The DadDHD Podcast

What is the Mental Load, and How Do We Share It?

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young discuss the “mental load” as the invisible cognitive labor of anticipating needs, deciding, and monitoring follow-through, not just doing chores. Braden describes how his wife Mei long served as the family calendar and decision-tracker until perimenopause-related hormonal changes brought ADHD-like executive function challenges, forcing them to renegotiate roles they had never explicitly designed. Referencing Allison Daminger’s four stages of cognitive labor and Dr. Tamara Rosier’s over-/under-functioning dynamic, they explore how cultural scripts around gender and “helping” can create shame and parent-child patterns. They emphasize replacing memory with shared systems—family calendars, alerts, shared lists, and clear ownership of deliverables—splitting responsibilities by strengths and capacity, regularly reviewing the load, and seeking neurodivergence-informed couples therapy if discussions become repetitive conflict, while modeling teamwork for their kids.

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Validation Before Accountability and The Importance of Why

Shane and Braden discuss why “validation first, accountability second” helps neurodivergent kids and adults regulate and stay receptive. Shane shares a moment with his seven-year-old son, who escalated when corrected until Shane paused to hear that it was an accident; once heard, his son calmed down and could still engage with consequences. Braden recounts advocacy at his son’s school during IEP setup after repeated “red days,” where staff assumed intent behind accidental hitting tied to poor proprioception and misunderstood affectionate behavior as choking. They connect these patterns to the double empathy problem (Damian Milton) and ADHD justice sensitivity research (Bondu & Esser, 2015), emphasizing that hearing the “why” isn’t excusing behavior. They teach mirroring versus reframing, encourage calm, explicit conversations with partners about being heard versus fixing, and note therapy may help build this skill over time. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com.

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Episode 20 - What does ADHD Look Like in Fatherhood

Shane and Braden discuss becoming fathers before understanding their ADHD, describing the “gap” of parenting with shame, inconsistency, hyperfocus, and emotional dysregulation. They reflect on relief followed by grief after diagnosis, the harm caused by missed follow-through and angry reactions, and how kids experience outcomes rather than intent. They emphasize that diagnosis provides language and information but not a cure, and that progress requires using it through medication, therapy, community, and supportive partners; unsupportive relationships can deepen shame and damage. They explore generational patterns, coping mechanisms like alcohol or conflict avoidance, and the importance of apologizing, repairing, and modeling persistence rather than perfection. Be sure to check out the episode on the importance of therapy for neurodivergent fathers here: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-9bmi4-1a88d64 And if you are looking for support from men who understand your struggles, check out the Men's ADHD Support Group: https://mensadhdsupportgroup.org You can find Shane at https://creatingorderfromchaos.com and you can find Braden at https://empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:00 Welcome to DadDHD 00:30 Late Diagnosis Dad Guilt 02:31 Hyperfocus as a Gift 04:51 When Follow Through Fails 06:04 Emotional Dysregulation RSD 06:55 Shame and Masculinity Traps 08:26 Getting Diagnosed Getting Tools 09:50 Partners Healing or Wounding 15:01 Breaking the Generational Cycle 18:50 Repair Over Perfection 21:10 Support Group and Legacy 22:14 Final Takeaways and Outro

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Rest Isn't Lazy - Why Neurodivergent Dads Need to Stop Thinking They Need To Earn It

Hey -- before we get into it, we owe you a quick apology. Life got away from us. Things have picked up on both ends, and we dropped the ball on getting new content out. We're back, and we're glad you're still here. This week we're talking about something that sounds simple and isn't: rest. Not sleep. Not stopping. Actual rest -- and why neurodivergent brains are wired to fight it, guilt-trip themselves over it, and then crash hard when they finally can't avoid it anymore. Shane and Braden dig into why ADHD and AuDHD dads tend to treat rest like a reward they haven't earned yet, why that logic is broken, and what it actually looks like to build rest into your life as a system instead of a last resort. This isn't about slowing down. It's about understanding why your brain runs hot, why it needs different kinds of downtime than a neurotypical brain does, and why rest -- real rest -- is one of the most productive things you can do for yourself, your kids, and everyone who depends on you. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Beyond Maslow: Purpose, Community, and Cultural Perpetuity for Neurodivergent Dads

Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions explore why Maslow’s hierarchy of needs can feel like it has a ceiling for neurodivergent parents who have reached stability and self-actualization but still ask “now what?” They discuss how neurodivergence can complicate safety, belonging, and esteem through masking, isolation, and shame, and why self-actualization shouldn’t be the finish line. Drawing on Dr. Cindy Blackstock’s interpretation of the contrast between what Maslow observed while studying the Siksika Nation and what he published, they describe a reframing where self-worth is a foundation for community actualization and cultural perpetuity. They argue that community breaks generational trauma cycles, and that small, consistent actions—engaging in kids’ therapy, modeling apologies, asking for help, and giving kids language—compound over time. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com.

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ADHD Lows: The Gray State, Dopamine Hunting, and How to Tell It From Depression

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young discuss “ADHD lows,” the flat, gray, low-arousal state where nothing feels worth the effort, and how it often leads to “dopamine hunting” like binge-watching, hyperfixating, scrolling, or other novelty-seeking. They connect the experience to anhedonia and “indifferent boredom,” framing it as dopamine dysregulation in ADHD rather than necessarily burnout or depression, and warn that mislabeling it can lead to wrong interventions. They share ways to spot the difference from depression (whether anything can still spark interest and whether the feeling comes and goes), and offer practical responses: name the cycle, lower demands, communicate with your partner, watch for upstream contributors like sleep debt and masking, and seek professional help if it persists or worsens. They emphasize the key distinction between regulating dopamine hunting versus numbing, and remind listeners they aren’t lazy or broken. You can find Shane Thrapp at https://creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at https://empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults: Unmasking, “Dropping a Ping,” and Building Friendship-Friendly Routines With Caroline Maguire

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young welcome social coach, award-winning author, and keynote speaker Caroline Maguire, who has worked with neurodivergent people for 21 years and has just released her new book “Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults”. Caroline explains she wrote the book after years of adult clients and parents asking for friendship support, especially amid increased diagnoses since the pandemic, and she highlights common themes from interviews and surveys: masking and people-pleasing, shame, rejection sensitivity, and the need to “find our people” through interests rather than taking any friendship available. We talk about why parent friendships can feel complicated, how to move from acquaintance to friendship using shared interests and why “dropping a ping,” can help small talk provide useful information, and how parents can model healthy communication, boundaries, and friendship infrastructure by including their kids in their journey. Caroline can be found at @authorcarolinem on Instagram And check out her new book “Friendship Skills For Neurodivergent Adults” wherever books are sold.

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The Cost of Silence: Neurodivergent Men, Masking, and Finding Support

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young discuss the “cost of silence” underlying masking, describing how men are conditioned from childhood to hide struggle, avoid asking for help, and “push through” quietly, which becomes especially damaging when layered with ADHD/autism challenges like executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, emotional dysregulation, and rejection sensitivity. Braden shares a story about his son identifying overwhelm at a crowded flea market, highlighting how many men lacked language for their experiences and may go undiagnosed into their late 30s or 40s, often internalizing shame and believing they are lazy or broken. They describe long-term consequences including anxiety, depression, substance abuse, relationship strain, isolation, burnout, and anger. They emphasize peer community support, spotlight the Men’s ADHD Support Group (about 26,000 members, plus Discord and meetings), and encourage listeners to seek men’s support resources and share the episode. You can find out more information about the Men's ADHD Support Group at https://mensadhdsupportgroup.org for join them on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/mensadhdsupportgroup You can find Shane Thrapp at https://www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at https://empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:00 Welcome and Setup 00:35 Cost of Silence 01:29 Where Silence Starts 02:01 Neurodivergence and Masking 02:45 Finding the Words 04:37 Hidden Long Term Costs 05:43 Shame Anger Burnout 07:06 Men's ADHD Support Group 08:29 How to Join Safely 09:56 Braden's Community Story 11:32 Feeling Seen Together 12:38 Takeaway and Next Steps

