The PDA Parenting Podcast

Letting Go of Expectations as a PDA Parent: Grief, Rest & Connection

If you’re parenting a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), you’ve probably heard “just lower the demands.” But what if lowering demands isn’t enough on its own? In this episode of The PDA Parenting Podcast, parent coach Amy Kotha explores what it really means to let go of expectations for our PDA kids. We talk about where our “shoulds” come from, why our neurodivergent kids can feel the pressure of an expectation even when we never say a word, and why letting go so often involves grief. Amy also shares a personal story about her own daughter’s journey through burnout, and about grieving an expectation she didn’t realize she was holding right alongside her. You’ll hear why rest isn’t a pause from growth, but where healing and restoration happen. In this episode: Why letting go of expectations isn’t giving up on your child Where our parenting expectations come from, and what they cost us Why low-demand parenting works best when we let go of the expectation underneath the demand Seeing behavior as communication, not defiance Grief, burnout, and rest as restoration Three simple practices to try this week Work with Amy: The next cohort of Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors, a 12-week parent education and coaching course created by Robyn Gobbel and adapted for PDA families, begins in January, 2027!! Very small-group, weekly live coaching is included so you can apply what you’re learning to your own family. Learn more and register now: https://amykcoach.com/parentcourse Resources mentioned: Dr. Mona Delahooke, Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges (PESI, 2019) Dr. Mona Delahooke on the Think Inclusive podcast: Beyond Behavior Charts: Rethinking Discipline with Dr. Mona Delahooke Tricia Hersey, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto (Little, Brown Spark, 2022)

• Transcript

Ep. 25 | When Your Child Is Dysregulated with Stacy Nation

What happens when your child is dysregulated - and suddenly you are, too? In this episode of the PDA Parenting Podcast, Amy talks with therapist, author, and educator Stacy Nation about what’s happening beneath challenging behavior, why co-regulation matters, and how our own childhood experiences and nervous-system patterns can shape the way we respond to our kids. They explore co-regulation, empathy, parent triggers, school struggles, and why connection is so important when parenting PDA and neurodivergent children. In this episode: Why behavior is often a stress response How to recognize nervous system overload Co-regulation and empathy during meltdowns How our own childhood patterns affect parenting Why connection matters more than compliance A compassionate conversation about helping our kids regulate - while learning to understand and regulate ourselves. Looking for more PDA parenting support? Learn more about Amy’s approach and ways to work with her: amykcoach.com. Connect with Stacy Nation: Learn more about Stacy, her book What Really Happens in Therapy: Behind Closed Doors: A Guided Journey to Healing, courses, and other resources at gobeyou.org.

• Transcript

PDA Parenting: When Compliance Thinking Hides in Neuro-affirming Parenting

Even when we understand PDA, autonomy, nervous system safety, and the difference between “can’t” and “won’t,” old compliance-based parenting patterns can still sneak in. In this episode, Amy explores how even compassionate, PDA-friendly strategies can quietly become focused on getting our child to comply - and what changes when we replace “How do I get my child to do this?” with “What might I not understand yet?” Through personal stories about parenting her daughter, Amy talks about fluctuating capacity, invisible disability, scaffolding independence, family-of-origin messages, parental nervous system activation, and the fear that we may be “doing too much.” The goal isn’t perfect neuroaffirming parenting. It’s noticing when fear and urgency take over, getting curious about what’s happening - for our child and for ourselves - and finding our way back to connection. Because maybe the opposite of compliance isn’t permissiveness. Maybe it’s curiosity. If this episode resonated with you and you’re looking for more compassionate, practical support for parenting a PDA or neurodivergent child, visit AmyKCoach.com to explore resources, coaching, and ways to work with me. You don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes the next step is simply understanding what’s happening a little differently.

