How To Deal

#40 When a Partner Isn’t on Board with Connection Focused Parenting | With Kyle & Sara Wester

What do you do when you want to parent through connection and your partner keeps reaching for control? Eli talks with Kyle and Sara Wester about the years when they were on different pages, the moment Kyle began to rethink discipline, and the daily conversations that helped them build a shared approach. They explore the fear underneath controlling parenting, how to support a partner without taking over, and what mutual respect looks like with teenagers. Their stories make room for imperfect moments, honest reflection, and coming back to repair. Key Takeaways Keep modeling the connection you want to build, even when your partner is not yet ready to hear a different perspective. Kyle shares how learning about fear and the brain helped him reconsider discipline and the parenting patterns he inherited. Notice when you are asking your children to soothe your stress, and make room to regulate yourself before responding. Brief, regular conversations can help partners understand the beliefs and expectations underneath their parenting choices. Supporting your partner can mean asking whether they want help and trusting them to handle a hard moment. Mutual respect grows through modeling, taking responsibility, and repairing when you get it wrong. About the Guests Kyle and Sara Wester are the hosts of The Art of Raising Humans. In this conversation, they share their experience as parents and counselors, including how they moved from conflicting approaches toward a shared vision for their family. Visit Art of Raising Humans Resources Mentioned Parenting Together Workbook — Kyle and Sara’s free resource for exploring a shared approach to parenting; email signup required. Art of Raising Humans resources Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#39 Nerd Notes | Victim Mentality vs. Real Harm

In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim mentality. With warmth and clarity, Eli walks you through the key markers of each, why abusive people often claim victim status, and why asking this question of yourself is actually a sign of health, not weakness. Key Takeaways Being victimized and having a victim mentality are not the same thing — and confusing the two can keep you stuck in harmful dynamics. Claiming harm is not the same as being a victim — recognizing you've been hurt is an act of courage and wisdom. A victim mentality uses perceived harm to justify harming others — whereas genuine victimization leads you toward healing, safety, and self-protection. Abusive people commonly hold victim mentality — they often believe they are entitled to control and will frame any loss of control as being victimized. There is a critical difference between hurt and harm, discomfort and trauma — learning to distinguish them is one of the most important relational skills you can develop. If you're asking this question, you're probably not the problem — the very fact that you pause to reflect is a strong signal that you've experienced real harm, not that you're the one causing it. Victim mentality is rooted in developmental trauma — it gets passed down through families and is a signal that healing and support are needed, not shame. Resources Mentioned 📖 Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft — A foundational book on the mindset of abusive and controlling people. Referenced in this episode for Bancroft's research on how abusive individuals hold a distorted, entitlement-based view of the world. Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#38 How to Deal with Raising Conscious Sons and Daughters in an Anxious and Chaotic World | With Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Columbia-trained clinical psychologist and multiple NYT bestselling author, joins Eli to discuss her groundbreaking new companion books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters. Together they unpack the unique, gender-specific wounds our children carry — and what conscious parents can do to protect and restore their children's authentic selves. Key Takeaways Boys can only become empathic and vulnerable when they are first allowed to accept their own imperfections — teaching "limitlessness" is actually a disservice. The father wound is often invisible: a father can be physically present but emotionally sealed off, and boys feel that absence in their bodies. Mothers who over-function out of anxiety unintentionally send their sons the message that they are not trusted or capable — step back and allow wide spaces for exploration. The 7 Pillars for Conscious Sons: Regulation, Competence, Vulnerability, Sovereignty, Sexuality and Power, Belonging, and Conscious Masculinity. The 7 Pillars for Conscious Daughters: Voice, Embodiment, Enoughness, Anti-Fragility, Boundaries, Self-Authorship, and Sisterhood. Appropriate developmental exposure is itself a form of protection — gradually increasing challenges builds resilience. Toxic femininity — self-abandonment, poor boundaries, passivity — is just as real as toxic masculinity, and daughters need to be taught the difference between authentic femininity and its distorted form. Parentified daughters — praised for being "mature" — are actually losing their sense of self long before their nervous systems are ready. Connection is the most powerful form of protection we can give our children (Eli Harwood). About the Guest Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a Columbia-trained clinical psychologist, founder of the Conscious Parenting movement, and multiple New York Times bestselling author whose work has been called "revolutionary" by Oprah Winfrey. Her new companion books, Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters, release September 15, 2026. 🌐 Website: https://www.drshefali.com/about/ 📚 Parenting Summit (September 8–10, 2026; check current access): https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/summit/ 🎤 Book Tour Info: https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/tour/ Resources Mentioned Dr. Shefali's New Books 📖 Raising Conscious Sons — Official book page 📖 Raising Conscious Daughters — Official book page 📖 Dr. Shefali's full book catalog: https://www.drshefali.com/books/ Eli's Book 📖 Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood — Amazon | Publisher (Penguin Random House) Research & Studies Referenced 🔬 Alleged Meta/Facebook deleted-selfie ad targeting discussed in the interview — Allegations from former Facebook policy director Sarah Wynn-Williams, reported by Futurism and covered by Yahoo Tech 🔬 Brené Brown's research on vulnerability — Daring Greatly on Amazon | Brené Brown's TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability" Organizations Mentioned 🤝 Big Brothers Big Sisters of America — https://www.bbbs.org 🏋️ Boys & Girls Club of America — https://www.bgca.org 🏊 YMCA (The Y) — https://www.ymca.org Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#37 How to Feel Worthy | With Dr. Marisa G. Franco

