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The Messy Middle Podcast

Erika Leon

The podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control.

I'm Erika Leon, trauma-informed Abuse Recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the Six Keys to Unfu*kwithable.

I have walked thousands of women through the part after the leaving where the adrenaline fades, the grief hits, and the world really wants you to just move on.

If you are picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the fuck you were before you were so carefully erased, you are in the right place.

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#45
Thursday · 49 min
45 | Ghosts of Holidays Past: When Holidays Bring Back Memories...
As we head into the holiday season, I want to talk about the ghosts of holidays past: the memories, traditions, and versions of ourselves that can come rushing back when we least expect them. After abuse, betrayal, or divorce, looking back at old Christmas photos or unpacking familiar decorations can bring up a complicated mix of emotions. You might remember genuinely happy moments and then question whether any of it was real. You might miss the house, the traditions, or the family life you once imagined, while knowing perfectly well that you don't want the relationship back. And you might find yourself judging the woman you were, wondering how she didn't see what was happening or why she stayed. In this episode, I'm unpacking: Why the holidays can bring back an entire life, not just individual memories How happy memories can be real even when the relationship surrounding them was unhealthy or abusive Why missing parts of your old life doesn't mean you want your old relationship back The invisible emotional and practical labour women carry when they're responsible for creating the holiday magic How financial abuse and post-separation instability affect not just mothers, but the children living through those consequences Why the atmosphere, safety, and freedom children experience at home matter just as much as the presents and traditions How to stop judging your former self with information and perspective you only gained later Why you don't have to throw away every tradition associated with your old life, and how you can decide what you want to keep, change, or reclaim A simple practice to help you make sense of difficult holiday memories without forcing yourself to feel differently I want you to remember that you don't have to put your past into neat little boxes labelled good and bad. You can grieve what you lost without wanting it back. You can keep the memories that still mean something to you, and let go of the ones that hurt. And you can look back at the woman you were with a little more tenderness. Your past may haunt you for a while, but it doesn't get to decide that the love, joy, and magic you created weren't real. The footprints were real. The excitement was real. And so was the woman who made it all happen, even when she was absolutely exhausted. Those memories belong to you. And you get to decide what they mean now. If the holiday season is bringing up things you're struggling to make sense of, you'll find details about my one-to-one holiday coaching sessions in the show notes. Until next time, take care of yourselves. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#44
October 29 · 35 min
44 | You Don't Owe Your Suffering A Success Story
In this episode, I’m talking about something I think survivors are asked to do far too often: turn their suffering into something meaningful. We’re told to grow from it, become stronger because of it, find our purpose, build an incredible life, and somehow make the whole experience worth it. But what if you don’t want to? What if what happened to you was simply awful, unfair, and costly, and you don’t owe anyone a beautiful lesson at the end of it? In this episode, I’m unpacking: Why survivors are often given an entire “recovery job description” on top of everything they’re already carrying The pressure to heal correctly, move on, forgive, grow, and become “better” after trauma Why you can love who you’ve become without being grateful for what happened to you The difference between finding meaning in your experience and believing the experience was necessary How spiritual and self-development language can sometimes turn into another form of victim-blaming Why we need to make room for grief, loss, anger, and the things you simply cannot get back The pressure to build an extraordinary life as if your trauma is owed some kind of return on investment Why a quiet, ordinary, peaceful life can be just as powerful as an inspirational success story How to move the credit back to yourself for the strength, courage, wisdom, and resilience you developed What it means to create something beautiful from your life without pretending the fire that destroyed the old one was a gift I don't want you to feel like you have to redeem your suffering. You don't owe anyone an inspirational ending, and you don't have to become extraordinary enough to justify what happened to you. Maybe you build something enormous. Maybe you build something quiet. Maybe the greatest transformation is simply that the suffering stopped and your life finally became yours. And honestly? That's more than enough. If you're at that strange point where the emergency is mostly over and you're trying to figure out who you are and what you actually want now, that's some of my favorite work to do with my clients. You'll find more about my one-to-one and laser coaching in the show notes. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#43
October 22 · 40 min
43 | What If You Don't Want To Be The Bigger Person
