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372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they're pretty sure they're going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!

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  • 28 episodes
  • fortnightly
  • Avg 1 hr 32 min
  • English

Episodes 28

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  • Today · 2 hr 11 min

    372 Pages #216 – Ep 5 Remain – Beef.

    Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early and access to the complete 280 Mysteries archive! patreon.com/372pages I’ll start with a Spoiler Alert: Wren is a ghost. Further Spoiler Alert: she remains a ghost. Prediction. Reece is a ghost. So is Louise. And Oscar is the killer. And so is Nash. Also, Griffin is clearly NOT the killer because he does drugs. And Dax is not the killer because he is a window peeper. Anyway, SO many twists coming. SO little time left for twists. SO little performance from Mike on Real or Fanfic… Reading Assignment: Please read all the way through Chapter 23. Thank you.

  • Thursday · 57 min

    280 Mysteries – Ep 53 – The Case of the Supermarket Shopper w/ Austin Tichenor

    Like 280 Mysteries? There’s a whole bunch of unreleased episodes on our Patreon! patreon.com/372pages Mike is joined by Reduced Shakespeare Company and Goodman Theater super-actor Austin Tichenor to match wits against Idaville’s most famous boy detective and share his surprising Donald J Sobol backstory! Check out Reduced Shakespeare Company shows And Austin’s children’s book Daisy the Littlest Zombie

  • October 16 · 1 hr 51 min

    372 Pages #215 – Ep 4 Remain – Wow.

    Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early, 280 Mysteries episodes, and everything else we don’t release on the main feed! https://patreon.com/372pages Wren is a ghost, evidently. We guessed it on word two she narrated several episodes ago. If you wanted to parallel this with Night of the Crabs, much like that, there are only a few characters and three locations. In this there is the bed and breakfast (Cliff Davenport’s boarding house) , the location of Oscar and Lorena’s house (NotC’s beach) and the downtown (NotC’s Shell Island). And there were some characters, like in this. I think we’ve strongly made our case. And, much like Night of the Crabs, Mike’s total at Real or Fanfic is, well, not great. Anyway, ghosts scream, sandwiches are eaten, as are microwaved cuts of salmon. Wine is drunk (by both ghosts and mortals), games are played, and embezzlement schemes are revealed. ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 19

  • October 2 · 2 hr 11 min

    372 Pages #214 – Ep 3 Remain – Toast.

    Join the Jackals and support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early and stuff we don’t post anywhere else! https://patreon.com/372pages The shocking reveal about Wren? Yes, she is a Large Margian ghost, of course, but even more shocking she is a fan of jigsaw puzzles! This is the “toast for breakfast” of “liking games”! Mike and Conor dutifully read the book, go to the store, buy brown thread. Tape. Scissors. Munch some toast. Stop to talk to Ethel Lampier. Give her a twenty. Tell her to keep the change. Throw a pumpkin off a roof. Pull the small computer out their pockets. Scroll some news headlines. Oh! And Conor challenges Mike with some Real or Fanfic, and they read the Dumb Sentences of the Week. READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 16 Sparks & Shyamalan video interview

  • September 25 · 52 min

    280 Mysteries Ep 50 – With Stin of Chat Pile – The Case of the Fighter Kite

    Get access to the entire 280 Mysteries archive on our Patreon! patreon.com/372pages Mike is joined by Stin, the bass player for the acclaimed group Chat Pile, to help him solve a mystery meant for a 10-year-old! Check out Who Loves The Sun, out now and catch the band on tour near you! Plus, here’s Stin’s sweet Coily tattoo And the illustration from the episode

  • September 18 · 1 hr 40 min

    372 Pages #213 – Ep 2 Remain – Cats.

    Support the podcast on Patreon to hear exclusive stuff you won’t get anywhere else! This week we covered the Donald J. Sobel mystery with the dumbest solution we’ve heard so far! patreon.com/372pages Will the twist be that there is no twist? We don’t know, we just nibble our toast and do the best we can. THAT SAID, Mike does take on Real or Fanfic, and for the first time in a while we have time to read some mail! Reading Assignment: through chapter 13. And in case you didn’t believe us, the trailer for the movie. (Remember that movie where Casey Affleck ran around in a bedsheet? If I had to guess I’d say it’s like that only worse.)

