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The Conscious Love Show

Shane Kohler

Most relationship advice will tell you what to do differently. This show will tell you why you keep doing what you do — and what it's actually costing you.

Every week Shane Kohler brings direct, unfiltered insight into the psychology of love, attraction, and commitment. No validation. No generic advice. Just honest conversations about the unconscious patterns driving your relationships and what it actually takes to change them.

This isn't a show about finding the right person. It's about becoming someone who can recognize them, choose them, and build something real with them.

New episodes every week. Take the Relational Blueprint Quiz at inspiredloveapproach.com/blueprint to find out which pattern has been quietly running your love life.

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23 episodes
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Avg 57 min
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#226
Today · 1 hr 6 min
How to Love An Avoidant Man Into Staying
If you're in a relationship with an avoidant man and you can't figure out why he keeps pulling away no matter what you do I want to share something with you that most people in this space won't tell you. Your anxious attachment and his avoidant attachment are the same pattern. You're both avoiding intimacy. You're both afraid of the same thing. The only difference is how you're expressing it. He runs. You chase. But underneath both of those behaviors is the exact same wound. And here's what that means practically — every time you pursue him, you're activating the very thing that makes him pull away. And every time he pulls away, he's activating the very thing that makes you chase harder. You're not opposites. You're mirrors. Here, I'm breaking down exactly how this pattern works out in real life and what it means to love an avoidant man into staying. Click here to book private sessions with Shane Take the Relational Blueprint Quiz here.
#225
September 30 · 1 hr 16 min
My First Heartbreak, Addiction, and Arrest [Life Story Part 2]
This is part two of my life story — and it's the chapter I've never shared this openly before. In this episode I take you through leaving my mother's home to move in with my father, whose addiction shaped everything about the environment I grew up in. I share my introduction to drugs at thirteen, how I started selling to support my habit, my first real relationship and the heartbreak that sent me into a spiral, and how by sixteen I was selling hundreds of pills a week and making thousands of dollars — until the night I was robbed at gunpoint and nearly beaten to death, and what followed after that. This one is heavy. But it's real. And if you've been with me since the beginning, this is where a lot of what I teach started to take shape — even though I couldn't see it yet.
#224
September 23 · 36 min
Why His Bad Mood Becomes Your Emergency
The moment you sense his energy shift, something in you mobilizes. You're already scanning, adjusting, fixing — before you've even decided to. It doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like a reflex. And no matter how many times you tell yourself you're going to stop, the pattern is always one step ahead of you. This week's episode is a Q&A where I answer three listener questions about exactly this — why the pattern runs faster than your awareness, what it actually looks like to work with your nervous system in real time, and why you keep silencing your own needs even when you know better. The answers might surprise you. Hit play. Click Here to Book a Private Session with Shane Discover Your Relational Blueprint here.
#223
September 16 · 1 hr 1 min
The Secret Psychological Rewards Sabotaging Your Love Life
There's a part of you that genuinely wants to change. That's tired of the patterns, tired of the outcomes, tired of ending up in the same place with different people. That part is real. But there's another part that's been getting something from staying exactly where you are. Something you've never fully named. Something that feels so normal and so justified that you probably don't even recognize it as the thing that's been quietly working against everything you say you want. Today's episode names it. And once you hear it you won't be able to unhear it. Hit play. And when you're done, find out which Relational Blueprint has been quietly running your love life — link below. Click here to grab your spot in the 5-Day Blueprint Experience To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, click here.
#222
September 9 · 1 hr
How to Train a Man's Devotion: The Secret Formula All Powerful Women Know
Most women spend years wondering why the men they love eventually stop showing up. Why the effort fades. Why the devotion that was there in the beginning slowly disappears. And the answer they usually land on is that he changed, that he stopped caring, that he wasn't the right person after all. But what if the devotion didn't disappear — what if it was never given anywhere real to go? There's a way of being in relationship that doesn't just attract a man's devotion — it deepens it over time. Most women were never taught it. Some stumbled into it accidentally. And the ones who know it don't always know why it works. Today's episode is about that. Hit play. And when you're done, find out which Relational Blueprint has been quietly running your love life — link below. Grab your spot in The Blueprint Experience: 5 Day Immersion beginning September 21st To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to shane@thelivingrelationship.com