“Be the bigger person.” “Take the high road.” “Don’t be bitter.” “Think of the children.” Sometimes these phrases are genuinely useful. Sometimes they’re another way of telling the person who was harmed to absorb more of someone else’s behavior without becoming inconvenient. In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m unpacking the hidden cost of always being told to take the high road, especially when you’re recovering from abuse, navigating post-separation abuse, or trying to rebuild your sense of agency after years of having your reactions monitored and controlled. I’m talking about: Why we can become more focused on how the person who was harmed is responding than on the behavior that caused the harm The “Hydra” of messages that can all lead back to the same idea: contain yourself, don’t make waves, and don’t make other people uncomfortable The difference between self-command and imposed restraint Why anger isn't automatically a sign that you're bitter, unhealed, or becoming like the person who hurt you How women can end up trying to “win the breakup” morally by proving how calm, reasonable, and emotionally regulated they are The difference between feeling something and acting on it Why strategic restraint can be incredibly powerful when you’re dealing with courts, custody, lawyers, or someone who is actively trying to provoke you How to create a private channel where your feelings get to be completely honest and a public channel where you choose your actions strategically How to tell the difference between a restraint that is protecting you now and an old rule you’re still obeying because resistance used to feel dangerous And why I don't actually want you to be the bigger person. I want you to be your own person. Because sometimes silence is power. Sometimes silence is fear. Sometimes walking away is freedom. And sometimes you're simply choosing not to give someone access to your nervous system. The important question isn't whether your response looks mature enough from the outside. It's whether you chose it. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#42
October 15 · 50 min
42 | When Your Crisis Creates An Invisible Contract
Sometimes the people who help us through our hardest seasons become incredibly important to us. They show up when we're falling apart, listen to the same story for the hundredth time, help us make decisions, and remind us that we're not crazy. But what happens when we start getting better? In this episode, I’m talking about the invisible contracts that can form in relationships during a crisis. Nobody consciously creates them, but sometimes a relationship becomes organized around one person needing help and the other person being the helper. And when that dynamic starts to change, things can feel surprisingly complicated. I’m exploring: What happens when someone who supported you through your worst period struggles with the stronger, more independent version of you Why being needed can become part of someone’s identity, purpose, or sense of connection How another person’s crisis can sometimes give us distraction, emotional intensity, or a place to direct energy we aren't using elsewhere Why this doesn't automatically mean the person was secretly hoping you would stay broken How you can start noticing when you're performing “need” to recreate an old sense of closeness Why some of the hardest boundaries are with people we genuinely love and feel grateful toward The difference between gratitude and feeling like you owe someone permanent access to your life What it means to let someone have feelings about the person you're becoming without shrinking yourself to make them more comfortable And why good help should ultimately be able to tolerate becoming less necessary Most importantly, I’m turning the question back toward you. Rather than trying to diagnose what might be happening inside someone else, I want you to notice who you become around them when you sense they're uncomfortable with the newer version of you. Because someone can have been incredibly important to your survival and still struggle with your freedom. Both things can be true. You can remember who carried you. You can be grateful. And you can still fucking fly. If this episode brings up something you recognize in one of your relationships, I hope you'll listen with curiosity rather than judgment. Sometimes the first step isn't confronting anyone or deciding what the relationship means. It's simply noticing that you're no longer willing to keep signing the old contract. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#41
October 8 · 30 min
41 | Learning to Love What's Missing
Have you ever finally gotten some peace and somehow felt... weird about it? After living through criticism, control, emotional volatility, or constantly having to monitor someone else's mood, the absence of all that chaos can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. You might expect to feel instantly relieved, but instead you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering what you've forgotten, or even unconsciously looking for the next problem to solve. In this episode, I'm talking about something I think we don't spend nearly enough time noticing: the things that are no longer happening. Because when you've spent years learning to recognize danger, you also need to learn how to recognize its absence. In this episode, I explore: Why peace can initially feel uncomfortable after chaos and emotional control Why the absence of something unhealthy doesn't always immediately feel like the presence of something healthy How your nervous system learns to expect criticism, monitoring, conflict, and emotional punishment Why we tend to notice moments of activation but overlook the moments when the knot never arrives What I mean by "recoding the absence" and how you can start doing it in everyday life How to notice what you actually gain when criticism, monitoring, or emotional punishment is no longer there Why safety isn't just about avoiding danger, but also about experiencing