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Lights On with Carl Lentz

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Lights On with Carl Lentz is exactly what this show is. Carl Lentz is turning on the lights in his own life, & giving people space to do the same. We will lead with vulnerability, & have open conversations to bring light to the inner darkness in our lives.

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#119
Yesterday · 39 min
Four Myths about Betrayal We Need to Stop Believing
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Some of the biggest misconceptions couples carry into betrayal recovery aren't just wrong. They're the reason people stay stuck for years. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about four of the most common myths they hear over and over from listeners, friends, and couples they've walked through this with. And every one of them lands somewhere that will surprise you. The first: can your marriage ever be the same after betrayal? The second: does staying mean you're weak? The third: if you don't trust them yet, have you really forgiven them? The fourth: does the cheater always have the most work to do? You'll hear Carl and Laura push back on the assumption that "the same as before" is even a good goal, and why the couples who thrive after betrayal often say their marriage is now better than it was, not because the betrayal was worth it, but because the work forced a level of honesty most marriages never touch. Laura gets direct with the wives who feel judged by other women for staying, and what she wishes every friend group understood about the courage it takes to sit in the fire long enough to know what you really want. Carl walks through the difference between forgiveness and trust, why "prove it to me" is the wrong posture for a betrayed spouse to take, and why the person who broke it doesn't get to carry all the work either, they get to carry all the responsibility. Stay for the reframes that anchor the whole episode: your marriage doesn't need to be the same, it needs to be honest. Staying isn't weakness, it's often the harder path. Forgiveness releases you. Trust is theirs to rebuild. And the closer worth writing down: zero fault does not mean zero work. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#118
August 31 · 46 min
Forgiveness, Triggers, Relapse, and Alcohol: Your Questions Answered
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com We're home in Virginia Beach and back in the mailbag. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take on four of the most common questions couples in recovery keep sending in. Not the surface-level questions. The ones people ask when they trust the answer is going to be honest. The first: is forgiveness the same as reconciliation? The couples who get stuck here almost always confuse the two, and it costs them years. The second: how do you tell the difference between a real danger sign and old trauma firing again? Laura walks through the exact tool she uses to defuse a trigger in real time before it hijacks the whole conversation. The third: what do you do when the fear of relapse becomes its own weight in the marriage, and are ultimatums ever a good idea? Carl gets honest about his own slip-up five months into recovery, why they've thrown out the word "relapse" entirely, and the honesty system that carried them through: a 24-hour rule that eventually became a daily check-in. The fourth: does alcohol help or hurt long-term recovery, and how do you know when it's crossed the line from social to self-medicating? You'll hear Laura get direct about why "resourceful, not right or wrong" is the frame every couple should adopt when they're rebuilding routines. Carl walks through the difference between relief and healing, why environment matters more than morality in a season of repair, and why the couples who make it long-term stop performing for outside judgment and start building for evidence instead. Stay for the tool that will help someone this week (VATS: Verify, Ask, Truth, Support), the reframe worth writing down (reconciliation requires evidence, not just words), and the closer that anchors the whole episode: feelings of safety don't build a marriage. Evidence of safety does. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#117
August 24 · 39 min
The Three Listener Questions Every Betrayed Spouse Needs to Hear
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Carl and Laura are back with a new season, a new studio, a new book, and one of the most tender openings this show has ever had. Before Carl and Laura get into the listener questions, Carl opens up about the sudden loss of his sister Rachel, what he's learned about carrying grief and honor at the same time, and the reminder her life left him with: don't wait to say the things you actually feel. From there, they dive into three listener questions that go straight to the heart of what real repair looks like after betrayal. The first: what is the actual difference between shame and remorse, and how do you know which one is driving your spouse? The second: what does it look like to make real amends 21 years, three affairs, and a mountain of damage later, and are there times when the healthiest amends is the one you don't send? The third: how do you hold onto hope in a marriage that feels stuck, when the person who broke it seems to be sitting on the fence about whether to stay? You'll hear Carl get direct with the men who are still leading their apologies with self-pity, self-flagellation, or the quiet expectation that their spouse should carry their pain for them. Laura speaks to the women trying to raise teenagers through the fallout of a father who has stepped out of the picture, and she walks through what real, unvarnished conversations with kids can actually look like. Together they unpack the difference between words and evidence, why "amends" and "contact" are not the same thing, and why hope has to be built on what's actually happening, not what someone keeps promising. Stay for the reframes that anchor the whole episode: shame keeps the focus on you, remorse keeps the focus on the person you hurt. You don't need contact to make things right. Kids can smell inauthentic more than any of us. And the closer that will land for anyone quietly holding on: reality is not the enemy of hope. It's the soil where the only real hope actually grows. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#116
August 17 · 56 min
The marriage questions people are afraid to ask out loud