• Transcript

Autistic Meltdowns: Why They Begin Long Before the Meltdown

Why do autistic meltdowns seem to happen over something so small? In this episode of The PDA Parenting Podcast, parent coach Amy Kotha explores why the visible trigger is rarely the true cause of a meltdown. Through the fictional story of Emma, Amy illustrates how sensory challenges, masking, unexpected changes, and accumulated stress can overwhelm a child's nervous system long before a meltdown occurs. Listeners will gain a deeper understanding of why meltdowns aren't manipulative or intentional - they're often the result of a nervous system that has simply reached its limit. In this episode, you'll learn: Why the final trigger usually isn't the real cause of a meltdown How stress and sensory overload build throughout the day Why many children hold it together at school and melt down at home How meltdowns can change as children grow into teens and adults A compassionate question that can transform the way parents respond to challenging behaviors Looking for additional support? Amy's 16-week Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors course + coaching program helps parents better understand their child's nervous system, reduce conflict, and build stronger family connections using brain-based strategies adapted specifically for PDA families. The course was developed by Robyn Gobbel and is facilitated by Amy. Each week includes a live discussion/coaching session to help you integrate the concepts and apply - in real time - to your specific family. 👉 Learn more here: PDA Parent Course Details

• Transcript

Holding Grief (And Each Other)

Grief isn't only about death. Sometimes it's saying goodbye to a season of parenting. Sometimes it's watching your child grow up. Sometimes it's the end of a coaching group, a move, a beloved pet, or simply the realization that life is changing. In this deeply personal episode, Amy shares a week filled with endings - including the unexpected loss of her family's beloved dog, Keira - and the powerful lessons it taught her about grief, nervous systems, parenting, and love. If you're raising a PDA or neurodivergent child, you'll also hear why grief doesn't always look like sadness. It may show up as increased anxiety, control, demand avoidance, irritability, shutdowns, or emotional overwhelm. Most importantly, you'll learn why your job isn't to fix your child's grief - but to help them feel safe enough to move through it. In this episode, you'll discover: • Why grief is often disguised as stress, burnout, or overwhelm • How PDA and neurodivergent children may express grief differently • Why co-regulation matters more than having the "right" words • How to support highly empathetic children through loss • The importance of allowing different family members to grieve in different ways • Why your nervous system isn't looking for perfection—it is looking for connection and "enough" • How to hold gratitude and grief at the same time Whether you're navigating the loss of a loved one, parenting through big life transitions, or simply feeling emotionally exhausted, this episode offers gentle permission to slow down, honor your emotions, and remember that grief is evidence of love. If this episode touched your heart, I'd love for you to share it with another parent who may need this reminder today. And if you're looking for compassionate support as you navigate life with your PDA or neurodivergent child, I'd love to welcome you into one of my coaching programs. www.amykcoach.com/parentcourse You don't have to do this alone.

What If PDA Isn't A Behavior Problem?

What if PDA isn't a behavior problem at all? In this episode, Amy explores a powerful shift in perspective that can change how parents understand PDA. Instead of viewing avoidance, refusal, aggression, or meltdowns as the problem, what if these behaviors are actually signals from a nervous system working hard to stay safe? Drawing on the work of Robyn Gobbel, Mona Delahooke, Bruce Perry, and emerging PDA research, Amy discusses the connection between autonomy, anxiety, nervous system states, and protective behaviors. She explains why traditional behavior-focused approaches often fall short and offers a compassionate framework for understanding what may be happening beneath the surface. If you've ever wondered why your child can desperately want something one moment and refuse it the next, this episode will help you see those struggles through a new lens - one rooted in connection, curiosity, and nervous system safety. In this episode you'll learn: • Why PDA may be better understood as a nervous system difference rather than a behavior problem • The difference between connection states and protection states • How autonomy and safety are deeply connected • Why avoidance may be information rather than defiance • Questions to ask when behavior escalates • How shifting your perspective can reduce conflict and increase understanding Want support implementing these strategies in your own family? Amy's small-group, 4-month coaching program helps parents understand PDA through a nervous-system lens while receiving personalized coaching, education, and community support. Enrollment is currently open with limited spots available! Learn more at www.amykcoach.com/parentcourse.

