine trajectory set in place by cognitive/thinking. Change comes from the principle: "If you can change your mind, you can change your life" ie If you can change your thinking, you can change the trajectory of your life. When you think about a ship's trajectory, visualise the fact of a one degree shift in the rudder and where that ship will be in just one hour. Change is all about small degrees of shifts; no big leaps. Quickly gone = quickly return - when it comes to Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery. At the Kairos Centre, we do not speak about someone gaining sobriety until 1 year from the last acting out. It takes time to rewire the brain and install new neural pathways, coming out of new thinking. May it be said of you: "I am now in control of my life. It was not always so". "How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win." — G.K. Chesterton Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict - You really are not as bad as you think you are

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre You really are not as bad as yo think you are. Honestly! Your sense of who you really are has gone adrift. Try the exercise in today's video, to reclaim right perspectives over time. Self compassion is needed - toward self. Don't be that hard on yourself. Too much self chastisement and insufficient praise and acknowledgement of an achievement, has enhanced that self deprecation. Stop it now! Do the exercise for at least 30 days. Get to know you. Get to like you. Get to like you. The glass is half full and not always half empty - in your thinking. Become more self compassionate and therefore, more self caring. You are worth it. You deserve it. You really cannot love your close other, at the level that you think you do, if you don't love yourself first! Challenge me on that one! We need to get you to a place of "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all. Well it's me of course". (And you say it with a smile). Ok - I will let go of forcing you to say it with a smile - to start with, but it needs to come. Begin the exercise described and be faithful in practising it for at least 30 days - consistently. Take small incremental steps. The Kairos Centre does not work with quick fixes; otherwise quickly in, quickly undone and out. Rather - let's see 'here a little; there a little; a little bit here and a little bit there". Remember the Pothole poem: A poem by Portia Nelson: There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self- Discovery Verse I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Verse II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Verse III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Verse IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Verse V: I walk down another street. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict - Does life keep changing you!

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Consider these Life Stages by Dr Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D (www.institute4learning.com): "Here are what I call the twelve gifts of the human life cycle: 1. Prebirth: Potential – The child who has not yet been born could become anything – a Michelangelo, a Shakespeare, a Martin Luther King – and thus holds for all of humanity the principle of what we all may yet become in our lives. 2. Birth: Hope – When a child is born, it instills in its parents and other caregivers a sense of optimism; a sense that this new life may bring something new and special into the world. Hence, the newborn represents the sense of hope that we all nourish inside of ourselves to make the world a better place. 3. Infancy (Ages 0-3): Vitality – The infant is a vibrant and seemingly unlimited source of energy. Babies thus represent the inner dynamo of humanity, ever fueling the fires of the human life cycle with new channels of psychic power. 4. Early Childhood (Ages 3-6): Playfulness – When young children play, they recreate the world anew. They take what is and combine it with the what is possible to fashion events that have never been seen before in the history of the world. As such, they embody the principle of innovation and transformation that underlies every single creative act that has occurred in the course of civilization. 5. Middle Childhood (Ages 6-8): Imagination – In middle childhoood, the sense of an inner subjective self develops for the first time, and this self is alive with images taken in from the outer world, and brought up from the depths of the unconscious. This imagination serves as a source of creative inspiration in later life for artists, writers, scientists, and anyone else who finds their days and nights enriched for having nurtured a deep inner life. 6. Late Childhood (Ages 9-11): Ingenuity – Older children have acquired a wide range of social and technical skills that enable them to come up with marvelous strategies and inventive solutions for dealing with the increasing pressures that society places on them. This principle of ingenuity lives on in that part of ourselves that ever seeks new ways to solve practical problems and cope with everyday responsibilities. 7. Adolescence (Ages 12-20): Passion – The biological event of puberty unleashes a powerful set of changes in the adolescent body that reflect themselves in a teenager’s sexual, emotional, cultural, and/or spiritual passion. Adolescence passion thus represents a significant touchstone for anyone who is seeking to reconnect with their deepest inner zeal for life. 8. Early Adulthood (Ages 20-35): Enterprise – It takes enterprise for young adults to accomplish their many responsibilities, including finding a home and mate, establishing a family or circle of friends, and/or getting a good job. This principle of enterprise thus serves us at any stage of life when we need to go out into the world and make our mark. 9. Midlife (Ages 35-50): Contemplation – After many years in young adulthood of following society’s scripts for creating a life, people in midlife often take a break from worldly responsibilities to reflect upon the deeper meaning of their lives, the better to forge ahead with new understanding. This element of contemplation represents an important resource that we can all draw upon to deepen and enrich our lives at any age. 10. Mature Adulthood (Ages 50-80): Benevolence – Those in mature adulthood have raised families, established themselves in their work life, and become contributors to the betterment of society through volunteerism, mentorships, and other forms of philanthropy. All of humanity benefits from their benevolence. Moreover, we all can learn from their example to give more of ourselves to others. 11. Late Adulthood (Age 80+): Wisdom – Those with long lives have acquired a rich repository of experiences that they can use to help guide others. Elders thus represent the source of wisdom that exists in each of us, helping us to avoid the mistakes of the past while reaping the benefits of life’s lessons. 12. Death & Dying: Life – Those in our lives who are dying, or who have died, teach us about the value of living. They remind us not to take our lives for granted, but to live each moment of life to its fullest, and to remember that our own small lives form of a part of a greater whole". Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict....more of this thing called Life Stage Changes

