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Swordboys - Cut x Cut

Swordboys

We're talking about your favorite sword movies! Your childhood comes alive as we break down these movies cut by cut.

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  • 20 episodes
  • fortnightly
  • Avg 1 hr 5 min
  • English

Episodes 20

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  • Tuesday · 1 hr 28 min

    Deathstalker 3 Part 3 - Nature's Straw

    Call Officer Big Mac, because we are about to lock Big Howard up for crimes against screenwriting in the final cut of Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell! A depressed Niceas is captured and put through the gentlest interrogation. The Warriors are slurping through nature's straws and having a hard time adjusting to modern society. Mirinda returns only to have her fate sealed in a blanket (since there's no aluminium foil). Troxartes is having the time of his life until he has a final battle with Deathstalker through every single room in his castle. But so much is at stake because you all remember the importance of the magic stones, right? And, hey guys? You've been waiting for it...Pyron is back!!!Runtime: 00:56:35 - ENDNEXT UP: DEATHSTALKER IV: MATCH OF TITANS

  • September 1 · 1 hr 5 min

    Deathstalker 3 Part 2 - Forest Potato Ladies

    Potatoes! They are what WE eat in Cut 2 of Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell! Deathstalker is popular with the ladies as always - he gets to horse-shack it up with Mirinda the potato farmer's daughter, squabble with Elizena: Whinier Princess and fail repeatedly to seduce Camisarde. Meanwhile, Troxartes is just serving fits, giving Bela Lugosi eyes, and bringing Madame energy. Slay queen.Runtime: 00:28:24 - 00:56:35

  • August 25 · 12 min

    Next Time - Highlander 3 on Patreon

    We're trying something new, here is a snippet of e of our episodes over on patreon where we allow the wheel to choose our net movie. Spoilers, it's Highlander 3! Join in today patreon.com/swordboys to sign up today for HOURS of other movies we can't cover in the main feed.

  • August 18 · 1 hr 10 min

    Deathstalker 3 Part 1 - The Sorcerer Shmata

    Grab a Corona, because we're headed to Mexico for the third installment in Rick's Revenge Season! Big Howard is back and he brought a lot of original ideas like our hero having a magical friend who holds on to his cup, an evil wizard conspiring with a hot lady, a magic gem, twin princesses with wildly different attitudes, pools of water to spy on the protagonists, and locations seen in other movies! Is this the worst Deathstalker, or will this movie redeem itself by the end? Find out in Cut One of DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL!(Disclaimer: not as exciting as the title or poster suggest)Runtime: 0:00:00 - 00:28:24

  • August 4 · 1 hr 12 min

    Deathstalker 2 Part 3 - Soup Boys

    Soup's on! Cut 3 of Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans starts with a SwordBoy staple. A lackluster swordfight follows, but at least we get to go to Jarek's sex rave after. One epileptic sex scene later, Deathstalker and Bachelor Party head into the castle, where Deathstalker has an extended meeting with Bachelor Party 2.This all leads to a huge battle between Jarek's guards and the Amazonians, and a pretty great final battle between our problematic fave and his foppish nemesis.NEXT UP: DEATHSTALKER III: THE WARRIORS FROM HELLRuntime: 00:51:03 - END

  • July 21 · 1 hr 7 min

    Deathstalker 2 Part 2 - Gorgo Lady of Wrestling

    Is that your sword or are you just happy to see me? The Swordboys return for Cut 2 of Deathstalker II, where they learn never to accept a collect call from a prison or an evil sorcerer. From there, we go to a spooky graveyard with zombies, questionable grave markers, and a garbage masher kept in a mausoleum. After escaping that, Deathstalker is captured by Amazonians who put our womanizing hero on trial...by combat! No mercy! Will Deathstalker win the All-Valley Tournament against the mighty Gorgo? Not the hair! Not the hair!Runtime: 00:25:14 - 00:51:03

