The Save The Marriage Podcast

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Learn how to save your marriage and improve your relationship. Stop your divorce and restore a loving relationship. Join Dr. Lee H. Baucom for this impactful podcast that can save your marriage.

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200 episodes
Updated Wednesday

Episodes200

Newest first

Wednesday · 17 min
Space vs. Connection??
It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!” Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis. Are they opposites? One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing. Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis. And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting. Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding. (And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.) RELATED RESOURCES What is Space? Why is Connection Important? How To Stop Chasing Taking Responsibility Save The Marriage System VIP Program
July 22 · 26 min
For When Marriage Gets Hard
“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples. What happened? All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife. At the start, it seemed so easy. You wanted to be together, to spend your life together. Then… something shifted. Things got tough. Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person? Or is there something else going on? There are several challenges that arise in any marriage. They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles. They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life. You CAN make it through the struggle. And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken. There IS a place for renewal and connection. Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood Conflict in Marriage Can You Save Your Marriage? Save The Marriage System
July 15 · 23 min
Apology ==> Reconciling
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different. Somewhere better. It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way. Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love. Those four big stops? Apology Forgiving Trusting Reconciling Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road. But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another. You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order. In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate. They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops. Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What’s Your Apology? Ready to Forgive? What is Trust? Save The Marriage System (remember to grab your free week of VIP!)
July 8 · 20 min
Rejection…Protection…Perception!
You are working on your marriage. You reach out toward your spouse. . . only to feel rejected. After that stops you in your tracks. You start doubting yourself, your efforts, your plan. . . . STOP. What if your spouse was not really intending to reject you? What if something else was going on? What if I told you that almost always (I would say "always," but then someone would work hard to prove me wrong), it is not really an attempt to reject. It is really an attempt to protect. Not "protect you." But "protect themselves." What? You say, "They don't need to protect themselves!" But that doesn't mean they don't feel the need to protect themselves. Perceptions. They really get us in trouble. You feel it as rejection. It was meant for protection. The problem is, your perception could throw you off, cause you to pull up, abandon your plan, and wallow in pain. Or you could understand it from your spouse's perception. . . . Listen to the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Connection and Perception Dealing With Pushback System to Save Your Marriage
July 1 · 25 min
Are You Fighting for Connection?
“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.” Oof, that word… “fighting.” I hear it often. But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse. The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward. Which is rarely helpful for the process. But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting. So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.” She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology. Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part. You are fighting for connection! For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons. I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection and Marriage Why are We Fighting No Contact is Crap No Manipulation Save The Marriage System
June 24 · 19 min
Four Fails to Saving Your Marriage
First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage. Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing. Let's be clear about what typically holds people back. And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative. I'll give you that alternative, too. RELATED RESOURCES: Fear and Marriage Your Team for Support Why Does It Matter? Beware of Unhelpful Approaches Save The Marriage System
June 17 · 21 min
What Stage is the Crisis?
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway. But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage! Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis. In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES FACT of the Crisis Can The Marriage Be Saved? Why It Matters Happy or Hurting? Save The Marriage System
June 10 · 14 min
Marriage In The Kettle
You've heard the story about the frog and the kettle. It's the slowly heating water that sneaks up on the frog before it can react. Turns out, frogs are smarter than that. They jump when things get dangerous. But the metaphor survives because it describes something we do in marriage. Except our kettle doesn't heat up. It cools down. Most couples hit a pause button at some point — kids, career, a season of life that demands everything. The intention is good: we've got this, we'll get back to us later. The problem is, there's no suspended animation in a relationship. When you step back from connection, the marriage doesn't hold still. It starts cooling. Slowly. Below the surface. Often for years before you notice. In this episode, I walk you through how it happens, why we miss it, and what it takes to reverse it. RELATED RESOURCE: Training Article: Why Marriages Don't Pause Save The Marriage System