  • August 28 · 1 hr 42 min

    372 Pages #212 – Remain Ep 1 – Someone Better See Dead People!

    Support the podcast on Patreon! New 280 Mysteries with a surprise guest coming next week! https://patreon.com/372pages A new book, with new authors (to us)! When more than one great artist gets together with another artist you get things like The Traveling Wilburys, Limp Bizkit & Raekwon, and Martin and Lewis. Such it is with this book, when mega-successful novelist Nicholas Sparks teams up with auteur superstar M. Night Shyamalan for our latest, Remain. Sure, Mike has to recalibrate his Real or Fanfic, but we do have Dumb Sentences of the Week to fall back on! Get the book here Please read through Chapter 9 for next time, thank you!

  • August 20 · 33 min

    372 Pages #211 – Book 39 reveal!

    Everyone on our Patreon has already been reading this book for a week! That’s a good thing, right? Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages Like Hydrox wafers and Hydrox-brand “cream filling”, two of your favorites have come together to make one spectacular book (soon to be a major motion picture!) Reading Assignment: Read through Chapter 5 Here’s a book link if you are impatient And a link to the movie posters we discussed

  • July 23 · 2 hr 26 min

    372 Pages #210 – Empress Theresa Ep 5 – What Happened to the Parkers???

    Support the podcast on Patreon and be the first to find out what we’re reading next! patreon.com/372pages The very last reading of Norman Boutin’s Empress Theresa DOES NOT DISAPPOINT! But, you ask, what happens to Steve Hartley? Does Jan Struthers become a successful wealth manager? President Martin – does he ever get prosecuted for attempting to murder a United States citizen? Is Prime Minister Blair able to keep his coalition together and maintain his office, or is he voted out? Israel: was their relocation successful? Does Pyongyang think it’s cool to have their country moved out into the ocean somewhere? Does OPEC continue? Does the oil exported from Theresa Isle ever go above five dollars per barrel? Do the thousands of silversmiths in the UK keep their lucrative jobs, or do the many new diamond merchants make them redundant? Last question: does anyone fall asleep for six-hundred years and awake to find that they are going to be ruled by a bunch of 10-year-olds who have their growth stunted but have the equivalent of a hundred college degrees? (If it helps, they’re all wearing multi-colored arm bands…) All these questions are answered, as are many others that no one even asked!

  • July 8 · 2 hr 11 min

    372 Pages #209 – Empress Theresa Ep 4 – Goodbye John, Stephanie and Jennifer. Heck, all the Parkers!

    Support the podcast on Patreon to hear stuff you won’t hear anywhere else! Mailbags, Choose Your Own Adventure Streams, 280 Mysteries and more! https://patreon.com/372pages Just a few of the ideas this book attempts to tackle: An omnipotent entity transmitted to human beings by a fox. Eternal daylight. Tilting the axis of planet earth, i.e., eternal summer. A new Jewish state. Global price controls. Harvesting precious metals from the sun. Plywood. Purchased with help from butlers named Arthur. It’s nearly impossible to describe the insanity contained in this thing. It’s madness wrapped in delusion surround by lunacy. But somehow Mike still struggles with Real or Fanfic. READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book!

  • June 24 · 2 hr 32 min

    372 Pages #208 – Empress Theresa Ep 3 – Plywood and Water Columns. Oh, and a New Jerusalem.

    Stop sending all your money to Steve in England, support the podcast on Patreon instead! patreon.com/372pages Is it a novel? Is it a manifesto? Is it the written equivalent of “score settling” for past grievances big and small? It’s all of these things and so much more! Puzzling, confounding, terribly written, way too long, sure: but coming up, we have it on the best of authority, our heroine plays quarterback in the Army/Navy game! READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 23.

  • June 11 · 55 min

    280 Mysteries Ep 49 – The Case of the Oven Mitts w/ Bill Oakley

    Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to the entire 280 Mysteries catalog! https://patreon.com/372pages Legendary Simpsons writer, showrunner, and executive producer Bill Oakley joins us to discuss his new audiobook, “Space 1972” and attempt to solve a mystery for 11 year olds! Get Bill’s new audiobook Space 1972 on Audible or Amazon And of course you’ll want to listen to Space 1969 first (Audible / Amazon) And check out billoakley.com to see if one of his curated culinary events is coming to a town near you!