pleasure, ease, autonomy, and choice Why you don't need to immediately fill your newfound space with another project, relationship, routine, or thing to fix How urgency can become a substitute for purpose, and what happens when you begin letting desire pull you instead How to start recognizing the quiet, ordinary moments of freedom that your nervous system may not yet know how to appreciate And there's a little practice for you at the end, because I don't want this to be another episode where you understand something intellectually and then carry on with your day without actually experiencing it. If you've spent a long time surviving someone else's reactions, I want you to start noticing what happens when those reactions simply... don't happen. And maybe, before you immediately ask yourself, "What's next?", you can just have the space for a while. You can find all the details and resources I mentioned in the show notes. And as always, if there's something you'd like me to answer in a future episode, send it my way. I'm so glad you're here. Take care of yourselves, and I'll see you next time. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#40
September 24 · 33 min
40 | The Day You Realize You Aren't Waiting Anymore
There’s a stage of recovery I don’t think we talk about enough. It’s not the leaving. It’s not the boundaries. It’s not understanding what happened or learning to trust yourself again. It’s the moment when you suddenly realize you’re not waiting anymore. You’re not waiting for him to understand what he did. You’re not waiting for his family to finally see it. You’re not waiting for your children to understand. You’re not waiting for an apology, for karma, or for some future moment when everyone finally agrees that you were telling the truth. You’re just living your life. And sometimes you don’t even notice it happening. In this episode, I explore: Why you can be completely finished with someone and still find yourself waiting for their acknowledgement The deep need to have your reality validated after years of gaslighting, blame-shifting and having your experience rewritten Why closure can’t depend on another person finally admitting what they did How freedom gradually shifts from being defined by what you escaped to simply becoming your ordinary life What happens when your attention finally starts coming back to your own work, children, friendships, interests, plans and future How the work changes when you move from surviving to creating Why you don’t have to be completely “healed” before you start participating in your own life And what it can look like when the life you thought was waiting for you on the other side of all this turns out to be the life you’re already standing in I think one of the biggest signs that you’re getting your life back is that eventually it stops feeling like a life you got back. It just feels like yours. You may never get the apology. They may never understand. His family may never see what you saw. Your children may take years to understand their own experiences. And yes, sometimes injustice is simply fucking unfair. But at some point, their understanding can become less interesting than what you’re doing next. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#39
September 17 · 41 min
39 | When You Don't Recognize Yourself Anymore
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” It’s something I hear from women all the time after leaving a relationship - especially after years of narcissistic abuse, emotional control, or simply living in a relationship where they became very good at adapting themselves around someone else. And while I understand why we want to say, “You’ll find yourself again,” I’m not actually sure the goal is to get the old you back. Because which version of you are we talking about? The woman you were before him? Before marriage? Before children? Before everything you’ve lived through? Maybe you’re not supposed to go backwards. Maybe you’re meeting a woman you’ve never had the opportunity to become before. In this episode, I explore: Why the end of the immediate crisis can sometimes leave you feeling more lost, exhausted and flat rather than wonderfully free What happens when your nervous system has spent years monitoring someone else’s moods, needs and reactions - and suddenly there’s nobody to monitor The temptation to fill that space quickly through dating, reinvention, work or becoming a completely “new” woman Why grieving the family, marriage or future you wanted does not mean you want your ex back The particular identity shifts that can happen for women who have spent years as wives, mothers or full-time caregivers The difference between discovering who you really are and trying to reconstruct some supposedly “authentic” version of your old self Why “you’ve changed” isn't automatically an accusation or evidence that something has gone wrong How identity is discovered through experience, not just through sitting at home thinking about yourself Why “I don’t know” can actually be a really important stage of rebuilding your life And how to start collecting new data about yourself without turning the whole process into another fucking self-improvement project So if you’re sitting there thinking, “Who the fuck am I now?”, I don't want you to automatically interpret that as something being wrong. You’ve lived. You’ve changed. You’ve survived things you once thought might destroy you. And now you get to find out who you are when survival isn't writing your entire job description. And honestly? I think she's going to surprise the fuck out of you. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#38
September 10 · 33 min
38 | The Addiction to Self-Improvement After Emotional Abuse