What Has Fear Convinced You Is Your Job? (And Why You're So Exhausted)

Many parents of PDA, autistic, and other neurodivergent children find themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, and constantly worried about their child's future. But what if fear has quietly convinced you that you're responsible for things no parent can actually control? In this episode, I explore the difference between helping and carrying, why uncertainty is so difficult for our brains, and how fear can expand our parenting "job description" until we're carrying the weight of our child's emotions, choices, and outcomes. We'll discuss: • What fear has convinced you is your job • The difference between supporting and owning your child's struggles • Why PDA parenting feels so exhausting • The Serenity Prayer and learning what we can and cannot control • A simple question that can transform how you approach challenges: "Whose problem is this?" • How to stay deeply connected to your child without losing yourself in the process If you've ever felt responsible for making sure your child is okay, this episode is for you. Registration is now open!! Learn more about Amy's PDA Parent Coaching Program at amykcoach.com/parentcourse.

When Boundaries Break Down: Parenting PDA Kids Through Unpredictability, Nervous System Safety & Letting Go of Control

After a break for health and recovery, Amy returns with a powerful conversation on boundaries, unpredictability, and nervous system regulation. If you’ve ever felt like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster - hopeful one moment and overwhelmed the next - this episode will help you understand why unpredictability feels so destabilizing and how to stay steady through it. Amy explores the connection between control, codependency patterns, and parenting, and reframes boundaries as internal anchors that help you stay regulated without losing connection to your child. You’ll walk away with a new perspective on capacity vs. consistency, letting go of control, and becoming a grounded, safe presence your child can return to. If you’re wanting support in actually applying this work in your real life, I’d love to invite you into my 4-month small group coaching program. The summer cohort begins in June, and we start by working through Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors - guided by Amy and thoughtfully adapted for PDA families. From there, we continue together with small group coaching, where you’ll get ongoing support as you practice staying regulated, holding boundaries, and navigating the real-life challenges that come up in your family. This space is designed to help you move from understanding the concepts to truly living them - with guidance, community, and compassion along the way. Click here to find all the details and join the summer cohort: 4-Month Coaching Program Amy references insights similar to those taught by Dr. Brad Reedy and frameworks like Al-Anon, alongside the work of Robyn Gobbel.

PDA, Food Preoccupation, and Weight Gain: Nervous System Parenting for Neurodivergent Kids

If you’re parenting a PDA child or teen and food feels scary right now, this episode is for you. Many PDA kids experience food preoccupation, binge-like eating, weight changes, or rigid food preferences - often as a response to stress, loss of autonomy, or nervous system overload. In this episode, we explore food and eating through a nervous-system-informed, non-diet-culture lens, so you can respond with clarity instead of fear. You’ll learn: Why binge-like eating and food rigidity are coping strategies, not character flaws How restriction, pressure, and “fixing” increase threat for PDA nervous systems Why felt safety must come before behavior change How dopamine, sensory regulation, and stress relief intersect with eating The subtle ways diet culture fuels parental panic, even when we think we’ve rejected it This episode is especially supportive for parents familiar with nervous system parenting and concepts from Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: A Course for Parents by Robyn Gobbel (the base of my now-open PDA parent program!) but who feel activated, scared, or stuck when food and weight concerns arise. You don’t have to solve this today. Regulation, curiosity, and compassion matter much more than control or perfection. Scope & Safety Note This episode discusses eating patterns that can emerge as nervous system responses to stress and demand, particularly in PDA children and teens. This conversation is not intended to diagnose or rule out eating disorders and is not a substitute for medical, nutritional, or mental health care. Some children do experience eating disorders and require individualized, professional support. If you have concerns about your child’s physical safety, growth, or medical risk, please seek appropriate professional care alongside listening. Resources Mentioned Ellyn Satter Institute – Feeding relationships & division of responsibility Katja Rowell, MD – Child feeding & body trust SOS Feeding Therapy – Nervous-system-informed feeding STAR Institute – Feeding therapy & sensory integration Interested in deeper support? Enrollment is opening next week for my 4-month nervous-system-informed program for parents of PDA children and teens. This is for parents who want practical guidance, regulation support, and low-demand strategies - without pressure or “fixing” their child. The core of this program is Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors: A Course for Parents (created by Robyn Gobbel and adapted for PDA by Amy Kotha). You can learn more and see if it feels like a fit by clicking HERE.