What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes from, why it gets stuck, and how you can actually change it. From memory reconsolidation and inner child healing to attunement, identity, and the power of community, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone breaking generational cycles. Key Takeaways • Worthiness = treating your internal world as if it matters. It's not about feeling superior — it's about validating your feelings and using them as information. • There are two types of high self-esteem. One comes at others' expense (grandiosity). The other — "Type C" — is compassionate, connected, and the kind worth building. • Memories are the database of self-esteem. They don't just record the past — they predict the future. That's why compliments feel threatening and success feels suspicious when we feel unworthy. • You can change the past — at the neural level. Memory reconsolidation research shows that revisiting painful memories and picturing a different outcome literally changes how those memories live in your brain, including in the hippocampus. • Stigma shows up as self-surveillance. People from marginalized groups often begin to see themselves through the negative lens of others — and the antidote is curating community and media that reflect more positive, affirming identities. • Attunement is the master skill. Listening deeply to yourself, your children, and your relationships — and allowing multiple realities to coexist — is the foundation of both worthiness and connection. • You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy. Worth is inherent. Self-worth is the felt sense of it — and that can be developed, no matter where you're starting from. About the Guest Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, TED speaker, and NYT bestselling author. Her new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment explores the cutting-edge science of memory, stigma, and identity to help readers build lasting self-worth from the inside out. She is also the author of the instant NYT bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends. • 🌐 Website: drmarisagfranco.com: https://drmarisagfranco.com • 📸 Instagram: @drmarisagfranco: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/ • 📬 Substack: Attached by Dr. Marisa G. Franco: https://drmarisagfranco.substack.com/ Resources Mentioned • 📘 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Dr. Marisa G. Franco ◦ Publisher (Penguin Random House): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/ ◦ Amazon (Audiobook): https://www.amazon.com/Worth-Science-Self-Esteem-Secure-Attachment/dp/B0GGNPKM6S • 📘 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Platonic-Science-Attachment-Make-Keep-Friends/dp/0593331893 • 📘 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (referenced in discussion of stigma and self-perception) ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Novel-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0375507914 • 📘 Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake (referenced in discussion of humans as ecologies, not individuals) ◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Entangled-Life-Fungi-Worlds-Futures/dp/0525510311 • 🔬 Memory Reconsolidation Research (the neuroscience of updating emotional memories) ◦ Springer: How Memory Reconsolidation Advances Psychotherapy: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z ◦ NIH: Reconsolidation Therapies for PTSD (Systematic Review): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8417130/ Connect Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: • Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ • TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#36 How to Deal with The Mental Load | With Eve Rodsky

Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load. From the blueberries text that changed everything to a card system now translated into 27 languages, Eve shares why fairness in the home isn't just a relationship issue — it's a systemic one. This is a must-listen for anyone who has ever thought, "Why am I the only one who notices what needs to be done?" Key Takeaways The mental load gap is not personal — it's structural. Women shoulder two-thirds or more of unpaid domestic labor, and even the best-intentioned partners do 5–15 hours less per week once kids arrive. Over-functioning is a symptom of broken accountability and trust, not a personality flaw. The CPE model (Conception → Planning → Execution) explains why "going to the store" is only one-third of the work — and why standards aren't "too high" when you own the full task. Toxic time messages ("I should just do it myself," "I don't have bandwidth to teach him") keep women stuck in the cycle. The Fair Play system works for neurodivergent families too — because it's a system, not a reliance on internal motivation. The magic of parenting lives in the mundane moments. Sharing the load invites your partner into those moments — it's a gift, not a punishment. Fairness requires fighting — against cultural norms, school systems, extended family patterns, and the pay gap. Becoming a "cultural warrior" together is the goal. About the Guest Eve Rodsky is a Harvard-trained lawyer, organizational management expert, and NYT bestselling author of Fair Play. After sobbing on the side of the road over a text from her husband about blueberries, she spent 15 years researching the gendered division of labor across 27+ countries. Her work has evolved into a full movement, a nonprofit policy institute, and a card deck used by couples worldwide. 🌐 Website: https://www.everodsky.com 📘 Fair Play Life: https://www.fairplaylife.com 📸 Instagram (Eve): https://www.instagram.com/everodsky/ 📸 Instagram (Fair Play): https://www.instagram.com/fairplaylife/ 🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute: https://fairplaypolicy.org Resources Mentioned 📖 Fair Play (book) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon 🃏 The Fair Play Deck (card deck) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon | Penguin Random House 🆓 Free Fair Play Resources (nonprofit downloads) — https://www.fairplaylife.com 🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute (systemic advocacy work) — https://fairplaypolicy.org 🎓 Darby Saxbe, PhD — USC Professor of Psychology, Fair Play research collaborator — USC Profile 📊 USC/Fair Play Policy Institute Study (2024): The Fair Play Method: Can We Solve for the Unequal Division of Domestic Labor? — Read the research 👩‍⚕️ Tovah Klein, PhD — Director, Barnard College Center for Toddler Development (quoted: "all bonding comes in the spaces in between") — Barnard Profile 🎬 Fair Play Documentary (dir. Jennifer Siebel Newsom, Hello Sunshine) — https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentary Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#35 How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity | With Dr. Sasha Hamdin

Eli sits down with board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD specialist Dr. Sasha Hamdani to unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Together they explore the neuroscience behind why some of us feel rejection so intensely — and why that sensitivity might actually be a gift. Dr. Hamdani also shares personal stories and practical tools from her upcoming book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply. Key Takeaways RSD is not a personality flaw — it's a neurological response rooted in how your brain is wired, involving amygdala hyperactivity, dopamine dysregulation, and weaker prefrontal override. Sensitivity has roots in multiple places: genetics, attachment history, identity-based rejection (racism, homophobia, misogyny), and hormonal fluctuations all play a role. Emotional sensitivity ≠ weakness. When paired with the right tools, it becomes emotional intelligence — a true superpower in relationships and caregiving. Your body tells you what you're feeling before your brain catches up. Learning where RSD lands in your body (chest, stomach, head) is the critical first step. Movement is a powerful acute tool for interrupting RSD spirals — it pushes oxygenated glucose to the frontal lobe to help override the emotional response. Attachment styles shape how we cope with RSD: some people cling, some flee — both are adaptations, not character defects. Making more noise about RSD matters — it's not yet a formal DSM diagnosis, but clinical advocates like Dr. Hamdani are working to change that. About the Guest Dr. Sasha Hamdani, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and ADHD clinical expert specializing in RSD and emotional regulation. She reaches over 2 million followers across social media with evidence-backed mental health content, and has been recognized by Harvard as a public health leader. She is the creator of the FocusGenie ADHD management app and the author of Self-Care for People with ADHD (2023). Her groundbreaking new book, Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply, publishes August 25, 2026. 🌐 Website: drhamdanimd.com 📸 Instagram: @thepsychdoctormd 🎵 TikTok: @thepsychdoctormd ▶️ YouTube: @thepsychdoctormd Resources Mentioned 📖 Too Sensitive: Rejection, Resilience, and the Science of Feeling Deeply by Dr. Sasha Hamdani MD — Pre-order on Amazon (Pub. August 25, 2026) 📱 FocusGenie App — Dr. Hamdani's ADHD management app (the first created by a board-certified psychiatrist) 🧠 What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? — Cleveland Clinic — Overview of RSD, its link to ADHD, and what's happening in the brain 📄 RSD & ADHD Emotional Dysregulation — ADDitude Magazine — Deep dive into RSD as a symptom of ADHD 🏥 Dr. Hamdani's Practice — Book an appointment or learn more Connect Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#34 Teaching Kids Self-Trust in a Manipulative World | With Dr Naaila Chagani