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Life Stages (not Midlife Crises!) is about how Human Development is divided into distinct Stages. Here is a reminder of those Stages: Prenatal -> infancy -> early childhood -> middle childhood -> adolescence -> early adulthood -> middle adulthood -> late adulthood. It is stating the obvious, but recognise (and not only pay lip-service) to the fact that each Stage is marked by certain unique traits, patterns, behaviours, thought processes and its own individual characteristics. Therefore, each Stage has its own challenges - where it can feel like an unfair moving of the goal posts; an unfair shift which impacts the dynamics of the relationship and the (signed!) Manifesto terms of partnership role which you each had signed up to at the beginning of the relationship or had evolved over time. It is reasonable for one partner to cry 'foul' and 'unfair' - when they are experiencing the shifts; a moving of the goal post. We are all developing as Human Beings. That continues until we leave planet Earth! There will be these milestones. They will raise challenges. We will need to negotiate our way through how our unique individual self, with our culture - ever evolving - creates challenges in relationships and puts pressures upon it. Since it is an ongoing lifetime process, there are times when partners may be left scratching their heads and asking 'What just happened' or 'What's going on' and not be able to readily find answers or an explanation; made worse because the changing and evolving other partner, may also not themself understand or know why they are doing or not doing those certain actions/inaction and are left scratching their own head. The couple may need input from a Therapist. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict - Self soothing through Life Stage changes?

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Human beings have a life cycle. Each stage is marked by subtle adjustments to cope with the social, economical, cultural and sometimes, chronic stressors of the stage. Here is just one version of Life Stage age grouping categories. There are variants. Let us look at one version. Each stage looking at the different phases of life: Infant (Birth- 2 years): Changes in schedules – bedtime, routine etc., strangers and chaos can cause anxiety during this phase. Child (3-9 years): Separation anxiety can be seen as the children start going to school. Social skills and peer relationships are developed during this stage. Adolescent (10-19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent identity are common changes during puberty. These may bring about strong emotional reactions and behavioural risks. Young adult (20-29 years): Beginning college, taking up a job, starting a family and buying a house are some of the significant events during this stage and may demand moving out of your comfort zone. Adult (30-39 years): Managing family and career growth along with increased responsibilities may lead to stress. Middle age (40-60 years): First signs of aging and effects of lifestyle, menopause in women, children leaving the house, grandchildren arriving, career peak – all these things may all take a toll on a person’s mental and physical health. Independent old age (Age 60 onward): More signs of aging and lifestyle effects. Retirement, health problems and medications may cause a strain on a person in this stage. Dependent old age (Optional stage): The feeling of being dependent and requiring assistance may disturb a person and may reduce their ability to enjoy life. End of Life: This is the time when a person realizes that he/she has come close to the end and may require a lot of pep talk and love and care. Why are these stages of interest? Life Stages are NOT Mid-life crises, as some like to call them. Often said in a negative or derogatory way. Each stage has its own issues that may need help to negotiate through. But what if a partner is going through Life Stage changes in different ways and at different points in life? That is a recipe for much conflict and can feel like that partner is 'moving the goal posts' by doing behaviours outside of the norm in the relationship. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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"No way - I would never trash my own 'Values' over trivial conflicts - would I?"