Why Traditional Parenting Programs Don’t Work for PDA Families - and What I Do Instead

Traditional parenting programs often don’t work for PDA families - not because parents aren’t trying hard enough, but because the structure itself creates pressure. In this episode, I share why I stopped offering a weekly parenting class and what flexible, PDA-informed support can look like instead. What if the problem isn’t you - or your child - but the structure of the support you’ve been offered? In this episode, I’m sharing why I stopped offering a traditional weekly parenting class for PDA families - and what I created instead. After listening closely to PDA parents, it became clear that rigid schedules, fixed weekly meetings, and pressure to “keep up” often make support inaccessible - even when parents deeply want help. Here, I talk about: Why traditional parenting programs often don’t work for PDA families How nervous system safety impacts a parent’s ability to access support Why flexibility and autonomy matter just as much for parents as they do for kids How I redesigned my parent education and coaching program to fit real life What it means to look at the environment - not the child or parent - when something isn’t working The educational foundation of this work is the Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: A Course for Parents by Robyn Gobbel, which I offer under license and integrate through a PDA-informed lens with coaching support. This program is offered on a rolling enrollment basis, with space for up to 12 families at a time. When the program is full, families are invited to join a waitlist until an opening becomes available. Whether or not this program is the right fit for you, my hope is that this episode offers reassurance, permission, and a reminder that needing a different structure doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. To learn more or check current availability, visit my website: www.amykcoach.com/parentcourse

When Learning Shuts Down: PDA, School Trauma, and Why Traditional Education Stops Working (Part 2)

When Learning Shuts Down: PDA, School Trauma, and Why Traditional Education Stops Working (Part 1)

What happens when learning shuts down - at school, at home, everywhere? In Part One of this two-part conversation, I’m joined by educator and consultant Danielle Rodda to talk about why learning becomes unsafe for so many PDA and neurodivergent kids. In this episode, we explore: Why compliance-based education doesn’t work for PDA nervous systems How school trauma and chronic pressure shut learning down Why “more supports” still aren’t enough The emotional weight parents carry when nothing seems to help This episode is about context and permission - understanding that when learning stops, it’s not because you or your child are failing. Note: This conversation continues in Part Two, where we shift into rebuilding safety around learning, unlearning harmful narratives, and what learning can look like once pressure is removed. Support for Parents: 12-Week Course Now Open If this episode resonates, I want you to know you don’t have to navigate this alone! Registration is currently open for the 12-week parent course: Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, created by Robyn Gobbel and adapted specifically for PDA families and led by Amy Kotha. ✨ Bonus Session Included: Danielle Rodda, Neurodivergent Consulting, will join us for a bonus session focused on PDA + learning, unlearning, and the return to learning. 🔗 Registration is open now: Click HERE for details! To connect with Danielle Rodda: @danielleroddaconsulting IG Substack daniellerodda.ca

The “Good Mom” Myth: How PDA Parents Can Break Free from Holiday Judgment and Comparison

The holidays hit PDA parents harder - and it’s not your fault. In this episode, we break down why judgment, comparison, overwhelm, and the “good mom” myth intensify this time of year - and what’s really happening inside your nervous system and your child’s. You’ll learn: • why your child’s overwhelm triggers your own • how identity friction fuels shame • why holiday environments activate threat states • the parallel process between your nervous system and theirs • how comparison becomes a safety strategy • the difference between belief work and crisis work • how SOOTHE supports in-the-moment connection And if you already know you want deeper support, the 12-week January program (created by Robyn Gobbel) is the next step - where we get deeper, turn these nervous system tools into lived, everyday practice and gain parenting confidence. Registration opens this week! Limited enrollment. Click HERE for Details + Registration! * Mentioned in episode: 'Echolocation for worth' concept comes from the work of Kara Loewentheil

Talking About Adoption, Autism & Identity: What to Do When You’re Afraid to Get It Wrong

In this episode, Amy explores why some kids - especially adopted, autistic, or PDA-identifying kids - avoid talking about their story, whether it’s adoption, trauma, or a new diagnosis. Using personal experiences from raising her two daughters, she explains how these conversations activate the nervous system and why avoidance is often about safety, not refusal. You’ll learn how to share your child’s story without triggering demand avoidance, how to “drip in” information gently over time, and why honesty paired with safety builds stronger identity and self-esteem. Amy also introduces her SAFE Story Framework to help parents approach disclosure with confidence and connection. Mentioned in This Episode Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior workshop (created by Robyn Gobbel, adapted for PDA and led by Amy Kotha) - December 5th @ 12 PM ET Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors - a Parent Course (created by Robyn Gobbel, adapted for PDA and led by Amy Kotha) the 12-week parenting experience beginning January 12th, 2026 Doors Open!! Click HERE for details + registration!