#221
September 2 · 57 min
Why You Still Can't Let Go of The One Who Didn't Choose You
There's a specific grief that doesn't make sense from the outside. He didn't choose you. He pulled away. Maybe he never fully showed up. And yet you can't let go. You think about him constantly. You replay it. You wonder what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This episode is about what's actually happening underneath that grief — and it's not what you think. What you gave to that relationship, what you withheld from yourself in the process, and why the emptiness you're feeling now has very little to do with him. This one is personal. I share my own experience with it. And I promise you there's something waiting on the other side of this that you can't see yet from where you're standing. Grab your spot in The Blueprint Experience: 5 Day Immersion beginning September 21st NOTE: Blueprint Experience Dates have changed from what was mentioned in the episode To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. To book a personalized Blueprint Audit with a member of my team, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to info@thelivingrelationship.com
#220
August 26 · 49 min
Should I Tell Him How I Feel? Wanting Commitment, Wrecking It, and Running From It
Commitment shows up in more ways than we usually admit — in what we demand from someone, in what we accidentally scare away, and in what we ourselves keep avoiding. This week we work with audience questions that explore all three: do we ask for more than what's being offered? Does honesty and vulnerability destabilize a connection? And what does it really mean when someone can't seem to fully commit, even when everything looks right? At the center of it all is the question so many people are quietly sitting with: do you say how you feel, or do you stay silent and hope it's enough? Grab your spot in The Blueprint Experience: 5 Day Immersion beginning September 21st NOTE: Blueprint Experience Dates have changed from what was mentioned in the episode To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. To book a personalized Blueprint Audit with a member of my team, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to info@thelivingrelationship.com
#219
August 19 · 58 min
The 5 Ways Men Love — And the Only One That Actually Matters
To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. To book a personalized Blueprint Audit with a member of my team, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to info@thelivingrelationship.com My wife recently shared that every relationship she had before ours feels insignificant by comparison. That what she thought love was back then just wasn't really love at all. I understood exactly what she meant — because I feel the same way. In today's episode I'm breaking down the four types of love, why most of them lead nowhere, and what the only starting point capable of becoming lasting love actually looks like. If you've ever wondered why the most intense connections seem to burn out the fastest, or why the quieter path to love might actually be the more real one, this episode is for you.
#218
August 12 · 45 min
Shane's Diary Entry #9: My Life Story Part 1
To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. To book a personalized Blueprint Audit with a member of my team, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to info@thelivingrelationship.com For my most dedicated listeners — the ones who have been here since the beginning and want to know the full context behind this work — this is the complete story. From my birth to the birth of my daughter, to be released in monthly installments over the next few months. I've shared pieces of it over the years. This is the first time I'm sharing all of it — including the parts I've never shared before. Join me through the journey of my conditioning, my liberation, and ultimately my creation.
#217
August 5 · 49 min
The 4 Childhood Experiences That Explain Why Men Don't Choose You
To Book Sessions Directly with Shane, Click Here. To take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, Click Here. To book a personalized Blueprint Audit with a member of my team, Click Here. Send all questions for the monthly Q and A session to info@thelivingrelationship.com There's a pattern running your relationships right now and you didn't choose it. You learned it before you were old enough to evaluate whether what you were learning was true. And here's what makes it so hard to change — it's not that you don't know it's there. Most women who carry these patterns have read the books, done the therapy, understand the concept. The problem is that the pattern doesn't live in your intellect. It lives in your nervous system. And knowing something is there doesn't automatically give you the ability to move. Today I'm sharing the four childhood experiences that create the four Relational Blueprints — the origin stories behind why you do what you do with men, why certain patterns keep repeating no matter how hard you try, and what it actually takes to change them. By the end of this episode you'll know which one is yours. And knowing where the stake was placed is the first step toward finally being able to pull it out.