What if your self-improvement journey has quietly become another way of telling yourself you’re not enough? I’ve noticed how easy it is to turn healing and personal growth into another fucking project. I’ll date when I’m more confident. I’ll apply for the job when I’ve dealt with my imposter syndrome. I’ll set the boundary when I’m more healed. I’ll wear the bikini when I finally make peace with my body. There’s always another version of me waiting in the future - the one who is supposedly more regulated, more confident, more healed, more worthy of finally getting to live. In this episode, I’m talking about the difference between growing because I’m curious about myself and growing because I believe I need to fix myself. In this episode, I explore: How self-improvement can become another way of measuring whether I’m “doing healing right” The difference between genuine self-awareness and constantly monitoring myself for what needs fixing How learning about trauma, attachment, boundaries and nervous system regulation can sometimes become another fucking report card Why being “healed” doesn’t mean I’ll never get triggered, people-please, make mistakes or have a really shit day How the constant search for the next thing to work on can keep me believing there’s something fundamentally wrong with me Why understanding my patterns doesn’t mean I’ll never repeat them The difference between asking “What do I need to fix next?” and “What am I curious about now?” Why I can know I’m enough and still want to grow, change and learn What it looks like to approach personal growth from fascination rather than self-rejection And this is the bit I really want you to take away from this episode. You don’t need to stop learning. You don’t need to stop changing. You don’t need to declare yourself officially healed and never have another messy fucking Tuesday. I just want us to stop treating our growth as the admission fee to our own lives. Because maybe you’re not a problem to solve. Maybe you’re a woman who is allowed to be curious about herself simply because she’s alive. You can know you’re enough and still be unfinished. You can be proud of who you are and still become someone new. And you don’t have to reject yourself in order to change. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#37
September 3 · 34 min
37 | Stop Earning Love: Redefine Your Worth
What if you've spent years trying to become the version of yourself you think is easiest to love? I think a lot of women would say they don't believe love has to be earned. But then we look at what it actually looks like in their relationships, and sometimes there's a very different story underneath. In this episode, I’m digging into what happens when you stop auditioning for love and start asking a much more interesting question: What am I choosing? We talk about: How “earning love” can hide inside being endlessly helpful, understanding, loyal and forgiving Why understanding someone's trauma doesn't mean you have to tolerate their behavior The difference between unconditional love and relationships that absolutely need conditions Why you don't have to stop loving someone before deciding they're unsafe or no longer right for you How women can end up with a dangerously low bar for what they're entitled to expect from a partner Why potential is not evidence of who someone actually is What changes when being single becomes a genuinely acceptable outcome rather than something you need to escape How building a life you love changes the way you evaluate romantic relationships Why partnership should add to your life, not require the erosion of you The shift from asking “How do I become someone worth choosing?” to “What am I choosing?” You don't have to prove how deeply you love somebody by demonstrating how much you're willing to tolerate. And you absolutely don't need a romantic partner to validate the life you've built. Love can be wonderful. Partnership can be wonderful. But neither should require your disappearance. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#36
August 27 · 26 min
36 | Why Rest Feels Wrong, Even When You're Exhausted...
Have you ever finally sat down… only to get back up again 30 seconds later? Why does rest feel wrong when you're completely fucking exhausted? And even when you do sit down, your body might be on the sofa while your nervous system is still clocked in. I see this all the time with the women I work with - and I've experienced it myself. We often think we're bad at resting. That we need to learn better self-care. That we just need to manage our time better or become better at switching off. But I think there's something much deeper going on. What if you were never actually taught that rest was something you were allowed to have? What if you learned that you had to earn it? And when your worth has become tangled up with being useful, responsible, available, needed or endlessly capable, stopping can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. In this episode, I talk about: Why so many women feel guilty when they sit down The difference between being physically still and actually being at rest How invisible labour and cognitive load keep your nervous system permanently “on” Why “just practice better self-care” completely misses the bigger picture How women are taught to earn their worth through usefulness, performance and caretaking Why stopping can feel unsafe when your nervous system has learned that usefulness keeps you safe Why you don't need to become more productive, disciplined or efficient How learning to rest can actually be an act of self-trust A simple 10-minute experiment to notice what your mind says the moment you stop Because I don't think the goal is to become a woman who never does anything for anyone else. I think it's being able to love deeply without disappearing. To give generously without becoming completely empty. And to rest without putting yourself on trial. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#35
August 20 · 34 min
35 | Why Do You Replay Conversations in Your Head?