In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else. Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection. Key Takeaways Heart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too. Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel. Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal. Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood. The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly. Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them. The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential. Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old. Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after. About the Guest Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work. 🌐 Website: parenting-mindfully.com 📘 Book: Seeds of Self-Trust — 25 read-aloud stories for ages 4–8 (also deeply resonant for adults) 📺 YouTube: Parenting Mindfully with Dr. Naaila Hudani 📸 Instagram: @drnaaila_parentingmindfully Resources Mentioned 📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics 🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu 👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile 📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon 🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program 📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — Amazon Connect with Eli 🌐 Website: attachmentnerd.com 📸 Instagram: @attachmentnerd 🎵 TikTok: @attachmentnerd Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#33 Nerd Notes | Co-Regulating with Our Neurodivergent Children

In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (the Attachment Nerd) unpacks one of the most misunderstood intersections in modern parenting: raising a neurodivergent child while trying to break generational cycles. With personal stories from parenting her own AuDHD daughter, Eli walks through the full sensory landscape — including the three "hidden" senses — and explains how to adapt secure attachment practices to meet your neurodiverse child where they actually are. Key Takeaways Neurodivergent kids experience the world through a different sensory prism — not just the classic 5 senses, but also neuroception, interoception, and proprioception. Understanding which senses your child is over- or under-sensitive to changes everything about how you approach their meltdowns. Empathy that works for neurotypical kids can amplify distress in neurodivergent kids. When a neurodivergent child is already flooded across multiple sensory systems, offering big gooey empathy can escalate — not soothe — their dysregulation. Accommodation is not permissive parenting. Adjusting your child's environment to match their nervous system's needs is scaffolding, not weakness. The goal is gradual growth at the stage they can handle it. Believe them. If your child says the lights are too bright, the smell is too strong, or the touch is too much — believe them. Their nervous system is telling the truth, even if it doesn't match your experience. Community is a survival tool. Parenting a neurodivergent child requires more regulation, more support, and more stamina than neurotypical parenting — and you cannot generate that alone. Secure attachment with a neurodivergent child looks different. A child running to their cozy corner instead of into your arms is not rejecting you — it's their nervous system seeking the regulation it needs. Your job is to follow slowly and ask what they need. Resources Mentioned 🔗 Big Little Feelings (Kristin Gallant) — "Believe them" — https://biglittlefeelings.com 🔗 AuDHD: Understanding Autism + ADHD Co-Occurrence — Child Mind Institute explainer: https://childmind.org/article/what-is-audhd/ 🔗 Interoception & Sensory Processing Challenges — Understood.org: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/interoception-and-sensory-processing-challenges 🔗 The 8 Senses Explained for Neurodivergent Kids — Neurodivergent Insights: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/8-senses/ 🔗 Weighted Stuffed Animals for Autism & Sensory Regulation — Autism Parenting Magazine: https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-and-stuffed-animals/ 🔗 Secure Parenting Program (includes monthly Neurodivergent Support Group): https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#32 How to Deal with a Spicy One | With Mary Van Geffen

Episode Summary Eli sits down with international parenting coach and author Mary Van Geffen to talk about raising "spicy ones" — those intense, strong-willed, wonderfully complex children who need more than most parenting books can offer. Together they unpack what it means to be the parent of a spicy child, how our own childhood wounds get triggered by these kids, and what it actually looks like in the messy, real moments to stay regulated and connected. Key Takeaways A "spicy one" is a child who is more loyal to their own soul than to your adult agenda — and that's actually a gift, not a defect. Our spicy, strong-willed children are heat-seeking hovercrafts for whatever is unhealed inside of us. You cannot regulate a threat — if your nervous system reads your child as danger, you must build your own capacity first. During a violent meltdown: be the calmest person in the room, use your body not your words, and create a physically safe environment. Playfulness — not threats, not logic — is often the fastest route back from the edge of dysregulation. Your child's emotional intensity is not premeditated aggression; it is an "emotional seizure" they are also helpless to. Stop making your spicy child "digestible" to others. Your job is to make them feel unconditionally and wholly loved. Accepting how your child connects (not how you wish they would) is one of the most loving things you can do. We need to live in hope, not fear, with our spicy ones — the script we write for them shapes their future. The qualities we find hardest to manage in our children are often the very things we were shamed for in ourselves. About the Guest Mary Van Geffen is an international parenting coach for Moms of Spicy Ones® and a Spicy One herself. She is a certified Simplicity Parenting Counselor® and Professional Co-Active Coach® who has transformed the lives of over 8,000 families through her group coaching and on-demand digital courses. Her new book, Parenting a Spicy One, is a compassionate guide for raising deep-feeling, wonderfully strong-willed kids. 🌐 Website: https://www.maryvangeffen.com 📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen 📖 Book Page: https://www.maryvangeffen.com/parentingaspicyonebook Resources Mentioned Books 📗 Parenting a Spicy One by Mary Van Geffen — Amazon | Author's Site 📘 Parenting by Connection (booklet series) by Patty Wipfler / Hand in Hand Parenting — Amazon 📙 Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler — Amazon 📕 Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke (mentioned in passing) — Amazon 📗 Vera Wong's Unsolicited Advice for Murderers by Jesse Q. Sutanto (mentioned in passing) — Amazon Research 🧠 Maternal Brain Changes & the Amygdala (referenced in discussion of sensory changes in motherhood) — The Maternal Brain and Its Plasticity in Humans – PMC Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#31 How To Use Play To Set Limits and Boundaries | With Dr. Kim Van Dusen