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Since Lights On started, we've been asked a lot of questions. Some out loud. Some in private messages. Some in the middle of a conversation with couples we love. In this special episode, Carl and Laura pulled the eleven hardest, most common, most necessary marriage questions into one place. This episode is for the couple sitting at the dinner table not saying what they really want to say. The wife wondering if what she's feeling is normal. The husband asking whether he still has the right to want more. The parents trying to figure out what to say to their kids. The couple healing from betrayal. The couple who was never touched by betrayal but is still fighting the same fight every year. The reader who's just curious how anyone builds a marriage that actually lasts. Carl and Laura get honest about the questions they've been asked over and over again. Should I stay or should I leave? Can trust actually be rebuilt after it's broken? What do you say to the children? What if you know your spouse is still lying? What's the difference between a marriage worth fighting for and a marriage worth grieving? How do you know if you're healing or just surviving? There are no easy answers here. But there are honest ones. And for anyone in the middle of any of these fights, honest is what actually starts to help. Stay for the reframes that have become the backbone of this show: unhealthy people can stay and unhealthy people can leave. The affair was the diagnosis, not the medicine. You cannot save your face and your soul at the same time. You didn't fall out of love, you fell out of focus. And the one that anchors it all: you are not behind. You are right on time. If you're new to Lights On, this episode is the door. If you've been walking with us for a while, this is a reminder of how far you've already come. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#115
August 10 · 39 min
How to actually change the climate of your home
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com The Summer Shots series continues, and this week's shot is the simplest and hardest one yet. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get into the third shot in the series: a 20-minute walk together, every day, for one week. And underneath it, the bigger conversation almost no couple is having on purpose. Who is actually setting the climate in your marriage? Carl and Laura walk through the greenhouse metaphor: how plants and people alike thrive or wilt based on the environment they're placed in, and why most couples blame each other for things the climate was quietly producing all along. Together they name the five things that shape the atmosphere of every marriage: your words, your emotional presence, your habits, your attention, and your expectations. Change any one of them, and the whole house feels different. You'll hear Carl get honest about how a spouse's climate can quietly cover for who they really are, and why "amending" the plan when life hits still counts as keeping the commitment. Laura walks through why side-by-side beats face-to-face for the hardest conversations in marriage, and why the couples who thrive are the ones building rhythms nobody's watching. Stay for the science behind why walking regulates your nervous system, the "too busy" excuse this challenge quietly exposes, and the bonus shot every married couple should try at least once: praying over each other out loud. If you've been waiting for a perfect moment to change the tone of your home, this is the reminder that it doesn't work like that. Small, consistent decisions do. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#114
August 3 · 32 min
How to encourage your spouse in a way they actually feel
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Last week Carl and Laura kicked off the Summer Shots series with the challenge to cut criticism for a full week. This week, they build on it with the second shot: intentional, specific, planned encouragement. Because taking something out only works if you put something better back in. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why encouragement almost always gets lost the longer you're married, why "useful" isn't the same as "valued," and why so many people confuse being needed with being loved. They walk through a simple two-step plan any couple can try this week: a morning shot of intentional encouragement, and a 5pm identity text that reminds your spouse who they are, not just what they did. You'll hear Laura get honest about the difference between appreciation and admiration, and why every spouse wants to be admired long after the newness fades. Carl speaks to the men still leading with "if she really loved me, she wouldn't need reminders," and why planning connection is not weakness. It's what people who value their marriage actually do. Nobody schedules criticism. But planned encouragement changes atmospheres. Stay for the phone reminder story that will make you laugh out loud, the reframe that will land for someone this week ("you become what you're noticed for"), the difference between digging for gold and digging for dirt, and the seven-day experiment worth actually trying. Home should feel different from the rest of the world. This week we get into how to make it that way on purpose. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#113
July 27 · 48 min
Why criticism is quietly killing your marriage (and what to try instead)
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Most people have never been taught how to apologize. And the ones who have often learned to do it in a way that quietly protects themselves instead of repairing anything. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about what a real apology actually looks like, why it's the single most important skill in a healthy relationship, and how a broken one has kept some of the best marriages stuck in the same fight for decades. Carl and Laura walk through the tension almost every apology creates: needing to defend, needing to explain, needing to remind them of the ways they hurt you too. Any of it is enough to sink the whole thing. Laura opens up about the moments she stayed silent when she shouldn't have, and how that shaped a version of herself she doesn't want to be anymore. Carl gets direct with anyone still leading their apologies with the phrase that undoes every one of them: "I'm sorry, but..." You'll hear the reframe that changes everything: the goal of an apology isn't a resolution, it's a genuine acknowledgment of hurt. You'll hear why over-apologizing is just as toxic as never apologizing, why some of us confuse tension for danger, and why the person who apologizes best in a marriage is usually the person who's healthiest. Stay for the anatomy of a real apology, the two-hour repair story that will make you cry-laugh, and the practical questions any couple can take home tonight to find out what's actually been getting in the way. If you've been fighting the same fight for years, this one was made for you. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#112
July 20 · 48 min
The alarm clock every marriage eventually hears