You Don’t Have to Fix Your Child: The Shift That Changes Everything

In this episode, Amy speaks directly to the part of every parent that whispers, “You’ve got to fix this.” Drawing from her own journey - from years of researching and even attending graduate school to understand her child’s behavior - she shares what she’s learned about the nervous system, safety, and why trying to “fix” our children keeps both parent and child stuck in a cycle of stress. Listeners will hear how Amy reframed her approach to parenting a neurodivergent, PDA-profile child - and how understanding safety as the foundation for behavior can transform family life. This episode is a powerful reminder that parenting isn’t about control; it’s about connection, curiosity, and co-regulation. In This Episode, Amy Shares: Why the “fix-it” mindset is so common (and so exhausting) for parents How understanding the nervous system changes everything about behavior The role of safety and connection in regulating both parent and child How parents can step out of fear and into curiosity - even on hard days What it means to create “cues of safety” for both yourself and your child Mentioned in This Episode: Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors – A Parent Course Developed by Robyn Gobbel, MSW, and adapted for PDA parents/led by Amy Kotha. ➡️ Click HERE for details + registration! Bonus Session inside the January 12-week course with Danielle Rodda, Neurodivergent Consulting: Exploring unschooling and homeschooling for PDA kids - how to lower pressure, rebuild trust, and make learning feel safe again. Connect with Amy: Instagram → @amykcoach Website → www.amykcoach.com

From Fear to Hope: Parenting Through Crisis with Compassion

In this heartfelt episode, Amy opens up about a recent family crisis that brought her to her knees - and the quiet resilience that helped her rise again. Through personal reflection, she explores the science of co-regulation, the role of community in healing, and what clinical psychologist Dr. Matt Zakreski calls “psychological capital” - hope as something we can actively build through small acts of connection. You’ll leave with compassion, clarity, and a practical 5-step plan for crisis moments - so you can respond with love, not fear. Resources Mentioned: Dr. Matt Zakresky — In the Business of Hope: How to Keep Believing When Things Feel Impossible Dr. Mona Delahooke — The Developmental Iceberg: Looking Below the Surface of Challenging Behaviors Crisis & Suicide Lifeline (U.S.) — Call or text 988 Find a Helpline (International) — findahelpline.com 📄 Download Amy’s ND-Accommodating Family Safety Plan - a neurodivergent-affirming guide to help you stay grounded and prepared during emotional storms. ❤️ Get your free copy by clicking HERE Join the waitlist for Amy’s new 12-week parent course: “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors - a course for parents” - created by Robyn Gobbel and led by Amy Kotha. Adapted for families raising sensitive, PDA, or neurodivergent kids who need a new kind of understanding. Join the Waitlist → Click HERE

Why Hygiene is Hard for PDA Autistic Kids (and How Parents Can Help)

Why is hygiene such a struggle for PDA autistic kids? And why does pushing only make it harder? In this episode of the PDA Parenting Podcast, Amy explores the real reasons behind resistance to toothbrushing, showering, and other daily self-care routines. You’ll learn how nervous system responses, sensory sensitivities, and demand avoidance all play a role, and why it’s never about laziness or willfulness. Amy shares practical, creative strategies that ease the pressure, support autonomy, and restore connection - so parents can move away from shame and toward compassion. Whether it’s silly characters like “Ms. Helga,” salon visits, or scaffolding with small steps, this conversation offers hope, empathy, and tools for families walking this path. Want more support? Join the waitlist for my upcoming 12-week parent course, Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors (developed by Robyn Gobbel, led by me, Amy K). You’ll be the first to know when doors open! 👉 Join the waitlist here: https://amykcoach.myflodesk.com/bafflingbehaviors