Why do you replay conversations in your head long after they’re over? You know the drill. Three days later, you’re in the shower, driving, folding laundry or making dinner - and suddenly you’re replaying that conversation again. What they said. What you said. What you should have said. What you’ll say if it ever happens again. And somehow, your brain has turned one awkward conversation into a full Netflix series. But what if this isn’t simply “overthinking”? In this episode of The Messy Middle, we explore the fascinating connection between replaying conversations, self-policing, emotional abuse and the inner critic that can quietly take over your life. Because after years of criticism, shame, emotional unpredictability or abuse, you may have learned to criticize yourself before someone else can. Your nervous system may have decided that if you can catch your mistakes first, anticipate every possible reaction and constantly monitor yourself, you’ll stay safe. The problem? Eventually, you may stop realizing that the voice doing all that criticizing isn't actually you. We talk about: Why your brain may be replaying the feeling of a conversation rather than the conversation itself How emotional abuse can leave you policing yourself long after the abuser is gone Why the inner critic may be made up of voices you've collected throughout your life How perfectionism can turn every interaction into an internal performance review The connection between your inner dialogue, your nervous system and your physical state Why you don't need to argue with your inner critic - you just need to stop giving it voting rights And the simple exercise Erica uses to help women identify whose voice they're actually hearing You'll also get a practical exercise to try the next time you catch yourself replaying a conversation: Don't try to stop the thought. Catch it. Write down the first sentence exactly as it appears - and ask yourself: “Who does that sound like?” Because awareness is where the shift begins. You are not crazy. You are not broken. And that relentless voice in your head may not be your wisdom at all. It might just be an old survival strategy that forgot to retire. The question isn't always “Is this thought true?” Sometimes, the better question is: “Is this thought useful?” 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#34
August 13 · 28 min
34 | Why Small Decisions Feel So Overwhelming After Narcissistic Abuse
Have you ever spent more time choosing a coffee, a shampoo, or a paint color than you did making one of the biggest decisions of your life? If you've left a controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic relationship, you're not imagining it. Those tiny everyday decisions can feel surprisingly overwhelming - and it isn't because you're bad at making choices. In this episode, we explore why survivors often lose trust in their own judgment, how years of criticism and gaslighting condition your nervous system to see even small decisions as dangerous, and why the hardest part of recovery isn't always leaving - it's learning to choose for yourself again. You'll discover why self-trust isn't about always making the "right" decision. It's about believing you'll be okay, even if you don't. In this episode, you'll learn: Why everyday decisions can feel harder than life-changing ones. How narcissistic abuse disconnects you from your own preferences and intuition. The difference between surviving and truly choosing. Why gathering more information rarely creates more confidence. A simple exercise to begin rebuilding self-trust one small decision at a time. If you've ever caught yourself asking, "Can I run something by you?" or "What would you do?" before making even the smallest choice, this conversation will help you understand why - and show you the first steps toward trusting yourself again. Because healing isn't about becoming someone who never gets it wrong. It's about becoming someone who knows she'll never abandon herself again. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#33
August 6 · 33 min
33 | The Urge to Explain Yourself (Even When You Don't Need To)
Have you ever noticed how saying a simple "No, I can't make it" somehow turns into a five-minute explanation? You start listing your schedule, apologizing, justifying your decision, and trying to make sure the other person understands... even though they never asked for all the details. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. In this episode of The Messy Middle, we're unpacking one of the most common survival patterns after emotional and narcissistic abuse: over-explaining. Because over-explaining isn't really about sharing information. It's often about trying to manage someone else's disappointment, avoid conflict, earn permission, or prove that your boundary is "reasonable." Together, we'll explore: Why so many survivors feel compelled to justify every decision How childhood conditioning and abusive relationships teach us that "no" isn't enough The hidden difference between being kind and negotiating your own boundaries Why some people keep asking "why"—not because they don't understand, but because they don't like your answer How over-explaining becomes an attempt to prevent rejection Why someone else's disappointment is not your responsibility to fix The surprising power of silence after you've said what you need to say A simple practice to help you notice when you're explaining out of fear instead of choice If you've ever caught yourself thinking: "I hope they don't think I'm selfish." "Maybe I should explain a little more..." "I don't want them to be upset with me." ...this episode is for you. Your boundary is not a courtroom. You don't need to present evidence before you're allowed to say no. Your needs don't become valid because someone else agrees with them. Sometimes the most healing thing you can do is trust that your first answer was enough. Listen now and discover why you don't have to earn the right to take up space - you already have it. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript
#32
July 30 · 23 min
32 | When Healing Becomes Another Place To Hide
Can healing ever become a way of avoiding life? It sounds like a strange question... but if you've been reading all the books, listening to every podcast, taking every course, journaling endlessly, and still feel like your life isn't actually changing, this episode is for you. In this honest and thought-provoking conversation, we explore a pattern I see time and time again with survivors of narcissistic abuse: the moment when learning and self-awareness quietly become a substitute for taking action. Because understanding yourself is powerful. But eventually, understanding has to become living. In this episode, you'll discover: How "healing" can unintentionally become another place to hid Why your nervous system often prefers preparation over action The difference between understanding your patterns and changing your life Why readiness usually comes after courage, not before it A simple exercise to help you identify the one action you've been postponing while you keep preparing If you've been waiting for one more book, one more breakthrough, one more course, or one more sign before you finally start living your life... ...this episode is your sign. Because your next chapter probably isn't hiding inside another workbook. It's waiting in the boundary you've been avoiding. The conversation you've been putting off. The decision you've known you needed to make. Healing was never meant to become your identity. It was meant to help you reclaim your life. Listen now, and ask yourself one powerful question: 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#31
July 23 · 29 min
31 | The Guilt of Being Happy Again After Narcissistic Abuse
Have you ever caught yourself laughing, enjoying a peaceful day, or realizing you hadn't thought about your ex for hours... only to be hit by an unexpected wave of guilt? If you've experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse, happiness can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Not because you don't want it but because your nervous system learned that peace never lasted. In this episode of The Messy Middle, I explore why so many survivors feel guilty when life starts getting better, why joy can feel unsafe after trauma, and how healing isn't about forgetting what happened. It's about finally giving yourself permission to live again. Inside this episode, you'll discover: Why happiness can trigger guilt after narcissistic abuse How trauma teaches your nervous system to expect the worst Why you don't have to keep suffering to prove your pain was real The hidden fear of "moving on too soon" Why your ex appearing happy doesn't mean they're healthier How to stop interrupting your own joy A simple somatic practice to help you feel safe experiencing happiness again If you've ever thought: "Am I allowed to be happy?" "What if moving forward means I'm forgetting what happened?" "Why do I feel guilty when life is finally getting better?" This episode is for you. Listen now, and give yourself permission to stop surviving... and start living. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#30
July 16 · 31 min
30 | Why You Can't Just "Let It Go" - Let's Talk About Anger
You escaped the relationship. You survived the chaos. So why are you suddenly so angry? If you've found yourself feeling unexpectedly furious months or even years after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship, you're not going backwards. You're healing. In this episode of The Messy Middle, we explore why anger often arrives long after the relationship ends, why so many women fear it, and why healthy anger is one of the clearest signs that your nervous system finally feels safe enough to tell you the truth. You'll learn: Why survivors often suppress anger during abusive relationships The connection between trauma, the nervous system, and delayed anger Why women are conditioned to fear their own anger The difference between healthy anger, resentment, and abusive rage How anger helps rebuild boundaries, self-respect, and confidence Why becoming "less tolerant" isn't becoming bitter. It's becoming honest. A simple somatic practice to safely process anger when it shows up If you've ever wondered: "Why didn't I leave sooner?" "Why am I only getting angry now?" "What if I'm becoming bitter?" This conversation is for you. Your anger isn't a sign that you're failing at healing. It may be the part of you that finally loves you enough to stop accepting what hurt you. If this episode resonates, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs to hear that their anger isn't the enemy. It might just be the beginning of coming home to themselves. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#29
July 9 · 18 min
29 | Why Healing After Abuse Takes Longer Than You Think
How long should healing take after narcissistic abuse? What if you're still thinking about it years later? If you've ever caught yourself thinking, "I should be over this by now," this episode is for you. One of the biggest traps survivors fall into isn't staying stuck. It's believing they shouldn't still be affected by what happened. Society expects you to move on, stop talking about it, and become the "better" version of yourself on someone else's timeline. But recovering from emotional abuse isn't the same as getting over a normal breakup. In this episode, I explore why that quiet pressure to "just move on" creates shame, why healing after betrayal and coercive control is far more complex than people realize, and why you're not failing simply because you're still making sense of what happened. You'll learn: Why the thought "I should be over this by now" is so common after narcissistic abuse How society pressures survivors to recover in ways that make everyone else more comfortable Why emotional abuse isn't just heartbreak. It's the collapse of trust, identity, safety, and reality itself Why your ex appearing "fine" says nothing about your healing The powerful question to ask instead of "Why am I not over this yet?" If you've been judging yourself for still feeling angry, grieving, confused, or deeply affected months or even years later, this conversation will remind you of one important truth: You're not healing on the wrong timeline. You're healing from something that changed your entire reality. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#28