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Most marriages don't fall apart in a single moment. They quietly erode under the weight of what nobody's willing to say out loud. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about the one thing that changed everything for them, and could change everything for any couple willing to try it: radical honesty. Carl and Laura walk through the alarm clock every marriage eventually hears. The one that sounds like distance, resentment, secrets, or that quiet voice saying something isn't right. Most couples hit snooze. And snooze. And snooze. Until the snooze button stops working. This episode is about waking up before you have to. You'll hear Carl get honest about the exhausting tax of living with a mask on, and the relief that came when he finally put it down. Laura speaks directly to the wives quietly gaslighting themselves inside marriages where the alarm has been going off for years. Together they walk through the radical honesty inventory: three questions any couple can take to dinner tonight to start finding out what they've been protecting themselves from, what they're most afraid to hear, and where they've been settling for keeping the peace instead of telling the truth. Stay for the image trap that quietly destroys marriages (especially in ministry and Christian circles), the "active lies" check every couple should run, and the line worth writing down: you cannot save your face and save your soul at the same time. You don't need a catastrophe to become radically honest. You just need one conversation. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:44 - Welcome to Lights On 1:50 - Dropping Your Daughter Off + A Word to Young Dads 3:25 - "Was Infidelity the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You?" 5:22 - Nothing Good About Infidelity 7:50 - Refusing to Be Defined by One Chapter 9:02 - What People Really Mean Is Honesty 10:37 - The Affair Was the Diagnosis, Not the Medicine 13:30 - You Don't Need Infidelity to Get Radically Honest 15:31 - Don't Wait for Catastrophe 17:56 - The Alarm Clock and the Snooze Button 22:20 - The Alarm Wasn't the Gift, Waking Up Was 24:33 - The Unexpected Relief of Dropping the Mask 27:16 - The Active Lies Check 28:40 - The Truth Hurts Before It Helps 31:09 - The Radical Honesty Inventory 33:42 - Answering the Questions 17 Years Later 36:09 - Question 2: What Question Would Scare You Most? 38:53 - Question 3: Peacekeeping vs. Truth-Telling 40:42 - The Image Trap 46:25 - Unsubscribing From the Image Trap 47:24 - You Can't Save Your Face and Your Soul at the Same Time 49:07 - Homework: One Radically Honest Conversation 50:24 - Don't Wait for Rock Bottom See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#111
July 13 · 44 min
How to come back to each other after years of drift
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com Last week Carl and Laura opened up the biggest question in marriage recovery: how do you stop being lonely in your marriage? This week, they pick up right where that left off with the follow-up question thousands of couples are quietly asking. How do we actually come back to each other? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura tackle three real listener questions that get to the core of reconnection. How long does it take to come back after years of drift? What is a husband missing when his wife says she wants to reconnect but still feels miles away? And the big one: is it possible to fall back in love with the same person, or is that just wishful thinking? You'll hear why connection has to be consistent, not complicated, and why every couple has to stop copying someone else's rhythm and find their own. Laura gets specific about why understanding is the single biggest step in reconnecting, and how comparing your marriage to what you see online is quietly stealing joy from a marriage that's actually working. Carl walks through the reframe that changes everything for a husband still waiting to see results: separate your desire from your dependency. You can want reconnection deeply and still not build your growth on whether the other person meets you there. Stay for the frame that will land hard for someone this week: be impressed more easily. Small attempts turn into bigger ones when someone believes they can win. Plus the truth about repair attempts (the strongest predictor of long-term marital success), the "if you woke up tomorrow feeling connected, what would be different" question you can take home tonight, and the line that will stick: love is not a feeling. It's a choice. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:38 - Welcome to Lights On 3:42 - Bill Maher on Scheduling Sex 6:32 - How Do You Come Back to Each Other? 8:59 - God Behind Bars 9:36 - Find Your Own Connection Rhythm 13:33 - Principle vs. Preference 17:10 - BetterHelp 18:08 - Q1: How Long Does Reconnection Take? 23:20 - Q2: "My Wife Still Feels Miles Away" 26:09 - Wonder Project 27:11 - Q3: Can You Fall Back in Love? 30:13 - Separate Desire From Dependency 32:24 - Be Easily Impressed by Your Spouse 34:38 - Policy Genius 36:47 - Back Each Other's Small Wins 38:31 - Why Repair Attempts Matter Most 43:34 - The KD Jump Shot Analogy 45:00 - Book Announcement + Ad: Hope Is Alive 45:41 - Life Is Short, Marriage Is Long See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#110
July 6 · 54 min
How to stop being lonely in your marriage
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com You can be married and still lonely. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about one of the most under-talked-about realities in relationships: sitting next to someone every night and still feeling completely alone. If that sounds familiar, this one is for you. Carl and Laura walk through three real listener questions that get to the heart of connection: the wife wondering if she's asking for too much when her husband is a great provider and dad, the man realizing fifteen years in that he doesn't actually know his wife anymore, and the couple caught in patterns from Gottman's Four Horsemen without knowing they were doing it. Together, they unpack why "we fell out of love" is almost never the truth, and what's actually happening underneath it. You'll hear Laura get direct about the invisible weight women carry inside a lonely marriage, and the three questions every spouse should be asking themselves before asking anything of their partner. Carl gets blunt with the men: providing and protecting is the baseline, not the bar. He walks through the 4 D framework (decide, discover, design, delight) that changed how they show up for each other, why you have to win her every day instead of assuming you already have, and the shift that made intentional love feel less like effort and more like fuel. Stay for the line worth writing down: hysterical fights point to historical hurt, the reminder that clarity is kindness, and the reframe that just might rescue your marriage from autopilot. You don't fall out of love. You fall out of focus. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:45 - Welcome to Lights On 1:19 - Laura's Double Ear Infection 5:13 - Subscribe & Fan Mail 5:39 - Connected vs. Lonely Marriage 6:33 - Why Connection Means Better Fights 7:37 - This Week's Fight & Fast Repair 10:46 - God Behind Bars 11:27 - Fast Repair Equals Real Connection 13:50 - Introducing the Lonely Marriage 15:10 - How Men and Women Go Missing Differently 16:16 - Carrying the Invisible Load 17:48 - Being Lonely Is a Choice 18:32 - Q1: "Am I Asking for Too Much?" 19:57 - Providing Is the Baseline, Not the Bar 22:01 - Loneliness Isn't About Distance 23:57 - BetterHelp 24:59 - Three Questions to Get Clear on What You Need 26:39 - Vague Expectations Guarantee Disappointment 28:11 - Clarity Is Kindness 30:12 - Q2: The Four Horsemen 30:31 - Every Couple Fights Behind the Scenes 32:43 - Hysterical Fights Point to Historical Hurt 33:52 - Q3: "We Fell Out of Love" Is a Cop-Out 35:25 - Wonder Project 36:26 - You Feel What You Focus On 40:24 - The Honeymoon Season Always Ends 41:07 - The 4 D Framework 42:45 - Winning Her Every Day 46:02 - Policy Genius 47:42 - Discover, Design, Delight 53:04 - Attention, Not Perfection 54:09 - Hope Is Alive See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#109
