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The Reality Between Us

Aja Rutledge

The Reality Between Us explores what happens underneath relationships.

Through the lens of trauma, nervous systems, self-awareness, and relational patterns, Aja Rutledge examines the forces quietly shaping how we connect, conflict, communicate, avoid, trust, and make meaning of our experiences. Most relationship advice focuses on behavior. This podcast explores what's driving the behavior.

Rather than offering formulas or quick fixes, The Reality Between Us looks beneath the surface of our relationships, with partners, family, friends, coworkers, and most importantly, ourselves, to understand the hidden dynamics influencing how we show up and why we keep repeating the patterns we do. Because what happens between people rarely starts between people. Most relationship advice is looking in one place. We're going to look somewhere else.

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10 episodes
weekly
Avg 21 min
English

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#9
Wednesday · 22 min
What Hope Won't Let You See
Hope is usually seen as a good thing. It keeps us going. It gives us something to believe in. But sometimes hope can also keep us in situations when everything happening right now is telling us something different. Sometimes we see people's behavior clearly and still hold onto who we know they could be. We explain things away, focus on the good moments, and keep hoping that eventually those moments will become the norm. But at some point, we have to be willing to look at the actual data. In this episode, we explore: Why some of us struggle to believe people's behavior over their potential. What happens when hope starts overriding the actual data in a relationship. The difference between someone's potential and their willingness to actually live up to it. How familiar relationship dynamics can keep us from seeing what's actually happening. Why radical acceptance can help us make decisions based on what is happening now, not what we hope will happen. How ignoring or filtering out information keeps us from making truly informed decisions about our relationships. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "Hope can become dangerous because hope will keep you there when there's no evidence telling you that you should be staying there." "Some people might have potential, but that doesn't mean they want to exercise the ability to get there." "Your toxic hope overrides the data that's telling you whether they want to do that work or not." "Sometimes the behaviors or the data tells us a story we really don't want to see. Sometimes it tells us a story that's really hard to sit with but that doesn't mean that it's not happening anyway." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#8
August 19 · 25 min
Wanting the Relationship Is the Easy Part
Wanting a relationship doesn't mean you're equipped to have one. We spend a lot of time thinking about the relationships we want, the kind of people we want in our lives, and what we want those relationships to give us. But how often do we stop and consider what we're bringing into them? Wanting the thing is the easy part. Being able to create and sustain it is something else. In this episode, we explore: Why wanting a relationship doesn't automatically mean you're ready for one. The difference between deserving healthy relationships and being equipped to participate in them. Why relationships require us to consider the impact we're having on other people. What it means to consider the experience of being in relationship with you. Whether you're the person the person you want would actually want. Why it's worth questioning what we're asking relationships to fulfill for us. How entering relationships without considering our readiness can leave real damage behind. The skills and maturity it takes to create and sustain healthy relationships. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "Just because you want a thing doesn't mean you are equipped to have the thing." "Do you consider what the experience of you is to others? Like do you ever sit and ask, hey, what's it like to be my friend? What's it like to be in a relationship with me? What's it like to be my child?" "I think everybody deserves healthy relationships. I think everybody wants them and that's fair and everybody deserves them and that's fair but everybody is not ready." "Relationships are major decisions and we don't treat them as if they are. We treat them as if they're experiences we get to jump into and jump out of when it's convenient for us." "The thing is you can leave some relationships but what trail are you leaving behind you?" If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#7
August 12 · 23 min
Validation Isn't the Problem. You Are.
Validation and agreement are not the same thing. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that if we acknowledge another person's experience, we're saying they're right. But what if validation simply means making room for their reality without abandoning your own? In this episode, we explore: Why validation and agreement are not the same thing. Why validation is often the first step toward repair. What gets in the way of validating another person's experience. Why conflict continues when both people are only fighting to be understood. How making room for another person's reality doesn't require abandoning your own. Why repair requires both people to feel heard and received. The role validation plays both inside and outside of conflict. Why some people seem to experience validation as something threatening. The questions to ask yourself when validation feels difficult. How slowing down creates space for different responses in moments of conflict. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "Validation absolutely does not mean I agree with what you're saying. But it does mean I hear you. I get that's where you are." "I do think people are protecting something...and it's getting in the way of mutual relationship and being able to repair and move forward." "The way forward is through repair." "Challenge yourself to see the situation from the other person's experience, not through your lens, because those are not the same things."