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Beyond Mother’s Day: Building Daily Respect and Connection in ADHD Relationships

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young use Mother’s Day as a starting point to talk about how ADHD and AuDHD can make dates, gestures, and follow-through difficult, and why appreciation needs to be a daily practice rather than a once-a-year performance. Shane shares involving his kids, Liam and Harley, in choosing gifts to teach them to notice and value their mom, while both hosts emphasize that small, consistent acts of attention matter more than grand gestures. They explain how dopamine-driven novelty, time blindness, object permanence issues, executive function challenges, and rejection sensitive dysphoria can lead to complacency, missed needs, and defensiveness despite good intentions. They recommend systems like scheduled partner check-ins, reminders, trying new things together, learning love languages, externalizing appreciation, and staying present because kids are watching and learning what love looks like in practice. 00:00 Welcome to DadDHD 00:25 Mother's Day Jump Off 01:33 Teaching Thoughtfulness 02:28 Respect as Practice 03:52 ADHD Brain Science 05:29 Autopilot and Neglect 06:39 Follow Through Problems 07:33 RSD and Defensiveness 08:38 Systems That Work 09:00 Check Ins on Calendar 10:11 Redirect Novelty Together 11:03 Reminders and Externalize 12:41 Small Daily Connection 13:38 Kids Are Watching 14:19 Start Being Intentional 15:20 Wrap Up and Subscribe You can find Shane Thrapp at https://www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at https://empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Their Story, Not Yours — RSD and the Trap of Making Your Child's Struggles About You

Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions flies solo and unpacks rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and what it looks like when your child is the one experiencing it—especially in a neurodivergent household where a parent’s own ADHD and past rejection can get activated. He explains how perceived rejection can feel like overwhelming emotional pain, and how parents can accidentally shift into fix-it mode, over-advocacy, story-sharing, anger, or minimizing as a way to manage their own discomfort. Braden reframes the goal as empathy without enmeshment: your child’s rejection belongs to them, not as a replay of your childhood. He offers practical steps—do your own work, pause and regulate, ask what they need, let them own their story, and model moving through rejection—so your child gets emotional space and support without carrying your unprocessed pain. You can find Braden Young at https://empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Breaking the Spanking Cycle Using Authoritative Parenting Skills

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as we get into one of the most charged conversations in parenting: spanking, discipline, and the cycle most of us were handed before we ever had a choice. We're digging into what the research actually says, why "I turned out fine" deserves a harder look, and what gentle parenting actually means — because the misunderstanding around that term is costing a lot of families. Learn about why decades of research across more than 160,000 children landed in the same place and what that means for how we discipline our kids, why physical punishment hits differently when your child's nervous system is already working overtime due to ADHD, autism, or both, what gentle parenting actually is versus the permissive no-consequences approach it constantly gets mistaken for, how authoritative parenting gives you firm consistent limits and the connection your kids need to actually learn from them, and why breaking the cycle starts with understanding that it was handed to you — and that what you do with it from here is yours to decide. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Connecting With Our Kids Through the Things We and They Love

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as they talk about the quiet distance that builds between neurodivergent dads and their kids when we keep our lives and theirs in separate lanes. Our hobbies over here, their stuff over there. Our downtime on one side of the house, them on the other. This episode is about closing that gap by including our kids in what we already love, letting our ADHD brains do what they do best, and showing up for the small moments that actually build the relationship. Learn about why sometimes embracing the chaos of our ADHD brains is exactly how we connect with our kids in ways nobody else can, how our tendency to bounce from interest to interest is actually a gift when it comes to helping our kids explore the world and find what they love, why rough-housing, bedtime, and homework are where the real connection gets built, how to find shared interests without forcing them, the language you need for birthday parties and social events so you stop standing around like a statue, and why being present with your kids is also one of the biggest gifts you can give your partner. Don't miss the part where we get into what it actually looks like to let your ADHD inner kid out and play, and why the neurodivergent dads who lean into the chaos end up building connections their neurotypical counterparts can't touch. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com. You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com.