June 29 · 54 min
What Your Anger is Actually Trying to Tell You
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com A listener wrote in with a question almost every betrayed spouse eventually wrestles with: I have every right to be angry, but I can feel it turning me into someone I don't want to be. How do I let go of my anger without letting him off the hook? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura take that question seriously and reframe one of the most misunderstood emotions in relationships. Anger isn't bad. Anger isn't just justified. Anger is information. And what most people are really fighting isn't the anger itself, it's the way unmanaged anger quietly turns into contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The kind that destroys homes long after the original wound stops bleeding. You'll hear Laura get honest about the anger she's still navigating six years later, the grief underneath it, and why an angry version of her was never going to lead anywhere good. Carl gets blunt with the men: a real man who has done what he's done keeps the hook in himself for life, so anyone afraid of "letting him off the hook" is fearing the wrong thing. He walks through the basketball blowup that woke him up to his own anger, the friends he was actually grieving, not raging at, and the shift from who am I angry at to what am I angry about that changes the entire conversation. Stay for the three options every angry person quietly chooses between (manage it, suppress it, heal it), the smoke and fire metaphor that reframes the whole journey, and the one-line journaling exercise that will start to surface what your anger is actually sitting on top of. Whether you're carrying anger from betrayal, friendship loss, or just years of unspoken hurt, this episode is built to help you stop fighting the smoke and start finding the fire. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 2:40 - Hobby Lobby Story 4:54 - When Anger Is Trying to Help You 8:12 - The Listener Question 9:19 - Ad: God Behind Bars 9:52 - Laura's Anger Journey After Betrayal 17:16 - Anger Isn't Bad or Justified. It's Information. 21:14 - Who Are You Angry At vs. What Are You Angry About 24:08 - What Righteous Anger Actually Looks Like 26:31 - Ad: BetterHelp 29:29 - What's Your Anger Sitting On Top Of? 32:03 - Why Men Struggle to Get Under Their Anger 32:48 - Carl: The Basketball Blowup 35:27 - Carl: The Friends I Was Actually Grieving 38:34 - Ad: Wonder Project 38:51 - Refuse to Let It Become Who You Are 40:36 - Option 1: Manage It 42:07 - Option 2: Suppress It 43:45 - Option 3: Heal It 45:59 - Manager vs. Suppressor: Our Anger Styles 48:00 - Honesty Over "Fixing" in Marriage 51:10 - Ad: Policy Genius 51:33 - The Journaling Exercise 53:41 - Closing Challenge See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#108
June 22 · 33 min
The two decisions every couple has to make after betrayal
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com After last week's episode reframing the most asked question in betrayal recovery, Carl and Laura pick up exactly where they left off. In this episode of Lights On, they introduce what they call the two decision reality: the framework that quietly carried them out of the valley and into the marriage they have now. Most couples think they have one decision to make after betrayal. Stay or leave. Carl and Laura make the case for two. Decision one: will I become healthy? Decision two: what do I want to do with this marriage? And the reason so many couples stay stuck is because they're trying to answer the second question while completely ignoring the first. You'll hear why making a marriage decision in the aftermath of betrayal is like driving drunk, like grocery shopping while starving, like reading a compass during an earthquake. Why trauma, anger, desperation, fear, and shame are the worst decision-makers in the room, and why slowing down isn't weakness. It's wisdom. Laura speaks to the women still trying to hold a family together with a shattered nervous system, and the kids who need a healed parent more than they need an immediate answer. Carl gets direct with the men: much of the marriage decision may no longer belong to you, but the decision to get healthy still does. And he walks through the questions every betrayer has to sit with before claiming they've actually changed. Stay for the next 90 days challenge, the difference between remorse and recovery, and the line that should settle every man wondering what to do while he waits: building yourself with hope and faith is the only thing that's actually yours to do. This is part two of a multi-part conversation. Next week, Carl and Laura get into the real cost of staying. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:49 - Welcome Back 1:27 - Last Week's Recap 3:04 - The Hardest Choice Isn't Staying or Leaving 4:25 - The Two Decision Reality (Decision #1) 5:39 - God Behind Bars 6:18 - Decision #2: What Do I Do With This Marriage? 7:18 - You Shouldn't Be Driving Right Now 8:53 - Why Trauma Shouldn't Make the Call 10:52 - Grocery Shopping While Starving 12:13 - Healthy Enough, Not Perfect 13:02 - Better Questions to Ask Yourself 14:16 - The Next 90 Days Challenge 14:38 - First Steps: Therapy and Recovery Groups 15:16 - The Power of Telling the Truth 16:33 - BetterHelp 17:36 - Decide Your Healing Matters 18:16 - What Your Kids Actually Need 19:50 - Carl: My Daughter's Delayed Pain 23:03 - Wonder Project 24:07 - The Goal Is Becoming Healthy 24:42 - To the Spouse Who Broke Trust 27:04 - Questions for Radical Honesty 28:02 - Policy Genius 29:32 - More Questions: Outcome, Identity, Change 31:20 - Image, Remorse, and Recovery 33:10 - Where This Leaves You See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#107
June 15 · 30 min
Should I stay or should I leave? (You're asking the wrong question)