#6
August 5 · 25 min
The Reality You're Responding To
How many times have you been absolutely certain you knew what someone meant...only to find out later that's not what was happening at all? In this episode, we're exploring how the state we're in changes what we think we're seeing. Because sometimes we're responding to what's actually happening. And sometimes we're responding to the lens we're looking through. Learning the difference can change our relationships...and ourselves. In this episode Why two people can experience the same interaction and walk away with completely different realities. How the state you're in changes what you think is happening. Why slowing down before reacting matters. What it looks like to recognize when someone else's state is driving the interaction. Simple ways to start noticing the state you're bringing into your day. Episode Thoughts To Sit With "You and the person are literally in two different realities thinking you're in the same reality." "The state is the way you perceive the world." "Don't observe yourself and then chastise yourself or criticize yourself. We're literally just observing." "Sometimes they are too activated in their own stuff...that doesn't mean you have to be." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#5
July 29 · 19 min
Seeing What’s There
People often ask whether someone is the right person for them. But we don't spend nearly enough time asking whether that person has the capacity to meet us where we are. In this episode, we explore why understanding another person's relationship with themselves tells us more about the relationship that's possible than what they say they want. We look at how to recognize emotional capacity, why people can't meet us in places they can't meet themselves, and why accepting where someone actually is can be one of the kindest things we do, for them and for ourselves. We explore: Why the depth of a relationship is shaped by each person's relationship with themselves. What it means to assess someone's capacity instead of judging them. How to recognize when someone can, or can't, meet you where you are. Why emotional intimacy begins with intimacy with yourself. The difference between accepting where someone is and trying to change them. Why forcing people beyond their capacity creates suffering for both people. How self-awareness helps us communicate honestly about what we can and cannot give. Why understanding another person's capacity helps us build healthier relationships. How compassion and discernment can exist at the same time. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "We need to understand where other people are so we can understand what type of dynamic we can have with them, so that we're not beating our own heads up against the wall. So we're not trying to create something that's not creatable." "It's important to know where you are with that because it is also unkind for somebody else to be looking for depth from you. And if you can't give it, it's unkind for you to act like you can... We have to have the self-awareness to assess where we are, assess what our capabilities are, and be honest." "It is unkind of us to expect someone to be able to meet us in a place where they can't meet themselves." "Sometimes in relationships, no one is to blame. People are just where they are." "It's kinder to say, 'I see where you are. This is where I am. These places just don't align at this time in our lives.' I respect that, and I hope you can respect that too." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#4
July 22 · 22 min
You Say You Care. But Do You?
We use the word care all the time. We say we care about people. We tell people we care. But what does care actually mean? In this episode, we explore why care is more than a feeling; it's a way of moving and being in relationships. We look at why someone can genuinely feel something for us without actually caring for us, how care is demonstrated through behavior rather than words, and why learning to care for ourselves changes what we're willing to accept from others. In this episode, we explore: Why care is more than a feeling and has to translate into behavior. The difference between saying you care and actually creating the experience of being cared for. How care often requires us to move beyond our own comfort and convenience. Why staying present with another person's discomfort can be an act of care. How self-protection can get in the way of caring well for others. How our own experiences of care shape what we recognize and accept in relationships. Why learning to care for yourself changes what you'll accept from others. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "Many of us don't actually know what caring is. Many of us don't actually have the experience of being cared for." "Your words alone do not create a sense in my body of being cared for, especially if your words are saying one thing and your behavior is saying another." "Care translates to behavior. Care translates to holding one in esteem as much as you hold yourself in esteem." "People need to be able to feel what we say we feel about them. They need to know it, not because we say it, but because they can feel it." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#3
July 15 · 22 min
Good Intentions Aren't Enough
