transcript
show notes
Last week I did my biggest BOLD activity yet. I attended Inner Child Theatre Camp in Big Bear, California. My original intention was to record my thoughts along the way and include them in the podcast episode, but I came to the realization after the September BOLD that it can take me out of the moment and into my head when I try to evaluate my own experience as it happens.
So instead, you can listen to my before/after thoughts on the podcast and read my in-the-moment thoughts from each day right here in the notes.
9/30/2026The social aspect has been much easier than I expected. I have latched onto the person I drove in with, but I’ve talked with many others and even spoke up in the big groups. I’ve also found the singing to be somewhat easier than I feared because I chose to do lower harmony, which I’ve never done before and really never understood how it works. The inner child play hasn’t been too bad. A lot of it has been similar to improv class. And the visualization has been similar to the workshops I do with Sage and others. The most challenging part has been the dance. Not only the learning of the steps, but it’s had me incredibly emotional. I have been frustrated that I can’t keep up with the music. I had a flash of myself sticking can tabs in the sole of my shoes to be able to tap dance as a kid. And how much I wanted to be a dancer but didn’t have the stamina. It’s not stamina that’s in my way now, and I can’t let the perfectionist go. Everyone has been incredibly kind and supportive about it, but I’m still struggling with shutting down my negative thoughts.
10/1/2026I’m still struggling in the dance and I’m so frustrated by it. I’m trying to let go of perfectionism but can’t seem to do it. When we were doing a freeform improvised dance I stayed on the edges and at one point something sticking out of the baseboard caught my eye. It was a sticker of a mushroom (I love mushrooms) that said “Love you so mush.” I put it on my water bottle. I know that’s what I should be saying to myself, yet my brain keeps telling me that I’m a failure. People have tried to be supportive, telling me that they struggle too, but my brain keeps saying that I’m struggling more and they just don’t see how awful I am. They say to just have fun with it, but I can’t find the fun. I’ve cried in every dance session. I don’t cry in the sharing sessions (unless I talk about dance). I can do the steps when we are doing them slowly without music. But add in the music and I can’t keep up. I know I’m not perfect in the singing. Yet that doesn’t bother me. I also didn’t go to the bonfire last night. Partially because I’ve liked having time alone in the cabin before sleep, but also so that I didn’t have to walk uphill. Thomas said “it’s not that much of a hill.” To which I replied “for you.” I’m struggling with the altitude as well as the exertion. Which brings back all of my feelings of being defective. That’s the root of so much of my trauma. That feeling of being defective. It’s what I worked on in therapy. But I haven’t really worked on healing that since. I’ve been focused on the social anxiety aspect, trying to reframe my cognitive distortions in that regard, but I haven’t focused on my feelings of defection. Perhaps that’s what this week has opened up. And why dance, which requires that physical exertion, is my biggest challenge. So the question is, how do I reframe it? How do I teach my brain to stop focusing on how different I am and celebrate that I’m a unique individual and that’s okay?
10/2/2026I’ve had lots of people give me words of support and encouragement. Which almost feels worse than no one noticing my struggle. My brain wants to be capable, but my body just isn’t getting it. And I feel like the people that say they’re struggling too aren’t struggling to the same degree or for the same reasons. Thomas came over and asked if he could dance next to me and I said “well, YOU can. I’ve given up.” And even though I know it’s a perfectly valid choice to not do the dance, I really wanted to. But every time I try, the fun flies away. I’ve shared several times in small and large groups, and everyone has tried to make me feel better. But my brain keeps telling me they’re just being nice and they can’t possibly understand. Not really.
10/3/2026This morning I texted my husband about my realization.
Me – “This camp has been very eye opening. I’m unpacking a ton of inner trauma that I haven’t focused on because of the social anxiety taking the focus. 
I came to the realization this morning that the reason I’ve been so emotional about the dancing portion is because it has emphasized my feelings of being defective and unable to keep up with my peers.”
Him – “That’s awesome!”
Me – “Now to figure out how to let that go.”
Him – “You’ve shown yourself, in many ways, that you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for. Someone will always be better at individual aspects of our lives, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try and improve that part for ourselves. The combination that is you is unique and has value. It’s okay to show up different, ‘cause showing up is the part that matters.”
In the back of my head I’d convinced myself that Larisa was talking to me so often because she had me as her secret camper. I had a no doubt that she would have zero interest in me otherwise. But that was not the case. I tell myself these stories that I’m not good enough for anyone to genuinely like me. When I confessed to her, she was emphatic that she sought me out because I was likable.
I’d also bravely confessed to Abbie that I had not approached her because I felt like she was way too cool for me and I was unworthy. Why do I feel this way? Why do I have such a hard time believing that I am likable beyond being someone to vent to? I pass all kindness off as being due to the other person’s obligation rather than any quality I might possess.
If you’re curious about Inner Child Theatre Camp, I highly suggest checking their website for a camp near you.