#216
July 29 · 57 min
The Real Reason He Keeps Coming Back But Never Commits
To take the Quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint, click here. To book a private session with Shane, click here. Please send all questions for next month's Q&A episode to info@thelivingrelationship.com This week's episode is a Q&A, built around three listener questions that all circle the same painful, familiar territory: trying to read a man who won't give you a straight answer. The first question comes from a woman navigating a six-year, on-and-off connection with a man who disappears for months at a time, then resurfaces with an intense day or two before vanishing again — leaving her wondering whether he's genuinely interested or simply enjoys the attention when it's convenient. The second comes from a 47-year-old woman who recognizes she's stuck in an old, anxious pattern — one where she gives her power away and accepts far less than she actually wants, currently playing out in a relationship with a man unwilling to commit. The third comes from a woman who keeps encountering the same frustrating pattern in dating: men pursue her hard in the beginning, only to pull back a few months in, concluding they don't see a future — leaving her questioning what she might be doing wrong, even though nothing about her has changed. Shane breaks down what's really happening beneath each of these situations — the difference between chemistry and commitment, why inconsistency so often gets mistaken for depth, and how to stop trying to decode a man's behavior and start trusting what it's already telling you.
#215
July 22 · 55 sec
How Not to Be A Doormat with Erin and Sara Foster
Click here to take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint I met with Erin and Sarah Foster — the real-life sisters behind Netflix's Nobody Wants This — for a wide-ranging conversation on the most potent relationship challenges we all face and a powerful breakdown of my Relational Blueprint system. Listen to the full episode. Click below to listen on Apple or Spotify or search for The World's First Podcast on any major platform and look for the episode "How Not To Be a Doormat" Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify
#214
July 15 · 48 min
What Men Notice About a Woman Before She Even Says a Word
Take the Blueprint Quiz here to discover your Relational Blueprint and get your personalized breakdown. There's a version of dating advice that tells you exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. And there's a reason none of it works. Because what he's responding to has almost nothing to do with your words. Before you've finished your first sentence he's already picked up something about you that no script can manufacture and no strategy can fake. And that something determines everything — whether he leans in or pulls back, whether he takes you seriously or keeps things casual, whether he sees a future or just a moment. This episode is about what he's actually reading. And more importantly — what you can do about it.
#213
July 8 · 56 min
If He's Not Afraid of Commitment, Why Her and Not You
You watched him leave. And then you watched him move on — faster than you expected, happier than you thought he'd be, with someone who seems to be everything you thought you were supposed to be to him. And the question that's been living in the back of your mind ever since is a simple one. Why her and not me. This episode is designed to answer that question. Because the relationship came into your life for a reason. When you really understand what that reason is, everything else that happened will make sense too.
#212
July 1 · 48 min
If You Act Like His Wife, He'll Treat You Like His Mother
Click here to take the quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint This is for the woman who does everything right. You show up for him, you take care of him, you make sure his life runs smoothly. You make yourself as valuable and indispensable as a person can be. And somehow — it's still not working. He's not stepping up. He's not choosing you the way you need to be chosen. The relationship feels less like a partnership and more like a job. And when it's all said and done, he leaves you anyway. This episode is about the hidden motivation underneath you efforts that silently sabotages your connection and kills the sexual polarity in the relationship. By the end of this episode, you'll understand what your nervous system has been doing in your relationships without your permission — and why the thing that feels most like love to you has been quietly working against everything you actually want.
#211
June 24 · 44 min
How to Heal the Need to Have Him Choose You