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's check that we are on the same page as we have a discussion about 'Values'. I am speaking about such things as being able to be Creative, have Integrity, Fitness, Security, Faith, Self Confidence, Wealth, Winning, Honesty and many more. In the cool light of day, we would never purposely/consciously/intentionally trash our Values. They are a part of us and how we do life, want to do life and choose to do life on planet earth. Our Values define us; define who we are; represent who we are; shape who we are. How dare you invite me to just flippantly get rid of one of my Values; destruct, destroy - trash my Values. Why on earth would anyone do that? So, my question is - when Sex/Porn addiction triggers arise and you 'Act out', is the fact of Acting out, an indication that you have just Trashed all of you Values? Can you see patterns of activities and behaviours which show you undermining those dearly held Values, which in other situations, you would and could never undermine or trash your Values. Look how you undermine and trash your Values when emotions - such as conflict with a partner - gets the better of you; also when 'Acting out' beckons. Neural Pathway repetitive hamster wheel patterns of behaviours (from past learned and even inherited scripts from family) may be at work repeatedly, but you did not notice, analyse or give credence to what you were doing? You were actually trashing and undermining your strongly held Values. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - Part 2

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre It is worth listening again to the first part of this topic (in a recent past episode) - entitled: Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - This is a continuation of that topic talking about Core Emotional Needs. This is part 2 of how Passive-Aggressive behaviours can show up - as a way of trying to get Core Emotional Needs met. Do you know what are your top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs? Do you FIGHT like this? Do you FLIGHT like this? Do you Freeze like this? - but it is all about repeatedly practised behaviours as a attempt to get depleted Core Emotional Needs met. Some of them are: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others. When Core motional Needs are depleted and at reserve levels, as human beings, we will do one of three things to try to get them met, since they are not negotiable. Critical levels will see us doing Fight, Flight and/or Freeze. Which one of those three do you think that you predominantly use? It may not actually be the obvious one that you first think you do. Listen to the two parts of this podcast and the examples of fight, flight , freeze which I demonstrate. Over 90% of the couples in conflict that we see in The Kairos Centre, have, at the root of their conflict - fight, flight, freeze - as they try to get their Core Emotional Needs met. Often, it will take the form of Passive-Aggressive behaviours. (This is a big deal which needs to be understood well). Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Enjoy this bonus episode from an interview about my life's journey!