You Need More Than Systems: Why Therapy Matters for Neurodivergent Dads

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as we tackle the conversation most neurodivergent dads avoid: therapy. Not coaching. Not podcasts. Not self-help books. Actual therapy. We dig into why so many dads resist getting professional help, what types of therapy actually work for ADHD, autistic, and AuDHD brains, and why relationship therapy isn't optional when you're in a neurodiverse marriage. Learn about why therapy and coaching serve different functions and you probably need both, what CBT, EMDR, and DBT actually do for neurodivergent brains, how to find a therapist who actually understands ADHD and autism in adults instead of wasting your time and money, why the parent-child dynamic quietly takes over relationships when neurodivergence goes untreated, and how to start the conversation about couples therapy without your partner hearing "we're failing." You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

Burnout, Depression or Both? Why Dads Need to Get Checked for Both

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as we tackle neurodivergent burnout and what it really means for fathers. Not the "I need a day off" kind. The kind where your brain and body hit a wall because you've been running at 200% just to meet baseline expectations. We break down the difference between burnout and depression, why they need completely different treatment, and what happens when your doctor can't tell them apart. Learn about why neurodivergent dads are especially vulnerable to burnout, how to start having real conversations with your partner about capacity, why asking for help is a strategy and not a surrender, and what actual recovery looks like beyond just pushing through until the next crash. Don't miss our personal burnout stories, why the wrong diagnosis can take you to a dangerous place, and why grieving the version of yourself that could power through everything is actually part of healing. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Managing Work Life Balance with Neurodivergence

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as they talk about managing work life with ADHD, autism, AuDHD, and fatherhood. From the provider pressure their dads drilled into them to the careers they actually landed in, Shane and Braden get real about what happens when the work you do fights your brain and why that cost follows you home to your kids. Learn about why "just clock out" doesn't work for neurodivergent brains, what the wrong job actually costs someone with ADHD, Autism, or AuDHD and why building a real transition between work mode and dad mode changes how you show up for your family. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

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Braden's Legacy Origin Story

Join Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as he flies solo for this one and shares his legacy origin story. He talks about the biological father who said "I can't" and walked away, the complicated and often abusive relationship with his stepdad, and the mom who stepped in and showed him what choosing someone actually looks like. Braden opens up about stepping into his stepdaughter's life undiagnosed, the anger he carried, and the moments he wishes he could take back. Learn about how undiagnosed ADHD shows up as anger in fatherhood, why breaking cycles isn't clean and sometimes you interrupt them imperfectly, and why the voices your kids hear in their heads long after you leave the room start with the words you choose now. Don't miss Braden's story about discovering at the passport office that he'd never been legally adopted, the choice he made to change his name for his son, and the comic books in the closet that could have changed everything. You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com