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com After betrayal, almost every couple lands on the same question: should I stay or should I leave? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura make the case that this is the wrong question, and the rush to answer it is one of the most damaging moves a couple can make in the aftermath of infidelity. Drawing from their own season in the valley, Carl and Laura get into why urgency is not wisdom, why most of what people call certainty after betrayal is really just desperation looking for relief, and why two unhealthy people making any decision (stay or leave) will end up carrying the same wound into whatever comes next. They explain why the first mission is not the marriage. The first mission is health. You'll hear Carl get blunt about the level of breakdown a man has to be in to break his vows, and why "I made a mistake" misses the whole road that led there. Laura speaks directly to the wives wondering if they should be alarmed at how quickly forgiveness is being asked for, the friendships that ended because she didn't leave, and why she still says space (legal or not) is almost always the right move. Together, they introduce the better questions, the ones nobody wants to ask first but everyone eventually needs to: am I safe, am I getting real help, am I confident I have the whole truth, and what would becoming healthier actually look like for me in the next 90 days? Stay for the line that may flip everything for you: unhealthy people can stay and unhealthy people can leave. Neither decision guarantees healing. The decision itself is not the cure. This is part one of a multi-part conversation. The next episode picks up where this one leaves off. Bring your questions. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:38 - Welcome 1:42 - The Real First Question After Betrayal 3:00 - Why "Stay or Leave" Is the Wrong Question 3:39 - Laura: The Hardest Choice Is Getting Healthy 4:31 - The Pressure to Decide Now 6:14 - God Behind Bars 6:56 - The Obsession With the Marriage Itself 7:41 - Unhealthy People Can Stay or Leave 8:28 - The Decision Itself Is Not the Cure 8:47 - Laura: What You Carry If You Leave Unhealed 9:45 - Carl: What You Carry If You Stay Unhealed 10:37 - Betrayal Gets to Hurt You Twice 10:59 - Going Through It Isn't the Same as Overcoming It 11:30 - Laura: We Chose Health, Not the Marriage 12:05 - BetterHelp 13:00 - Health Gives Wisdom. Trauma Gives Reaction. 13:23 - What Carl Heard in Rehab 15:16 - How the Internet Gets This Wrong 15:43 - The Bad Advice That Hurts Women 17:22 - When Staying Immediately Isn't Strength 17:47 - When Friends Walked Away 19:30 - Laura: I Built Boundaries, Not Just Stayed 20:04 - Wonder Project 20:48 - "The Strongest Woman I Know" 22:12 - Why Separation Should Almost Always Come First 22:32 - Does He Know He's Not Well? 23:20 - It's Not the Act. It's the Road. 24:25 - Laura: What Staying Actually Took 24:45 - The Internal Condition Tells the Story 25:13 - Why Some Men Leave for the Wrong Reasons 26:20 - Policy Genius 27:38 - Where Do You Actually Start? 28:19 - Laura's Questions to Ask First 29:22 - "Do I Have the Whole Truth?" 30:08 - Don't Proceed Without the Full Truth 31:01 - Better Questions, Not Answers 32:17 - What's Coming Next See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#106
June 8 · 1 hr 8 min
You Will Not Get Around to a Healthy Marriage "Someday" (Part 2 with the Metcalfs)
Charles and Abby Metcalf are back at the table, and this one goes deeper than part one. In this episode of Lights On, Carl, Laura, Charles, and Abby get into the parts of marriage that quietly erode underneath the busy life of raising kids: the conflicts that aren't actually about what they look like, the unspoken games we play hoping our spouse will read our minds, the way two exhausted people can drift apart without ever raising their voices, and the truth most couples never address out loud about what's happening (or not happening) in their bedroom. You'll hear Abby tell the story of the moment her old toxic game broke wide open with one shouted question her husband couldn't answer, why both couples agree your sex life is the clearest drift indicator you have, and the slow, sneaky death of "I should be able to do this myself." Carl gets honest about what it actually looks like for a man with a history of betrayal to learn how to ask for support again, and how the "deposit before the withdrawal" frame keeps him steady. Laura speaks to the women still afraid to be honest about what they need, and what it cost her to stop playing the small games she didn't even know she was playing. Stay for the complaint to compliment log challenge, the two-minute eye contact experiment that exposes how present you've actually been, the hand-hold-while-you-fight trick, and the line that should be written on the wall of every married couple's house: you will not get around to a healthy marriage someday. This is part two with the Metcalfs. Bring your spouse. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Follow Charles at: https://www.instagram.com/charlesmetcalf/ Follow Abby at: https://www.instagram.com/abbyrosemetcalf/ Chapters: 0:00 – Cold Open 1:07 – Welcome Back: Charles & Abby Metcalf, Part 2 3:09 – How Kids Change a Marriage 4:01 – The Conflict That Keeps Showing Up 8:40 – Abby on Doing Deep Inner Work While Mothering 10:26 – God Behind Bars 10:59 – Why You Can't Process Everything at Home 12:29 – Small Fights, Big Resentment 16:06 – Homework: One Way to Make Them Feel Supported 17:08 – Why Wives Don't Ask for Help 18:04 – BetterHelp 19:04 – Creating Safety for an Honest Answer 22:31 – What If They're Actually Trying Their Best? 25:43 – Stop Guessing. Start Asking. 28:45 – Grieving the Toxic Patterns You Grew Up With 29:56 – Homework: "I Feel Most Supported When..." 32:35 – Extra Credit: Hand-Holding and Eye Contact 34:31 – Wonder Project 35:15 – For the Husband Who Broke Trust 39:19 – Bids for Connection 41:31 – Why You Need Trusted Friends Outside the Marriage 42:20 – Reading the Room 44:34 – Grace When Their Effort Doesn't Land 46:23 – Policy Genius 47:34 – Where Graciousness Actually Comes From 50:03 – It's Never Too Late to Repair a Rejected Bid 51:22 – Wives, You Set the Temperature of the Home 52:38 – Complimenting Your Spouse in Front of Your Kids 53:30 – The Complaint-to-Compliment Log 54:12 – Marriage Drift Is Real 54:39 – Your Sex Life Is Telling the Truth 56:00 – Abby: When Sex Stopped Feeling Like a Chore 58:06 – If Sex Feels Secretive, Start Here 59:12 – If Sex Is Infrequent, Ask This First 1:00:22 – Why Withholding Sex Is Dangerous for Both of You 1:02:21 – Find a Healthy "Normal" From Couples You Trust 1:03:13 – Don't Make Sex a Reward System 1:06:30 – Your Patterns Today Are Your Marriage Tomorrow 1:07:57 – Tomorrow Is a Brand New Start 1:08:46 – Don't Ignore the Warning Signs 1:09:24 – Marriage Is Still the Coolest Thing 1:10:38 – Outro + Shoutout: God Behind Bars See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#105
June 1 · 59 min
What Kids Actually Do to Your Marriage | Ft. Charles and Abby Metcalf
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com For the first time on Lights On, Carl and Laura invited guests to the table: Charles and Abby Metcalf, dear friends, pastors, and parents of four little ones in the thick of the season most couples privately worry they won't survive. Together, the four of them get into the question hundreds of you have asked in different ways: what do kids actually do to a marriage, and how do you stay best friends through it? In this episode of Lights On, Carl, Laura, Charles, and Abby get honest about the parts of marriage that kids quietly expose. The impatience you didn't know was in you. The differences in parenting style that suddenly feel personal. The way two exhausted people can drift from lovers into co-managers without anyone noticing. The way "teammate energy" sneaks in and steals what brought you together in the first place. You'll hear Charles tell the story of his Mother's Day attempt to do everything alone (and the wrath of God that followed), why Abby believes a confident, joyful mom is the most valuable thing a household can have, and why both couples agree the best parents are always the best friends. Laura speaks directly to the moms carrying invisible weight, the ones who never get asked what they actually need. Carl speaks to the dads who clock out at work and clock out again at home, and the small mental shift that flips everything. Stay for the homework prompts you can take to dinner this week, the "what's in the way of becoming co-managers" frame that will change how you protect your marriage, and the line that lands no matter what season you're in: you are doing so much better than you think you are. This is part one with the Metcalfs. They're coming back. Bring a notebook. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Follow Charles at: https://www.instagram.com/charlesmetcalf/ Follow Abby at: https://www.instagram.com/abbyrosemetcalf/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro: 0:56 - Welcome & Meet the Guests: Charles & Abby Metcalf 3:29 - Learning Each Other Before Having Kids 5:13 - A Stranger's Kind Words at a Diner (Story) 6:52 - What Shocked Us Most About Having Kids (Impatience & Overstimulation) 10:39 - How Parenting Exposes Fragile Parts of Your Marriage 11:18 - GOD BEHIND BARS 11:50 - What Stretches Your Marriage the Most: Exhaustion & the "Same Team" Mindset 13:27 - Navigating Different Parenting Styles Without Undermining Each Other 15:28 - Have Ground Rules for Disagreeing in Front of the Kids 16:01 - When Marriage Becomes Survival Mode: How to Move Toward Thriving 17:18 - Homework: Ask What Drains & Restores Your Partner 18:06 - The Drift: How Couples Quietly Become Teammates Instead of Lovers 19:13 - How the Metcalfs Protect Their Friendship (Thursday Date Night) 22:14 - Flip the Script: Let Marriage Get in the Way of the Kids 23:11 - Better Help 24:10 - Staying Curious About Each Other as You Both Change 25:31 - Practical Tip: Create One Recurring Friendship Interruption This Month 27:01 - What Kids Learn by Watching Mom and Dad Prioritize Each Other 28:31 - Hold Yourself to the Same Standard You'd Hold a Son-in-Law To 29:12 - When Both Partners Feel Unseen: Invisible Weight 32:05 - Silent Anger Becomes Resentment — Naming It Before It's Toxic 33:44 - The Unseen Weight of Being a Mom 36:08 - Wonder Project 37:12 - Charles doing Mother's Day Solo With All Four Kids (Story) 38:27 - No iPads, Homeschooling & the Extra Layer of Demand on Mom 39:27 - The Resentment Trap When Both Parents Come Home Exhausted 41:28 - Building a Daily Structure That Gives Everyone Space to Breathe 43:38 - Intentional Architecture: Design Your Life Before the Fires Start 44:56 - Appreciating What Mom Holds — The "Walk Into the Ocean" Story 46:18 - The Most Common Root of Marriage Tension: Not Feeling Seen 47:00 - Policy Genius 48:10 - Laura's Story: Not Knowing Who She Was Outside of Her Family 49:52 - Women Finding Their Voice & Overcoming Mom Guilt 51:42 - Stop Getting Parenting Advice From Social Media 53:07 - The Value of Friendships That Actually Know You (Tornado Story) 55:52 - When Mom Is Flourishing, Everyone Is Better 57:54 - Homework: Ask What Makes Your Spouse Feel Most Unseen 59:38 - Speak Well of Your Spouse Behind Their Back 1:00:13 - The LeBron Effect: Moms Are So Good We Take Them for Granted 1:01:16 - Closing: Come Back Next Week for Part 2 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#104
May 25 · 55 min
How do you rebuild intimacy after betrayal?
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com This is the number one question Carl and Laura get asked, so they finally gave it a whole episode. A listener wrote in asking how you rebuild intimacy when sex, touch, and closeness have all become wired to pain, pressure, and fear. Underneath it sat the question almost nobody says out loud: will we ever have sex again? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura get honest about why intimacy after betrayal breaks down so fast, and why the problem is almost never that the intimacy disappeared. It's that the order got destroyed. They walk through what Laura calls the architecture of intimacy, the healthy sequence real connection actually flows through, and the broken version that quietly pushes couples toward divorce or a lonely marriage they never had to end up in. You'll hear why pressure is the one thing that shuts a nervous system down completely, why the price tag for future intimacy is elite patience, and why becoming a student of your spouse's nervous system will do more than any romantic gesture ever could. Carl gets blunt with the men still leading with "but I have needs." Laura speaks directly to the women carrying comparison, fear, and the quiet belief that they should want intimacy by now. Stay for the follow the order checklist, a set of questions you can actually take to dinner this week, the truth about why women trust patterns and not emotion, and the two words that change everything for a man trying to rebuild: build stability. Whether you're walking through repair or you just want a marriage that's more alive than it's ever been, this conversation is built to give you order, and order brings peace. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:32 - Welcome 2:50 - Will We Ever Have Sex Again? 3:41 - What We Can Actually Help With Today 4:56 - The Biggest Mistake Couples Make After Betrayal 5:41 - There Is an Order to Repairing Broken Trust 7:03 - The Architecture of Intimacy 8:12 - The Healthy Order: Safety → Connection → Security → Desire 9:42 - The Broken Order & Where It Leads 11:10 - God Behind Bars 11:43 - The Problem Is the Order Got Destroyed, Not That Intimacy Is Gone 13:19 - You're Not Broken, You're Not Rejected — You're Out of Order 14:25 - Don't Make This About You 17:10 - The #1 Thing Women Say Makes Intimacy So Hard: Pressure 18:34 - You Can Have Intimacy Again, But It'll Cost You Patience 20:45 - BetterHelp 21:45 - What About Husbands Who've Done the Work But She's Not Moving? 22:16 - Wanting Sex Isn't Wrong — Demanding It Is 23:11 - Stop Trying to Be Romantic. Become a Student of Her Nervous System 25:29 - It Does Help to Be Handsome — But Stability Is More Attractive 27:05 - A Wife Has Never Left a Kind Man. Ever. 28:03 - Carl Asks Laura: What Actually Healed You? 29:02 - Desire Returns Through Safety, Not Timelines 31:03 - Wonder Project 32:07 - What's Actually Going On Inside the Woman You Betrayed 33:47 - Patience Is a Skill & the Impatient Man Caused This Problem 34:17 - Delaying Gratification Speaks Volumes to Her 34:43 - You Cannot Pray Your Way Out of Hard Work 37:08 - Two Words Every Man Needs: Build Stability 40:34 - The Woman Can Break the Order. You Cannot. 42:20 - Follow the Order Checklist 43:46 - Policy Genius 44:58 - Have We Removed Pressure From the Intimacy Conversation? 45:45 - Are We Building Connection Outside the Bedroom? 46:41 - More Stable or Just More Apologetic? 47:31 - Are We Creating New Experiences or Only Processing Pain? 48:35 - Do We Understand Each Other's Nervous System Better? 48:59 - Real Life: Laura Loses It After Moving Kids Home 50:14 - Have We Become More Honest This Week? 51:05 - Don't Crush Him for Being Honest See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#103
May 18 · 40 min
How do you parent your kids when you feel disqualified?