How to Deal with Parenting Through Play | Dr. Kim Van Dusen Episode Summary What if the secret to fewer tantrums, less mealtime drama, and a deeper connection with your kids wasn't stricter rules — but more play? In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, licensed marriage and family therapist and registered play therapist known as The Parentologist, to talk about how to weave playfulness into the everyday moments of parenting — even if you don't think you have a playful bone in your body. From gamifying chores to helping traumatized children feel safe, Dr. Kim shows us that play is the universal language of childhood, and learning to speak it changes everything. Key Takeaways You don't have to sit on the floor for 30 minutes to be a playful parent. Dr. Kim calls them "playful pockets of time" — small, creative moments woven throughout the day (swapping a fork for tongs, cutting a sandwich into a fun shape) that shift the entire energy of parenting. Gamifying works. From racing to make the bed to "freeze clean" during chores, turning tasks into games eliminates power struggles and gets the job done — without the drama. Play is the language of children, especially those who have experienced trauma. When kids can't (or won't) speak about their pain, drawing, playing, and creating tells the story instead — and your job is to listen to the play. Safety and trust come before play with kids from hard places. If a child doesn't feel safe, they won't connect — and connection must come before cooperation. Picky eating is a sensory experience. Research shows it can take up to 8–24 exposures before a child accepts a new food. Changing the texture, presentation, or even the serving vessel (hello, dump truck plate!) is exposure therapy in disguise. Outcomes vs. Consequences: Dr. Kim prefers the word "outcomes" because it removes the punitive connotation. Natural outcomes, do-overs, and choice-giving are more effective — and less stressful — than punishment. Structure is nurture's best friend. Playfulness and limits work together. Kids need both deep connection AND predictable boundaries to feel truly secure. About the Guest Dr. Kim Van Dusen, PsyD, LMFT, RPT — known as The Parentologist — is a licensed marriage and family therapist, registered play therapist, university professor, and mom of two based in Southern California. With nearly 25 years of experience, she helps parents transform their relationships with their children by learning to speak the universal language of play. She is the author of Parenting Through Play and hosts The Parentologist Podcast. 🌐 Website: theparentologist.com 📸 Instagram: @theparentologist 🎙️ Podcast: The Parentologist Podcast 📕 Book: Parenting Through Play on Amazon Resources Mentioned 📕 Parenting Through Play by Dr. Kim Van Dusen (Amazon) — Dr. Kim's new book covering playful pockets of time, gamification, do-overs, outcomes, sensory food strategies, and more. Available in paperback and audiobook (narrated by Dr. Kim herself). 🔬 Food Exposure Research — ASHA Leader: How Many Exposures for Selective Eaters? — Research showing it takes 8–15+ exposures before a child accepts a new food. 🔬 Repeated Exposure to Food & Food Acceptability — NIH/NCBI Systematic Review — The peer-reviewed evidence base behind the food exposure approach Dr. Kim references. 🔬 Child-Centered Play Therapy for Trauma — PMC Systematic Review — Research on play therapy effectiveness for children who have experienced traumatic events. 🏡 Secure Parenting Program — Attachment Nerd Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#30 How to Deal with Feeling | With Dr. Marc Brackett

Episode Summary Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Marc Brackett — founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and bestselling author — to tackle one of modern parenting's biggest challenges: how do we raise emotionally intelligent kids when most of us never received an emotion education ourselves? Marc shares the science behind his RULER framework, why "there is no such thing as a bad emotion," and the practical strategies every parent needs to start using today. Key Takeaways Accumulate emotion knowledge first. None of us got an "emotion education" growing up — reading research-backed books and resources is step one. There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Giving your child permission to feel — including anxiety, anger, and sadness — is a radical and necessary first step. Your go-to regulation strategies may not work for your child. Think of your role as setting a buffet of options, not telling your child what to eat. Emotional granularity matters. The difference between "frustrated" and "disappointed" isn't semantic — naming the exact emotion helps regulate it. 90% of negative self-talk was caught from other people. Gaslighting from caregivers in childhood becomes our inner critic as adults. Your emotion regulation budget includes sleep, nutrition, and movement. Nine times out of ten, when a parent can't meet their own goals, poor sleep is the barrier. Co-regulation requires non-judgment. What our kids are begging for, above all else, is a parent who won't judge them in the middle of big feelings. Emotional intelligence is a lifelong practice — not something you master. Every day is a new opportunity. About the Guest Dr. Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. He is the author of the USA Today bestselling book Dealing with Feeling and the internationally bestselling Permission to Feel (translated into 27 languages). Marc is the lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based social-emotional learning framework adopted by over 5,000 schools worldwide. He also co-created the free How We Feel app with Pinterest co-founder Ben Silbermann. 🌐 Website: marcbrackett.com Resources Mentioned Books 📘 Dealing with Feeling by Marc Brackett — Marc's newest book on practical emotion regulation strategies 📗 Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett — Marc's landmark bestseller on emotional intelligence 📙 Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck — Referenced in the conversation re: growth mindset and parenting Tools & Apps 📱 How We Feel App — Marc's free, science-based emotion-tracking and regulation app (iOS & Android) 🎴 The Point of Connection Game — Marc's conversation card deck for building emotional connection with family and friends Frameworks & Research 🏫 RULER Approach — Marc's evidence-based SEL framework, adopted in 5,000+ schools worldwide 🔬 Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence — Marc's research home base ❤️ Harvard Study of Adult Development — The 85-year study on happiness referenced by Eli (close relationships = #1 predictor of wellbeing) Connect with Marc Brackett Website: marcbrackett.com Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#29 How to Deal When Your Kids Are at Odds with Each Other | With Dr. Laura Markham

