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Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

Elise Loehnen

Writer Elise Loehnen explores life’s big questions with today’s leading thinkers, experts, and luminaries: Why do we do what we do? How can we understand and love ourselves better? What would it look like to come together and build a more meaningful world?

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20 episodes
Updated Thursday
weekly
54 min on average

Episodes 20

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#307Thursday · 58 min
Is "Churn" Ruining Our Relationships? (Claude Steele, PhD)
Claude Steele is a social psychologist, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, and the author of Churn: The Tension That Divides Us and How to Overcome It. Churn refers to the stress we often feel in diverse settings in everyday life; it’s the psychological reaction to being under identity threat—which is something we can all experience based on any myriad number of identity factors. Steele explains how churn can be an insidious and debilitating force in our personal lives, and he explains why the most effective way to approach churn is by building trust in a given situation. (While obviously Steele isn’t in support of prejudices of any kind, he doesn’t think the antidote here is to eliminate prejudice—and I think you’ll find his reasoning interesting.) For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#306July 30 · 58 min
On Finding Our Soul’s Vocation (James Hollis, PhD)
If you’ve been tuning into July’s special series of sorts, thank you, and I hope you’ve also been enjoying revisiting these conversations from the archives, or maybe you’re discovering them for the first time. Today, we have a big one with Jungian analyst James Hollis, PhD, who is the author of many, many books that are incredibly meaningful to me. And this conversation still lives up to how much I love his work. I actually cried at one point during our chat, which more or less revolves around how we go about finding our soul’s vocation. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#305July 27 · 50 min
Do You Need to Put Yourself in Order? (Monthly Solo)
I’m thrilled to be back on the podcast mic again—I’ve been healing from a double mastectomy and I’m doing well! Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of me. This update covers: the surgery experience, the energy healers and lymphatic masseuse I’ve been working with, a few essential things I bought for the recovery phase, something my friends did that was a huge help, and the mini revelations that have come to me during this sabbatical of sorts. I’m sharing a bit from the Omega retreat that I hosted with Satya Doyle Byock, a Jung story that set me straight, synchronicities from an oracle deck that I love, and what I’m up to next—now that I’ve realized I cannot out-robot the robots. For the show notes—including the healer guide—head to eliseloehnen.com (my new site is finally live!). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#304July 23 · 1 hr
Putting Action Before Contemplation (Richard Rohr)
This special episode initially ran early in 2025 but I wanted to bump it up for those of you who missed it and also because I honestly think Richard Rohr is worthy of a re-listen. If you’re not already familiar with Richard Rohr, he’s a wonderful Franciscan friar, the founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, and one of my most profound teachers. I really loved and highly recommend his book The Tears of Things: Prophetic Wisdom for an Age of Outrage. In this conversation, he helps us to make sense of disorder, evil, anger, and grief—while also helping us to truly grow. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#303July 16 · 1 hr 6 min
When Stress Becomes Illness (Gabor Maté, MD)
Gabor Maté, MD, is renowned for his work on addiction, stress, trauma, and understanding and healing from illness. He has written several books, including The Myth of Normal. As part of a special series of sorts this month, I’m turning back to a conversation I had with him a few years ago about his perspective on the relationship between how we live, the culture we live in, and our health. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#302July 9 · 55 min
Conflict as a Tool for Growth (Esther Perel)
I believe this is the most-listened-to episode ever on Pulling the Thread. It’s a conversation that I had with therapist Esther Perel in 2023 that still stands to this day—but that’s Esther for you. I think it also highlights how difficult it remains for many of us to get comfortable with conflict in our relationships, and to disagree and even fight, productively, with someone else. Whether you tend to avoid friction or go up in flames—or have a partner who does one or the other—I think you’ll find Esther’s framing compelling. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#301July 2 · 50 min
Struggle Is Real—Suffering is Optional (BJ Miller, MD)
