
Episode 37 - Our Boyfriend, Our Abuser, Episode 4: Trauma Bonds & The Push-Pull Dynamic | 1-800 CHATLINE
Why did we keep going back? In Episode 4 of Our Boyfriend, Our Abuser, we unpack the psychology behind the push-pull dynamic, trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement — and why understanding that a relationship is hurting you doesn't necessarily make it easy to leave. WELCOME TO OUR BOYFRIEND, OUR ABUSER Amy and Taylor found each other after discovering they had been in relationships with the same man, at different times, and had experienced remarkably similar patterns of abuse. In this special series, we're sharing our experiences and exploring the psychology behind abusive relationship dynamics — not to encourage speculation or harassment, but to help others recognise patterns that can be difficult to see while you're living through them. 💔 THE PUSH-PULL DYNAMIC A relationship can alternate between closeness and distance, affection and rejection, reassurance and withdrawal. The confusing part? It doesn't always feel bad. There can be genuine intimacy, connection and incredibly good moments alongside periods of distress and uncertainty. Over time, you can find yourself chasing the version of the relationship you know is possible rather than looking at the overall pattern. 🎰 INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT: WHY THE GOOD MOMENTS FELT SO POWERFUL When affection, attention, intimacy or reassurance arrive unpredictably after periods of rejection or withdrawal, the connection can become incredibly compelling. We explore intermittent reinforcement, reward prediction error and why an unexpected return to affection can feel especially powerful after you've been hurt. ❤️🩹 TRAUMA BONDING: WHY WE KEPT GOING BACK Trauma bonding describes a strong emotional attachment that can develop in an abusive relationship, particularly where there are power imbalances and cycles of harmful behaviour mixed with positive treatment. It's not simply loving someone who treats you badly. We unpack why attachment can remain strong even when you recognise that the relationship is damaging — and why the intensity of your feelings doesn't mean the relationship is healthy. 🔄 RECONCILIATION: RELIEF ISN'T THE SAME AS REPAIR After conflict or rejection, getting the person back can bring enormous relief. But relief isn't necessarily resolution. We discuss negative reinforcement, reconciliation and the difference between feeling temporarily secure and seeing genuine accountability and sustained behavioural change. 💭 WHY DID WE KEEP GOING BACK? There isn't one universal reason someone returns to a harmful relationship. Attachment, hope, unpredictable affection, relief, sunk-cost thinking and the future we imagined can all play a role. Instead of asking, “Why didn't I just leave?”, we ask: “What was keeping me attached, what was I hoping would change, and what made leaving feel so difficult?” 🎙️ IN THIS EPISODE • The push-pull dynamic • Trauma bonding and attachment • Intermittent reinforcement • Reward prediction error • Why unpredictable affection can feel so powerful • Reconciliation and negative reinforcement • The sunk-cost effect • Why knowing a relationship is harmful doesn't automatically make leaving easy • Rebuilding understanding without blaming ourselves 🖤 IF YOU'RE HERE FOR Trauma bonding • emotional abuse • abusive relationships • relationship red flags • intermittent reinforcement • toxic relationship dynamics • psychology of abuse • attachment • coercive control • understanding why we stay A NOTE ON SUPPORT If this episode brings anything up for you, please take care of yourself and reach out to someone you trust. 🇦🇺 AUSTRALIAN SUPPORT 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 DVConnect: 1800 811 811 Emergency: 000 If you're in immediate danger, call 000. 1-800 Chatline — where we fuel your intrusive thoughts. Follow 1-800 Chatline wherever you listen to podcasts and share this episode with someone who might need it. 🖤