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Grab your popcorn, peanuts and a drink, this is a long episode. It is a bonus episode, bringing it all together in one episode. I was interviewed by Seen&heard (an organisation supporting those traumatised by boarding school attendance) - for whom I am one of their Directory of experienced Therapists working with those different Traumas. In this very personal and up close interview of me and my journey through childhood, adulthood and life, I look at various issues, including Insecure Attachment and its significant impact on me; transitioning from being the Solicitor, career changing to become the Therapist; title 't' Traumas & big 'T' Traumas. Intergenerational scripts from past family which adversely impacts us and sets up subsequent family members towards a trajectory; training to counsel Singles, Couples, Partners, Marrieds; me becoming a Psychosexual/Sex Therapist; then a specialist trained Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Therapist - where each of those Addictions are quite distinct from each other; specialist support for impacted partners - separate from the Addict - (particularly female partners traumatised by learning about the Sex/Porn/Love Addiction); Co-addictions and what is waiting in the wings when you try to get rid of Porn or Sex Addiction. Eye Movement Desensitisation Repossessing (EMDR); SHAME+ NARCISSISM = SEX/PORN ADDICTION; need for a 12 Steps Support Group; need to Diagnose the childhood development issues first - before a Recovery Programme; my Diagnostic sessions & the world's first Video-on-Demand (pre-recorded videos with workbooks) Recovery Programme; what is 'Love Addiction'. It is not weakness to need help from others at some point in our lives; it may be counselling for mental health issues. Compulsions get passed on to the next generation - the children; becoming sensitised to partner's body; Therapy with The Kairos Centre is about moving as much insights from the Unconscious into the Conscious. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!"

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this? Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vindictive and a way of doing "fight' with someone. It is a way of expressing negative feelings, rather than talking openly about the issue which as caused upset. It is a way to communicate anger and other forms of distress, without openly acknowledging the emotions. It might take the form of action or inaction. An example might be, the person who attends an event (unwillingly), then is rude or hostile. Alternatively, it might be that they avoid the event and give a partner the “silent treatment.” That is overt aggression, adopted as a communication style, as revenge for an upset caused to them. Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. They might say one thing, but do something quite contrary. They may do the thing they do not want to do and brood and complain whilst doing it. They might do something that seems kind (on the surface), but is opposite to the other person's expectation and preference. For example, someone who knows you are trying to lose weight, purposely buys a large sugary birthday cake for you. Passive aggression is a common coping mechanism that many people use from time to time, especially when they want to avoid direct conflict. People who engage in passive aggression may feel just as aggressive or hostile as those who adopt more overt forms of aggression. Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child. Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior - like these other examples: Limit/curtail communication: when clearly there is a problematic issue present Avoiding/Ignoring/evading: because anger won't allow you to address the issue calmly Procrastinating: intentionally putting off something and knowing it will adversely affect the other person(s) Obstructing/deliberately stalling/preventing something Avoiding situations: where competition might show you in an unfavourable light Ambiguity/cryptic/unclear: not fully engaging Sulking/silent treatment/sullen/dogmatic: in order to get attention or sympathy. Purposely late: knowing that will offend Thwarting/frustrating someone expectation: to be 'bloodyminded' Purposely forgetting key matters: to show a blatant disregard and disrespect Limiting/withholding/avoiding Intimacy: known to be liked by the other person Making Excuses/coming up with reasons: for not doing things Victim role: so as to avoid taking responsibility for own role Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, Support the show

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Sex Addiction may mean the true YOU never fully evolved and got ambushed

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let's talk about how well you really know yourself. Remember that the addiction behaviours are all about self-soothing to manage emotions; a time of escape from life's issues for a while. It means that many other life skills for managing emotions such as stress, pressure, anxiety, upset and other normal emotions, may never have been learned in childhood, because the addiction behaviours became the 'go-to' drug of choice. Core Emotional Needs Which are your top 3 Core Emotional Needs? Is it Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security or Support? Be aware of your top 10 Core Emotional Needs, but even more importantly, be very sure that you know your top 3 core emotional needs. The very fact that we are human, means that we have these 10 core emotional needs, which have to be met. When life and circumstances do not keep these needs topped up and some dwindle beyond our critical level, then we will react, often unconsciously. Fight or flight will soon demand attention when our core emotional needs are not being met. Fight can take the form of creating conflicts, but not being aware that we are being more contentious than usual! Flight means that we move away from a situation, into a place where we think our needs will be better met. That can take the form of longer hours at work because work or the people in the work place bring a form of comfort. They are danger zones unless we begin to read the signs. Our partner plays a part in meeting our Core Emotional Needs, but they are not responsible. They cannot meet all of those needs. All of the systems within which we interact (such as work, home life, social, sports etc) play a part in meeting those needs, not one person only. In the survey to determine the top 10 Core Emotional Needs, most women can identify with the need for Security within their top 3. Most men chose Respect. Couples do an Exercise with me to identify their top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs. When you have ranked your top 3, try ranking your partner’s top 3. Then have a discussion. What you do not know, then you cannot affect or do much about. What you know about and can see, then you can affect for good – or chose not to – but you now have choice! Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, Support the show