Hi, friends. For those who are interested, I’m saying more about this in my solo episodes, but as I was preparing to recover from a non-life-threatening (and yet major) health surgery, I spent some time thinking about what would be meaningful to share with you all for the next few weeks or so. And I landed on a shortlist of conversations that I’ve had on Pulling the Thread over the years that resonated with listeners, that stuck with me, and that feel ever more relevant today, and worthy of a first-time listen now—and even a re-listen. First up is my conversation with everybody’s favorite palliative medicine physician, BJ Miller. BJ has become a dear friend of mine and I find his approach to fear and the unknown to be incredibly helpful in so many aspects of life—from relationships to career to contemplating our larger purpose. This episode originally ran at the very end of 2021, which seems hard to believe for me! I hope you still love it, too. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#300June 29 · 54 min
A Life Update (Monthly Solo)
I spent the past month largely recovering from a (successful) double mastectomy—it was very intense, and I also had amazing care, from my team at UCLA, and from my family and friends. I am healing well and my prognosis couldn’t be better—I’m very lucky that intervention was early and I am not fighting for my life. I recorded this episode before my surgery—I did this for a number of reasons: to record the process of navigating options, to highlight where the big fear pockets were for me, and also to work through a second diagnosis, that’s scary-sounding but also in hand. If you’ve faced something like this—or are fearful of facing something like this—I hope my thought process is helpful. In last month’s episode (“Taking Your Foot Off the Gas”), I talked a bit about needing a sabbatical—and this is why. I appreciate all of you so much—thank you for continuing to listen to Pulling the Thread while I take some time to take care of myself. I'm very grateful for your support. For the show notes and full transcript, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#299June 25 · 1 hr 3 min
Getting Out of the Unconscious Loyalty Trap (Mark Wolynn)
Mark Wolynn is a pioneer in the field of inherited family trauma, the director of the Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, and author of the recently updated classic It Didn't Start with You (there’s also now a companion workbook). I find his work endlessly fascinating. Here, he helps us see how inherited family trauma, attachment trauma, and unconscious loyalty is often unknowingly affecting our lives—and, importantly, what we can do about it to make positive change in our lives now, and for future generations. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#298June 18 · 52 min
Reckoning with the End of a Relationship (Belle Burden)
After the shocking end of her marriage, Belle Burden chose not to let herself get erased. Today, we talk about what she chose instead and the person she’s evolved into since writing her stunning memoir Strangers. Burden reminds me that while we can’t always understand why people do what they do, we can learn to live tethered to our own truth. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#297June 11 · 1 hr 3 min
What’s Behind Lasting Attraction? (Paul Eastwick, PhD)
I had so much fun reading psychologist Paul Eastwick’s book Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection. A lot of his work reveals the enduring myths that are engrained in our culture and our minds about attraction, compatibility, gender differences, and relationships—and why these myths have been somewhat mistakenly connected to evolutionary psychology. The way he debunks these myths is so helpful, and also very entertaining, I think, whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship. Today, he shares some great hot takes on the apps; the significance (or not!) of first impressions, what’s behind compatibility and lasting attraction, how same-sex friends work, infidelity risk factors—and much more. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#296June 4 · 57 min
Why Women Need Fairytales Now (Sharon Blackie, PhD)
“That’s the kind of story, that's the kind of image that I'm talking about—that really just sinks into you and won’t let go,” says psychologist Sharon Blackie. Today, Blackie returns to discuss her new book Ripening: Why Women Need Fairytales Now. Once again, her perspective is helping me make sense of who we are at different stages of our lives. Sharon's first episode on Pulling the Thread: "How to Fully Engage with the Rest of Your Life" For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#295May 28 · 58 min
The Promise of Dark Retreat (Andrew Holecek)
“We’re all addicted to light,” says Andrew Holocek, author of Total Eclipse of the Mind: Unleashing the Power of Darkness for Creativity, Healing, and Transformation. “We’re all light junkies in the deepest possible way. And so because we're so lost in the light, blinded by the light, that I think the pendulum is swinging back. And there's a deep intimation, it may be inarticulate for a number of people—why so many people are simultaneously attracted and repulsed by the darkness, of what it represents.” Today, Holocek (who has been meditating for 50 years and doing dark retreat for 30) shares how to dip your toe into dark practice, a soothing way of framing fear, and a glimpse into what each of us might find in the dark. For the show notes (including a link to the masks we talk about), head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#294May 25 · 31 min