Episode Summary In this deeply personal and research-backed conversation, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. Laura Markham — clinical psychologist, bestselling author, and founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — to tackle one of the most exhausting realities of family life: sibling conflict. Together they explore what the research actually says about why siblings fight, what parents can do about it (and what they shouldn't), and how to raise kids who will genuinely like each other as adults. Eli even shares a real, unfiltered story from her own family — complete with onesies, a parking lot scene, and a sticker — and asks Dr. Laura to coach her through it live. Key Takeaways The #1 predictor of sibling kindness is your relationship with each child. Research consistently shows the closer you are to each child individually, the less they fight with each other. Discipline style shapes sibling behavior. When parents use power and force to solve problems, kids mirror that with each other. When parents model calm problem-solving, kids learn to do the same. Inviolate one-on-one time matters more than grand gestures. A predictable, protected window of time with each child — even 20 minutes — gives kids the security to handle their siblings with more grace. Pushing and shoving under age 6 is developmentally normal — it doesn't mean your parenting is failing. The prefrontal cortex won't be fully developed until the mid-20s, and meaningful impulse control takes years to build. Positive interactions are the long game. Research shows that what adults remember about their sibling relationships is not the conflict — it's the fun they had together. Protect and prioritize play. Kids need scripts, not just correction. When you give children the actual words to say ("I was still using that — can I have it back?"), they learn to use them, often faster than you'd expect. Parent leadership reduces sibling rivalry. When parents step in to create systems and structures (like a calendar for mom nights), kids don't have to fight for position. Talking about neurodivergence with siblings requires validation, not minimizing. Acknowledge what's hard for each child without making either child responsible for managing the other's feelings. About the Guest Dr. Laura Markham is a clinical psychologist trained at Columbia University, bestselling author, and one of the most trusted voices in parenting today. She is the founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com — a free resource with over 1,000 pages of parenting guidance — and the author of three books translated into more than 27 languages. 🌐 Website: peacefulparenthappykids.com 📸 Instagram: @peacefulparenthappykids 📬 Free Newsletter: Sign up here Resources Mentioned 📗 Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page 📘 Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham Amazon | Publisher Page 📙 Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish Amazon 🏫 Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at TCU (Trust-Based Relational Intervention / TBRI) child.tcu.edu Dr. Karen Purvis coined the phrase "Families that play together, stay together" and developed TBRI, a research-based model for supporting children impacted by trauma. Connect Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

#28 How to Be Honest about Motherhood | With Libby Ward

Episode Summary Eli sits down with Libby Ward — writer, speaker, and author of Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself — for a deeply honest conversation about what it costs mothers when they sacrifice themselves completely. Together they explore the myth of selfless motherhood, the reality of generational trauma, and why radical honesty — with yourself first — is where real change begins. Key Takeaways You were never meant to do this alone. Human beings evolved in community, not nuclear family isolation. The loneliness of modern motherhood isn't a personal failing — it's a structural problem. Selflessness isn't the antidote to a selfish upbringing. Martyrdom doesn't protect your kids — it burdens them. Your children don't need a shell of you; they need you. Shame keeps us stuck. When we don't hear other mothers' real experiences, we assume we're the only ones struggling — and that shame makes it impossible to look honestly at what's actually happening. Generational trauma gets passed down until someone is ready to feel it. That someone might be you — and that is a gift, not a curse. Radical honesty starts with yourself, not the internet. Getting honest about your actual life — your nervous system, your capacity, your support system — is what gives you the freedom to make choices that actually fit your reality. Going no contact isn't the only option, and it isn't permanent. Separation can be a necessary step to find yourself before you can figure out what a relationship actually looks like. People-pleasing is an addiction. And like any addiction, recovery starts with honesty and the belief that you are worthy of reciprocal relationships. Your kids need you to be a whole person, not a perfect one. Modeling what it looks like to prioritize yourself teaches your children how they deserve to be treated in their own relationships. About the Guest Libby Ward is a writer, speaker, and advocate redefining the motherhood narrative. Known for her honesty, humor, and relatable voice, Libby reaches millions of women each week through her social media platforms. She has been featured on the BBC, Good Morning America, and is a member of Reese Witherspoon's inaugural Hello Sunshine Collective. Her debut memoir, Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself, is out now. 🌐 Website: libbyward.com 📸 Instagram: @libbyward 🎵 TikTok: @libbywardofficial Resources Mentioned 📖 Honest Motherhood: On Losing My Mind and Finding Myself by Libby Ward Amazon (Hardcover) Amazon (Audiobook — read by Libby herself!) Publisher Page (Penguin Random House) Libby's own book page 💬 "Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it" — a widely-shared quote on intergenerational trauma, attributed to therapist Stephi Wagner and popularized in the cycle-breaking community. 🔄 Alcoholics Anonymous / Radical Honesty — The principle of radical honesty as the starting point for recovery, referenced from AA tradition. Learn more at aa.org. Ready to Go Deeper? If this conversation resonated with you and you're ready to break your own cycles and show up more securely for your kids, check out Eli's Secure Parenting Program — a therapist-led, pay-what-you-can program grounded in 70+ years of attachment research. 👉 Join the Secure Parenting Program Connect with Eli: Website: attachmentnerd.com Instagram: @attachmentnerd TikTok: @attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: goldchildmusic.com

#27 Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years | With Eli Weinstein

Episode Summary Therapist, author, and host of The Dude Therapist podcast Eli Weinstein, LCSW joins the show to talk about one of the hardest (and least talked about) relationship challenges: staying connected to your partner while you're deep in the trenches of parenthood. Eli brings his signature no-BS warmth and humor to share real, actionable tools — including the "First On Scene" rule, the Huddle tactic, and how to tackle the invisible mental load — all drawn from his new book From I Do to We Do. Key Takeaways Take a pause before you take it out on your partner. When you're dysregulated in a parenting moment, step away for 2–5 minutes before engaging. Your kids will still be screaming — but your brain will be in a better place. The "First On Scene" rule. Whoever arrives first to handle a situation becomes the lead. Their way goes — as long as it's not dangerous. This eliminates power struggles and toe-stepping between partners. Make the mental load visible. Write down everything on your mental plate, sit with your partner, and ask (not demand): "Is there anything on this list you can take?" Let go enough to actually hand it over. Anticipation is the secret sauce. The partner NOT holding the mental load should proactively look ahead and ask, "What can I take off your plate this week?" — before being asked. Microdose your relationship with sweetness. Small daily rituals — a special phrase at bedtime, a little physical affection, a note — are the glue that holds couples together during chaos. It's us vs. the chaos, not us vs. each other. Use Eli's "Huddle" technique: check in on each other's energy, divide the game plan, and face the problem as a united front — not as opponents. Play to your strengths. Divide household labor based on what actually works for each person's brain, preferences, and neuroses — not rigid gender roles. About the Guest Eli Weinstein, LCSW is a licensed clinical therapist, international speaker, and host of The Dude Therapist podcast. His debut book, From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years (Wiley/Jossey-Bass, 2026), is the guide he wishes he had when he became a dad — covering everything from the mental load to conflict resolution to keeping intimacy alive. He's appeared on The Kelly Clarkson Show and been featured in Psychology Today and across 300+ podcasts. 🌐 Website: https://www.eliweinsteinlcsw.com/ 📖 Book: From I Do to We Do on Amazon 🎙️ Podcast: The Dude Therapist on Apple Podcasts 📸 Instagram: @eliweinstein_lcsw | @thedudetherapist Resources Mentioned 📖 From I Do to We Do by Eli Weinstein — His new book on navigating marriage through the parenting years 📖 Fair Play by Eve Rodsky — The landmark book on the invisible mental load and how to redistribute it fairly 📖 Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin — The "couple bubble" concept referenced in the episode 🎬 Phil Stutz's "Active Love" tool — The concept Eli references for pushing love toward your partner in a difficult moment (also see the Netflix documentary Stutz) 📖 The Tools by Phil Stutz & Barry Michels — The book behind the Active Love concept Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#26 How to Deal with Sex Talks | With Kimberly Wolf

