Open the app
You're Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Parents with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders

Am I Mean for Setting Boundaries? Why Taking Care of Yourself Feels Cruel

July 7 · 12 min · 9.3 MBExplicit
0:00-12:51

Streams straight from the publisher. PodNod never proxies or re-hosts episode audio.

Open in PodNodTranscript

When you were raised by a narcissistic parent or a parent with unmanaged borderline personality disorder, you learn early on that keeping the peace and managing your parent's moods is the "kind" thing to do.

Your family conflates kindness with you taking on the job of regulating your parent's emotions, and now every boundary you try to set can feel like a moral failure instead of the basic self-care it actually is.

In this episode you'll learn:

  • The real difference between kindness and the emotional caretaking you were trained to call kindness
  • Why appeasing your parent got framed as "the right thing to do" 
  • The one question to ask yourself when a boundary feels mean
  • What genuinely unkind behavior looks like, and why setting a boundary doesn't come anywhere close
  • Why your body might still feel uncomfortable and unsafe setting a boundary even once you know you've done nothing wrong

If you've spent your whole life worrying that taking care of yourself makes you the mean one, this episode is for you.

Ready to go deeper?

The Cycle Breaker's Vault is Torie's self-guided course for the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic traits. It covers dysfunctional family dynamics, boundaries, manipulation, grief, and reconnecting with yourself.

Learn more and get started: confidentboundaries.com/vault

Follow Torie on Instagram: @cyclebreakertherapist

Follow Torie on TikTok: @cyclebreakertherapist

Want the more episodes of You're Not Crazy? Join The Private Feed for access to bonus and ad-free episodes plus the full archive: confidentboundaries.com/private

Free guide: 10 Boundary Mistakes That Keep You Stuck

If your boundaries keep blowing up or leaving you drowning in guilt, it's usually not you. Learn what problems actually get in the way of setting successful boundaries with toxic parents by downloading my free guide: confidentboundaries.com/opt-in

Support the show

A huge thank you to our podcast sponsors!

Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy. If you’re in crisis, please call the 988 Crisis Lifeline.

You're Not Crazy is owned and produced by Torie Wiksell and Confident Boundaries, LLC.