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As a sex addict - do you really know you?

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre “I’m the author of my own life story. Unfortunately, I’m writing in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes but my future will be better than my past.” - Mr Meet Therapy with The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to better understand you. Helping to move as much of life's issues from the unconscious, from the unseen, from the invisible, into the conscious, into the seen, into the visible. That which you cannot seen, you have no hope of changing. Change begins when you can see some things. Therefore, it is useful to understand that Therapy with The Kairos Centre involves working with the unconscious, the unseen, the invisible. Here are the 3 Stages that is involved in every 50 minutes Therapy session - called The Egan 3 Stages: STAGE 1: EXPLORING - which is what takes place during each Therapy session, as we jump into the sand pit together in a curiosity way (not criticism), in order to see what we can find and move it into the consciousness, into the seen, into the visible. STAGE 2: REFLECTING (in order to gain INSIGHT & UNDERSTANDING) - This stage belongs entirely to you. It is all about what you do with the matters which we explored together in the session, so that you chew on them, you think about them, you reflect on them outside of the session. Since, as you do so, you gain insight and greater understanding. You use a highlighter pen to make issues visible. They can never be invisible again, even if you do not move to stage 3. You can now see some things that belong to you - based upon what we explored in stage 1. STAGE 3: ACTION/CHANGE - based upon the new insights & understanding gained, the question in front of you is - 'What ACTION/CHANGE do you what to set about implementing (or not)'. The choice belongs entirely to you and once made, The Kairos Centre continues to be alongside you to help you with the change process which you have decided upon. (You are not alone). Another useful tool to help you recognise blind spots, is 'Johari's window'. Here is a Youtube link with an explanation about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7rlCgy6i88 Knowledge is power and so in all your getting, get understanding. That is the beginning of wisdom. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Bringing colour back to life - without Shame. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, Support the show

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The world's finest Apple - who me?

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change. Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'. Can you identify with anything in this poem? The world’s finest Apple A poem by Julian R. Smith "You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people You can be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent - and offer yourself to all. But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples. You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple, and someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana. But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana you will be a second-rate banana. But you can always be the finest apple. You must also realise that if you choose to be a second-rate banana. There will be people who do not like bananas. Furthermore, You can spend your life trying to become the best banana - which is impossible if you are an apple - or you can seek again to be the finest apple". What is clear is that somewhere in the past, something happened - usually in the childhood development period. You now find yourself trying to please people - to fit in and be accepted. You try to present a version of you to the people in the 'system' you are currently interacting in, in order to be accepted. If that means changing from being an Apple, to a Banana, then so be it. Being accepted in that grouping is the most important factor. Therefore you constantly metamorphorise in order to please and be accepted. The problem: You never identified and evolved into being the real authentic you or you lost the real authentic you. So - 'standup the real authentic you' - becomes futile because the real authentic you is not known. 'Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all' - will get the response - 'Well it's all those others, isn't it!' The Russian doll image best illustrates the protected Inner child deep inside the layers - being protected from the hostile world. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, sex, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, porn addiction in teens, sex addiction in teens Support the show

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Sex addicts - say it all in poetry!