Taking Your Foot Off the Gas (Monthly Solo)
As I’m heading into a series of initiations, I’m sharing a few challenges (opportunities!) that I’m sure many of you are familiar with: our struggle to prioritize ourselves, worrying over what will happen if I slow down, wanting to have faith in myself in the way that I have faith in other people and in the world. In this month’s solo episode, I’m also sharing a bit about my upcoming move from Substack to Beehiv, a sabbatical of sorts that I’m taking, and what’s coming up on the podcast. You can hear my subsequent update here: "A Life Update" For the show notes, you can head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#293May 21 · 54 min
Designing Your Own Ritual (Bruce Feiler)
New York Times–bestselling author Bruce Feiler is back after just a few years with another great one, A Time to Gather: How Ritual Created the World—and How It Can Save Us. Today, he reveals what he’s learned about the rise of reinvented rituals. He shares some incredible stories of people around the world who are creating rituals for all kinds of moments—from celebrating professional and personal milestones to honor walks for organ donors, miscarriage rituals, and Taylor Swift divorce parties. He also guides me through a ritual design class in real time, showing how simple—and powerful—it can be to create a ritual of connection in our own lives. Bruce Feiler's first episode on Pulling the Thread: "The Non-Linear Life" For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
#292May 14 · 47 min
The Most Dangerous Idea Ever Created (Ibram X. Kendi, PhD)
Ibram X. Kendi, is the author of the #1 New York Times–bestseller How to Be an Antiracist. His new book is Chain of Ideas: The Origins of Our Authoritarian Age. It is incredibly insightful and illuminating in terms of mapping out how we got to where we are, around the world. And what Kendi shares in our conversation today is also quite helpful in terms of pointing us in a new direction. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
May 7 · 58 min
Not Operating by the Checklist (Stacey Lindsay)
I met Stacey Lindsay about a decade ago and worked with her for a few years—she’s a curious, compassionate journalist and writer—but I didn’t know much of her own incredible personal story until I read her new book Being 40 and had this conversation with her. We talked about the meaning of this decade of our lives, but more broadly, we talked about the scripts and checklists that women are often handed throughout our lives—and how we go about setting these down, centering ourselves, and self-authoring. We talked about being disappointed by the people we love, about forgiveness, about breaking cycles, and about the people we want to become next. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
April 30 · 55 min
Solving Medical Mysteries—and the Diagnosis Crisis (Alexandra Sifferlin)
In 2018, health and science journalist Alexandra Sifferlin began her investigation into the American diagnosis crisis: Why are so many people being misdiagnosed? What is the cost of this error? Who is trying to change the system—and what does a better healthcare system (for all of us) look like? The resulting book—The Elusive Body—is a fascinating read. Today, we cover the major parts of Sifferlin’s investigation and what’s unfolded even since she finished writing. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
April 27 · 38 min
Could We Accept Stillness? (Monthly Solo)
I had some personal highs this April, and also a strange feeling (for me, someone who is constantly in motion, always moving forward) of being a bit unmoored—a reminder of needing to wait, of letting cycles be, of accepting stillness (or trying to, at least). I’ve also been thinking of a (related) Carissa Schumacher metaphor—the idea that each of us prefers a different part of the cycles of life: seeding, growing, or harvesting. I’m reflecting on all of this—and a few other new things that have become very meaningful to me—in this month’s solo episode. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
April 23 · 1 hr 1 min
What’s Your “Why”? (Rachel Goldberg-Polin)
In her moving and beautiful book, When We See You Again, Rachel Goldberg-Polin writes about her love for her son, Hersh, who was stolen from a musical festival on October 7, 2023, and executed after 328 days of being held hostage. While I completely understand the instinct to turn away, I also really hope you will stay with us for this conversation, if you can. Rachel is incredible, and there are so many gifts to be found in her words. She told me stories that made me laugh, that stunned me, that were utterly profound, and that will stay with me forever. If you have ever wondered why we’re here—or what your “why” is—I think you will also be changed by Rachel, too. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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