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Conflict Owner's Manual

Dr. Deborah Sword, with co-host Tyson Bankert

When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better.

Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.

Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.

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S9 · E158
Tuesday · 7 min
How to keep a conflict going--or keep it from happening #158
Which would you rather practice, how to turn a disagreement into a dispute, or how to turn a conflict into a conversation? I show you how you can do either with the ordinary words you use. But, to be conflict competent, you will want these three tips for defusing a conflict before it gets hot and messy. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E157
October 11 · 6 min
How many people are in your 2-person conflict? #157
That conflict you have with one person doesn't stop with the two of you. Maybe you vent to a friend, or process your dilemma with a colleague, or withdraw while you worry about what to do. Even a one-person conflict you're having within yourself spills out. You talk about it with others, it affects your mood, and influences your behaviour. The conflict competency is understanding how your conflict ripples out from you to create waves. We live in systems that react like water moves when you plunge into it. And, like water, you can act so that it calms. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E156
October 4 · 6 min
The steps to prevent a conflict before it starts #156
Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a principle or giving in when you prevent a conflict. But, when you prevent a conflict, people can feel less tense around you, they don't make you the villain in their story. So, be the one to reach out, who tries to understand, and asks what you can do to repair a problem before it's a conflict. Relationship repair is easier the earlier it's done. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E155
September 27 · 7 min
Fix your conflicts by being your own conflict coach #155
Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach? Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to asking about yourself. How are you showing up in the conflict? Are you being the version of yourself in conflict that you want to be? What are the questions to ask yourself that will get you the quality of relationship you want to have? We discuss how we coach ourselves, as examples. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E154
September 21 · 5 min
Hidden conflict skills you don't know you have 154
Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them when you wind up in a conflict? I show you four conflict skills you already own, and then how to use them so your mind doesn’t go blank when you most need your conflict skills. When you own your conflict skills, you can change the conflict. I help you find the conflict skills you have. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E153
September 13 · 4 min
What you lose when you insist on winning the conflict 153
Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship? Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome you want. Doing conflict well is a process of using your conflict skills, staying curious and open minded. Getting the outcome you prefer means you've persuaded someone you're right or that they should do what you want. Doing conflict well, improves relationships. Getting the one outcome you want gets you the outcome you thought you wanted, even if a different outcome might have satisfied everyone better, including you. If you let go of pursuing the one outcome you want, you open more possibilities. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S9 · E152
September 7 · 7 min
Silence can be a smart thing to say in conflict #152
Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use silence to decline the invitation to fight and improve the quality of your relationship. Show notes TYPES OF SILENCE: https://covisioning.com/9-types-of-silence-and-the-impact-of-each-one/ IMPORTANCE OF SILENCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBj4Xzpi14U MEET JOE BLACK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqmms1pl6T0 A FEW GOOD MEN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYPD6TtFJqU BACK TO THE FUTURE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLL3VYEj0vk Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E151
August 30 · 5 min
Do your beliefs about conflict add fuel to the fight? #151
From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict. How old are your current beliefs about what conflict should be like? If you examine your beliefs about what conflict "should" be, you can decide which beliefs help you be conflict competent. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E150
August 23 · 6 min
Are you trying to argue someone out of their belief? Do this instead #150
What people believe is how they behave. If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs. Same belief. Same behaviour. Nothing changes, but the arguments can turn into a power struggle that frustrates everyone. If that person is a gatekeeper, that is, someone whose decisions and rules affect you, then you want the gatekeeper to listen to you. Here's a way to be heard, and understood. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E149
August 17 · 8 min
How you fight vs. how often: which matters more? 149
Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relationship? We show the difference between no conflict because the relationship is fine, and no conflict because you aren't communicating about what's important. We discuss what to do after you know which is getting in the way of improving your relationships. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E148
August 10 · 8 min
If your conflict OS is outdated, so are your conflicts #148
Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts. When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better? What if you got better at managing the conflicts you have? Becoming better at conflict is possible, and you do it with your own brain's operating system update. Your general beliefs about conflict can get out of date, and if you still follow them, you repeat the same exhausting, failing conflict pattern. I help you apply the insights to your conflict skill building. You'll improve the quality of your relationships. show notes: Queensbury rules of fair play in boxing https://www.qrulesboxing.com/history,University of Chicago principles for fairness in free speech https://freeexpression.uchicago.edu/ Iowa model to give fair feedback on creative writing https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/subject_specific_writing/creative_writing/teachers/workshop_creative_writing_guide/the_iowa_model.html Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E147
August 2 · 8 min
What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147
Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better. Here's how you can use that information to increase your conflict competence, and improve the quality of your relationships. And, for fun, we added an end clip of Tyson and Deborah before recording the episode discussing how they'll talk about the topic. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E146
July 27 · 7 min
Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146
We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show up for others, and improve the quality of your relationships. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E145
July 19 · 10 min
Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145
Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict? We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we tend to take sides, and become advocates for one of the opinions. But, when we take a side, we become emotionally involved and conflict skills can desert us. We admit to being advocates for everyone to be more conflict competent. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E144
July 12 · 4 min
When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144
Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you may also achieve your goal but in a different way. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E143
July 5 · 4 min
Three questions when someone disappoints you 143
If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reasonable; what are you asking the other person to do or change; what do you agree on? When you and the other person understand each other, whether you agree or not, you create more than you have alone. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E142
June 28 · 6 min
Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142
Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships. Show notes: Episode 118: When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muXjimrv2mU&t=37s Episode 125: Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0k1JF8TB4g&t=2s Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S8 · E141
June 21 · 5 min
Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141
There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other. Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S7 · E140
June 14 · 6 min
The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140
You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships. The hidden bonus is that you can use conflict competencies anywhere, which incidentally improves the quality of your life. What are those skills we call conflict competencies? Here's a partial conflict competence checklist, and there are more you can find in prior episodes. show notes: Partial list (in no particular order) of conflict competencies we’ve posted episodes about, include: mindset, clear communication, perspective taking, showing curiosity, reframing, staying nondefensive. not jumping to conclusions, testing your assumptions, being aware of how your biases and your blind spots (we all have them) affect you, recognizing the patterns that keep you stuck in conflict, asking questions, not rushing to solve problems before you know the right problem to solve. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.
S7 · E139
June 7 · 4 min
How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139
Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because they're helping you improve your conflict skills. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank you for listening.

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