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In this episode, let's say it all in poetry. My Brain And Heart Divorced – John Roedel My brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn’t be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another – instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing: “This is all your fault” on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future they blame each other for the state of my life there’s been a lot of yelling – and crying so, lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my gut who serves as my unofficial therapist most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut’s plush leather chair that’s always open for me ~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head I nodded I said I didn’t know if I could live with either of them anymore “my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow,” I lamented my gut squeezed my hand “I just can’t live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future,” I sighed my gut smiled and said: “in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while,” I was confused – the look on my face gave it away “if you are exhausted about your heart’s obsession with the fixed past and your mind’s focus on the uncertain future your lungs are the perfect place for you there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either there is only now there is only inhale there is only exhale there is only this moment there is only breath and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out.” this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves and while my heart was staring at old photographs I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said “what took you so long?” ~ John Roedel ----- "It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton. ----- "To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it." — G.K. Chesterton ----- "It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem." — G.K. Chesterton ----- "Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility" — Dietrich Bonhoeffer ----- “It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged The only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it....” (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll) Get some help from The Kairos Centre. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, Support the show

"Cheeky Brain - What do you mean you were offline when I did...."

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Many people think that pornography consumption is harmless. Studies, however, have proven that regular consumption can have a negative impact on the brain. Prolonged exposure can alter brain structures, brain functioning and therefore, behaviour patterns. (A Recovery Programme is all about rewiring the brain). Frequency of use, existing or prior mental health conditions, age of exposure and the type of pornographic content, are important factors. Porn impacts a developing brain differently than a mature brain. Such matters as violent porn are factors that does a different type of impact. Changes in the reward centre, cognitive functioning and emotional regulation are key areas of interest in neuropsychology. The Pleasure and Reward Centre: The brain’s primary reward neurotransmitter is Dopamine and it is released during pleasure activities whenever you experience pleasure. Repeated release of dopamine over time, alters the reward centre of the brain. You will find that over time, you desire more stimulus to achieve the same result. Regular use of porn causes highs and lows and the brain starts to create new patterns that drive a person to continue watching porn. It remembers the reward. Cognitive Function: Individuals who suffer from compulsive use of porn, often struggle with cognitive functioning. There may be impaired decision-making, but they do not know it. For example, going after the immediate short-term gain, despite the much bigger potential consequences which is all so apparent and a seemingly illogical decision to take such risks. There may be cognitive blind spots where you cannot so readily disurn the negative consequences of the behaviour; instead, going for immediate gratification - rather than delayed gratification; even trashing own personal values, moral codes and ethics. Emotional Regulation: The difficulty regulating emotions will show up in constantly reaching out for the quick fix of porn viewing, Sex or Love Addiction behaviours, to regular emotions; thereby, reinforcing the well grooved out neural pathway pairing which has taken place. Remember that the Frontal/Pre-cortex/logical reasoning decision-making part of the brain has gone offline during the 'Acting out'. Major bridge-burning decisions are being taken in the Limbic area of the brain. 'I feel, so I do'. When the behaviours are brought to an end and the Pre-Cortex comes back online - hearing you ask it the question - "What a waste of time. Why did I just do that?". It's reply will be - "Why are you asking us. We were offline at the time!" Neurological Impact of Porn Addiction: Neuropsychology and neuroscience are the fields which feed us the explanations about these dynamics, which explores how the brain and nervous system shape behaviour and cognition. MRI Scans have demonstrated the potency of the generated Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin mix effect on the brain - as a similar impact to illegal drugs. I might be somewhat provocative with my clients (forewarning them beforehand!) - that they are in fact 'drug addicts'. They are not addicted to illegal street drugs, but have become addicted to the potent neurochemical (self-manufactured chemicals) in the body, generated from the sex and porn behaviours. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast,counseling, addiction,psychology, codependency, neuroscience, Support the show