  • July 7 · 1 hr 3 min

    Deathstalker 2 Part 1 - Oscar D Stalker

    After a rough start, the Deathstalker franchise gets a little sassier in Cut One of DEATHSTALKER II: DUEL OF THE TITANS. That's because Clunk Cheesechest has regenerated like the Doctor and upgraded to Banter McSword. This guy has almost as many kills as he does quips, and that might make up for the fact that most of the actors, costumes, sets, establishing shots and sometimes even parts of scenes are recycled from the original! Watch Indiana Solo and Bachelor Party (and Clompy of course) escape superninjas, pirates and a team of legendary henchmen on the road to defeat a banana-fellating doppelganger, a babe with a grudge, and an evil sorcerer (is there any other kind?)! The Swordboys are reenergized by this sequel and we haven't even gotten to the Jimmy Eat World of this five-movie run! Hey, don't write yourself off yet!Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:25:14

  • June 23 · 1 hr 13 min

    Deathstalker Part 3 - My Swordbatical

    Let's get ready to rumble! It's tournament time! This is what the movie has been building to, right? Or was it rescuing the Princess? Oh wait, collecting all the items of power?? The Swordboys are not very sure. There is a lot of fighting. We're not sure if it's all happening at the same time or if we are seeing it in badly-edited snippets. But the real fight is the one in Deathstalker's chambers. He and Tankini wrestle on his bed, as Tankini tries to reach for his sword. Then he has to fight He-Ham to win the tournament where the prize is you get to be the heir to an immortal being. After a fight with Kang (or was it Kang?) and a totally checked-out Jamie Madrox, we reach the epic conclusion of our first Deathstalker movie! Runtime: 00:50:47 - THE ENDNEXT UP: DEATHSTALKER 2: DUAL OF THE TITANS

  • June 9 · 1 hr 1 min

    Deathstalker Part 2 - He/Ham

    What's up perverts? The Swordboys are talking Cut 2 of the original Deathstalker this week. We start off in Munkar's Harem, where our titular hero sits idly by while ladies, hopped up on turkey legs and apples, are being tossed about and assaulted by his fellow combatants, one of whom is a guy with a pig's head. Meanwhile, the kinkiness continues in Munkar's chamber, where he feeds body parts to his vomit puppet (who has a name!) and uses his magic to turn his guard into a pretty princess. This cut ends with a memorable seduction and the death of the breast-I mean-best character. You will do flips for this cut!Runtime: 00:27:36 - 00:50:47

  • May 26 · 1 hr 8 min

    Deathstalker Part 1 - So Horny

    Rick is drunk with power - the Sword of Power that is! That's because his pick is the entire DEATHSTALKER franchise! In Cut 1 of the original Deathstalker (1983), we meet a fairly problematic hero who is sent on a quest to defeat a dark wizard, save the princess and collect the Three Powers of Creation in order to "become the power" (whatever that means). Along the way, he runs into Planet of the Apes extras, sweaty rapists, elderly voyeurs, a king with no kingdom, the witch from Snow White, a weirdo in a cave that will make you say WTF, Shrek, Jason Voorhees and a Barbarian Queen with a couple of impressive assets. So grab a leg of dog, get your face tattooed but keep your hands away from the vomit puppet, embrace your inner child, and please: no riddles - the Swordboys are onto some uncharted but very horny territory here. And don't forget your sword cup!Runtime: 0:00 - 27:36

  • May 12 · 1 hr 6 min

    Braveheart Part 8 - Juicy Jerry

    The Swordboys await their sentence at the end of their time with the famous fanfiction movie Braveheart. As they do, they dig deep into such topics as who their guy is, doing or throwing mushrooms at a public event, how to kiss with a mouthful of liquid, locking eyes with weird kids, and something about a Juicy Jerry? Hey listen, every man dies. Not every man really podcasts about sword movies. But does this movie get our sword? And what does Rick have up his sleeve for our next series?? And how soon before Jonathan and Robin cry FREEDOM!!!!!!!Runtime: 2:31:11 - END

  • April 28 · 1 hr 3 min

    Braveheart Part 7 - Swipe Left for Holes

    Join the Swordboys as we sit catatonically by a river and contemplate Cut 7 of Braveheart. RSVP Campbell. And there is so much death, but on the plus side, there are so many free swords! Bobby Junior spirals emotionally as William starts literally dropping bodies. And against the advice of his closest allies, our hero steps directly into the Taint of High Treason! Will this be the end of William Wallace? Tune in next cut! Same Swordtime! Same Swordchannel! Runtime: 2:09:53 - 2:31:11