  • May 15 · 2 hr 37 min

    372 Pages #207 – Empress Theresa Ep 2 – Emperor Steve

    This isn’t the first book we’ve covered about an attractive young woman who gets implanted with a dark matter / alien / ancient lifeform by a visiting fox, survives an assassination attempt (via atomic bomb) by the president of the United States, is rescued by UK sailors, befriends Prime Minster Blair, goes hat shopping with her lady in waiting, becomes a global celebrity, and vacations with her young, clock-building husband in Paris (which she hates) and Dublin (which she loves), and we’re certain it won’t be the last. Still, parts of it are unique and worth talking about. ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 18 (a longer read, but there’ll be a bit more time)

  • May 1 · 21 min

    280 Mysteries Ep 22 – The Case of the Midnight Visitor

    Like listening to 280 Mysteries We’ll Never Get Back? There’s almost 30 more of them that are only on our Patreon! Sign up today: https://patreon.com/372pages This one’s an E. Brown mystery kindly sent in by listener John: is Mike smarter than a 10 year-old?

  • April 24 · 2 hr 33 min

    372 Pages #206 – Empress Theresa Ep 1 – Grandpa, no, No, NO, NOOO!

    Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early and hear extra stuff you can’t get anywhere else! https://patreon.com/372pages Get the book here It’s finally here: a book that’s not Mayor of Noobtown! This is the inaugural episode of our new book Empress Theresa by Norman Boutin, and as such, Mike is required to be tested by the crucible of Real or Fanfic. It’s… well… you’ll have to listen. If, for some insane reason, medical or otherwise, you weren’t able to read Super Constitution, this is probably going to get you 90% of the “manifesto” nature of that with roughly twice the entertainment value (just back of the envelope calculations.) Watch the horse ad here ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 10

  • April 13 · 30 min

    372 Pages – #205 – Book 38: Empress Theresa

    Support the podcast on Patreon where you get every episode a week early and have access to a whole bunch of other stuff you can’t get anywhere else! patreon.com/372pages Before we get to the meat and potatoes of it, Conor is challenged with a quiz from Mike. It’s quite a turnaround and is utterly un-skippable! READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 5. Get the book here, but only click AFTER you’ve listened!!

  • March 26 · 2 hr 45 min

    372 Pages – #204 – Mayor of Noobtown Ep 4 – Hero Work from Mike and Conor!

    Be the first to find out what we’re reading next by supporting the podcast on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages As any hero would say, without looking back at the smoking ruins / nearly dead enemy / exploding spaceship, “It’s over. It’s finally over.” It’s true: you can remove your hands from in front of your eyes and take out your earplugs: The Mayor of Noobtown is no more. It’s in distinguished publisher HarperCollins’ hands now.* BUT, before we leave, we spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting the humor, the pathos, the… sharts that have made this such a poignant read. There are Dumb Sentences as well. *Other authors they have published: Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Richard Wright, Mark Twain, the Brontë sisters, Margaret Wise Brown, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, E.B. White, Herman Melville…

  • March 12 · 2 hr 24 min

    372 Pages – #203 – Mayor of Noobtown Ep 3 – Chalk Full of, seriously, GOURDS!

    Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early and a ton of other stuff that’s only available for supporters! https://patreon.com/372pages Just one more reading of distinguished publisher Harper Collins’ soon-to-be runaway smash best seller The Mayor of Noobtown (featuring, so far, Jim, Shart, AltaVista, JoeBob, Ted Goblin and Jerry Wolf)! If you have been reading along (and if so, in the words of Jim Downey, “May God have mercy on your soul.”) then you’re already aware of the tack sharp humor of the author. But on the very remote chance that you aren’t reading along, Conor and Mike really drill down and circle back on the whole humor aspect. Also, Mike’s last stab at Real or Fanfic (it’s a doozy!) plus Dumb Sentences of the Week. Reading Assignment: Finish the book!

  • February 17 · 2 hr 20 min

    372 Pages – Ep 202 – Mayor of Noobtown Ep 2 – Raise a Glass of Shadow God Blood!

    Level up in: Supporting the podcast on Patreon! https://patreon.com/372pages If you are reading along – and we’re gonna go ahead and assume you’re reading along – you’ll know that Conor and Mike are going discuss character sheets at great length. You could listen to an entire series of podcasts about character sheets and still not hear as much discussion of character sheets as you’ll get in this episode. Also lots of talk about doo-doo and wee-wee. Plus an EXTREMELY controversial episode of Real or Fanfic! READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 17, won’t you? Read Jacob’s Chronotrigger paper here

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