NARCISSISM versus EMPATHY

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. (Sympathy and Empathy are very different). Narcissism and Empathy cannot co-exist at high levels together in the same person. (Both cannot be seen being used at high levels in the same person). There will always be a high level of one and a low level of the other. Make sure Empathy is the one that is practised at a high level, in how you do life. (You will need some help to do change to achieve it!) This second definition of NARCISSISM which I use is rather academic and wordy, but it works for some clients: "Narcissism is a psychological disorder associated with grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic traits tend to run on a continuum. A higher psychologically functioning narcissist is often successful and charming but may have intimacy problems in relationships. A person who has a more severe form of narcissism may appear nearly delusional with their grandiosity and may act out destructively when they feel criticized. Narcissistic behavior involves much idealization and devaluation. Characteristics involve grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, idealization of self and devaluation of others. Narcissistic damage occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy, grounded parents help young people build a frame of reference for living. When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfilment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life. When our primal wiring meets the world we live in today characterized by disconnection at personal, family and social levels, we experience a helplessness and aloneness that is beyond what we are biologically prepared to embrace. Narcissistic wounding is sometimes referred to as the emptiness wound". Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, Support the show

Sex Addict - you're so Narcissistic!

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Here is my mathematical formula - as we look at Narcissism: SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX, PORN, LOVE ADDICTION I am not saying that those with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction are Narcissists. (Some may have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)). What I am saying is that all of my clients with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction, have traits which come out of NPD. Most of my clients will initially reject the suggestion that they have such traits - (me, myself & I focus) - until I explain the definition. Here is one of the definitions of Narcissism which I use. (In a past episode, I gave you the shorter simplified definition). This one is the longer, much more academic version: "Narcissism is a psychological disorder associated with grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy. Narcissistic traits tend to run on a continuum. A higher psychologically functioning narcissist is often successful and charming but may have intimacy problems in relationships. A person who has a more severe form of narcissism may appear nearly delusional with their grandiosity and may act out destructively when they feel criticized. Narcissistic behavior involves much idealization and devaluation. Characteristics involve grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, idealization of self and devaluation of others. Narcissistic damage occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy, grounded parents help young people build a frame of reference for living. When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfilment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life. When our primal wiring meets the world we live in today characterized by disconnection at personal, family and social levels, we experience a helplessness and aloneness that is beyond what we are biologically prepared to embrace. Narcissistic wounding is sometimes referred to as the emptiness wound". Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand. Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, trauma, ptsd, sex science, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, what neuroscience says, neuroscience, Support the show

Sex Addict - are you genuinely at 'ACTION' - on the 'STAGES OF CHANGE'?

Send us Fan Mail On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Sex - Addict, maybe you really are not yet at the 'ACTION' stage, as you think you are! 'Tools for 'ACTION' won't work if that is not the STAGE you are at. Let's look at where you might be at, despite turning up at the Therapists office because you have been caught and you have the Damocles sword over your head from the threats to leave and take the children - from your partner; or you have had the early morning knock at the door from the police and you are in the Criminal legal proccess and need to show to the system that you are taking steps to quit. Presenting for therapy does not mean you are ready for change and or to give up the behaviours. You see the 'need to give it up', but the 'desire to give it up' is lagging behind. I am multi-talented and do brain surgery on all of my Sex Porn Love Addiction clients. I explain that I am going to cut round your skull; lift off the top; remove your brain and put your brain on the chair next to you. (Don’t forget to take it when you leave!) Why do I do something so bizzare? Because I want you to know that your brain (we also call them “Parts”), is not your best friend all of the time. It is well intended. It is seeking to look after and protect you; but it does not always make right or best decisions for you in the moment. There are times when it will work against you. It will sabotage. That is why I encourage all of my clients to build in “Treats & Rewards” into their programme of change. Over time, of the brain experiencing treats & rewards for small incremental good outcomes, I hope (eventually) to entice the parts of the brain to Start to work with you. It likes treats & rewards for good outcomes. Make sense? There is another reason for doing brain surgery. I want to have a conversation with my clients, but I don’t want their brain to hear. I need to tell them something, but if their brain hears it, the brain may receive it as permission to Relapse. I don’t want to unwittingly give them that message. But I do want them to hear that all the stats will tell us that most individuals do not achieve sobriety at their first attempt to change any behaviour in their life. Usually there are a number of repeated attempts. Learn to get up, dust off and get back in. Remember 'The Potholes Poem'? Request a copy from me, if you need it. What are those 'STAGES OF CHANGE ' you are talking about Gary? The Stages of Change in behaviour occurs gradually. A person moves from being uninterested, unaware or unwilling to make a change (Pre-contemplation), to considering change (Contemplation), to deciding and Preparing to make a change. Genuine determined Action then follows. Endeavours to Maintain the new behaviour occur, as well as the potential for Relapse snapping at its heel, to upset the journey towards life-long change. Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand., Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner. Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, relationships, relationship counseling, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, sex addict, porn, recovery, porn addiction issue, relationship issues, sexual, trauma, ptsd, The sex porn love Addiction Podcast, The Singles Partners Marrieds and Long Time Marrieds Podcast, Gary McFarlane, porn addiction, Support the show