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a parent emailed asking how to discipline their kids after blowing up the family, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Their question went deeper than discipline though. It was about authority. How do you lead your kids when you feel completely disqualified? And how do you stabilize their nervous system when yours is barely holding together? In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the parent who knows the unique pain of trying to show up for their kids after wrecking the very thing that was supposed to make them feel safe. They walk through three pillars that have carried their own family through six years of repair: posture, honesty, and confidence. None of them are what most people assume they are. You'll hear why your kids don't lose respect when you fail, they lose it when you pretend you didn't. Why removing discipline out of guilt actually steals the safety your children are craving most. Why secrecy "to protect them" usually does the opposite, and what the merry-go-round study reveals about the boundaries kids actually need. Carl gets honest about the dad voice that had to be retired and the one that took its place. Laura speaks directly to the betrayed spouse navigating their own version of this, and why the temptation to triangulate with your kids is one of the most costly choices a parent can make. Stay for the lighthouse metaphor, the turbulence-on-a-plane illustration that will change the way you talk to your kids about hard things, and the honest truth about how we tagged in and tagged out on the days neither of them had anything left to give. If you're parenting through repair, or watching someone you love try to, this one is for you. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 0:41 - Welcome & Episode Overview 1:25 - Book Announcement & How to Reach the Show 1:59 - The email 2:46 - Why This Moment Can Go Right or Wrong 3:45 - The 3 Keys: Posture, Honesty & Confidence 3:56 - What "Posture" Actually Means 4:26 - Wrong Posture: "I'm Still the Parent, Do What I Say" 5:01 - Right Posture: Own It, Repair It, Show Up Every Day 5:49 - Kids Lose Respect When You Pretend Nothing Happened 6:20 - The Guilt Trap: Why Discipline Can't Disappear 7:03 - Removing Discipline Removes Safety 7:49 - What Discipline Actually Sounds Like Now 8:46 - Holding the Line Consistently Rebuilds Trust 9:32 - Being Firm AND Humble at the Same Time 10:51 - God Behind Bars 11:24 - Correct With Empathy, Not Just Authority 12:16 - Discipline From Responsibility, Not Guilt 13:32 - Honesty — Why Parents Get This Wrong 14:18 - Silence Seeds More Instability (Real Story: Charlie) 16:00 - The Pattern You're Setting Without Knowing It 17:16 - What Honesty Actually Looks Like (Without Oversharing) 18:25 - BetterHelp 19:25 - Pushback: "I Don't Want to Break My Kid's Heart" 20:28 - Sample Language to Use With Your Kids 21:21 - The Fence Study: Why Kids Need Boundaries 22:09 - Secrecy Destroys Trust 22:33 - Turbulence Analogy: Be the Pilot, Not the Silence 23:30 - The Cost of Waiting Too Long to Be Honest 25:06 - Confidence — The Stabilizer 26:47 - The Betrayed Spouse's Crucial Role 27:26 - Wonder Project 28:30 - Don't Put Kids in the Middle 29:20 - Kids Will Be Angry, Test You, and Lose Trust — That's Normal 29:49 - Your Job: Stay Consistent, Not Control Their Reaction 30:56 - The Spouse's Rôle: Supporting Rebuilding 31:43 - When Kids Push Back: Simple Language That Works 33:04 - Find a Safe Outlet — Don't Dump on Your Kids 33:40 - The Lighthouse Dad Analogy 34:46 - Policy Genius 35:56 - How Did You Stabilize the Kids When You Were Unstable? 37:44 - Progress Isn't Linear — Good Days, Bad Days, Keep Going 38:09 - More Clinical Help on Kids' Nervous Systems Is Coming 38:47 - Final Encouragement: Recap of Posture, Honesty & Confidence 40:20 - Outro & How to Reach the Show See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#102
May 11 · 48 min
How Do You Know When FORGIVENESS Is REAL?
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a husband emailed asking why his wife still brings up his affair every week, three years after it happened, even though she says she has forgiven him, we knew this conversation was going to land for a lot of people. His question was simple and brave: am I allowed to ask for more? And underneath it sits the question nobody wants to say out loud. What's the difference between a spouse who is genuinely still healing, and a spouse who is using the past as a weapon? In this episode of Lights On, We got into the full timeline of recovery after betrayal: the early trauma phase, the processing phase, and the long rebuilding phase that doesn't end the way most couples expect. We explain why "time heals all wounds" is one of the worst lies ever sold, why some marriages get stuck in what they call a hostage crisis, and how to tell the difference between healing pain and recycled pain. You'll hear the sponge metaphor that has helped more couples than we can count. The guardrails every rebuilding marriage needs. The hard truth for women who say they want a strong man back while still breaking him down daily. And the even harder truth for men who keep leading with "don't I have the right" instead of "I'm choosing to own this." Whether you're three months in, three years in, or quietly sitting in pain longer than you want to admit, this episode is built to give you clarity. Because clarity is the thing that brings the power back into the room. We closed with the three choices every couple has to make: heal, heal together, or heal separately. The only option that doesn't exist is no plan. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 2:38 - Welcome 3:27 - The Email — "She Says She Forgave Me But Her Actions Say Otherwise" 4:18 - Are You Allowed to Ask for More? 5:45 - What You Lose the Right to Ask 6:34 - You Still Deserve Basic Dignity 7:56 - Where Is This Marriage Going? 8:37 - When She Stays But Won't Heal 9:07 - The Healing Timeline Explained 10:28 - Phase 1 — Chaos (0–3 Months) 11:04 - God Behind Bars 11:36 - Phase 2 — Processing (3–12 Months) 12:05 - Phase 3 — Rebuilding (1–2 Years+) 13:04 - Why "Time Heals All Wounds" Is a Lie 18:18 - BetterHelp 19:18 - What Real Healing Actually Looks Like 21:45 - The Sponge Analogy 23:08 - Using the Past as a Weapon vs. Processing It 24:38 - You Never Have to Forget 25:13 - The Ground Rules That Keep You Both Safe 27:25 - How Your Words Are Building or Destroying Your Husband 28:49 - Wonder Project 29:53 - Stop Being Vague About How You're Healing 31:12 - Getting Clear About Intimacy 32:50 - How Do You Know Someone Is Actually Healing? 33:04 - When Therapy Makes Things Worse 35:29 - She's Not Cold. She's Firm. 36:52 - Policy Genius 38:02 - Forgiveness and Rebuilding Are Not the Same Thing 38:31 - The Posture Every Husband Needs Right Now 39:55 - You Have to Learn to Meet Your Own Needs 41:23 - Stop Leading With "Don't I Have Rights?" 43:03 - Six Years Later — It Still Shows Up 44:58 - The Three Choices Every Couple Has to Make 46:56 - Are You Choosing to Heal Today? 48:04 - Outro See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#101