June 3 · 22 min
Having Hope vs. Building Hope
Most people wait for hope to show up. They treat it like weather — something that either arrives or doesn't, something outside their control. And when it doesn't show up, they take that as a sign. Maybe it's over. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there's just nothing left to work with. But what if hope isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you build? Waiting for hope is passive. Building hope is a choice. In this episode, I go back to work from researcher Charles Snyder, who mapped out what hope actually is — not as a feeling, but as a structure. There are ingredients. A recipe. And like any recipe, you can't skip a piece and expect the result to work. Those ingredients are: a clear goal, a willingness to pursue it, and a plan for how to get there. Three things. And most people who feel hopeless are missing at least one of them. Sometimes all three. Here's what's interesting about that. The ingredient people most often think they're missing is willingness. They assume they're the problem. That they don't care enough, or aren't strong enough, or have run out of something. But willingness isn't usually the real problem. The real problem is usually the third ingredient: the plan, the process, the path. Because here's what I've found over 25 years: when someone can actually see the path forward, willingness tends to follow. Not the other way around. In this episode, I also walk through the three things that are actually within your control (what I call the 3 A's) and why most people exhaust themselves working on the wrong things entirely. If you've been feeling stuck, like the motivation just isn't there, or like hope has quietly left the building, then this episode is worth your time. It won't tell you what to want. It won't hand you willingness you'd have to manufacture on your own. But it will show you that building hope is something you can actually do. Right now. With what you already have. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System -- Your Plan The Connection Compass The Hope System
May 27 · 15 min
When You Failed Therapy (Or Therapy Failed YOU)
She did everything right. When her marriage hit a crisis, she and her husband went to therapy. They showed up every week. They stayed with it for months. They did what you're supposed to do. And then the therapist told them she didn't think she could help them. Nothing was working. She didn't see a path forward. They walked out feeling like failures. Like they had somehow flunked marriage therapy. Like the problem was them. Here's what I want you to know: she was wrong about that. And if you've sat in that same chair (or if you've tried the books, the advice, the frameworks, and still feel like nothing is reaching the actual problem) you may be wrong about it too. There's a difference between failing therapy and therapy failing you. And that can change what you do next! This week's episode is about that difference. Why therapy so often doesn't work in a marriage crisis. What's actually being missed. And why the advice that sounds right... and may even be right, can still be completely wrong for the moment you're in. The hiking guide is useless when you need a tourniquet. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System (designed for a marriage crisis) What The Therapist Won't Tell You Factors in Therapy Success or Failure
May 20 · 14 min
When Your Spouse Says Divorce: What To Do In The Next 72 Hours
If your spouse has said the word divorce — or you're afraid they're about to — the next 72 hours matter more than you might think. Not because you can fix everything that quickly. But because what you do in this window will either create a path forward or make recovery significantly harder. In this episode I talk about what's actually happening in this moment — in your brain, in your body, and in the dynamic between you and your spouse — and why the response that feels most necessary right now is probably the one most likely to backfire. After more than three decades helping people through relationship crisis, including 25 years specifically focused on saving marriages, I've seen two very different paths people take when their spouse says divorce. One creates space for something different to happen. The other widens the gap at exactly the wrong moment. Both come from love. Only one works. In this episode: Why hearing "divorce" triggers a crisis response in your brain — and why that response works against you The difference between your spouse making a decision and telling you where they are emotionally What the pursue-pressure pattern looks like — and the cost of following it Why your first instinct, even when it comes from love, tends to push your spouse further away The one shift that changes everything about how you respond Grab the free guide — what to do and what NOT to do in the next 24-72 hours
May 13 · 20 min
CAN Every Marriage Be Saved??
People ask me this all the time. And given that my website is called Save The Marriage, most assume they already know my answer. They're wrong. No. Not every marriage can (or should) be saved. I want to be straight about that. There are situations where saving the marriage is not the goal, and pursuing it would be a mistake. If that's where you are, this episode will tell you clearly. But here's what I also believe: far more marriages could be saved than actually are. And the gap between those two things — what's possible and what actually happens — usually comes down to three specific places where people get stuck. Not effort. Not even willingness. Three very specific places. And once you can see where you're stuck, the path forward gets a lot clearer. This episode also takes on the question I hear constantly from people working on their marriage alone: How do I know if it's too far gone? It's an honest question, and it deserves an honest answer — not false reassurance, but not unnecessary surrender either. There's also something in here about regret. Not as a motivational tactic, but as a real consideration. Because regret is what's left when we don't take action we wish we had. And that's hard to undo, no matter what happens next. This is episode 601. That's a milestone worth noting, and maybe worth listening to if you're standing at your own crossroads right now, trying to figure out whether to keep going or let go. The answer to the question isn't the same for everyone. But there's only one way to find out which answer is yours. RELATED RESOURCES: The ARC of Saving Your Marriage There IS No Try Save The Marriage System