People tend to think that if their intentions were good then that should settle it. But relationships don't happen inside intentions. They happen in the impact we have on each other. In this episode, we explore why intent and impact aren't competing ideas; they're two sides of the same coin. We look at why good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes, how trauma and survival mode shape what we give and receive, and why repair starts with being willing to hear another person's experience, even when it isn't what we hoped to hear. We explore: Why intent and impact are two sides of the same coin. Why good intentions don't automatically create a healthy impact. How trauma and survival mode shape the way we interpret other people's actions. Why another person's experience deserves to be heard, even when it wasn't our intention. How defensiveness gets in the way of repair. Why repair is the foundation of healthy relationships, not the absence of conflict. The role emotional safety plays in difficult conversations. Why both people have work to do when intent and impact don't align. What it takes to move forward without dismissing either person's experience. Episode Thoughts to Sit With "Intent and impact are not two opposing things. They're two sides of the same coin." "You’ve got to be able to listen to the impact you had on others, even if it doesn't feel good." "Everybody wants their experience heard." "When we are in a place where we can't even hear each person's truth about the situation…about how something affected us…we never allow the door to open for repair. We shut the door for repair. And that is the beginning of the deterioration of relationships." "Even when you heal, it's not that it's not there, it's that it's quieter." "We gotta care about the other person's experience as much as we care about our own experience." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#2
July 8 · 23 min
Maybe It's Not a Communication Problem
Communication is one of the first things we point to when a relationship is struggling. But what if communication isn't the place to start? In this episode, we explore why communication is only as healthy as the people participating in it. We look at how trauma, nervous system activation, internal safety, and our need to be understood shape what happens long before words are ever spoken. We also explore why explaining yourself over and over isn't always a sign that you need to communicate better—it may be a sign that something entirely different is happening. We explore: Why communication alone can't create healthy relationships. How trauma shapes what we hear, not just what is said. What happens to our ability to think, process, and communicate when we're activated. Why regulation and internal safety are prerequisites to healthy communication. The difference between someone misunderstanding you and someone being unwilling to understand you. Why over-explaining is often driven by our own unmet needs rather than the other person's confusion. How to recognize when a conversation is no longer productive. Why learning to "read the room" includes reading the other person's capacity, not just their words. The "gnomes" analogy for understanding the invisible conversations happening underneath every conversation. Why healing changes the conversations you're able to have, not because you've mastered communication, but because you've changed what you're bringing into it. Episode Thoughts to Sit With The following are direct excerpts from this episode. "We're talking about communication, but there's pre-work we gotta do to get to the thing." "You have distorted what is happening in the room into what is happening inside your body. And you don't even know it." "You must come into the space regulated. You must come into the space grounded. You must come into the space safe in your own body." "They caught what the fuck you was putting down. They just didn't give a damn about it." "You're creating safety to be safe for you." "We skip all the pre-work and then wonder why shit blows up within minutes every time." If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
#1
July 1 · 24 min
Before We Talk About Relationships
Before we talk about relationships with other people, we have to understand the relationship we're having with ourselves. In this opening episode, I share the experiences that shaped the perspective behind this podcast and why I believe healing isn't just about understanding trauma...it's about rebuilding the relationship with yourself. We explore self-compassion, self-trust, boundaries, over-functioning, and the role they play in every relationship we'll discuss moving forward. We explore: Why the relationship with yourself is the foundation of every other relationship. How trauma shapes the way we engage in relationships long after the original experiences. Why healing is a relationship of getting back to yourself. The role of self-compassion in changing how we see ourselves and our experiences. Why the voice in our head isn't always our own. How beliefs are created to help us survive. What over-functioning looks like in relationships. Why doing "more" isn't always the answer. The perspective that will guide every conversation on this podcast. Episode Thoughts to Sit With The following are direct excerpts from this episode. "The primary relationship is with yourself." "One thing that people really don't talk about around trauma is how it is a relationship of getting back to you..." "If you're only doing your part and nothing goes forward, that's information." "Even if the problem is them, it's still your work to determine why are you here? Why are you engaging with it?" If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com. Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
June 14 · 2 min
Introducing The Reality Between Us
New here? Start here. In this short introduction, I share what The Reality Between Us is about, why I created it and the conversations we'll be having about relationships, self-awareness, conflict, connection, and the hidden dynamics that shape them all. If you're ready to look a little deeper, start here.

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