Scaffolding Through Life Transitions: Supporting PDA Teens with Safety & Collaboration

Parenting a PDA teen means our role is always evolving - and nowhere is that more clear than during big life transitions like starting college, a first job, or moving away from home. In this episode of The PDA Parenting Podcast, Amy Kotha shares how scaffolding, cues of safety, and collaborative strategies can help PDA teens and young adults navigate overwhelming changes without collapsing under the weight of demands. Drawing on neuroscience, polyvagal theory, and her own experience supporting her PDA autistic daughter as she transitioned into college life, Amy explores: What scaffolding really means for PDA kids, teens, and young adults Why cues of safety* (sensory, emotional, relational) are not extras but nervous system essentials How to lower demands and support autonomy through collaboration What these transitions mean for parents, whose nervous systems are also adapting and shifting Whether your child is starting a new school year, leaving home, or facing any big change, this episode will help you reframe scaffolding as a strength - a bridge toward growth, safety, and connection. Because while this path is hard, your presence, your love, your being - is enough. * Gobbel, R. (Host). (2020–present). The Parenting After Trauma Podcast [Audio podcast]. Robyn Gobbel, LLC. https://robyngobbel.com/podcast

Voice, Vision, and Validation: A Conversation With Diane Gould on Empowering Neurodivergent Lives

In this powerful episode of The PDA Parenting Podcast, host Amy Kotha is joined by Diane Gould, LCSW - a veteran therapist, late-diagnosed autistic woman, and Director of PDA North America. Diane shares her personal journey to discovering her neurodivergence and how it informs her professional mission to amplify PDA awareness and advocacy across the continent. Together, Amy and Diane dive into what it truly means for neurodivergent individuals - especially those with a PDA profile - to find their voice in a world that often misunderstands them. From school struggles and masking to identity, self-advocacy, and parenting with presence, this episode is rich with insight, validation, and practical wisdom. Highlights: Diane’s late autism diagnosis and the surprising story behind it The founding and mission of PDA North America The power of lived experience in supporting PDA families Rethinking behavior through the lens of curiosity and nervous system regulation What it means to scaffold our kids' voices — not replace them A vision for a truly neurodivergent-affirming world Resources & Contact: 📚 Navigating PDA in America by Diane Gould & Ruth Fidler 🌐 PDA North America www.pdanorthamerica.org PEERS®-Inspired Friendship & Relationship Program https://dianegouldtherapy.com/peers/ 📧 Email: info@pdanorthamerica.org or dianegouldtherapy@gmail.com ✨ To learn more about Amy’s work or to get coaching support, visit www.amykcoach.com

Life with a PDA Sibling: A Raw Conversation with Devi

What is it really like to grow up with a sibling who has PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) autism? In this powerful episode, I sit down with my daughter Devika -an autistic, ADHD teen herself - to talk about her personal experience as the sister of a PDA child. Devi shares openly about the emotional ups and downs, how family dynamics were affected, and what helped her feel seen in a home where one child needed constant support. This heartfelt conversation touches on the invisible sibling role, neurodivergent family dynamics, and the unique challenges of being both a support system and a child navigating her own needs. If you’re a parent wondering how to support your neurotypical or neurodivergent child alongside a PDA sibling, this episode is a must-listen! • Growing up with a sister who struggled with leaving the house for school created early confusion and stress • Feeling the need to stay quiet and not express needs because they "weren't as important" as her sister's • Taking on the "mascot" role in the family – using humor and distraction to cope with difficult situations • Finding school to be a crucial escape from home life struggles • The importance of discovering "safe people" outside the family who see you as an individual • Learning that PDA outbursts aren't personal: "They take it out on you because they know you're somebody who will never leave them" • How sibling relationships can evolve positively over time with understanding and communication • Advice for siblings currently living through difficult family dynamics with PDA Download the free guide "Invisible Roles in PDA Families" through amykcoach.com to explore the roles your children might be taking on and find ways to better support all family members.

• Transcript
• Chapters