What's love got to do with it - Sex Addict?

Send us Fan Mail - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Love me in five ways: (See my Book - The Art of Loving) Most of us operate out of emotional love. Our love is conditional. Loving self comes first. If you do not love yourself, it is not possible to love someone with the high level of love you think you have for them. It is deception to think that we do love our partner, whilst not really able to say that we love our self. Learn to love yourself first. Individual counselling may be necessary to help you on the journey. Learn to love and then learn the art of practising love. Learn it well and then spend a lifetime discipline, maintaining and perfecting it as your love affair. We know that the English word love is much over used. We use it for loving a meal as we do for loving our partner, the pet or ice cream. Using one word in that manner is a recipe for misunderstanding and certainly lacks precision in what we are trying to express. We can compare that to the way the word love is broken down and used in the Greek language. Historically the Greek language used at least five words precisely and quite distinctly to describe the various facets of love. By looking at each of those different word descriptions we can build up the identifying features of all the components that the word love should contain and demonstrate in all healthy, progressive and fulfilling relationships. Those five words for love are Epithumia, Eros, Phileo, Storge and Agape. Every couple’s love life should have all five facets of these aspects of love. Each is distinct, but inter-related and overlap. Each reinforces the other. EPITHUMIA: (The sexual love): Epithumia is a strong desire - of any kind. It is a longing for something or someone. It is to set one’s heart or desire upon. It has components of coveting and to lust after. It can be a strong, lustful and physical sexual desire. EROS: (Romance): Eros has been corrupted by the English word “erotic”. Eros is the driver for the romance in the relationship. Sometimes sensual, it is the desire and feeling of wanting to be together and yearning to unite. Eros is romantic, passionate and sentimental. It is the driver which causes lovers to write love poetry, love notes and give pet names to each other. It only keeps working as long as there is reciprocation and we can see benefits. STORGE: (Security): Storge is a most valuable and expensive gift. It is a relationship which will always be there for you, despite being rejected by others; a safe place/haven. It is the need (which we all have) to belong or to be a part of a close knit system with people who care, are loyal and sincere. It is a relationship which provides emotional refuge from a world which can be cold, harsh and hard. PHILEO: (Fellowship/Friendship): Phileo is the love one feels for a cherished friend of either sex. This love is conditional and is reactive to what it sees in the other. It is a love which cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved, but always expects a response. AGAPE: (Unconditional): Agape is the fifth of our five loves. At some point in a relationship, we may be tested harshly indeed by a crisis. Perhaps for a longer period than we could have imagined or expected we have tried to love the unlovable. We are starkly face to face with a situation of “for better or for worse”. Unlovable traits show up in the partner. The toll on you has already been great. Agape is the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without a reciprocal return. That is just too tall an order. Support the show