May 6 · 17 min
Is Your Marriage Bankrupt — Or Just Overdrawn?
Most people who contact me have already decided. They've looked at where things stand — the distance, the silence, the failed attempts — and they've reached a conclusion: it's too late. The damage is too deep. Nothing is going to work. Here's the problem with that conclusion. It's almost certainly wrong. Not because things aren't serious. They may be very serious. But because there's a critical difference between a marriage that is truly bankrupt and one that is simply overdrawn — and from the inside, those two things feel exactly the same. I've been using a metaphor lately when talking about marriage and connection, and it keeps resonating with people: the Connection Account. You and your spouse have been making deposits and withdrawals into this account your entire relationship. When you're connecting, really connecting, you're building the balance. When life pulls you in other directions, you're spending it down. But here's what most people miss: neglect isn't neutral. Even when nothing is happening, no fights, no drama, just two people living parallel lives, the account is still losing ground. Because there are service fees attached to disconnection. Hurt. Resentment. The slow feeling of being disregarded. Those fees don't wait for you to notice them. They just keep running. So you hit the pause button without meaning to. And the balance keeps dropping. Until one day you look up and realize you're in the red — deeply overdrawn — and you assume that means you're bankrupt. But overdrawn and bankrupt are not the same thing. Bankruptcy isn't a starting condition. In the real world, both financial or relational, it's a conclusion reached after genuine effort has been made and hasn't moved the needle. Most people who self-diagnose as relationally bankrupt haven't actually tried yet. Not with skill. Not with consistency. Not with any real understanding of how connection is rebuilt. They feel bankrupt. And that feeling is real. But feeling bankrupt is not the same as being bankrupt. In this episode, I'm walking through the Connection Account — what it is, how it gets depleted, what the pause button actually does to the balance, and why the fear of bankruptcy may be the very thing keeping you from discovering that you're not. There's only one way to find out where you actually stand. And it starts with making a move. RELATED RESOURCES Dangers of Pause Podcast Episode "Should I Stay or Go" FREE Guide Save The Marriage System
April 29 · 14 min
Dials and Switches
No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch. Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials -- in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Dangerous Tricks The No-Contact Rule 3C Approach Save The Marriage System
April 22 · 45 min
How to Stop Dysregulaton Before it Stops You – EJ and Tarah Kerwin
You weren't trying to blow it up. You weren't trying to say the thing that sent everything sideways. And yet — there you were, reactive and regretful, wondering how you got there so fast. That's dysregulation. And it is not a character flaw. It's not weakness. It's your nervous system doing exactly what it was wired to do — except it can't tell the difference between a threat in the wild and a look from your spouse across the kitchen. On this episode of the Save the Marriage Podcast, I sat down with EJ and Tara Kerwin, founders of Relationship Renovation, hosts of the Relationship Renovation Podcast, and a couple who — despite being trained therapists — found themselves in the thick of their own marriage crisis. They know this territory from the inside out. Here's what struck me most in our conversation: dysregulation doesn't always look like losing your temper. Sometimes it looks perfectly calm. Controlled. Logical, even. EJ describes how he would shut down internally — fully convinced he was being reasonable — while Tara's system was spinning. Two very different presentations of the same problem. And neither of them could see it clearly in the moment. That matters for you — even if you're navigating this alone. Because you can't control what your spouse does. But you can get much better at catching yourself before you're too far gone to course-correct. In this episode, we talk about: What it actually feels like in your body before you tip over the edge — and how to recognize the early signals Why a trigger is neutral until you assign meaning to it (and what that means for how you respond) The difference between facts and assumptions — and why that distinction can interrupt a spiral before it starts Why curiosity is the path back to empathy, and how your brain is actively working against you getting there This one is worth a listen. Not because every piece of it maps perfectly to working on a marriage alone — but because understanding your own regulation is the starting point for everything else. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Renovation Save The Marriage System
April 15 · 17 min
Addicted to Blame?
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System
April 8 · 17 min
The (Created) Past Hurts Your Marriage
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restore Your Marriage
April 1 · 16 min
Not Knowing vs. Not Doing