There's something that no amount of success, self work, or self love content seems to touch. And most women know exactly what it is even if they've never said it out loud. It's the feeling that until a man chooses her — really chooses her — something is still missing. Something is still unresolved. And she's been carrying that feeling for a long time. This episode is about where that comes from. And more importantly — what it actually takes to heal it. Hit play. And when you're done, click here to find out which Relational Blueprint has been quietly running your love life.
#210
June 17 · 1 hr 2 min
The #1 Reason Men Leave (And the Thing That Makes Him Stay)
Click here to take the Quiz and discover your Relational Blueprint Send questions to info@thelivingrelationship.com Men don't leave because they stop loving you. He may have left loving you completely. And if you've never understood how that's possible — this episode is going to change the way you see every relationship you've ever been in. Most men can't explain why they leave. There's something happening in their nervous system that they're responding to without the language to name it. Today I'm going to name it for them — and for you — in a way that you've probably never heard before.
#209
June 10 · 59 min
Four Months In and He Still Hasn't Told You What He Wants — Do This
Click here to take the Quiz and Discover Your Relational Blueprint Send Questions for July's Q&A Episode to info@thelivingrelationship.com Every month I set aside an episode to answer your questions directly — the ones you're sitting with, the ones you're afraid to say out loud, and the ones you've been searching for a real answer to. No scripts, no theory for the sake of theory. Just honest, direct responses to what you're actually going through. If you have a question you'd like answered on a future episode, send it to info@thelivingrelationship.com. Your question could be featured next month. This month's questions: "I've been seeing this guy for about four months now and honestly everything feels really good when we're together. But we've never actually defined what we are and every time I get close to bringing it up I just... don't. I'm scared of ruining what we have. How do I know when it's actually time to say something?" "I've always been someone who shows love by taking care of people. Cooking for them, checking in, being there no matter what. But I've had multiple people tell me that's why men walk all over me. The thing is it doesn't feel like a problem to me, it feels like love. How do I change something that feels so natural without just becoming someone I'm not?" "My ex told me I was too much. Too emotional, too intense, too needy. And it really messed with me because I wasn't trying to be any of those things, I was just being honest about how I felt. Now I'm in something new and I'm constantly monitoring myself so I don't overwhelm him. How do I just be myself without scaring people away?" "How do you know when you're being patient and supportive versus just making excuses for someone? I feel like I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and I don't know if that's a strength or if I'm just afraid to admit when something isn't working."
#208
June 3 · 1 hr 13 min
The Silent Test Men Are Giving That Women Don't Even Know They're Taking
Click here to take the Quiz and Discover Your Relational Blueprint Every man, you date is testing you. You didn't know it was happening. You haven't been told the rules. And every day you don't know about it, you're answering it anyway. Most women enter the early stages of dating focused on one thing — being chosen by the man she likes. What nobody told her is that the qualities she's optimizing for and the qualities that actually earn his commitment are not the same thing. In fact, they're often working against each other. This episode is about what he's actually watching for when he goes quiet. Why a man who knows exactly what you want will sometimes say nothing and what that silence is really asking you to do. And why the conversation most women are afraid to have is the only one that was ever going to change anything. There's a principle at the end of this episode that reframes where relational responsibility actually lives — and once you hear it you won't be able to unhear it. If what I just described is already resonating, hit play. And when you're done, find out which Relational Blueprint has been quietly running your love life — link above.
#207
May 27 · 57 min
Most of Your "Standards" Have Nothing to Do With What You Actually Need — Here's 3 That Do...
Click here to take the quiz and find out what your Relational Blueprint is. You don't have unrealistic standards. You know what you want. You've defended it. You've walked away from relationships that didn't meet the bar and you'd do it again. But love still isn't working the way you thought it would, and somewhere in the back of your mind a question you won't say out loud has started forming. What if the list isn't the problem? What if it's just aimed at the wrong things? Today's episode isn't about lowering your standards or settling for less than you deserve. It's about something most people in this space won't say: the standards most people have predict almost nothing about whether a relationship will actually work. And the three that do are probably not on your list. If you're ready for that conversation, hit play.

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