June 18 · 21 min
28 | Why You Feel Behind in Life After Narcissistic Abuse
Do you ever look around and feel like everyone else got the life you were supposed to have? The stable relationship. The career. The home. The confidence. The clear direction. Meanwhile, you're trying to rebuild after emotional abuse, betrayal, divorce, coercive control, or years spent surviving instead of thriving. In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica explores the painful belief that you're somehow "behind" in life, and why that feeling is so common for survivors of narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships. When you've spent years managing someone else's moods, walking on eggshells, second-guessing yourself, carrying the mental load, or simply trying to survive, it's easy to look back and feel like you've lost time. But what if you're comparing yourself to a timeline that was never yours to begin with? Together we unpack: Why survivors often feel left behind while everyone else seems to be moving forward The hidden cost of spending years in survival mode How social media and comparison can distort reality Why you're not comparing apples to apples when you compare your journey to someone else's The grief of the life you thought you'd have by now Why healing isn't about catching up, it's about creating a life that actually fits you This episode is a powerful reminder that you're not failing, broken, or late. You've simply lived through experiences that shaped your path differently. And from here, you get to build a life based on what matters to you, not what looks good from the outside. If you've been carrying that quiet ache that says "I should be further along by now," this conversation is for you. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#27
June 11 · 15 min
27 | Why Healing Doesn't Feel the Way You Expected
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I seem okay on the outside... but inside I'm still struggling"? After narcissistic abuse, emotional control, betrayal, or a high-conflict separation, many women find themselves functioning long before they feel healed. You're going to work, looking after the kids, handling responsibilities, showing up for everyone else, and from the outside it might seem like you've moved on. But underneath? You're still carrying grief, triggers, confusion, anger, and moments that knock the wind out of you. In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica explores the uncomfortable feeling that you're somehow "faking" your healing because the version the world sees doesn't always match what's happening inside. She unpacks why functioning is often mistaken for recovery, how societal pressure can make you feel like you should be "over it by now," and why healing is never as neat or linear as people expect. You'll learn: Why healing and functioning are not the same thing How shame and unrealistic timelines keep women judging their own recovery Why feeling triggered doesn't mean you've gone backwards The difference between processing and being stuck How real healing often shows up in quiet, subtle ways Why you can be moving forward and still be affected at the same time If you've been wondering whether you're doing recovery "wrong" because you're still having hard days, this episode is your reminder that healing isn't a performance, a personality, or a finish line. It's messy, layered, unpredictable, and completely human. You are not faking it. You're simply in the middle of it. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
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#26
June 4 · 11 min
26 | The 'Was it really that bad?" Thought Spiral..
One of the most confusing parts of recovery after narcissistic abuse or coercive control is the moment you catch yourself wondering: "Was it really that bad?" In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica dives into the painful spiral so many survivors experience after leaving an abusive relationship. The memories start to soften. The good moments rise to the surface. The loneliness feels louder than the harm. And before you know it, you're questioning your own reality all over again. If you've ever found yourself missing someone who hurt you, replaying the good times, or wondering whether you exaggerated what happened, this episode is for you. Erica explores why this happens, how gaslighting continues long after the relationship ends, and why your brain naturally tries to edit painful memories to reduce discomfort. She also explains why so many survivors question themselves, return to unhealthy relationships, or worry that they're somehow the problem. Inside this episode, you'll learn: Why your brain tends to remember the good moments first How loneliness can distort your perception of the past The lasting impact of gaslighting and self-doubt Why questioning yourself doesn't mean you're wrong How to stay anchored in reality without re-traumatizing yourself The difference between remembering isolated moments and looking at the overall pattern Why it's possible for good memories and harmful dynamics to exist at the same time This is a compassionate conversation about self-trust, healing, and staying connected to the truth of your experience when your mind starts rewriting the story. If you're caught in the "maybe it wasn't that bad" spiral, take a breath and press play. You are not alone, and there are very real reasons this happens. As always, send in your questions and Erica may answer them in a future episode. 📩 Send in YOUR questions and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start! 📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.
- Transcript

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