Masking and Being a Neurodivergent Father

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as we dig into masking—the pressure to perform a version of yourself that isn't really you to hide your ADHD or Autism. We talk about where masking starts (the "be a man" messages, the bootstrap CEO myth), how it shows up in our relationships and kills intimacy, and why we accidentally teach our kids to mask when we do it ourselves. Learn about the difference between strategic masking and masking out of fear, how to unmask safely with your partner without dropping it all at once, and why naming what's happening ("Dad's brain is having a loud day") teaches your kids more about emotional regulation than "I'm fine" ever will. Don't miss our conversation on how masking hits boys and girls differently, why emotions like sadness and overwhelm aren't "soft"—they're human, and how to break the cycle so your kids don't spend decades hiding who they are. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:18 Welcome to The DadDHD Podcast + Today’s Topic: Masking as Neurodivergent Dads 02:00 Where the Mask Starts: “Be a Man,” Don’t Ask for Help, and Internalized Pressure 05:46 Provider Expectations, Burnout, and the Hidden Cost of Performing ‘Normal’ 07:04 Masking at Home: Why It Damages Intimacy and Relationships 09:01 Dating & Persona-Building: When People Fall for the Mask, Not You 10:24 Sensory Overload, Sex, and Having the Hard Conversations (Not Mid-Moment) 14:12 Unmasking Safely: Let the Real You Out Gradually with Clear Communication 16:42 How Parents Teach Kids to Mask (and Why It Hits Boys & Girls Differently) 22:31 Breaking the Cycle: Modeling Emotional Regulation and Naming What’s Happening 26:30 Strategic Masking vs. 24/7 Masking: Making It a Choice, Not a Default 30:37 Authenticity with Kindness

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Interview with Brendan Mahan of ADHD Essentials

Join Shane Thrapp and Braden Young as they interview Brendan Mahan from ADHD Essentials. Brendan, the author of the upcoming book 'Overcoming The Wall of Awful,' shares his experiences of raising 17-year-old twins, the complexities of his childhood, and how they inform his parenting. The conversation covers fatherhood, ADHD strategies, the influence of upbringing, and key insights into maintaining a balanced family life while managing neurodivergence. Don’t miss Brendan's advice on fostering trust, effective communication, and navigating the challenges of OCD. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome 01:13 Brendan's Childhood and Parental Influence 05:50 Parenting Philosophies and Challenges 13:06 Building Trust and Communication with Kids 17:45 Professional Experience and Its Impact on Parenting 21:29 Specialized vs. Generalized Treatment for OCD 22:02 Impact of Parenting Twins on Expectations 24:56 Sibling Dynamics and Social Challenges 29:55 Navigating Neurodivergence in the Family 32:59 Overcoming Parenting Challenges and Burnout 36:54 Advice for Parents of Neurodivergent Children 41:25 Conclusion and Resources

Telling Your Kids "Walk It Off" Is Bullshit - What Resilience Means for Neurodivergent Kids

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as they break down why the traditional "walk it off" mentality fails neurodivergent kids—and what actual resilience looks like. Through a real story about Braden handling his autistic son's scraped knee at school, they explain the difference between teaching resilience and teaching kids to mask their needs. This episode challenges fathers to show up emotionally, not just provide, and offers concrete strategies for co-regulation that work with neurodivergent brains instead of against them. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:25 A Personal Story: Handling a School Incident 02:53 The Impact of Traditional Toughness on Neurodivergent Kids 05:35 Understanding Sensory Overload 07:24 The Importance of Co-Regulation 10:00 Breaking the Cycle: Emotional Support from Dads 16:10 Reality Check: Imperfection is Okay 20:35 Challenge for Dads: Breaking the Trauma Cycle

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After School / Work Collapse and Co-Regulation

Join Shane Thrapp of Creating Order From Chaos Consulting and Braden Young of Empower ADHD Solutions as they discuss the phenomenon of afterschool restraint collapse. Learn about the challenges faced by both neurotypical and neurodivergent children, the impact on parents, and why co-regulation is essential. Discover practical strategies for managing stress and fostering a supportive family environment. Tune in for expert insights into building routines that accommodate the needs of every family member. You can find Shane Thrapp at www.creatingorderfromchaos.com You can find Braden Young at www.empoweradhdsolutions.com 00:00 Introduction: The Chaos After Work 01:24 Understanding Afterschool Restraint Collapse 03:40 The Reality for Parents 06:12 What Doesn't Work: Managing Afterschool Restraint Collapse 07:27 Effective Co-Regulation Strategies 10:43 Practical Strategies for Daily Life 15:36 Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle

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