  • April 14 · 54 min

    Braveheart Part 6 - Buckethead

    Swordboys returns unkilled by the heathens, but we do look back...at Cut 6 of Braveheart, that is. Eddie Senior decides to use William's love of the French to trick him. But, faster than you can say New England Clam Chowder, Chef Wallace leads his Soupboys into battle yet again. But a mysterious Buckethead has joined the British ranks. Could this be William's undoing? Runtime: 01:50:58 - 02:09:53

  • March 31 · 1 hr 5 min

    Braveheart Part 5 - Meat Cute

    Time for a medal ceremony! Sorry Chewie. With no help from his sodomite cousin the prince, Mork from York is sacked and beheaded after the Riders of Rohan arrive. Meanwhile Longshanks throws Bran Stark out of a window, and Princess Isabelle and Nicolette pitch a tent for William.Runtime: 01:33:00 - 01:50:58

  • March 17 · 1 hr 18 min

    Braveheart Part 4 - Stephen's the Name!

    Soup's on! The Swordboys gather around a fire to sample some of William's audition for The Bear, seasoned from mysterious herbs hidden under his kilt. Enter Stephen: a man with God's ear, an island to himself and possibly a podcast. They stick their faces in chemical toilets and ride to Stirling for an epic battle not meant for Softboys. Is Campbell okay? Maybe we should ask Hamish's mother, amirite? Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize all the TCBOOs you ever wanted in one moment. Would you subscribe to it or just let it slip? Yo. Because you may take our free feed, but will you ever take....OUR PATREON!?!Runtime: 01:07:27 - 01:33:00

  • March 3 · 1 hr 7 min

    Braveheart Part 3 - Farming Lowlander Aura

    In this cut, William rides in farming aura, threshing faces with Scottish nunchucks, and leading his dirty boys in taking down Fort Shit and avenging the death of Maid Murren. Meanwhile, Lady Cluck tells tales of romance and Robert the Bruce Senior is just falling to pieces. MacAulish!!Runtime: 00:46:03 - 01:07:27

  • February 17 · 1 hr 11 min

    Braveheart Part 2 - William's Crappy House

    In Cut Two, the Swordboys are back in Shrek's boggy marsh, to welcome the adult William Wallace, with his clean-shaven face, perfect teeth, and stolen Highlander wig. Old William has returned to get into some good ol' rock throwing with McCloy, flip his old "house" and make a play for his childhood sweetheart. But, of course, the British cutthroats show up to destroy the vibe. Runtime: 00:21:03 - 00:46:03

  • February 3 · 1 hr 10 min

    Braveheart Part 1 - What Do You Mean It's All Wrong?

    Welcome back to the Highlands, er Lowlands! The Swordboys strap on their best kilts and their best Scottish accents to ride into battle for 1995's BRAVEHEART! In Cut One, young William Wallace is drafted into the Weapon X Program for his skills in the kitchen. Later on, Longshanks assembles his cabinet to Make Scotland England Again, while Robert the Bruce arrives in Edinburgh (not pronounced how it is spelled). Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:21:03

  • January 20 · 1 hr 9 min

    Jason and the Argonauts Part 6 - Their Bones Are Their Currency

    Is everybody Hydrated and ready to bone? It's time for the final cut of Jason and the Argonauts and finally we get to the long-awaited skeletons-with-swords scene! But before that, Jason finds the Golden Fleece, just in time for the holidays and battles the Hydra, a creature with wasted potential. Then, after one boring miracle and some gardening with Johnny Appleseed, Jason and his two men (the rest didn't get shore leave) find out what the skeletons use for money! Finally, we decide if this movie deserves our swords, and announce what is coming next! Runtime 01:26:17 - 01:43:48

  • January 6 · 1 hr 3 min

    Jason and the Argonauts Part 5 - Baby Argus New Year!

    Happy Baby Argus New Year! Medea’s Family Shipwreck gets Jason’s personal attention. The two other survivors are being looked after. Meanwhile, Acastus gets tied up in knots and ends up betraying them all. Euphemus shows up dead as a doornail. After public shaming by King Aeetes, Jason and the Argonauts are captured but luckily Medea Goes To Jail to help them escape! Muster Your Men, Captain! (There better be skeletons next time…) Runtime (01:08:43 - 01:26:17)

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