"The Common Denominator Is You." What Her parents Learned About BPD

At 14, Krissy called home in tears and heard those words from her mom. She has borderline personality disorder. Then her mom learned to validate. Krissy grew up loved and unheard at the same time. The bullying started in fourth grade and followed her to boarding school. Her dad was deployed, her mom was stretched thin, and Krissy decided her pain was a burden no one could carry, so she white-knuckled it and said nothing. When it did spill out, what came back was “I don’t know what to do.” Hoping for anything else felt dangerous. What she needed was not a fix. It was someone saying “I see that you are in pain. I may not understand why it hurts this much, but I believe you that it does.” Krissy talks with host Diane DeMartino, LCSW, about what it is like to be going under while everyone at the edge of the pool tells you the water is three feet deep, and about coming home from treatment to parents who had taken a free class for families of people with BPD, taken it again, and kept practicing. What changed was not one conversation. It was knowing, every time, that if she fell apart in front of them she would be met instead of managed. Try This Today: The next time someone you love is in pain you do not understand, skip the solution. Say “I can see this hurts, and I believe you that it does,” then stay. If you catch yourself fixing anyway, name it: “I see I’m trying to solve this. Maybe that’s not what you need right now. What would be more helpful?” Chapters (00:00) The Phone Call Home (02:49) Three Feet Deep (05:00) Feeling Like a Burden (07:14) Learning to Validate (11:31) Try This(15:08) Words of Hope The class Krissy’s parents took twice and then taught is Family Connections: free, 12 weeks on Zoom, for family members of people with BPD traits, with validation on the syllabus. Apply at https://bpdalliance.org/family-connections/. If you live with BPD, Dealing with Emotions is a free six-video course by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD, at https://bpdalliance.org/programs/. Primary sources on family validation and borderline personality disorder behind this conversation. Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163 Hoffman, P. D., Fruzzetti, A. E., Buteau, E., Neiditch, E. R., Penney, D., Bruce, M. L., Hellman, F., & Struening, E. (2005). Family Connections: A program for relatives of persons with borderline personality disorder. Family Process, 44(2), 217–225. ⁠https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2005.00055.x⁠⁠Lee, S. S. M., Keng, S.-L., Yeo, G. C., & Hong, R. Y. (2022). Parental invalidation and its associations with borderline personality disorder symptoms: A multivariate meta-analysis. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 13(6), 572–582. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000523 BPD Alliance, The Podcast. Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible. BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org. If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it. If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: Lisbeth Scott, "Following The Sun," courtesy of Valley Entertainment, Inc. https://ffm.to/following-the-sun-feat-orchid-quartet.ODL