Episode Summary In this episode, Eli sits down with sex educator and Harvard-trained expert Kimberly Wolf to tackle one of the most anxiety-producing topics in parenting: talking to your kids about sex, bodies, and healthy relationships. Kimberly brings a practical, shame-free, and deeply reassuring framework for parents at every stage — from toddlers to teens — with one clear message: you don't have to have all the answers. You just have to show up. Key Takeaways Start with safety and practicality. Framing sex education around safety takes the emotional charge out of it — for parents and kids. Even a 4-year-old can understand, "Nobody touches your body without permission." These are ongoing conversations, not one big talk. Replace the idea of "the talk" with a lifelong, open dialogue. Small moments build the foundation for big ones. You don't need all the answers. Saying "That's a great question — let me find out" signals to your child that you can handle this topic, and that they can come to you. Parents are more influential than the media — but only if they show up. Research consistently shows parents outrank peers and media in influencing teen decisions about sex, but only when they actively engage. Pornography is shaping kids' understanding of intimacy. It normalizes harmful power dynamics and reaches kids through mainstream media, not just explicit sites. Media literacy is a must. Teach what love feels like. Help kids build an internal compass for healthy relationships — safety, respect, and being heard — so they can recognize when something feels off. Time-binding awkward conversations is a pro communication tool. Saying "I need one minute — bear with me" is a real-world skill your child will use in their own relationships someday. If you feel like a loser with your teenager, you're probably winning. They hear you, even when they don't show it. About the Guest Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed. is a leading sex educator, speaker, curricular consultant, and parenting strategist. She holds an undergraduate degree in gender studies from Brown University and a master's in human development and psychology from the Harvard Graduate School of Education. She teaches in schools across the country, offers online courses for parents, and provides private coaching. She is also the author of Talk with Her: A Dad's Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters. 🎟️ Listener Discount: Use code SECURE at checkout on Kimberly's website for a discount on her courses. 🌐 Website: kimberlywolf.com 📸 Instagram: @itskimberlywolf 📖 Book: Talk with Her on Amazon 🏫 Courses & Resources: kimberlywolf.com/courses Resources Mentioned 📚 Talk with Her by Kimberly Wolf — A dad's essential guide to raising healthy, confident, and capable daughters 🌐 Kimberly Wolf's Online Courses & Resources — Online courses for parents and school programs for teens 🔬 Research: Parents' Influence on Teen Sexual Decision-Making — Research summary on how parental communication outweighs media influence 🔬 Research: Impact of Internet Pornography on Children and Adolescents (ScienceDirect) — Systematic review on how pornography shapes adolescent attitudes and behavior 🔬 American Academy of Pediatrics: Teens and Pornography — AAP guidance on the emotional and relational impact of pornography on teens Connect with Eli & the Show Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#25 How to Deal with Feeling Disconnected from Your Sweetheart | With Morgan Burch

Episode Summary Relationship coach Morgan Burch joins Eli to unpack one of the most common — and most painful — dynamics in modern partnerships: the moment you need your partner most is exactly when neither of you has anything left to give. Together, they explore the "hero child" wound, why co-regulation matters more than date nights, and practical tools like the Mirror Game and the DIC Talk that can transform conflict into genuine connection. Key Takeaways The Parenthood Paradox: Both partners have less to give at the exact moment they long for more from each other — recognizing this cycle is the first step to breaking it. Microdosing Connection: You don't need a weekend away. Fifteen minutes on the couch with no phones can rebuild safety, trust, and closeness faster than any grand gesture. Co-regulation requires self-regulation first: When you feel the urge to blame your partner, that's a signal you're overwhelmed — regulate yourself before attempting to reconnect. The Hero Child wound: If you grew up parentified or as the "fixer," your nervous system learned that doing more = being loved. Unlearning that pattern is the key to real intimacy. The Mirror Game: Reflective listening — hearing, naming, and validating your partner's feelings without fixing or advising — is one of the most healing things you can do in a relationship. The DIC Talk (Dream, Invitation, Collaborate): Instead of issuing demands or keeping score, share a vulnerable dream, invite your partner in, and build a solution together. Responsibility Dysmorphia: Taking on a distorted sense of responsibility is a childhood survival strategy — noticing it is the first step to releasing it. Seeing yourself clearly = seeing unsafe relationships clearly: When you practice self-acceptance and self-care, the gap between how you treat yourself and how an unsafe partner treats you becomes impossible to ignore. About the Guest Morgan Burch is a relationship coach and creator of The SEEN Method® — a framework built on the belief that beneath every conflict lies one of four things: something someone was scared of, embarrassed about, expecting, or a need that went unmet. She helps couples and individuals stop coping and start connecting, and has reached millions through her viral content and private coaching practice. 🌐 Website: https://morganburch.com/ 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/goodmorgantherapy/ ▶️ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@GoodMorganTherapy 💼 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/morgan-burch-747a8226/ Resources Mentioned The SEEN Method® — Morgan's signature framework for authentic connection 🎓 Free Relationship Masterclass: https://seenmethod.com/free-masterclass 📚 The SEEN Method eBook (13 Secrets to Break the Cycles that Break Your Heart): https://theseenmethod.com/ebook 🏫 8-Week SEEN Method Class (live, interactive, solo or with partner): https://morganburch.com/live-virtual-class-seen 💑 Couples Coaching with Morgan: https://morganburch.com/takeaction/ IFS (Internal Family Systems / Parts Work) — The therapeutic modality Morgan references for working with the "hero child" and inner parts Learn more: https://ifs-institute.com EMDR Therapy — Mentioned as a healing modality for those working through deeper relational or childhood trauma Learn more: https://www.emdria.org/about-emdr-therapy/ Attachment Theory & Co-Regulation — The research foundation underlying the tools discussed in this episode The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#24 How to Deal with Raising Secure Digital Citizens | With Jessical Joelle Alexander