You know something is wrong. You might even know, in some general sense, what needs to change. But you're still stuck. Maybe you've tried things. Maybe you've researched, listened, read. Maybe you've had the conversations, made the gestures, given it time. And yet... here you are. There's a reason for that. And it's not what most people assume. Most people in a marriage crisis think they're stuck because of one thing: they either don't have the right information, or they can't seem to act on what they know. Pick one. Figure out which one is your problem. Fix it. Except it's almost never that simple. And treating it that simple is part of why the stuck feeling persists. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'm digging into the real reason most people can't move forward — and why the answer isn't more information, and it isn't just willpower either. There's something underneath the stuck feeling that nobody talks about. And until you name it, you'll keep doing what you've been doing. Which, as you've probably noticed, isn't working. Listen below. (Or find the Save The Marriage Podcast on your favorite podcast app — search "Save The Marriage.") RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Coaching Options
March 25 · 19 min
This Is How You “Diss” Your Marriage
Most people assume a marriage falls apart because something went wrong. A betrayal. A blow-up. A moment where everything changed. But that's rarely how it actually happens. What I've watched — in couple after couple over 25 years — is something much quieter. Much slower. And in a lot of ways, much harder to reverse, because it's almost impossible to see while it's happening. There's a path. A progression. A series of stages that couples move through — not because they want to, not because they're bad people, but because disconnection follows a predictable direction once it gets started. And here's what makes it especially difficult: at each stage, what you notice most is what your spouse is doing. The distance they're creating. The disinterest they're showing. The disrespect coming out in their words. What's harder to see — much harder — is your own place in it. Last week I talked about momentum, and how the pause button sets a relationship moving in a direction most couples don't notice until they're deep into it. This week, I want to talk about where that direction actually leads. Because there are stages. And most people, when they hear them described, can tell you exactly where they are — even if they couldn't have named it before. A few things worth sitting with before you listen: If your spouse feels more like an opponent than a partner right now, when do you think that actually started — and what were the signs you missed? Is it possible that what looks like a character flaw in your spouse is actually a stage in a process? And does that change anything? If you knew there was a map of exactly how disconnection progresses — and a point on that map where you currently are — would that give you more hope or less? That last question matters more than it might seem. This episode walks through the full arc, from the moment connection begins to build, through each stage of how it comes apart, all the way to what I consider the deepest point of crisis. And what it takes, even from one person, to begin reversing it. If you've been wondering how you got here, this is the episode. Listen to this week's Save The Marriage Podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause is a Problem Momentum Hides the Problem Save The Marriage System
March 18 · 21 min
Momentum: The Physics of a Failing Marriage
My high school science teacher almost helped me make TNT in the chemistry lab! That's how this episode starts. But it's not really about chemistry. It's about physics. Specifically, it's about momentum... and why the same force that keeps a relationship strong is also the force that quietly destroys it without anyone noticing until it's almost too late. Here's the thing most couples never consider: love isn't what holds a marriage together over time. It's what starts the process. What actually carries a relationship forward — or pulls it apart — is momentum And momentum follows rules. When couples come to me in crisis, one of the most common things I hear is some version of: "I didn't see it coming." Or: "I thought we were just going through a phase." Or: "I thought once things settled down, we'd get back to each other." They're not wrong that something changed. They're just wrong about when it started. The damage was already done — quietly, gradually, in a direction they couldn't feel — long before the crisis arrived. This episode is about why that happens. And why the natural response most people have when they finally do notice? It often makes it worse. A few things worth thinking about before you listen: If you can feel that your relationship has lost something, but you can't point to when or why — is it possible the answer is further back than you think? What happens to momentum when you stop adding energy to something? And what happens after it stops? Why would reaching hard toward your spouse in a moment of crisis push them further away instead of closer? The physics are more predictable than you'd expect. And understanding them might be the first thing that actually makes sense of where you are. Listen to "Momentum" now, below. If you're past the point of just feeling the drift and you're now in real crisis, the Save The Marriage System is built for exactly this moment. It's the roadmap back, from where momentum has taken you, to where you actually want to go. RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection Resources for Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

The Save The Marriage Podcast

Space vs. Connection??

For When Marriage Gets Hard

Apology ==> Reconciling

Rejection…Protection…Perception!

Are You Fighting for Connection?

Four Fails to Saving Your Marriage

What Stage is the Crisis?

Marriage In The Kettle

Having Hope vs. Building Hope

When You Failed Therapy (Or Therapy Failed YOU)

When Your Spouse Says Divorce: What To Do In The Next 72 Hours

CAN Every Marriage Be Saved??

Is Your Marriage Bankrupt — Or Just Overdrawn?

Dials and Switches

How to Stop Dysregulaton Before it Stops You – EJ and Tarah Kerwin

Addicted to Blame?

The (Created) Past Hurts Your Marriage

Not Knowing vs. Not Doing

This Is How You “Diss” Your Marriage

Momentum: The Physics of a Failing Marriage