May 4 · 1 hr 3 min
Ambition or Family? You're asking the WRONG question | ft. Ruslan KD
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com This episode explores the tension between "be the light of the world" and "live a quiet life" - and why both can coexist in the same calling. Carl sits down with Ruslan Alkhouri, the Armenian refugee turned seven-figure media entrepreneur, about faithfulness before platform, godly ambition versus worldly fame, and why implementation always beats information. The conversation covers twenty years of faithful local service that nobody saw, how God breathed on Ruslan's YouTube platform during the pandemic, and the controversial topic of wealth in ministry. You'll hear why your assignment is seasonal but your purpose is constant, and why you can't change people no matter how hard you try. If you're wrestling with how to build something meaningful without losing your soul, or wondering whether your current season of faithfulness will ever lead to breakthrough, this conversation was made for you. Follow Carl at: instagram.com/carllentz Follow Laura at: instagram.com/lauralentz Follow Ruslan at: instagram.com/ruslankd Supported by Wonder Project https://www.thewonderproject.com/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://www.godbehindbars.com/ Supported by Policy Genius https://www.policygenius.com/ Supported by Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/ Chapters: 0:00 – Intro Highlights 0:56 – Meet the Guest: Ruslan 1:41 – From Armenian Refugee to Gangster Culture 4:35 – Finding Faith & Surrendering His Life 5:18 – 20 Years of Serving Quietly Before the Platform 7:30 – Shifting Away from Call-Out Culture 9:30 – Wonder Project (Sponsor) 10:35 – Getting Under Healthy Leadership at Rhythm Church 13:05 – Did He Feel Behind? The Engine of Godly Ambition 21:03 – God Behind Bars (Sponsor) 21:35 – Who Is This Book For? 29:39 – Policy Genius (Sponsor) 30:49 – Ambition Is Evil… Or Is It? 32:08 – The Comparison Trap & Social Media Lies 34:18 – "Live a Quiet Life" – The Most Misused Scripture 36:32 – The State of Culture: Distrust in Institutions 43:00 – Purpose Is Constant, Assignment Is Seasonal 45:31 – Small Habits Build Great Men 46:41 – BetterHelp (Sponsor) 47:41 – What You Do ≠ Who You Are 51:05 – Talent Stacking: Nothing Is Wasted 53:03 – Biblical Financial Literacy & The Missing Conversation 58:30 – Generosity Is a State of Mind 1:03:34 – Closing: The Book & Final Words See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
#100
April 27 · 51 min
How Do You Parent Kids Through Marriage Trauma?
Want to submit questions? Email us at hello@carlandlaura.com When a mom of three teenage boys emailed us asking how to lead her family through the aftermath of her husband's betrayal, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Her oldest son has gone cold. The anger is hardening. The whole family is weary. And she's wondering if the work she and her husband are doing will ever be enough to reach the kids who didn't choose any of this. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the question every couple in recovery eventually has to face: how do you parent well while your kids are still reacting to something you created? Drawing from six years on this road with their own three children, they reframe the question entirely, walk through what the adolescent brain is actually capable of processing, and offer five principles that have carried their family through layered, lagging, multi-year healing. You'll hear why the most dangerous timeline in family recovery is the one in your head. Why your son's anger is not his final form. Why "show me, don't tell me" is the only currency teenagers will spend. And why the goal isn't to win your kids back, it's to become so steady, so safe, and so full of life that the ice has no choice but to melt. If you're a parent in the thick of repair work, or you're watching someone you love try to lead a family through the consequences of a hard year, this one was written for you. Carl gets honest about shame, consistency, and the moments his own kids have caught him still mirroring their pain. Laura speaks directly to the fear underneath your child's reactions: they didn't just lose trust in you, they lost trust in life itself. Stay for the metaphors that will outlast the episode (the garden, the ice block, the leaking roof) and the reminder that you are not behind. You are right on time. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by Wonder Project https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus CHAPTERS: 0:00 Intro 0:58 Welcome to Lights On 1:00 The Listener's Email 2:51 The Family's Story 4:24 Why This Episode Matters 5:11 Reframing the Question 7:07 How Kids Process Betrayal 8:00 Children Heal on Their Own Timeline 10:13 The 5 Principles 11:01 Resetting Expectations 13:08 Principle 1: Don't Mirror Your Kids 18:07 The Garden Mindset 20:03 When Shame Tries to Win 21:34 They Lost Trust in Life 24:17 Leading When They're Not Okay 25:00 One Day at a Time 29:03 Answer Pain with Patience 30:28 Your Calm Heals Them 31:58 Show the Repair 34:04 Holding the Line with Grace 35:20 Keep Encouraging Therapy 36:44 Principle 2: Anger Isn't Their Final Form 38:35 Principle 3: You Can't Rush Trust 40:06 Do It Because You're Healthy 40:58 Control Your Consistency, Not Them 41:19 Principle 4: Lead by Example 43:10 Kids Notice Everything 44:25 Let Them See the Repair 45:03 Repair in Front of Them 46:47 Principle 5: Heat, Not Pressure 48:00 Creating Safety Over Time 49:20 Don't Give Up 49:54 Outro & Sponsors See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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