Episode Summary In this episode, Eli sits down with Danish parenting expert and bestselling author Jessica Joelle Alexander to tackle one of the most pressing questions facing parents today: how do we raise kids who are safe, healthy, and confident in the digital world — without resorting to fear, shame, or oversimplification? Jessica shares the Danish philosophy behind her work, the story of how she created the Raising Digital Citizens conversation cards, and why connection — not restriction — is the real key to protecting our kids online. Key Takeaways The digital world is a real world. Kids experience belonging, friendship, and identity online just as they do in person. Dismissing that reality puts distance between you and your child. Giving a child a phone is like handing them car keys. Preparation, conversation, and a co-created agreement matter far more than the age at which you hand it over. Denmark's education system tests for trivsel (well-being/happiness) — not just academics — because if kids don't feel well, they can't learn well. This philosophy extends to digital life. The most dangerous place for a child online is to feel alone. When kids fear losing their phone or getting in trouble, they won't come to you. Building trust is the ultimate protection. Reframing is everything. Instead of only focusing on the risks of technology, help your kids build a positive digital storyline — creative projects, businesses, fundraisers, and skills are all born online. Fear-based parenting around screens creates the same risk as avoiding conversations about puberty or sex — it leaves kids under-equipped when they inevitably encounter hard situations. Our language trickles down to our kids. When parents shame screen use, kids weaponize it against each other (e.g., calling peers "iPad kids"). We can model nuance and empathy instead. In the age of AI, human skills matter more than ever — and the relationship between parent and child is the foundation of it all. About the Guest Jessica Joelle Alexander is a bestselling author, internationally recognized Danish parenting and education expert, cultural researcher, and co-founder of Raising Digital Citizens. Her book The Danish Way of Parenting has been published in over 35 countries and is one of the most widely sold parenting books in the world. She teaches at the University of Copenhagen and her work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC World News, TIME, The Wall Street Journal, and more. 🌐 Website: jessicajoellealexander.com 📸 Instagram: @jessicajoellealexander 💼 LinkedIn: Jessica Joelle Alexander Resources Mentioned 🃏 Raising Digital Citizens Conversation Cards — The toolkit Jessica created to help families have meaningful, age-appropriate conversations about digital life. Co-created with psychologists and rooted in Danish digital citizenship education. 👉 raisingdigitalcitizens.com 📖 The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander & Iben Dissing Sandahl — The global bestseller that unpacks the parenting philosophy behind why Denmark consistently ranks as one of the happiest countries on earth. 👉 Amazon | Penguin Random House 📖 The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt — The #1 New York Times bestseller examining the collapse of youth mental health in the smartphone era, mentioned in the context of the current fear-based conversation around kids and tech. 👉 Amazon 🏢 Common Sense Media — Nonprofit organization providing families and educators with trusted media ratings, digital citizenship curriculum, and research on kids and technology. Jessica attended a recent conference with them in Copenhagen. 👉 commonsensemedia.org 🎮 Ash Brandon (Gamer Educator) — Mentioned as a nuanced voice on the skills and benefits kids develop through gaming. Connect with Eli & the Show Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#23 Wired for Connection — 50 Years of Attachment Research with Dr. Alan Sroufe

Episode Summary In this episode, host Eli Harwood sits down with Dr. L. Alan Sroufe — Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota and lead researcher of the landmark Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation — to unpack over 50 years of groundbreaking research on how early relationships shape who we become. From the origins of secure attachment to the surprising durability of worldviews formed in childhood, this conversation is a masterclass in what actually matters in parenting — and what doesn't. Dr. Sroufe also shares details on his new book The Development and Organization of Meaning, co-authored with his wife, June Sroufe. Key Takeaways Secure attachment means confidence, not closeness. Dr. Sroufe redefines secure attachment as a child's confident belief that their caregiver will be there — not how physically close they are kept. The best predictor of empathy is having received empathic care. You can't tell your child to be empathic — you have to show them through your own responsiveness. Early experience matters enormously — but it is not destiny. The Minnesota Study showed that both continuity and change are possible. Protective factors at any stage of life can shift the developmental trajectory. Worldviews formed in infancy shape how children interpret ambiguous situations. Kids with secure histories tend to assume accidents were accidental and people are helpful; kids with insecure histories may assume hostility where none exists. Peer relationships are critical labs for learning conflict resolution. Children learn things in peer relationships they simply cannot learn from parents — because peers are equals. Resilience is a developmental achievement, not a trait. It is not something you're born with and it's not permanent — it is built through experience and relationships over time. "Good enough" parenting is real and validated by data. The Minnesota Study was surprised by how many children from poverty were securely attached — even with only modestly sensitive parenting. You don't need tricks. You need a mindset. Secure attachment is not a checklist of behaviors — it is a relational orientation of attunement and responsiveness. Your child will teach you what they need. Pay attention to their cues — even a baby turning their head away is communicating something real. All research is "me-search." Dr. Sroufe and Eli both reflect on how their own histories drew them to this work — and why that's a strength, not a weakness. About the Guest Dr. L. Alan Sroufe is Professor Emeritus of Child Psychology at the University of Minnesota Institute of Child Development and the lead researcher of the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation — one of the most important and longest-running prospective studies of human development ever conducted, now spanning over 50 years. He is the author of A Compelling Idea and co-author (with his wife June Sroufe) of the new book The Development and Organization of Meaning: How Individual Worldviews Develop in Relationships. 🔗 Connect with Dr. Sroufe on LinkedIn Resources Mentioned Books 📖 The Development and Organization of Meaning: How Individual Worldviews Develop in Relationships — L. Alan Sroufe & June Sroufe Cambridge University Press | Amazon 📖 A Compelling Idea: How We Become the Persons We Are — L. Alan Sroufe Amazon | Safer Society Press 📖 How to Deal with Your Beep So Your Kids Don't Have To — Eli Harwood (coming soon — sign up at attachmentnerd.com for updates) Research & Organizations 🔬 Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA) University of Minnesota Institute of Child Development 🔬 The Strange Situation (Mary Ainsworth) — The foundational attachment assessment procedure discussed throughout this episode Learn more 🏫 Dr. Robert Pianta's Teacher-Student Relationship Research & MyTeachingPartner Program (mentioned by Dr. Sroufe re: school-based secure base interventions) University of Virginia — Measures by Dr. Pianta 🌱 Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (TBRI®) — Texas Christian University (mentioned by Eli in reference to her AAI training) child.tcu.edu Connect with Eli 🌐 Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ 🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#22 The Art and Science of Playful Parenting | With Mia Wisinski

Episode Summary What if the secret to surviving modern parenting chaos was something you were already born knowing how to do — play? In this warm, funny, and genuinely useful conversation, Eli sits down with Mia Wisinski, founder of Playful Heart Parenting, to explore how playfulness isn't just a "nice to have" — it's one of the most powerful tools we have for co-regulating our kids, building secure attachment, and staying sane ourselves. From silly power reversal games to what to do when you're about to lose it, Mia and Eli swap real-life strategies, honest confessions about their own "demand ruts," and a live round of the jingle game that you'll want to try at home tonight. Key Takeaways Playfulness is innate — it just gets "weaned out" of us. Every parent has a playful side; life, culture, and stress just suppress it over time. The good news: it's still there, and your body will remember it when you re-enter playful contexts. Power reversal is the magic key. Letting your kids have the power — pretending to be the confused parent, the butler, the butt-dragged-around-the-room adult — gives kids a sense of autonomy and defuses tension faster than demands ever will. Play doesn't require a time block. The most effective playfulness is woven into ordinary moments: doing the voice of the laundry hamper, turning dish cleanup into a levitation trick, singing your way through a routine. You can be playful while doing what you're already doing. When you're triggered, pause and self-assess first. Before trying to flip into play mode, check in with yourself — most of the time the edge you're feeling has nothing to do with your kids. A little self-compassion ("of course you feel this way") creates the space to pivot. Singing activates the vagus nerve. When you sing instead of bark orders, you literally force a longer exhale and start to move yourself out of fight-or-flight — which makes play more accessible even on hard days. Play can also be a recovery tool. After a hard season or a tough stretch, a silly improv game together is one of the most effective ways to come back to each other and remember what connection feels like. Isolation makes playfulness harder. We were never meant to parent in isolation. If you're struggling to be playful, it might simply mean you need more community — friends, other parents, or even a social feed full of inspiration like Mia's. Kids remember the little silly moments. The random everyday bits of playfulness — like a mom who sings every time she takes her pill — become core memories for children. You don't have to engineer magic moments; just stay present and silly in the small ones. About the Guest Mia Wisinski is the founder of Playful Heart Parenting, which she started in 2023 after realizing playfulness was the missing piece in her own parenting. A theater educator, performer, and songwriter, Mia helps families use playfulness as a powerful tool for parent-child regulation and secure attachment — making it easy, sustainable, and genuinely fun for tired parents. 🌐 Website: playfulheartparenting.com 📸 Instagram: @playfulheartparenting Resources Mentioned 🎮 Tap Into Play App Bundle (Would You Rather, Plot Twist, You Are, Who Can Sound Like & more — 1,400+ unique prompts): playfulheartparenting.com/php-apps 📚 Activate Play Mode Course by Mia Wisinski: playfulheartparenting.com/about-activate-play-mode 📓 Uniquely Us: Mother–Daughter Journal by Eli Harwood (ages 8+): attachmentnerd.com/books/uniquely-us | Also on Amazon 🔗 Playful Heart Parenting — All Resources: playfulheartparenting.com Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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#21 How to Deal with Trauma Triggers as a Parent | Nerd Notes with Eli

Episode Summary In this solo episode, Eli Harwood (The Attachment Nerd) takes a compassionate dive into trauma — what it actually is, how it gets lodged in our bodies, and most importantly, how we begin to move through it. Eli breaks down the difference between a true trauma trigger and a new event, shares a deeply personal parenting story about her own trauma response, and offers practical, accessible tools for healing — including the concept of "glimmers" and the power of body awareness. Key Takeaways Trauma is personal. What feels traumatic to one person's nervous system may not to another's — and that's shaped by your wiring, lived history, and identity. Eli's working definition of trauma: Any experience that creates a significant threat to your physical safety, your social belonging, or your sense of dignity and identity. Trauma is more than the event. It's the event + your body's response + the narrative you build around both of those things. Triggers vs. new events: A trigger is your nervous system misreading the present as the past. A new event is genuinely difficult — and you're allowed to recognize that difference. Body memory is real. Your nervous system stores trauma as physical sensations — not just explicit memories — which is why healing requires body-based work, not just talking. The "red berry" metaphor: Your brain tries to protect you by pattern-matching past threats — but it can misfire on your toddler's tantrum the same way it would on a real danger. Healing practices matter. EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are two evidence-based modalities that work with the body to process trauma, not just the mind. Glimmers are your anchor. The concept coined by Deb Dana — small, grounding moments of safety — can be intentionally cultivated to help rewire your nervous system toward regulation. There is a safe grown-up in the room — and it's you. Looking at your hands, your age, your capabilities can help your body recognize you are no longer the child who was powerless. Every day is a new day to rewrite your story and choose how you respond. About Eli Harwood Eli Harwood (aka The Attachment Nerd) is a licensed therapist with 19+ years of clinical experience, USA TODAY bestselling author, and founder of the Secure Parenting Program. She is on a mission to help make the world a better place, one attachment relationship at a time. 🌐 Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ 🎵 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Resources Mentioned 📚 Books Eli's New Book — How to Deal with Your ___ So Your Kids Don't Have To: View on Amazon Eli Harwood — Raising Securely Attached Kids: View on Amazon Eli Harwood — Securely Attached (workbook): View on Amazon Deb Dana — The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (where "glimmers" was coined): View on Amazon 🧠 Therapy Modalities Find an EMDR Therapist (EMDRIA Directory): https://www.emdria.org/ Somatic Experiencing International (Find a Practitioner): https://traumahealing.org/ 💡 Concepts "Glimmers" — coined by Deb Dana, LCSW: Learn more at Rhythm of Regulation Learn More About Secure Parenting https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program Connect with Eli: Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd Music by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

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